Just trying to keep it together0

[Meesh]

Ok I think my brother is NPD.  He has had alot of problems over the years.  He has not been able to stay faithful to either of his two wives and is now working on his third.  He can not seem to pay his bills even though he makes good money.  He goes running to my mom and our oldest single brother to bail him out when they make much less money then he does.  Then he cuts us all out of his life until he needs us again.  At the moment he is living with my 77yr old mother and our brother who also lives with her.  They are his surety because he needs to be out of jail on house arrest. He was arrested for threatening and harassing his 2nd ex wife.  He is either not speaking to my mother or raging at her because his problems are her fault.  His grown kids are fed up with him too. He was never very involved with them when they where growing up.  The rest of us all get along really good, so he says he is always on the outside.  I feel like he hasn't learned anything and shows no remorse for his actions. He also has treated to hurt himself on more then one occasion. I feel like I have been trying to take care of everyone because my mother and other brother depend on me for alot of things plus I have my own family too.  My problem is I feel guilty if I don't help but I know there isn't anymore I can do. But I also feel ALOT of anger towards him for all the crap we have always put up with.

[bloomie]

Hi there Meesh. I am sorry this has been sitting a bit before a warm welcome and response!

So... welcome to Out of the FOG! I am really glad you have reached out for support as you make forward movement in what seems to be a really troublesome, high conflict situation with your brother. I am really sorry things have devolved to the point where he is treating all of your family so poorly and in such a bad spot.

I can closely relate to coming to a place of having given out so much we are depleted to a high conflict, unapologetically difficult brother. It's a very painful relationship to be in.

Something I learned when coming here on my own journey out of the fear, obligation, and guilt that hung over my life is that feelings are not equal to facts. You may feel guilty when you don't help, but in fact it does not mean you are guilty of anything when you choose to put proper and healthy limits around your resources. Your time, finances, emotional and physical support of others.

For me, the most fundamental work I needed to do (and continue to do) was in the area of boundaries. Learning to develop and then hold them has been a game changer for me.

Some great resources are found in the drop down menus above. The toolbox is something I return to often.

Some great conversations about boundaries are found here:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=24.0 and here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=36232.0

A great podcast: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=84257.0

and other media resources that may be of great help to you recommended by other members is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=45.0

You are wisely recognizing that there isn't anything more you can do when someone is not willing to help themselves to turn their lives around or when family members continue to enable and support a disordered person in their toxic choices. What a big first step! Reaching out here is another big step toward breaking free from the burden all of this must be on your shoulders.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able and join the conversations taking place on the board! I can't describe how much help and hope I have gained from the folks here and I hope you find that same as you settle in!

[Sheppane]

Hi there Meesh and well done for reaching out ! I hear you as regards the feelings of guilt yet knowing there is nothing you can do. Great advice from Bloomie how feelings dont equal facts. For a long time I felt guilty and automatically I believed that feeling to be true. Now I can see ( not always LOL) that just because I feel guilty doesn't mean I am. And for sure we do not need to feel guilty for taking care of our own needs first. Boundaries are key for me in that area and I have found it takes time to build that up.
Good luck on your journey!