How to help kids though the trauma

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Whiteheron

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How to help kids though the trauma
« on: December 24, 2019, 04:04:00 PM »
I have a question I've been mulling over for quite some time. How can I help the kids get through the trauma of growing up with a PD parent? DD is still in her world of denial, so she's not ready. DS, on the other hand is screaming out for help. He has a team of professionals looking after him, but it's not enough. What I believe he really needs is a trauma therapist. His current T is great for getting him through the day to day issues he has, but to get deeper, I believe he needs more.

Problem is that I would not be able to get stbx to agree to a trauma therapist. It would need to be a joint decision and he would not be able to admit that DS needs additional help. He will make it impossible and would likely torpedo the T Ds is currently in as well.

Are there any other resources out there that I can use to help him? I'm not sure if he'd be ready for the PD Parent board here (and honestly I would want to risk him snooping around and potentially finding me here). Are there any good books for teens who need to heal? Anything?

You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: How to help kids though the trauma
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2019, 04:42:54 PM »
Usually there is an age at which minors can consent to their own health care without parent approval required.  Perhaps you can start exploring this option.

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Rose1

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Re: How to help kids though the trauma
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2019, 10:45:57 PM »
First the best thing you are doing is having open communication with him he obviously feels able to talk to you and that in the long run is a huge one. You're validating and most people will go "its your father" route so he likely will not find too many to express themselves with.

My oldest reads on reddit sub forums. But shes a lot older and I dont think many sites are as well moderated as this one. There might be some books recommended here? I found a lot of the issues are around validation, being able to express themselves and getting strategies to deal with the pd. Most young people dont have the skills and sadly are going to need them. Does his t do emdr?

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Whiteheron

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Re: How to help kids though the trauma
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2019, 11:34:42 AM »
Poison Ivy - I wasn't aware of that - I will check with my L and DS's T to see if they are aware of an age where he could consent to a new professional without stbx's explicit approval. Mu main concern would be if it goes against the agreement - making that kind of change will basically ensure stbx will not sign.

Rose1 - Sometimes I feel like I validate too much. I feel like there's a fine line there, but I'm doing my best and trying to look at it through the lens of "what would I have needed to hear at 16 if I were going through something similar."

Reddit concerns me because of some of the groups on there. But I will browse around and see if I can find one that fits. I have been looking up local meetup groups - can't find one specific for kids of divorce, but there is one I think might be helpful that deals with anxiety/sadness/anger. I'll need to check to see if I need to get "permission" to sign DS up, or if I can just go ahead and do it. One thing tho - the group is led by a parent of one of DD's classmates. :flat: Not sure how I feel about that. He's a PhD and uses CBT...something DS hasn't been exposed to yet. Maybe I'll float the idea past one of DS's professionals that has weight and if she strongly believes it's best for DS, then I could sign him up without stbx approval.

No his T is a LCSW, no emdr or anything - basically talk therapy, which DS also needs.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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athene1399

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Re: How to help kids though the trauma
« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2019, 12:42:54 PM »
Maybe google books for kids who have experienced trauma and abuse or have ACEs (adverse childhood experiences). And if the T can't do trauma therapy, maybe she can suggest resources (like websites) that may be useful.

Growing up, I did a lot of poetry to express how I felt ( i grew up in an emotionally abusive household). Maybe help DS find an outlet, like journaling or art, to help express some of those painful feelings. That way if DS can't get another T, he can still work on expressing some of the more difficult emotions to cope with instead of bottling it up. It could help a bit.

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Stepping lightly

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Re: How to help kids though the trauma
« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2019, 01:28:38 PM »
Hi Whiteheron,

Have you talked to his T about this?  I'm guessing you have, but usually they have resources to help.  I wonder too if the T would agree he needs more specific Trauma support and could recommend that as a sort of "add on" to his current therapy?  That way, if STBX refuses to allow it, he'll have a hard time explaining that one to a judge.  BM refused to allow therapy for DSS when he was little (and said some significant and concerning things to his Dad....at 5), we were in court shortly after and the judge was pretty harsh to BM about it.  If you can have the T recommend it, I think that would bear a lot of weight.

I also wonder if helping him either develop or identify his network of support.  He has you of course, his T, the GAL, is there a counselor or someone at school that is aware of the situation?  I guess I would think of them as like life lines in case he needs support- he knows who he can go to and they will understand what he needs (even if it's a quiet place to take a few deep breaths).