God and emotionally abusive people

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BigBird

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God and emotionally abusive people
« on: March 29, 2020, 07:48:07 AM »
I went to give my opinion to the post: " What does God do to emotionally abusive people in the after life" only to have a message pop-up that stated the post is over 90 days old, suggesting making a new post.

Something to consider regarding what God will do to emotionally abusive people in the after life.

My wife and I have an adult child that hasn't been diagnosed but we believe among other possibilities that she has a severe case of NPD.
With all my studies I've learned that it's nearly impossible to change the behavior of most people with disabilities such as NPD. 
Perhaps you know someone who has a child with a worse case of Autism.  I have a niece with a son who is autistic.  Sometimes for no apparent reason he will do the most extreme out of place action that can be very disturbing how is God going to deal with him in the after life?  I know the sweetest young man who is mentally challenged and though he is a wonderful person, how about those with that disability that aren't in their right mind and make terrible life choices, how will God deal with them in the after life.
Maybe my examples aren't the best to help explain my thinking but let me just say that my adult  child with a personality disorder that seems to have been a part of her all of her life in regards to her behavior has been a living nightmare for me, my wife and all of our other children.  I definately would catagorize this child/ daughter of ours as emotionally abusive and many other things that are not at all inviting.  I have always tried to be a forgiving person but to forgive my daughter for the things she has done has been very, very difficult for me.  BUT, the one thing that makes it much easier for me to continue to love her, care for her and want to forgive her is realizing that "if" she really has this personality disorder like I believe she does, that means that she doesn't have the capability of reasoning like normal people.  It makes it easier for me to want to forgive her knowing that she can't help herself.  Just like my nieces son can't help the fact that his autistic tendencies cause him to do things normal people wouldn't generally do or just as one with mental retardation can't help the fact that they don't always do the right things.  With my daughter it's much tougher to realize she also has a disability she can't always control because she is very brilliant in so many things. Has a Health Science Degree, is quite intelligent in many respects, is very good with expressing herself and teaching others but is very good at hiding her maturity level that seems to accompanie her disability and it has been the problem for her to be very abusive and manipulating to the point of causing a lot of pain and heartache.  So even though she makes me very angry when I stop and really put some thought into it, the truth is she can't really help herself because her brain doesn't have the ability to process love or empathy  and all the other abilities that some disabilities create.
It's difficult sometimes to forgive.  We've all been commanded to forgive others under any circumstance.  What a tough thing to always do.  What will happen to people who emotionally abuse others.  If you're a Christian than we know that Jesus Christ will be our Judge.  We believe that He is the Best One who can judge us and the Only One who can possibly understand all about us and our circumstances.  So even though it is hard to do, we still need to trust in Him and do as He has asked and realize that we can't understand all there is to know about any one persons circumstances and so we need to leave the judgement to Him.
I personally believe that we were all Spirit children of God before we came here and that we knew much of what our circumstances would be and were very happy to come here and experience all that He wanted us to experience which included receiving a body.  Of course with birth we were given the veil of forgetfulness so we could develope faith which was one of many things to learn.  I believe my daughter will be judged according to her given circumstances just like the Autistic person or mentally challenged.  We all have disorders as well as strengths and weaknesses and isn't it a blessing that we will all be judged accordingly.  So all I can suggest is to do what I hope to be able to do one day which is to forgive those that have harmed us, as difficult as that might be and believe me, for me it's not easy to do.  But it's something that we are not just asked to do, but commanded to do and these commandments are for our own good otherwise He wouldn't have given them to us.  Right?   So I'll try to encourage you if you'll encourage me to try and let it go and forgive.  It doesn't mean you need to put up with the emotional abuse, in fact I believe any spiritual advisor or counselor of any kind would counsel to RUN as fast as you can from the abuse.  That's what my wife and I had to do with our daughter.  We forced what I guess is referred to as 'tough love' to hopefully get her to act and become a responsible adult.  For our sake and hers. To get us out from the abuse, manipulation and destruction  she was causing as well as cause her to have to become an independent adult that we know she is capable of doing but was refusing to do as long as we kept enabling her.  So even though you don't have to put up with the abuse and it's necessary to place boundries to stop it, still with that said we've all got to try to continue to love and forgive.  Easier said than done I know, but it's the best thing we can do for ourselves.  So do as I say and not as I do, because I go through phases of having a forgiving heart to being very angry and back and forth it goes.  Good luck and maybe we can just pray for each other and those we try to love and forgive.  eh!

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Mary

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Re: God and emotionally abusive people
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2020, 02:48:40 AM »
Yes, forgive 70x7 times, right? It helps me to remember that God says vengeance is His, He will repay. Let Him sort out the truth of it all and judge it right. We can just step back and do our part to forgive and trust that God will do his part too. But even though we've forgiven, we must still be wise in proceeding with boundaries.
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. (Isaiah 54:5)

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rubixcube

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Re: God and emotionally abusive people
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2020, 11:32:51 AM »
I think a lot about forgiveness as I heal more and move further OOTF.
I've really dug into it to try to understand what it means and how to do it; all in the Christian(Orthodox Christian) context.

I first came to understand that I do want to forgive my ucovert/vulnerableNPDw.
Second, I realized that I have sympathy and compassion for her. SHE is not her behavior, and it's terribly sad that her early complex trauma created a person so devoid of empathy and so afraid of accountability.
Third, I began to wonder why, if the above is true, can I not let go of the grudge and resentment.

Two things really stood out to me on this journey to learn how to forgive. I saw a YouTube video about forgiveness that defined it as "letting go of the hurt". That really helped me understand WHAT forgiveness is and what it looks like.
I believe letting go of the hurt is only possible as a result of knowledge and compassion, both for self and for the PD person.
The next important thing I realized is that as long as I view myself as a victim, I will never be able to sever the cord of negativity keeping me from forgiving.

Where I'm at now is I'm working on realizing that God has allowed this cross in my life. I have benefited GREATLY from it by being forced to go through my own healing journey.
If I have benefited so greatly, and God was the providential overseer of the whole situation in time, then what part of me is still trying to be a victim? My false, ego self. My authentic, spiritual self is capable of forgiving, but the false self driven by my ego and containing remnants of my own early complex trauma is afraid to let go. The ego loves control. Freedom will be found inside myself, by releasing resentment and killing the ego self, when my spiritual life grows. It's a long game, and change happens, but slowly.

As an aside, I've read studies that show there is a lot of overlap between autism spectrum and narcissism. It was when I started to see my w as if she had autism, impaired empathy circuits, that I was able to see things a bit more objectively and compassion was able to begin to grow.

I'll add too, that I really believe the judgment is relative to the individual. God is loving and likely takes into consideration my own circumstances when He judges me, I imagine He will do the same for someone with an illness. If the judgement were absolute, then we'd all be held up to a very legalistic, exacting standard. God is a person, not an algorithm.

Thanks for your post. It's great food for thought, and very timely for me.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2020, 11:34:47 AM by rubixcube »