Sometime it Feels Like a Horror Movie - Wet Hoarding History

Started by Lookin 2 B Free, September 24, 2020, 01:02:17 AM

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Lookin 2 B Free

When I hear PDm sinking deeper into disordered thinking, delusions, it brings on these awful feelings from childhood.  Horror.  BPD & NPD have been mentioned re: her, but I'm thinking OCPD too.  She was a wet hoarder from the time I was a kid, though who knew what that was back then. 
 
Surfaces in the house and floor perpetually smeared with garbage, maggots, filth, stench, rat & mice infestations, urine & feces from the rodents and pets.  She wouldn't allow anyone to clean it.  When we were shunned and laughed at she would say they were all envious of us - pretty much everyone was inferior to us.  (Is there a puke emoji here?)

Thankfully, she's in AL now and can't do the wet hoarding, though the extreme controlling and paranoia are there.  She's sinking into psychosis and this way of thinking and interacting which reminds me of my childhood.  It's really creepy and repulsive,  like I've stepped into a horror movie.  I can't wait for her appt with the psychiatrist next week.  Maybe she'll increase her anti-psychotics...or something!  Meanwhile I'll be limiting my contact and doing some diaphragmatic breathing and relaxation techniques.

No one's ever mentioned OCPD, but then she's kept this stuff a highly guarded secret.  Does it sound like that to anyone here who's familiar with that disorder? 

Hepatica

Dear Looking 2 B Free,

I am not an expert on hoarding but I am the child of a dry hoarder and I can only tell you that I completely understand the feelings of horror one feels to grow up with this. I have no idea how they diagnose it but I can imagine that hoarding comes with a lot of co-morbidities.

But the bottom line is, it is horrible. It is horror filled. It is crazy making. I cannot understand it. My father is probably a Level 6 dry hoarder. There is no reasoning with him. But then with many addictions there is no reasoning with an addict.

But for me it has become too terribly painful for me to watch. I cannot even imagine how painful it was for you growing up with wet hoarding. Of course you feel horror. There is no doubt what you experienced is horror. I'm so sorry. But you can heal from this.

For me, backing away was a must. I am now NC with my uNPDhoardingfather. I do this because I realize that I can't help him unless he asks for help and to watch him make these choices hurts me. I have been hurt enough.

Please focus on your own healing. You don't need to figure out your PDmom. That's on her and her medical support team.

You need to find fresh air, joy and good health.

Personally I have not found a therapist who has a specialty or understanding of hoarding, and there are no support groups where I live, but there are many support groups online. I wonder if finding one would help?

To normalize. You are okay. You are out of it now. What your Mom was/is dealing with is not you or your problem to fix. You are a separate person who has the right to a good life. You are a survivor. It's okay and possible to have a happy life and a healthy life after this kind of neglect and abuse.
"There is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there's
still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where
there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

Thru the Rain

I'm so sorry you've had to live through this! And sad for you M too, I'm sure she wouldn't have chosen to live that way.

It sounds like Assisted Living will be an improvement for her living environment, and you can take comfort in the fact that is the best place for her to be now.

And you are in the right place too - at home taking care of yourself as you described. You're allowed to live and enjoy your life, and to let the experts take care of diagnosing and treating your M.

She may very well have OCPD - I think there is a lot of overlap with hoarding tendencies. But the best news is this can just be information for you now - YOU don't have to do anything about it one way or the other.

Boat Babe

That sounds horrific and my heart goes out to you. I didn't even know that this was a thing. Dear God!

Give yourself the best self care you can afford and look to your own healing.

Much love ❤️
It gets better. It has to.

Lookin 2 B Free

Thanks, Hepatica, Thru the Rain, and Boat Babe!   I can't imagine what would cause a person to have this particular disorder when there was nothing remotely like it in her own home growing up.  Something did.... but it's hard to fathom what.   It's bizarre.  Especially the wet hoarding, though I suppose a bad case of dry hoarding can be about as awful.   

Someone suggested I watch an episode of Hoarders awhile back.  I watched one.  That was all I could stand -- too triggering.  Occasionally it can feel like the yuck of how I grew up invaded my person  -- like the essence of me is contaminated....it's a physical/emotional feeling.   Awful.   Thankfully there's trauma T and I don't feel that way most of the time anymore.

Also I have always questioned myself when triggered.  How "off" am I without knowing it?  I have grilled my therapists who have always assured me I do not have a PD.  But I feel clueless about many things most people know by the time they're a young adult - like the child raised by wolves who never quite gets how to fit into society once she joins. 

I know I'm somehow quirky bc close friends throughout my life have made good natured, even loving, banter about it very occasionally.  That's actually reassuring bc I know I've been affected and when they lovingly touch on it, I realize it hasn't make me an unlovable person.  Two therapists have told me the trauma created something like a learning disability - info which was also helpful for dropping self-blame.

When I get triggered like this, the shame and self-doubt arise and feeling that I have to "fix" myself.  So I need to remind myself, I am okay right here and now, just as I am.  There are people who love me.  I was able to work as a professional and I have always taken care of myself.  Whatever faults I am blind to can't be that bad if I'm not getting feedback to indicate that from others around me.  Uugh.  It's all humbling.  (Which is okay, too - humble is good.)

I'm taking time for myself and doing what I can to distance myself from the craziness.  I have been her POA, so I'm getting multiple emails & calls from agency staff and psych staff most days recently.  They're talking about evicting her from the AL.  What then?  I'm not even going there yet.  Just staying in the day and trying to keep myself grounded.  Upping my daily meditation, self-reparenting, and whatever self-care I can think of!   Whew!

doglady

I sure feel for you L2BF,
Your situation sounds as if it was absolutely horrendous for you growing up in a house like you describe. It couldn't fail to severely traumatise a child. It is a horror movie, a very dirty not so little secret. It is so hard for children and has such lasting repercussions.
My parents are hoarders, too. Not as wet as your mother, but certainly pretty...moist, with lots of rubbish in bags stacked up in bathrooms and  bedrooms, which are filled with paper and used sanitary/incontinence pads and other God knows what. There's also lots of mold growing on walls and floors etc.
My parents are elderly and immobile and refuse to leave their 'collection.' So I'm glad to hear your mother is in assisted living. Sounds like the AL is having a time of it with her too, with the possibility of her getting evicted. But I hope that you can not stay away from that problem for your own wellbeing and that you can give yourself all the self-care you need. You thoroughly deserve it after all that you've been through.
Just wanted to add, re your comments/question about OCPD, in my opinion my mother is textbook OCPD and pretty much ticks all the boxes for it (along with a number of criteria of NPD and BPD as well). In short, a team of therapists working round the clock for years would get absolutely nowhere with her.
By the way, you sound totally normal to me, despite having gone living through this awful and highly traumatising childhood environment. I get what you mean about the toxicity of the environment feeling as if it's invaded your person. I used to feel that way, too. I have made the deliberate decision to go nowhere near my parent's home as, like you, I find it, and the Hoarders shows, very triggering.

Hepatica

I think we are each a testament to resilience.

doglady, I just read your post and the the last sentences about how you deliberately stay away from your parent's house. It's taken me a long time to make the hard decision to go NC with my parents but the number one reason is the hoarding. Amongst all the crazy-making that my parents have created, this very visible reminder of it is too much for me to handle.

Reading the posts here has helped me feel less alone with these feelings. I'm grateful for that bc I've taken on a lot of shame, without consciously understanding that I have. When you don't understand something it is hard to handle and my gift to myself was to finally walk away. And with that I walk away also from the NPD dysfunction, which is an even greater gift.

In a sense the hoarding gave me the strength to say to myself, enough is enough.
"There is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there's
still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where
there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

Lookin 2 B Free