Sad about parents

[Duck]

Sometimes I am so sad about parents and children, I feel existential angst. I feel as if I live in a dystopia and there can be no God because of how the world works.

I am sad that humans are in charge of creating other humans.

I was reading today about evolutionary biology and how a lot of species do not employ parental care of young as a survival strategy. However, a species may evolve to employ parental care if it is worth the cost to help the young survive and thrive. Like if the parents can teach the kids to avoid predators better and it's worth that time and effort.

I am not one to rely too much on nature analogies bc many aspects of nature are inappropriate when applied to human society. However, I thought about how weird it is that our species employs parental care, yet often does not aim it toward helping the young survive and thrive or toward helping the young become good parents to their progeny (grandchildren).

Rather, the parental care is intended to bind the young to the parent to help the parent survive and thrive. In fact, the parent may demand that resources are directed away from multiple generations (grandchildren) to ensure the parent survives and thrives.

And society seems to say this is ok. I probably shouldn't be surprised by that bc society has many parents in it. Also, humans have often demonstrated an inability to resist exploiting other humans, especially weaker ones.

I'm not suggesting elderly persons receive no resources. I do not want society to be a Darwinian nightmare. I believe you all understand what I mean.

Most of all, I am sad that from the moment of birth, there is a biological tie to people we did not choose. Even if we go no contact, they exist.

It is the lack of choice that is really bothering me. The lack of agency. The fact that we must stay with them over two decades and they make a lasting impact on us.

And we didn't choose them but they believe they are entitled to our company, our friendship, our services. They seem not to understand that we did not choose them.

I am even sad for my parents bc they were victims of this same system and I believe my father's upbringing contributed greatly to his PD.

I am not really asking a question except maybe 1) am I crazy? And 2) is there anything that can snap me out of this despair?

[Andeza]

No, you're not crazy. I've noticed the trend as well. I think that this, truly, is where the cries of "entitlement" arise from. It isn't supposed to be this way. Parents are supposed to care for, nurture, and give to their children freely. Then, they are supposed to look after their own futures and retirement and have plan in place for their care. I believe not having a plan and expecting your kids to take care of you as you age is both lazy and selfish.

I do not know if you are religious or not, Duck, but if you are, we had a excellent discussion in that forum, I'll link you to it if you like https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=85603.0

Regardless of religious affiliation or no, I think it's important to realize that we can change things for the future. We have the power to raise the next generation better, and even if we do not have children, we have the ability to mentor children in need. We can be the change we wish to see. Each of us holds the key of insight and greater understanding than previous generations. We are the hope for the future, Duck. Take heart. We journey together.

[Sapling]

Dear Duck,

You don't sound crazy at all. You've just summed up a lot of what is wrong with society. Parents have a huge amount of power over their children just because of the nature of the relationship where the child's survival is dependent on the parents, and a lot of people do abuse that power (consciously or unconsciously).
I am really moved by your compassion for your father: "I am even sad for my parents bc they were victims of this same system and I believe my father's upbringing contributed greatly to his PD."

It's baffling sometimes to look at the world and see how much injustice happens within the family unit let alone on a wider scale. Your sadness makes a lot of sense and I would encourage you to keep feeling it until you get through to the other side. Your sadness may be the feeling of healing from deep wounds.

I can really relate to your anguish about the lack of choice in who brings us up and how we are brought up:
"It is the lack of choice that is really bothering me. The lack of agency. The fact that we must stay with them over two decades and they make a lasting impact on us. And we didn't choose them but they believe they are entitled to our company, our friendship, our services. They seem not to understand that we did not choose them."

Sometimes it can be hard to fully feel like we're living in the moment because it feels like it takes so long to unpack and heal from that two decades of damage that parents can do. But you sounds like you are doing just that- unpacking it all and feeling your feelings, and feeling for them too, and grasping a sense of agency now that wasn't possible before. Sending you a as you process these difficult feelings. Thank you for sharing your insights.

[Hepatica]

I understand this sadness Duck. I think I also understand the existential angst you're talking about. The other night between a sleep and waking state I felt what I would define this feeling of existential angst, this great grief overwhelmed me as I woke up, as if I had been in a beautiful place while I was sleeping, and then woke to this current reality that I am and I felt so utterly broken and sad. Like if you had lost a loved one but you forget when you're sleeping and then wake up to be reminded of it. I realized it was because I have lost my family to all of this disorder.

I wonder if much of this comes from the movement away from more communal styles of living that would have existed, even pre-industrial age. I mean that if I had been raised in a larger group, perhaps I would have found one or two people i felt safe with, rather than existing behind closed doors with what I sometimes call my parents: monsters. In the First Nations, for instance, there was a close structure where all were helping one another, and a child was nurtured by a group of people and it was important that the group as a whole were healthy. Elders had places of status and so did everyone else. Nowadays we are all behind closed doors and our behaviours can be sloppy. If you add PD into the house, it can be hidden and dangerous to children. People do check their behaviour with others around.

We have build our societies now around isolation and I think that's a core issue that we're all dealing with. I don't think we do well with it in the end. Esp. children. I mean, I raised my child alone, and I hated it. I wished I had other mothers around me to share questions with and get support from. If I had had other mothers around me and I was losing my patience with my child, another mother might have stepped in and said, go have a nap, you're tired. Some of my worst mother moments were because I was exhausted and alone. 

I know that communal groups can go the other way as well though, when a disordered person is given leadership. But over all, I think it would have been a better way for me to grow up. The intensity of having two parents with a disorder and hardly ever getting a break from it was so hard.

[Duck]

Andeza -

Thank you for your response. It helped bring me back to the serenity prayer. Even though I’m sad, I can make a difference in my own way through the things I can control.

I do hope society improves over time and I see some improvements from the past. People had a poor understanding of trauma not too long ago. There were no child abuse laws. Over time, there has been more awareness of how much impact parents have on kids. Psychiatry has made advances. I think one disadvantage my dad had was growing up in a time when his mother could not receive adequate mental help. Mental hospitals sucked. I don’t think anyone knew what they were doing. There is more help available now. Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for journeying with me.

[Duck]

Sapling -

Thank you so much for encouraging me to feel my feelings. It happens that is my main focus with my psychiatrist right now.

Thank you for validating my thoughts

Part of my sadness is definitely about the shortness of life and the amount of time it takes to slowly wade through the damage. I was having a hard time recently wondering why I am not "over" my parents yet. I am realizing this is a lifelong process and although I will get better and better, there is probably not an "end."

Thanks again for your thoughtfulness.

[Duck]

Hepatica -

You bring up some really good points. I think sometimes about how people love to be the “king of their castle.” They can do whatever they want there and nobody can tell them how to raise their kid!

Obviously, it is good to have some privacy and autonomy. I think you probably know which parents I mean who feel too kingly.

People are definitely in their own kingdoms and they may as well be light years away from other kingdoms. My family was involved in church and school, but we successfully hid our dysfunction.

I agree, too, that people need support raising kids.

Thank you for understanding how sad someone can be. Putting it in perspective, I know parents and children are just one of the many problems on earth. At the same time, parents have a lot of impact, so it makes sense to feel a lot of feelings about them.