Ugh. No good choices.

[Amadahy]

Hi, y'all,

Mostly a post to process my own disturbing emotions, here.  Bear with me.  xo

Nmom went to long-term care in May.  It's a great facility and she's receiving wonderful care.  However, COVID is making it really hard (on everyone).  Nmom said on the phone tonight that she's "not satisfied" at the facility.  She recognizes that she's not able to be on her own, but this cuts me to the core.  Why?  Well, because I'd feel the same way, mostly.  It is sad that she needs this care.  It is sad that I gave it a go in my own home for six hellish months and re-activated C-PTSD and hurt my own FOO.  It is sad that COVID has made isolation an unwelcome guest in the facility.  Everything is just so damn sad.

Now, logically, I know that I cannot -- repeat *CANNOT* -- help my Nmom in a way that is really helpful to her.  Her need for care is too great and my need for sanity is pretty darn great, too.  Still, I feel sad knowing that there are no good choices here.  Probably my mom will decline mentally and physically and I'll get to visit (maybe) at the end of her life and ... again, it is just too sad.  I guess I'm revisiting the oft-thought refrain of *why does it have to be this way*?  If I even thought for one moment I could "fix" anything, I'd do it, in a heartbeat.  It's just not fixable and that's the hardest to take.

Like I said, logically, I know this is just how it is, that there is nothing to be done.  However, my heart and body don't know this and I have all the anxiety, insomnia, palpitations, shallow breathing, etc one would have in an imminent crisis situation.  It sucks, big time, as you all know.  I don't know how to ever get "better," and my wonderful therapist moved.  Her replacement was .... in a word, awful.  I do some body therapies (acupuncture, chiro, yoga, etc) that are helpful, but this is rough.

Just processing with folks who understand.  I appreciate warm, fuzzy, non-foggy thoughts, advice, or any horrid jokes you want to share.  (I've told myself to laugh more....)   

xoxoxo  Thank you, lifesavers.

[Sneezy]

It is so damn sad.  You wouldn't be human if you couldn't feel the sadness around this pandemic.  And the toll on our individual and collective mental health may be worse than the physical toll. 

My mom is in independent senior living (ISL), which means I can go see her and can take her out (although there are few places that are safe to take an 80-year old right now).  She is miserable, even though we see each other at least once every week.  But I try to remind myself that she would be miserable even if there was no such thing as Covid.  She would just be miserable about something else.

I also try to remind myself that none of this is my fault.  Covid isn't my fault.  And my mom had to move into ISL for several reasons, none of which have anything to do with me.  She is older.  She had some unfortunate health incidents earlier in her life that have impacted her balance and mobility.  She also made some bad decisions, including being such a martyr and reveling in her own suffering to the point where she didn't take care of her health and is now paying the price.  I didn't cause it, and I can't change any of it.

I think you are smart to do the body therapies you mention.  Yoga has been wonderful for me, and I've kept it up throughout the pandemic.  I have also started seeing my massage therapist again.  We both wear masks and take every safety precaution, and having that brief time to relax and be pampered has really helped, not to mention, it keeps me stretchier for yoga 

I wish I had a horrid joke or two to share.  Oh I know, what do you get when you play country music backwards?  You get your dog back, your wife back, your truck back.   

Hugs and warm fuzzies to you!!!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm glad you could share with us, Amadahy.  It is definitely sad and disturbing.  Hearing our loved ones say they're trapped and need our help in circumstances where we really can't help is very stressful.

I'm in a similar situation with my mom.  She was railing to me about getting her out of the AL before Covid ever happened.  Most narcs control and bully every person and situation around them they can.  So having to fit in with the AL program was hard -- even though it was a great place, like yours, and they've always been attentive and pleasant.  They give her as much independence as possible.  But they're not going to allow things like wet hoarding in their facility.

The Covid restrictions and isolation have been ghastly.  My mom survived one bad Covid outbreak there without catching it.   It's starting up again there.  I call her 3 times a week and have a long conversation with her.  She gets calls from my sibs too.  But I'm also paying her old part time homecare worker, from when she was still on her own, to phone her.  She's very willing to call her daily, so I pay her to do that.  It helps my mom and takes some of the pressure off me.

I don't tell her that I don't think she will ever move or live anywhere else again before she dies.  She has all kinds of ideas for the future that will never happen.  I just say "We can't do anything while the virus is spreading,"  and change the subject.  When she's angry and complaining, I let her vent some.  But not so much that it gets to me.  Then I redirect the course of the conversation. 

I find inspiring passages from people we both enjoy, like the Dalai Lama and read them to her.  Then we have something uplifting to talk about.  it seems to help.

Time helps, too.  For both people.  Slow adjustments happen. . . a new normal.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with sadness and cry.  But not always.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with guilt and fears of future regrets.  I let others talk some sense into me at those times.   I try to do things that feed my soul every single day.  I find what inspires me.   Humor is also a great healer, as you said,  and easy to find on the internet. 

Prayers for comfort for you and your mom, Amadahy.  Take care of that big heart of yours.  XO   

[Hepatica]

Dear Amadahy,

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing.

Everything is just so damn sad.

That sentence sums up everything. I keep going back to it in my own situation and when I give it some time and I'm curious about it, it feels very very old. Like I felt that everything was so damn sad since the time I was very young. It seems like every step of the way when growing up in disorder is extra hard.

I am not trying to dwell in this. I am only acknowledging it. Because it is real. There is the extra weight of resentment and sadness that we bear which adds up to a whole lot of loss, that is really hard and often we keep it all to ourselves. On a good week we just go along with everything but then these things happen, like with your Nmom, and the it's even extra challenging.

The only thing I can say is to be tender with yourself, all the selves at all the different ages inside of you. You cannot fix this and it is not up to you to fix. But there is no doubt that it is unfair, very sad and very hard.

I think knowing that you're not alone with these feelings might help. I really get it. And the question is, is how do we sit with the resonance of this sadness and grief, the feelings of helplessness? Can we attend to them, the way we would for someone else. Hot tea. A warm blanket and just some time to let the feelings flow through us. They don't generally last I find, but I have found giving them some space allows them to flow through faster than when I stuff them and ignore them.

Thank you for sharing with us. I feel you. These are really hard times for all of us.

[practical]

Your sadness, could you try to turn at least some of it into anger? It is your M who made it this way. We have friends who took their elderly parents out of AL and even long-term care, so they could safely live with them and got outside help to supplement. Your M has barred this avenue due to her abuse of you and your family, not just when she lived with you but beyond. The sadness is very understandable, it drains you - if you could find some anger that your M has made it impossible to be your normal, loving and kind self, it might help you.

Nmom went to long-term care in May.  It's a great facility and she's receiving wonderful care.  However, COVID is making it really hard (on everyone).  Nmom said on the phone tonight that she's "not satisfied" at the facility.  She recognizes that she's not able to be on her own, but this cuts me to the core.  Why?  Well, because I'd feel the same way, mostly. It is sad that she needs this care.  It is sad that I gave it a go in my own home for six hellish months and re-activated C-PTSD and hurt my own FOO.  It is sad that COVID has made isolation an unwelcome guest in the facility.  Everything is just so damn sad.

Have you asked yourself what she meant with "she is not satisfied"? Does she have a specific issue that could be addressed (not that I suggest you should get involved) or is it a general statement and a disguised guilt trip? And are you projecting your own feelings including possibly your own fears onto her, onto her situation? There is also a way to look at it from the positive side: She has a safe, good place - even if it may not be perfect - and could be thankful for it, unfortunately that is usually not the view of PDs. And we end up feeling like we failed again, because we couldn't make them happy, we couldn't heal their wounds and make it all better.

As for your former therapist, could you do sessions with her by Zoom or on the phone? With the pandemic this has become a definite option and almost normal in many cases.

Take care of yourself, something only you can do. If you haven't done so already, try journaling maybe and maybe you can find some anger.

[Boat Babe]

I really understand how you feel Amadahy.  Our PD parents thwart our natural love for them through their disorder. They end up old, bitter and alone. Our natural love for our parents mean that we then feel tremendous pity for them. Probably more compassion than they ever showed us. It's a steaming pile of poo.

Right now you need to be very very kind to yourself and use this difficult time to work on yourself, to practice self care and self compassion. You have to remember that your mother is an adult and that she made her own choices. Karma did the rest. And that even the healthiest of families are struggling right now. We are on our second lockdown here in the UK and everyone is well hacked off. My silver lining in all this is I am not allowed to travel and visit uPD mum.  I know just how lonely she is but there is nothing I can do about it so I am able to let it go. It's taken some time to detach emotionally which is great but I do feel like an orphan.

Sending you huge hugs ❤️

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Yes, those are difficult emotions to sit with and process and what you are feeling is very real.  You say "It is sad that COVID has made isolation an unwelcome guest in the facility.  Everything is just so damn sad." Totally agree. Isolation, combined with lack of choices, no end or even tentative plan of an end that any of us can hang our hope on. I don't say this to anyone, but my heart is broken at all that we have lost and keep losing each day this drags on. I sometimes feel an unspoken pressure for us all to just suck it up, our losses are irrelevant. That does not make it better. I feel like it actually makes them worse. Our pain goes unaddressed, unacknowledged and dismissed.   
     
I wish I had a good answer for you, but maybe the most I can do is be here to listen and be one more person to acknowledge what you are going through. Everyone here is replying with similar feelings, so I suppose none of us are alone even though it may seem that way. I think it sounds like you are still doing well by your mother, even though it may not be the way you had envisioned. Keep doing the things that make you feel calm and peaceful, adjust and repeat as often as needed.   

[Amadahy]

Thank you all SO much.  xoxo

Sneezy, that joke is golden!  LOL.  Thank you.  Lookin, thank you for prayers and understanding.  Hepatica, yes all of life has actually been sad, you are right in my case, too.  I used to idealize, but then realized that any nostalgia was because I had tried so hard to make memories amid the dysfunction. 

Ah, Practical.  I think WTF is wrong with me that I don't get overtly angry?  I think any anger I have, sadly, is turned on myself through self-sabotage, poor eating choices, etc.  I wish I could just have a good flailing anger jag at her, but it's not happening right now.  Wonder if it ever will? 

Boat Babe and Blueberry, thank you for good reminders and kindness.  This board has the most awesome folks, ever!

I'm backing off communication for starters.  I had phoned a few times/week and visited once/week.  I did not visit this past weekend -- I just could not muster the energy and overcome the dread. I have only called once this last week.  Nmom was easily redirected, so I am thankful for that.  The facility is really a godsend, good people doing their level best in such trying times!  I am fantastically grateful. 

A sidenote: sis has asked if facility will let Nmom visit for the holidays.  Uhm, sis, there's a pandemic?  Hello?!!  LOL.  But, she has not been careful at all and I'm all out of preachy-preach, so I will just let that all work itself out.  We're having a quiet, immediate household holiday season.

Thanks again, everyone.  Hugs and blessings to each and every one.  xoxo