Covid in My Mom's AL

Started by Lookin 2 B Free, October 08, 2020, 11:24:07 PM

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Lookin 2 B Free

This might be the beginning of a Covid spread in my mom's AL.  Two cases within a few days of each other. 

Up to now they've only had an isolated case here and there.  Each time has been pretty emotional, wondering what will happen.  In a way I'm relieved  there's really nothing I can do.  I don't have to worry about that, at least.

I found out a few hours ago.  I guess I'm trying to hold down feelings since I don't really know how this will evolve.  It makes me realize how awfully much is there in the way of unresolved stuff with her.  Like a boatload of stuff rumbling under the surface.   

And then the specter of an old, confused person dying alone in the hospital as thousands have.  It's been a very sad, hard thing to watch people go through.  Horribly sad.

I guess that's all that's really happening today.  News that triggering a bunch of feelings that I'm not in touch with enough to really identify.  It's nice to be able to say it.  Even if I don't quite know all "it" is.

SunnyMeadow

I can see why this would trigger you. Covid is nothing to take lightly especially with elderly people. I'm glad you're relieved at knowing there is nothing you can do.

Post more when you know more if it's helpful for you. For me, it's helpful to share this stuff with others who understand the underlying feelings of having a PD parent.

:hug:

Lookin 2 B Free

Thank you, SunnyMeadow.  I heard today it has  continued to spread to more people.  People she sat at a dining table with 3 times a day unmasked and ate & talked with.

She's very old and like a child much of the time now.  She doesn't understand things and is scared a lot.  I had hoped to help her when she moved into her dying process.  It's a big part of why I brought her out here some time ago, despite the awful PD stuff in our history.  Things feel so wrong this way.

I "moved mountains" to help her when I was a kid.  She is counting on me & trusting me to make it okay now.   She can't understand anything else.   I guess there was always a part of me that wanted to do that for her and that part is still there. 

There are the other parts that still come up, too.  Anger, shock, revulsion, tenderness, compassion.  There is so much that's incomplete between us.    I just realize how unready I am to say goodbye.  Especially under these conditions where I can't be anywhere near there. 

Hepatica

#3
Dear Lookin 2 B Free,

I don't have anything to say, but I am so touched by your caring love for your Mom. I just want to send you love. Since you can't be with her, perhaps some sort of ceremony, a candle, a poem, a prayer out by the water and send her your love. Could you send her a letter?

All of this fear and sadness I feel in my body, for you and for all of us in this Covid situation. It's brutal. More than ever we need to give ourselves tender loving care.

I am holding your spiritual hand from afar. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  It breaks my heart.
"There is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there's
still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where
there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

Lookin 2 B Free

Hepatica,  Thanks so much for your loving words.  I'm very touched by them.  Yes, maybe it's time to write some letters that are never sent.

I'm able to talk on the phone with my mom, so that's good.  The AL has not given out anymore information, so we're waiting.

This seems to bring up all my old "tapes."  That I'm supposed to "fix it" for everyone.  That I'm somehow responsible for everything.  That I shouldn't have any needs or feelings. . . and I certainly shouldn't express them .  I hear the voice "What are you crying about now?  No one wants to hear from you ... no one wants you here at all ... you're a blight on our family ( any group - even this forum) ... everything would be okay if you weren't here - you ruin it for us ... we wish you'd never been born." 

I live my life as though this stuff is not playing in my head when it comes up.  I fight the urge to withdraw and isolate when it's getting triggered.  I fight the urge to people please so I can "pay" my way into an interaction or relationship that the "family voice" tells me they wouldn't otherwise want.  I say a strong "no" to the urge to contact my PDex -- as though he could be a stand in for my family and redeem the whole thing, if only he would not slip from the loving person he can be into the hopeless scapegoater. 

Instead, when this stuff is triggered, I call my friends & FOC and actively join in groups, even though it feels risky.  I guess I have an "act as if" life whenever these old feelings come to visit.   As my trauma T says, some of us spend our first 18 yrs with family and the rest of our lives trying to recover from it.  Good wishes of recovery and peace of mind for us all!


Boat Babe

This is so, so difficult. Sending you much love Looking ❤️
It gets better. It has to.