Helpful article on family estrangement.

  • 6 Replies
  • 116 Views
*

doglady

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 122
Helpful article on family estrangement.
« on: February 03, 2020, 07:10:10 AM »
https://www.anniewrightpsychotherapy.com/brittle-broken-bent-coping-with-family-estrangement/

I found this article very helpful and well-written. Hope it helps others.

*

Adria

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1025
Re: Helpful article on family estrangement.
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2020, 08:18:46 PM »
Great article Doglady,

It's been hard again lately. The article helped me put things back in perspective. Thank you, Adria

*

doglady

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 122
Re: Helpful article on family estrangement.
« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2020, 08:57:17 PM »
No worries, Adria. Glad the article helped. It helped me too. (I trawl the net for anything that’ll help some days.)

And yeah, sometimes it’s two steps forward, one step back, isn’t it? As long as we keep ourselves pointed in the right direction, though.   ;)

*

GettingOOTF

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1342
Re: Helpful article on family estrangement.
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2020, 10:31:06 PM »
That was a good article. I particularly liked how it also focussed in the benefits of estrangement. Thanks for posting.

*

doglady

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 122
Re: Helpful article on family estrangement.
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2020, 07:00:47 AM »
I particularly liked how it also focussed in the benefits of estrangement.

Yes, there are many, aren’t there!  ;)

*

treesgrowslowly

  • Host Member
  • Full Member
  • *
  • 446
Re: Helpful article on family estrangement.
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2020, 09:49:50 AM »
Great article. I would recommend that one to people who want to be more understanding about FE (family estrangement). Right now it is SO stigmatized to say we are estranged from our abusers.

I have spent my life listening to hear if people I know can (in turn) listen without judgement, to me if I share that I got away from my abuser. The first few years after going NC I endured nothing but judgement and insensitivity when I told people I had gone NC with my abusive FOO member. After that I stopped telling anyone and lived with a muzzle on about it, because the reactions I got were so unsupportive and unkind.

I have had to accept that many people refuse to see that estrangement as a way of protecting against abuse.

This article might help a few people become more compassonate towards those of us who go NC with an abuser. In addition to validating us as well, which is always helpful. It would be nice to live in a world where more people understand family estrangement.

Thanks for posting the article doglady!

*

doglady

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 122
Re: Helpful article on family estrangement.
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2020, 07:14:19 PM »
You make some really good points, Treesgrowslowly, and I agree with everything you say.

It IS stigmatising, and like yourself I have copped a lot of negativity about it. I notice, for example, that even when I used the euphemistic ‘I’m not close with my parents,’ rather than saying I’m estranged, I still get some degree of attitude about it. This ranges from downright disapproval accompanied by a look, or ‘oh but it’s your famileeee’ through to a kind of pitying lack of comprehension, all which imply I’m the arsehole - particularly in my small community where my parents are regarded as saints  ::) and it seems people are often rushing up to me to tell me my parents are ‘such wonderful people’ - to which I give no reply, or I say ‘they can be’ (as you can imagine, that sometimes gets uncomfortable).

I used to feel depressed about all of this, and that others’ reactions confirmed that yes I really was the bad guy. But now, I often think to myself, ‘well, you really know nothing of my situation, and there’s no point detailing it for you, plus I’d be pretty worried about myself if I needed your particular brand of approval.’  ;)

I often just shrug and change the subject or say, if questioned, ‘the decision wasn’t arrived at lightly, but it was the only choice I had.’ People usually do understand that - if they want to, that is. And those who don’t, too bad. Although one friend of my mother’s who accosted me in a supermarket and started berating me got a shrug from me in response and then simply loudly commanded that I ‘Behave!’ (I’m in my 50s!) and I replied, ‘ooh, that’s a little bit controlling, don’t you think?’ And just walked away with a smile. They don’t have to be happy about it.

Anyway, I certainly agree with you that it would be a useful article for people to read - but I also don’t hold out any hope that those who most need to read it ever will though. It might make them think and we couldn’t have that.  ;)