Confusing Passive Criticism

Started by D., November 02, 2020, 10:33:05 AM

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D.

I see a lot here about a mother being outright mean and critical.  My mother doesn't do that...it's all in cerebral implication.  For example I use a mask, outside when I might be near people - my parents talk about how people who use masks outside just don't understand the science and how it's not necessary.  Or an email thanking one sibling only for a behavior.  Or a reminder to not feel disappointed if I don't get accepted to grad school (I did get accepted).  Then, my requests or boundaries simply go ignored or unheard - if i comment something I need or a pain that I experience, my mother suddenly has to hang up the phone.   And this type of verbal commentary has been used with pretty much anything/everything my whole life whenever I think differently. 

I recently tried to increase contact when I had a realization of the level of abuse my mother experiences from my father, thinking maybe she is just an abuse victim.  I am realizing, like I see on this web site, that it's probably both she is a victim, and she is an enabler, co-dependent, covert NPD.  Although it saddens me it's also giving me the strength to finally understand and accept the level of detachment and boundaries that I need from my parents.

I am coming to this conclusion after much therapy, activity on OOTS, reading, journaling, healthy friendships (FOC), etc...

Thank you for listening...any input or insights are most welcome.


Hepatica

#1
I have a covert father, overt mother and covert sister and in some ways I find my overt mother the most bearable because she is predictable and you just give her a wide berth. The covert, passive aggressive methods by my father and sister are sinister. It took days or weeks sometimes for me to figure out why I felt so unsettled inside. When I think about it, it has taken me almost forty years! Because I'm really just waking up to it now.  :o As I get more educated I look back and see that I used to find myself feeling drained and sick after spending time with them and not knowing why. Christmas was the most annoying. Things like my sister saying no presents one year and I didn't buy presents, showed up at her house (she always hosted) and she bought us all presents.  :doh: I was so embarrassed and annoyed, and again when I got home, I felt sick.

I think they are all empathy blind though and they don't/can't imagine other people's perspective.
"There is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there's
still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where
there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

Call Me Cordelia

Congratulations on being accepted to grad school!

C you described my mother. Every one of those behaviors are familiar territory with her. I have concluded she is a covert narcissist as well as an enabler/victim.

A few comments of my own. The "don't be disappointed" has numerous problems with it. 1. Your mother presumes to tell you what to feel. 2. She implies you wouldn't be accepted, which is insulting. 3. It further implies M doesn't want to have to deal with your disappointment so you better stuff it. All is dressed up as caring about you.  :barfy:  That's as clear an example of covert abuse as I can think of.

I'm seeing a lot of you getting stuffed down in just these few examples. You being undermined indirectly such that it makes it difficult for you to deal with directly. If you tried it would most likely be turned around on you that you're being petty and over sensitive. For example, if you replied to that email with, "You're welcome, mom!"

Covert narcissists are cowardly and tricky, all in one dangerous package that chips away at your self-esteem over a lifetime of deniable jabs. You're in the right place!

D.

Everything you both say is so true!  Thank you for the encouragement and understanding.

And I know exactly what my mom does when I address her directly.  This got me to thinking.  She ignores me or makes it about her.  I can think of numerous examples when I've told her something really important by telephone or in-person, one year about a singular abuse incident by a neighborhood child!  Her response is always to all of a sudden need to go, or tell me it's just too upsetting to her but we'll talk about it later...it's been 20 years w/that one.  But she does this anytime I bring up my own pain.  Or she simply changes the subject.  Nearly every time. 

I have to say there was once in my life when she asked me what to do when I expressed pain over my divorce.  I asked for a hug, and she gave it to me.  It was a sweet moment.

But it's the inconsistency that's just crazy making for me,  so my motto is "love from a distance."