Struggling with the New Me - Part 2

[Hopeful Spine]

Just keep pressing forward. 
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Have the best Holiday possible and 2022 will be better.

Thank you for all of that feedback, advice and kindness.  Great suggestions and gentle reminders are what help me along.  Thank you!

I was reading a meme today that said something like, "life is short, forgive, etc., etc."  It was a nice little meme to remind us that even if the people around the table are different that we should appreciate them and embrace life and love. 

I have to admit that I struggle with "forgiving" one particular SIL.  But today I realized that the meme didn't really apply to me. 

I did forgive my SIL for the awful way she treated my husband and for the follow up way she treated me.  I forgave her immediately because I KNOW how she struggles with judging others and her self control of her emotions. 

So I forgave her and even told my husband that we needed to be ready with kindness and understanding when she ultimately came to her damn senses.  But she never did.  In fact when she found out we were still hurt she doubled downed.  And she has done all of this to me in the past.  I forgave her then too.  But I've stopped accepting it.

I know that if she ever showed one ounce of remorse that I would welcome her with open arms.  I would see that as an amazing step for her and I would reward it with an effort of my own.  I know this about myself.  I have a clean heart and I know how God would want me to behave and I would do it.

But until then I do not need to accept her treatment of us.  I do not need to smile blandly and make small talk about mini blinds to prove that I've forgiven her.  It's okay to focus on others in a big busy party and to leave the mean person alone.

So this tension isn't a matter of forgiveness.  If she was a random person in my life I wouldn't be thinking of her a bit.  But I have to see her and it my personal choice to not speak to a person who has such little respect for me.  I'm just not comfortable with the hard choice I've made.  Someday I hope to be.

Yes, these parties would be better if I just did what I used to do - smile and move on.  But I'd rather speak to a stranger in a nursing home about those mini blinds.  Not her.

Anyway, I've learned that she won't be able to attend the party and I am glad for it.  I am also glad to have this space to vent.  It is so helpful.

[Hopeful Spine]

I am seeing how beneficial it can be to set boundaries.  Two people bailed on me - twice.  They were supposed to drop things off at my office and didn't.  Then - to solve their own problems -  they wanted to drop by on a day I was closed (but would be in the office).  Even though I "could" have accommodated, I didn't.  It breaks my work concentration to have people stop by.  It upsets my day when I have to be on watch for the time frame they "think" they will make it.  It's an irritation to have to remember to notify them if I step out to run an errand. 

So I said "no."  I told them to come in during my open hours and I spent my time behind the locked doors - working and producing.  With total happiness and zero regrets.  It's been two days and they still haven't stop in.  I wouldn't be surprised if they decide to not come at all - just to spite me for not accommodating them.

I told a group of people that I won't be able to provide a service that I've been providing for a long time (for a very minimal fee).  I just felt like I was being taken advantage of or dismissed.  So even though this service somewhat benefits me - I told them I was quitting.  Out of 20 people only 3 replied back to thank me for my service.  No one else seems to care.  That hurts a bit but it looks like I efficiently took out the trash.  When I start up my program again - I will be inviting back those 3 people and probably none of the others.

I took a chance on a person who wanted to use my facility.  I'd been putting her off because others on my former team didn't think she has the "image" or the products that they approved of.  With my new boundaries I had the freedom to invite her in.  I met her today and she's an amazing person.  Warm, enjoyable, she even brought me a little treat.  Chatting with her I could think of all the people I know that would enjoy her, her products or the things she's trying to accomplish.  It's a good feeling when you WANT to connect people in your lives because you know how much they would enjoy each other.

Another person I recently helped also stopped in.  She had a lovely card and a gift certificate to thank me for my efforts.  Proof that going with your gut and investing in what you believe it - pays off.

This weekend I have plans with my two newish friends and I'm really looking forward to it. Having zero expectations and some cautious boundaries means that these relationship were built slowly and mutually.  It's an easy, fun, thing to get together with these ladies.

The way I feel today is not exactly addicting.  I do want more of it.  But it's hard to say "no".  It's sometimes difficult to discern which direction to go.  But lately so many good things have been happening and I can only credit to the ways I've been slowly changing my life.

[1footouttadefog]

I would keep pressing forward with this successful formula. 

Eventually your life will be filled with higher quality interactions and the "no"s won't hurt as much. 

Additionally you will become more confident in your own disce4nments and the "no"s will seem less iffy. 

Good for keeping your work boundaries and getting things done.  I can relate, because this was a week was of mine.  In addition as a homeschooler and someone who ran a small business from home, and who was caretaker for nonagenarians in my home I had a LOT demands on all that "free time" I was so lucky to have.

[JustKeepTrying]

My apologies in advance if this post is out of line - I read a good bit of your posts but not all them.  I appreciate your struggle with inner work as that is a problem I have had in the past.  That inner voice creeps up really took me down a rabbit hole I didn't want to go - but away I went.

My therapists told me that some of those thoughts that come into our heads are really not our own thoughts.  They could be just things that pop up from subconscous trying to make connections.  She tought me to meditate and use that meditation to focus on looking at those thoughts - just observing them and letting them drift away.  I found that the more I meditated the easier it was for me to pull myself away from them.

I also set a reminder on all my devices to receive this message daily - at 10am and 3pm.  I got this tip from a book about eneagrams.  Twice a day I get a message to SNAP.  S - stop/pause N- Notice my feelings and thoughts. A- What am I believing right now and is it true and who I be if I let it go and P - pivot.  Pivot is to make the change in your thoughts that you want.  I end my one minute twice a day with this question Do I accept myself just as I am?  I have been doing this for two months now and it really pulls me out of any runaway trains of thought.  I also think they are coming less frequently and I am noticing my feelings easier and reacting better.  I feel more steady.

Best of luck to you and I am sending you peace and harmony.

[Spring Butterfly]

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