Mom is terrible with technology and she thinks that's my problem

Started by Sneezy, November 22, 2020, 03:20:37 PM

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Sneezy

So this is a two-part problem.  First, one of my siblings appears to have made the decision to go VLC with mom.  I understand that's his choice and really, there's nothing I can do about it either way.  However, he is the one who bought mom a computer (a few years ago), set it all up, and showed her how to use it.  He is also able to remotely log on to her computer and fix most things when she has a problem.  But he hasn't seen mom in a couple years, and has decided to call her once or twice a month at most.  So, now mom has decided that I am her new tech support person.  I'm not great with this kind of stuff to begin with, and the situation is worse because she has a mac and I have a PC and her system just baffles me at times. 

Second, mom is absolutely awful with technology.  And everything is an emergency in her eyes.  And she thinks it's my job to fix it.  I have no interest in being her computer support person.  I don't mind showing her some simple things on her phone, or printing something for her that she needs, or doing simple tasks.  But I really don't know how to fix some of the weird error messages she gets.  At times, I wonder why she even has a computer.  It seems to me that a simple phone where she could make calls and check her facebook and email would be sufficient.

Finally, I guess this is really a three-part question.  I convinced mom to get an ipad because she complained that her phone screen wasn't big enough to text with.  I thought she would use it to text and do zoom calls and play games.  But all she does is complain about it.  It's like she was expecting the ipad to entertain her 24/7 and it hasn't worked out that way.  And no matter what I show her, she forgets, and then it's all my fault again because "no one has shown me how to do anything on my ipad."

I'm getting to the point where I'd like to buy her a flip phone and throw her iphone, ipad, and that stupid mac out the window.  Any suggestions?

Andeza

Last time I worked on my M's computer, it took me six hours to dig a virus out of the registry, manually deleting every section of it by hand. I told her if she screwed her computer up again by clicking on the random crap that pops up on the sides of the screen, I wasn't helping.

Before I went NC, she had managed to bog it down to almost useless with who knows what and complained to me about it. "I told you I wouldn't help with that anymore. Take it to Geek Squad." That was the end of it. I drew a line, I stuck with it, and she had no idea what to do about it.

I've heard the Casio flip phone is quite good in recent iterations. I had an earlier model and it was practically indestructible, and I'm the person that sends things randomly flying across the room from pure clumsiness.  :-\
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

SparkStillLit

My mom bugs updh in this manner. She refuses to learn basic functions on her tablet (except how to stalk family on social media, she has nooooo problem figuring that out-most of us have her blocked on platforms we use, or only let her see public accounts).
I won't do a damn thing. DH can do what he wants. I'd make her use a service. Big NOPE from me. She is very forceful and throws down, too. Don't care.

Thru the Rain

I suggest starting with the word NO. (Easier said than done I know!)

And since it sounds like she has a bunch of Apple products - send her to the Apple "Geniuses" who created the devices. Or Best Buy's Geek Squad.

And you mention buying this stuff for her? Stop. If she researches and buys her own tech, she *might* gain some knowledge along with the research.

So back the word NO, maybe it's "hmmmmmmm......that's too much for me to figure out. Call the Geek Squad." And then let it go. (and don't call the Geek Squad for her - I'm 100% certain she knows how to dial a phone).

GettingOOTF

Here’s the thing with home computers - they are very simple to use. I don’t accept this “I’m bad at technology”. I keep in touch with most people via FB Messenger as I have friends and family all over the world. My father used to complain that he couldn’t figure out FB. But he worked in technology and wrote code as a hobby. It wasn’t about using FB it was about controlling my time and how we communicated.

There are plenty of services out there for tech support. There are people who run these businesses out of their bedroom, that’s how easy it is to do the simple things most people need like removing a virus etc.

It seems like it’s not about her not knowing how to use technology, it’s about her wanting attention and time from her kids. Many people never learned how to ask for this in a healthy way so do it through PD behaviors, most likely the same types of behaviors that got them attention as children.

If you no longer wish to help her with this you can refuse.  I know a lot about  technology. I used to have friends and family come to me all the time with their issues, which were usually because they clicked on something they shouldn’t and installed a virus. Some would take me hours to fix. Eventually I started saying no. It took a while but eventually people stopped coming to me.

For me I find it important to put these things in perspective to help clear the FOG. The iPad for example is probably the simplest tech device out there. The only thing you can do is turn it on or off and install apps. How is she forgetting what you told her and not able to figure this very simple device out on her own? Either she’s doing it for attention or she has a more serious issue, like dementia. For years I was really FOGgy with my father and the FB thing. I totally accepted that he couldn’t figure it out even though he did almost everything on line. When it comes to our parents I think we have blind spots over certain things. There is also this narrative that older people battle with technology. This is as much an unwillingness to learn than anything else. Millions of older people successfully use technology to communicate, pass the time, lean new things and start home based businesses.

You are allowed to step away from this. You are not responsible for your mother’s issues in this department. Next time she comes to you I’d tell her to contact the Genius Bar for her Apple products. With things like this they tend to get worse the longer they go on.

Good luck.

SunnyMeadow

Definitely not your problem. In fact from now on, you have no idea what could be wrong with the product and no idea how to fix it. Let her call the Geek Squad or her neighbor's grandchild. I tell my uPD mother that setting up or troubleshooting computers gives me anxiety and makes me afraid I'm going to permanently mess it up.

Just like when PD people want us to solve or talk endlessly about their medical issues and we tell them to call their doctor. Tell her to call tech support!


Hepatica

Seems like she's using another thing to play waify and helpless. That must be so annoying for you. My uNPD mom is exactly the same way. Every struggle they have becomes everyone else's struggle as well. They are stuck in a complaining loop.

I don't know what to say to her except to be honest and say, "I honestly can't help you Mom. Sorry I'm not technically inclined,"  Then quickly change the subject??!!  ;)

Ugh. I know how frustrating it is.
"There is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there's
still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where
there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

Sneezy

Quote from: GettingOOTF on November 23, 2020, 07:15:11 AM
How is she forgetting what you told her and not able to figure this very simple device out on her own? Either she's doing it for attention or she has a more serious issue, like dementia.
This made the lightbulb go off in my head!  Because my MIL has memory issues and appears to be headed towards dementia or alzheimers.  It is sad, she can't remember so many things.  And yet, guess what she can still do?  She sits and surfs on her ipad for hours (she used to be a realtor and she surfs realty sites non-stop, looking for houses that she thinks her family members should buy).  I guess the point is, if my non-techie MIL with memory problems can use an ipad, so can my very smart mother.  You're right, this is feigned helplessness for the purpose of getting attention.

Now the part that will be hard for me is that I hate playing dumb.  But it's time to start telling Mom that I have no idea how to fix her computer.  The fact that I could figure it out if I had to is beside the point.  I don't want to.

IRedW77

So familiar!

I've been tech support for my mother since I was 5. It used to only be the TV and the VCR and stuff like that. "Mom, it has to be on channel 3!" (There's an age test for you)

The fun part has always been:
"That's not what you told me last time!"
"Well, you didn't tell me that!" (I can literally hear that in my head in her voice as I type it)
"Why would they design it like that?!"
"That makes no sense for anyone!"
"That button shouldn't be that (big/small/color/in that spot)!"
"Why does it/ doesn't it just do that, that would make sense?!"

Someday I want to meet the army of ergonomic reverse engineers that have been monitoring my mother for 70 years just to be able to maximize her inconvenience. It must have been an expensive process, and really detrimental to product design, but right now I feel like I'd just give them a high five.

Honey_B

This was a very familar pattern with my NP mother (before I went NC for other reasons)

My mother did a lot magical thinking, therefore she always clicked on stupid pop-up messages saying something like "Click to win 10,000$". I told her not to click on them and then she would get mad at ME for being such a "negative person" who would be jealoux if she really did win 10,000$  :stars:

Her favorite excuse for not knowing something IT related was always "nobody told me". She expects everything to be told her, she did not feel responsible for doing any knowledge gathering or research on her own. She loved to just sit there as the great martyr with a malware infested PC telling me it was "other peoples fault" because no one told her she could not click on that link in that e-mail.

I worked in IT myself for many years so I really had to set some massive boundries. Once we didnt speak for 6 months because she got mad at me for not wanting to spend my time designing her a "cool app". She could not say what the app should do, look like or who it was for. She just rage attacked me for refusing to make an app "we could make millions on like youtube or facebook". She told me I could not be very good at my IT job if I could not design her a "cool app" :stars:  :stars: 

Actually, she has no idea what an "app" it, she just saw something on TV about someone who sold an app for a lot of money  :doh:

Anyways, we are NC now... not because of IT issues, they were just another part of the abuse


nanotech

"Now the part that will be hard for me is that I hate playing dumb.  But it's time to start telling Mom that I have no idea how to fix her computer.  The fact that I could figure it out if I had to is beside the point.  I don't want to."

We hate 'playing dumb' because we've been taught that the only time we might get approval from them is if we help them when asked.
It's actually playing smart- think of it like that. Don't be tempted to even have a try at fixing it.
When she hears the no, she will try and get you to JADE so be ready.

I've found the best answer to follow the No,
is another no.
The best thing I ever taught myself to do was to not get involved in circular arguments where I try and Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain my no. ( JADE)
You just keep repeating no, calmly then end the call as soon as you can.
Don't be scared of silences where she will  probably fume ( pretend not to notice and don't let your FOG buttons be pressed) and  be expecting you to JADE.
Instead, all you say, is
No
I don't know
Too bad
Ring the techies

Then go and do something nice for you.

Sneezy

The latest tech issue is her phone.  Mom needed a new phone and my siblings thought this would be a lovely Christmas gift that we could all go in on.  So guess whose job it became to order the phone and set it up for Mom?  I know, I know, why did I agree?  But it did make sense since Mom lives near me.  Anyway, the phone comes in, works great, DH swaps out the sim card and Mom is all set.  Until I was about to go to bed last night and Mom calls in a panic because she somehow blocked one of my sibling's phone numbers and now she won't know when sibling calls her.  This was a major emergency  :doh:

Luckily, I texted my sibs and one of them handled it.  But I should have known this is how it would go.  DH wonders if she blocked my sibling on purpose to cause drama, but honestly, I don't think she could figure out how to do that if she wanted to.

It never ends.