Baker Acted herself

[freedom77]

Okay, well...I picked her up last Friday, and took her to the tax credit apartment and it looks like she'll be approved, and ready to move in sometime in November. They are still finishing building them. We drove by them and they look really nice, they are brand new construction. She appeared nonplused, and criticized the street they're on. She did not reveal one shred of excitement or gratitude. Did not thank me for going out of my way in getting her this place. Honestly, I did all the work, she barely agreed to cab it over to the office and do the application. I had to hound the place for 2 years, beg them, fill out a voucher paper and get it notarized, and keep on mother to agree to move, despite the impending and inevitable threat of homelessness, she continued to drag her feet.

Okay onward...so RIGHT AFTER getting the good news, that VERY night, an unfamiliar number rings in on my cell phone. I am an introvert and would much rather text than talk; I hate talking in general. Thus, it's easy to understand that I don't generally answer unfamiliar numbers; I rarely answer familiar ones. The caller leaves a voicemail. It's the local emergency room, the one right down the street from where I live. Mother has called an ambulance and gone to the ER with rapid heart beat (she has no cardiac history, her blood pressure and pulse is better than mine).

Now I have to work the next day, meaning my alarm clock goes off at 0430 because it's my weekend to work. I work long arduous shifts on my feet dealing with 7-8 patients with all kinds of health issues. In others words, I am not game for this.

I continue to get voicemails for the next couple hours, mostly from mother. She is using the ER phone, since she knows her phone is blocked. She leaves long, rambling waify messages about us being a family, and I'm her only mother, and don't I care at allll.....????? Her voice is not her natural one, but a tiny, whispery waif one, with a slight fake whiney undertone. I have an instinct that these messages are being left for the benefit of the nursing staff now dealing with her. I can hear them moving about in the background, doing the same work I do.

I don't take the bait. I don't answer. I go to sleep, with my ringer off. I get up at 0430 and see the voicemails finally ceased at around midnight.

I get ready for work, after skipping over all of mother's messages, as soon as I hear it's her voice, I skip over. I know there's gotta be a nurse voice at some point, and there is...The last message being from an ER nurse asking me to pick mother up, since she is all clear to go home. No cardiac issues being found. Heart rate perfectly normal.

I'm driving to work, phone rings again, unfamiliar number again. Don't answer. Voicemail left. It's another nurse, from another hospital, stating mother voluntarily Baker Acted herself into the behavioral health ward (formally called the "psych ward", but we don't say that anymore because it's not appropriate or sensitive). Where I live we have a thing known as the Baker Act, where a doctor, or law enforcement can commit someone to the BH ward if they are expressing a threat of harm to themselves or others. A person can voluntarily commit themselves under the Baker Act as well, if they feel they are going to harm themselves or others.

Well this is not new behavior for mother. She's done this more than a few times. About every 5 years or so. And especially during times when she's not getting her own way. I suspect she is not happy about the apartment, but would rather take a colossal gamble, risk homelessness and see if I'll let her live with me again. And since it became clear that is not going to happen, as evidenced by my pushing and pushing for this apartment, she has gone and Baker Acted herself. She left one message stating, "I know you go that apartment for me so you can be rid of me." The past 8 months of no contact not carrying much weight I guess. In other words, I don't have to get you an apartment to be rid of you, to be free. I did that because I'm a kind person despite all of your abuse and all the other things I had to take.

Over the weekend, while trying to work I got several calls from the hospital where she's at now. I finally found time to take a quick break, and called the social worker back. We chatted for a bit, and I gave him an earful on her history and her treatment of me and DD, and that's why she's at arm's length. He said he'll keep me updated on her stay and discharge plan. I explained I do not wish to be that involved. She'll find her way home. She did this on purpose. He sounded like he thought I was harsh and cold. He didn't say that exactly, but that was the vibe I perceived. I went on to explain that as he may know, a borderline and narcissist can be very manipulative. He countered that borderlines have the highest rate of completed suicide.

I told him in my 40++ years of life, she has often threatened, but never once attempted. One time in my teens, she was jealous of me, and woke me on a school night at 200am to show me some superficial scratches on her inner wrist that barely drew blood, and told me she tried to slit her wrists, but changed her mind since I'm not worth dying over. It looked like she just scratched her wrist with her own nails.

So that's where we're now. I'm not going to pick her up or re-enmesh. I got her that apartment with my perseverance, and the rest is up to her. I know this was a stunt.

[GettingOOTF]

Wow it never ends. I’m sorry.

I was finally able to cut myself free of my BPDxH after he was hospitalized. We don’t have the Baker Act here and it’s next to impossible to get someone committed.

My ex backed himself in to a corner and knew I had had enough so he offered to go to the ER and voluntarily be committed again. Like your mother it was total manipulation.

When it came time to discharge him I told them he couldn’t come back to my home. I had doctors, social workers and an attorney for the hospital (!!!!) trying to get me to take him back. I think they could t release him without somewhere to go. The only reason he was being discharged was that my insurance wouldn’t pay for more time.

They really laid on the guilt and pressure. I will never know where I found the strength to resist, but I did and it changed my life.

It’s much more work for them if they don’t have someone to release the person to. That is all they care about. It’s a revolving door and I’m sure they see plenty of people like you mother and simply want to move them along. I think they use the guilt tripping as that’s what’s most effective with most people.

Stand your ground here. My ex agreeing to essentially Baker Act himself was the best thing that happened to me.   

[Lisa]

Freedom77,
Saying that sounds stressful doesn't even come close I am sure to the past few days for you.  Good for you to not listen to all the messages and to not call back.  I think that's great you were able to get some sleep and prioritize yourself and well being. 
Keep being firm and prioritizing your well being!

[SunnyMeadow]

I think you may be right that she isn't happy with the apartment and would rather risk homelessness. Let her do what she wants. She's an adult, let her make the choices that impact her own life. It doesn't seem she's incompetent and not able to care for her day to day living, so let her be.

You and your dd go on to live without the stress of this harmful woman. She's incredibly toxic, harmful and dangerous and what do you get from continued interaction with her? Absolutely nothing beneficial that I can see. I know you're a deeply caring woman Freedom. It's an admirable trait but not at the expense of your mental health. I'm happy you aren't going to re-enmesh and it's so good you didn't take the ER and Baker bait. She's persistent, that's for sure!

For your well being please consider getting a new phone number. I know it's a pain but worth it. If you're done with her, it's a sure-fire way to ensure she can't get to you. Her calls going to VM cause stress, listening to a few seconds of her voice has got to cause your bp to rise. I don't have the problems you do with my mother and her waify, 'pausing for effect' voice makes me cringe and hit DELETE asap.

and told me she tried to slit her wrists, but changed her mind since I'm not worth dying over

This is positively EVIL. She deserves to rot for the harm she's done to you. I'm sorry you lived through this. Let this %&#* go and you go live a calmer, stress-free life without her.

♥

[nanotech]

My sister tried this 'homelessness' tack to try to get either me or our elderly dad to take her into our home.
She lied about her situation in order to try and get what she wanted.
When I called her out on it and gave her a path to follow which provided her with a flat, she told me not to interfere, berated me loudly by telephone, then ghosted me.
Be strong.  You're winning.
(Let her moan about the flat.
My sister still does. Been there for years now!)
Keep the boundaries in place.
I'm sending hugs. You're under a lot of stress.
Just don't give in.

[Spring Butterfly]

So proud of you for being strong. You did so much beyond what was needed to help get her situated in suitable housing. You have a good and kind heart. You don't owe anyone that information or an explanation but if they question you again seriously you've done all you could to help this adult person live her life. No question or doubt about it. Hold onto that and don't let them cause you to feel otherwise.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

Wow Freedom77, that's incredibly intense!

Good for you that you are holding strong and not letting your mom or the hospital staff lay a guilt trip on you. I admire your strength,  intelligence and wisdom.

The reaction of the social worker is an indication of how much more training those people need in how to negotiate the pitfalls of BPD abusiveness and manipulation. They also need to learn to take loved ones more seriously who have years of experience with the situation.

It is so popular in some segments of the therapeutic world to say that BPDs don't have sufficient skill to be manipulative, but you provide an excellent example of just how skillful they can be when it suits their purpose.

Stay strong!

[Thru the Rain]

Wow - I continue to be amazed at the lengths to which some of the PD people in our lives will hurt themselves to "show you" or "get even". To be right at ALL COSTS.

Stay strong! You didn't cause this situation in any way, shape or form. And you can't fix this for your M.

I went on to explain that as he may know, a borderline and narcissist can be very manipulative. He countered that borderlines have the highest rate of completed suicide.

To the social worker "If she's genuine suicidal then don't release her!" 

[DetachedAndEngaged]

To the social worker "If she's genuine suicidal then don't release her!"

Right?!

Either the social worker can barely put two and two together to get four or he's being manipulative to get the PD mom out of his hair.

Twice the manipulation, twice the fun! Not.

Social work and therapy are very demanding, difficult jobs, but there are a lot of really lame people doing that work. Sometimes they cause more harm than good, especially when PDs are involved. God bless the good ones.

[Maxtrem]

My mother managed to manipulate a psychiatrist when she was in the hospital. The psychiatrist called me in front of her to tell me that she had had a difficult year and that she would like to see her son more often. She was able to manipulate a psychiatrist to make me feel guilty. I even asked the psychiatrist to call me back when he was alone and not in front of her and he told me he couldn't do that. There is incompetence in all areas!

Also, Freedom77 I read an article by a psychologist specializing in narcissistic abuse which states that when there is a narc co-morbidity with BPD, the risk of suicide is much lower. 

[Adrianna]

Oh wow reading this is so familiar as your mother reminds me of my grandmother. The comment about you getting her the apartment to be rid of her is right out of the borderline playbook. My grandmother was always fearful that people would abandon her and not do things for her anymore. Her horrible treatment of others is now why she has no visitors in the nursing home.

I too am honestly pretty shocked at the lack of awareness about borderline and narcissism among the social workers and doctors. When I mention it, as it clearly explains almost all of my grandmothers behaviors, I am often met with judgement. A social worker basically told me a while ago I was too sensitive and my grandmother was within rights to be belligerent, rude and impatient since she was old. It's another layer of abuse when your experience isn't validated by even those who you would think should understand toxic family dynamics, but it happens. It's up to us to know that we can't expect validation from others. We know the truth. We've lived it.

Your mother is putting on  a massive display for attention. No good will come from you interacting with her. I'm sorry to say this but I truly believe she will cause chaos and destruction until her final breath. Sadly it's part of their disorder. Self preservation for you is your only option by avoiding and leaving her to her own decisions, even if that means she screws up this apartment and ends up homeless. You aren't a wizard and you can't fix her into someone reasonable. If you get any garbage from doctors or social workers, tell them that to protect your own well-being from her mental abuse, you have no choice but to avoid contact with your mother. It's literally self preservation as she is damaging to your physical and mental health.

Stay strong. I really feel for you. It's not your job to fix your mother's life. Let that really sink in.

[freedom77]

Thank you for the replies everyone. Yes every interaction with her is toxic and damaging to some degree. She keeps calling from the psychiatric ward where she was committed. I let the calls go to vmail because I can't tell if it's her or the social worker. So far, only that one social worker contacted me last weekend. She's been there since last Friday, so 10 days tomorrow.

I answered one of her calls yesterday, just to shut her up. She acted all nicey nice. I was cold and to the point. She then turned on me, and stated it's all my fault (bpd and npd love to place blame) that they haven't released her yet. It's all my fault because I won't call and tell the social worker what a great person she is. I wanted to laugh out loud. I said it's your own fault, you voluntarily committed yourself. I have not the power to get you released earlier. I then reminded her how good she once had it, and I bet she won't do this again.

She started prattling on about how the food is there, some fellow patient she found a friend in, and other such stuff. I interrupted stating I had to go. She then blasted me with how is she going to pay her rent on time if they don't let her out before the 1st?!!!! I reminded her that since she took me off all her accounts, changed all her passwords, and reported me to her bank as someone suspicious, I am now unable to help her with that.

I repeated I had to go. She asked in an imitation sweet voice (I'm certain this was for the benefit of someone standing near her, maybe staff or her roommate), "How's my baby? Does she miss grandma"? I didn't answer. She dropped the fake sugary voice and demanded to know if my DD missed her. I said, "gotta go now....." She then crooned in that fake saccharine voice "I love youuuuu......Don't you love me toooo?""" I hung up.

She's so fake, phony, and irritating. I visited the tax credit apartment again, and they said her application is in its final stages, and it looks like she's approved for a Dec 1st move in. I really hope so. I haven't been able to drop off her public housing app because the lady is on vacation, but I'll do that some time next week. But...I will not be standing by for 2 years while her app sits on the waiting list. I'm am cutting the rope, and going fully NC once I know she really does have the tax credit apartment for Dec. The rest is up to her. I set out to get her sustainable housing, and it looks like that is close to being accomplished. She will have to keep up with the public housing wait list, or not.

[GettingOOTF]

They are incredibly manipulative. You are being so strong and doing a great job at navigating this.

At the end of the day hospital's are businesses and that is how they approach patients. Try not to let them pressure you in to taking any responsibility for her. It's much more difficult for them to release her if she doesn't have someone to take her. I have been in this position. Stay strong and focus on your own goals for your life.

PDs are very resourceful. When on the rare occasions they end up on the streets they still find a way to get their needs taken care of. Your mother will be fine.

[freedom77]

She makes me sick. I can't stand her. I literally lose my appetite. I really want her out of my life once and for all. And she can take back all the trauma and bad memories I have to lug around too. I really want to say, "Here's all your trauma back."

[Adrianna]

She makes me sick. I can't stand her. I literally lose my appetite. I really want her out of my life once and for all. And she can take back all the trauma and bad memories I have to lug around too. I really want to say, "Here's all your trauma back."

Believe it or not, this is a good sign. You've reached the anger / disgust stage. This is what makes no contact possible. You are on the right path here. I had reached that with her too. I also (rarely) received the sweet talk as an act of desperation when she felt me pulling away. It's all an act. I was repulsed by her behavior and so know exactly how you feel. Stay with this feeling and use it to fuel your freedom from this ongoing trauma. There is peace on the other side.

[freedom77]

Well they let her out yesterday...and so began the barrage of emails...like she picked up right where she left off. I liked having the silent peace of knowing she was unable to send me any communications while locked up. I know they are in the spam file, and I don't have to read them, but I skim over some to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to to get that apartment.

I'm ready to walk though because she announced a new plan. Since I'm not helping her enough to move into the tax credit apartment, (meaning coming over, putting up with her abuse and needling, clear out her cupboards and shelves and pack and box it all up, and coordinate the movers, etc. ALL of which she is capable of) she is now going to move to back to her home state, some 1500 miles away.

O.K. let me get this straight...you are unable to move 10 miles away to a secure and sustainable apartment, buttt...you can move 1500+ miles away to a climate you haven't weathered (no pun) in decades, where you've long since lost connection with, have nobody up there to receive you, have no living arrangement lined up, and no transportation either...yeah that sounds totally doable.

[GettingOOTF]

For her this has never been about a place to live, it's been about controlling you. Nothing you do for her will ever get her to leave you alone.

Even if she does move into the new place she will find a way to cause upheaval and drama.

The only way you are going to be able to find peace is to drop the rope. I'd start by not listening to her messages.

[Psuedonym]

Good! Her moving 1500 miles away is the best thing that could happen to you.

freedom, change your number. Changing your number being 'inconvenient' is not a good excuse. Speaking of numbers, she has yours, and she's going to keep exploiting it as long as you allow her to. Because you're allowing her to abuse you.

I don't have to read them, but I skim over some to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to to get that apartment.

Do you think she doesn't know that, because she absolutely does. She's not stupid, she knows what she's doing. And I guarantee you that she's going to screw it up (again) in order to get you to respond (again). I would go back and read your posts and see how many times you've said 'after this I'm done' or 'I'm ready to'. You need to actually take that step, or ten years from now you're going to be in the same place, or worse, that you are now. As GettingOOTF wisely said: The only way you are going to be able to find peace is to drop the rope.

[SunnyMeadow]

I agree with Psuedonym and Getting Out of the FOG. She will mess it up again, pretty much guaranteed. She doesn't seem to want this nice tax credit apartment but now she's going to mess up someone else getting it by her half-assing through it. She didn't communicate with the apartment lady and couldn't be bothered to taxi over there.

But her moving 1500 miles away, THAT would be good news!                  (in memory of WI  ♥)

[Andeza]

Ah Freedom, this is a tough thing. But you know... you can't get blood from a turnip. You can lead the horse to water... and many other appropriate sayings and idioms.

I'll share something with you. My own M is likely to lose the house I grew up in due to her own affected incompetence at some point down the road. It's paid for, but if she can't keep up with the taxes or goes too deeply into debt that won't matter eventually. I'm not getting involved. I'm not lifting a finger nor losing a single night of sleep.

I encourage you to join me. I encourage you to live your life free of the endless concern and barrage of vitriol and inanity. It's peaceful. It's healing. You have done far more than anyone should have to do.