Disturbing thoughts

[Spirit in the sky]

I'm trying very hard to put the past behind me and move on from my nightmare situation with my parents. But I keep having very disturbing thoughts about my father, now that I see just how bad his narcissistic behaviour was and how covert it was.

I wasn't  physically or sexually abused as a child but I feel his sinister presence has been manipulating and controlling me and I actually feel sick. Now I realise how much he hated my mother and diverted all his attention to me, it was never about the dynamic of their relationship, it was all about keeping me as his narcissistic supply.

I feel like I have been groomed and sickened by how he used money to buy my attention. Obviously when he was told he was dying he needed more supply and things became so intense. I couldn't understand why I was so afraid of him and, I would feel physically sick if I heard his voice. I stopped going to my parents house when I knew he was there and always tried to avoid him.

But as he became weaker and couldn't leave the house his demanding behaviour got worse. He would constantly call me and try to get my attention away from my mum if we were taking. He would listen to our conversations and make fun of me.

If I didn't give him my undivided attention he would tell me to go away. Then if I stayed away he would tell my mum how upset he was with me. He would give me money to go out for dinner but not if I was going with my husband because he hates him. I keep my husband well away from my parents so my father can't use him in anyway. When I refused the money he started sulking.

I keep thinking there is something wrong with me because it's hard to believe my father is a narcissist. Even though he has treated me and my mother appallingly I find it difficult to accept he really doesn't care about me.

I feel dirty and ashamed like I have been his property and anything he ever gave me was just payment for my services. I feel like I have been used and abused and yet I still can't believe it. I tried to explain to my mum how I feel but she doesn't understand, she's probably still stuck in her own codependency mess.

I'm worried I'm exaggerating everything in my head, I feel like a bad person for not contacting him in the home. I feel so anxious even thinking about seeing him or speaking to him. Thankfully the home is in lockdown but I don't even want to phone to ask how he is, in case he asks me to send him something. I need no contact.

[Starboard Song]

We have in our minds a paternal relationship we want. It is a societal standard and perhaps a natural need. In any case, it is very strong in most of us. And when it is frustrated by the early death of a parent, we are naturally disturbed.

So much moreso when the problem is not the premature death of a parent, but their incapacity to serve properly in their role. It seems so wrong and incongruous. It makes us feel like we are the bad guys, when we have to apply our judgement.

You are not the bad guy. Seeing the wrong, accepting it, and making adjustments so you have a space in which to thrive is your way of making the best you can of the bad.

Be strong. Be good.

[Spirit in the sky]

Starboard Song,

I'm still living in the fear. I know he's in a nursing home now but my fear is he will tell them he's not staying and demand to come home again. Social services keep telling my mum she can't refuse to let him home. She can refuse to care for him but that means carers coming in and out and she is in lockdown so she doesn't want strangers in and out 4- 6 times a day.

I can't trust him not to be spiteful and seek revenge on us. My mum said looked evil when he discovered I wasn't coming to see him before he left. Obviously I wouldn't visit him if he came back but it means I couldn't see my mum either. And she's be at risk from people bringing the virus in.

[Adrianna]

I doubt he's going anywhere. He's dying and your mother can't care for him. Social workers know this. Not to mention the pandemic.

I know it's very difficult to wrap your head around the reality that you've found yourself immersed in. The reality that is no, I'm sorry to say this but your dad likely doesn't care about you. Mine doesn't either. I waited years for just a hint that he did bit he likely doesn't, although I see now it's not personal. I don't think he cares about anyone. You have to judge people by their behaviors. Words mean nothing. Of course with my father I didn't get words either. My father lives at home alone and I honestly think of him as just a random guy who's kind of an asshole who I check up on here and there. I love and care about him like I would any other human but have zero expectations of him ever acting like a father to me. Took me years to get there. I don't get disappointed anymore in him. If he acts kind it's a bonus but that's rare and I do not expect anything from him. I don't know if he's a narcissist but I know he has traits.

His mother my grandmother is in a nursing home hating me for putting her there. I have had nightmares that she came home. I likely have cptsd from the stress. I don't visit her. Last time I did she told me to go to He**. I too have some guilt but I don't want to be abused anymore. She is surrounded by people, she's cared for and not alone. She now has dementia which explains the verbal abuse but the emotional abuse has been going on for years.

There is nothing wrong with you. What you're going through is normal. You're seeing reality in a new light. It's troubling. However it's the only way to find freedom from the toxicity.

Even if your father isn't a narcissist, he's not kind to you and is a toxic influence. That little voice inside of you that tells you to stay away from him? It's there for a reason.

[_apparentlywicked]

I feel like a bad person for not contacting him in the home. I feel so anxious even thinking about seeing him or speaking to him.

Morning Spirit.

I go through bouts of feeling sickened about it all. Like I need a shower in some sort of spiritual body wash! It is hard to have all this unfold in your head and it does feel like a revealing of sorts.

What helps me when it all feels too sinister is to remember that he was always going to set up this dynamic with whoever his children were and there's nothing personal about it. Any child he had would be seen as an object to use to his emotional advantage. I'm just unlucky. I wasn't singled out I just lost the lottery and was born to two very damaged adults who couldn't recognise that they were the last people who should be bringing children into the world.

I'm definitely feeling more detachment as time goes on but do think those moments of disgust are steps along the way to grieving and releasing them.

❤️❤️

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks apparently wicked

I'm trying to just sit with my thoughts and the fear and witness them rather than getting into negative thought patterns. I'm resisting the need for it to be over, because really that's means my father needs to die before I feel free.

There's so much more going on now with the virus and the knowledge that he doesn't care about keeping my mum and I safe. So I feel the need to protect myself, which means no contact and I know that's only going to make him worse because he hates being ignored.

It's all just swirling round and round in my head and I can process my thoughts and feelings and make sense of that. It's the unpredictability of his behaviour that makes me anxious, I feel like he will try to seek revenge because he's dying and has nothing to lose.

[all4peace]

Spirit in the sky, I wonder if there's a little child inside of you who needs to be comforted and reassured that now the adult is in charge. Daddy is no longer a big and powerful man, capable of harm and rejection. And you are no longer a powerless and helpless child, even though you might understandably feel that way. Sometimes our inner children need to be soothed, listened to, comforted, and reassured. Then they can calm down and realize that, finally, there's a competent and loving adult (you!) in charge. Hugs to you.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks all4peace,

I realised today I'm never going to be ok until I accept the things I can't change and change the things I can. Serenity Prayer came to mind.

I decided the fear, anger and resentment aren't actually bothering my father at all. The only person that's suffering is me, so I asked myself what could I do to make me feel better. And I decided that I needed to be my authentic self, not the person everyone expects me to be, I just need to be me.

So I wrote to my father in the nursing home. I told him about the lock down and the shops being closed, I told him about my walks in the countryside and saying the Lord is my Shepherd to the sheep. I told him about my gratitude for each day and the blue sky and warmth of the sun as I sit in the garden. I told him how blessings I am grateful I am for this time of self reflection and how my faith deepens everyday.

He'll probably bin it and think I've gone mad but I don't care. I'm showing him that despite all that happening in my life and what's happening now I am grateful and blessed and I will always choose love over fear.

[all4peace]

I love how you came to this understanding of yourself and what was necessary! And I'm thankful you've found a loving and safe Father.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you all4peace,

I think its time to close this chapter of my life and let go of the old story.

I am very grateful for all the support and advice I have received here, it has kept me going when I thought I couldn't cope anymore. Reading other people's stories and sharing experiences made me feel like part of a family and not a dysfunctional family like my foo.

I always believed I would never be free from my father until he died. But that only gave him more control over me, and then I realised I had to free myself, by finding myself.

I am working the Twelve Steps by Adult Children of Alcoholics but it also applies to dysfunctional families so I would highly recommend checked out there website and The Laundry List.

Many blessings to everyone on this difficult path. You are not your conditioning and it's not your fault, loving yourself unconditionally is the first time.

I love how you came to this understanding of yourself and what was necessary! And I'm thankful you've found a loving and safe Father.

[Maxtrem]

It's all just swirling round and round in my head and I can process my thoughts and feelings and make sense of that. It's the unpredictability of his behaviour that makes me anxious, I feel like he will try to seek revenge because he's dying and has nothing to lose.

I understand what you are going through, the expectation of being potentially hurt is causing a lot of suffering and is currently causing me a lot of anxiety!

[Pepin]

It's all just swirling round and round in my head and I can process my thoughts and feelings and make sense of that. It's the unpredictability of his behaviour that makes me anxious, I feel like he will try to seek revenge because he's dying and has nothing to lose.

I understand what you are going through, the expectation of being potentially hurt is causing a lot of suffering and is currently causing me a lot of anxiety!

This is also how I feel and at times my anxiety has been through the roof.  In reality, there is only so much I can do.  We have an alarm in addition to video surveillance inside and out.

NF is an old, old man....but that doesn't mean he can't use his money to get something revengeful done if he really wants to.  I say this only because he admitted to hiring private investigators to stalk me and take pictures.  I'm sure that wasn't cheap considering I lived thousands of miles away -- before Internet, as well so the photos were obviously on photo paper.  He knew things that I had said nothing about...which means I was being watched, even though I was not living at home at the time. 

Over the years I have been suspicious of many people suddenly entering my life.  In my old neighborhood, a retired couple moved in, paid way more for the house than they should have....and we lived on a cul de sac.  I'm sorry but a cul de sac usually = kids.  This couple were the odd ones out....and while they were friendly and nice, they did definitely have some oddities about them.  I was worried that they were some undercover couple spying on me and my family...we moved a number of years ago and I feel better about where we are but I am truthfully suspicious of anyone that is new to the hood and at times I have been uncomfortable when some people I run into that I don't know who start asking too many questions.  I remain bland but pleasant to them.

I really don't know if there is much we can do....especially without hard evidence.  My father has absolutely nothing more to lose in his life....he's lived a long life and he can do what he wants if that is what he chooses to do.

It isn't my intent to be scary about this...I only bring up my story to enhance awareness and I am doing my best to keep my vigilance as calm as possible without ruining my health.  All of this will go *POOF* once NF expires.....and it can't come soon enough.  It really can't.