Fear of NC: 'what if they die and I'll regret not seeing them again?'

[Call Me Cordelia]

In some ways I look forward to the day when there is no option, they are gone and it's done.

Saaaaaaaaame! 

[blacksheep7]

I realized something, your question implies something meaningful might happen, if we see our PDparents again.

I came across the following passage in a book about Hospice Care in the chapter on dying: "How do most people actually die? Well, it's not how most of us Imagine. Death has been romanticized by the movies and TV shows we have watched over the years. Quite often people in movies speak up until the moment of their last breath, giving important messages of knowledge, love and kindness to their loved ones. Of all the deaths I have attended, I have never seen a person have any final words or goodbyes to their loved ones prior to passing." (from "Seven keys to a peacefull passing" by Derek J. Flores, p. 68).

So, if a normal person doesn't say anything meaningful at this stage of their life, what chance do we have with PDparents? I know, the above only applies to the time and process of somebody dying, still it was meaningful to me to be told this reality for normal people, to get this reference point.

When my NF died in 2008, I was still in the fog.  He died of cancer within two months he entered the hospital.  I only missed three days not being present. The hospital was near my home I would pick up NM and spend my entire days with her.  Couldn't have been more enmeshed.
Well nm asked nf after several weeks in the hospital if he had anything to say to her, this in front of me.  He was her «god».  She did not get a reply that she expected, some kind of Romeo & Juliette phrase that cimented their love.  He brushed it off implying that he had «nothing» to say.  NM face fell to the floor.  She had always made me believe that they had deep conversations between them.

My NF for one did Not Accept that he was dying.  The doctor had to repeat to him several times the facts. He even told my B off for  the same reasons.

Stardust1982,

My NM is a tough cookie physically at 88.   I will not feel guilty not going to her funeral, nor on her dying bed if ever the case,  I should be told.  I am nc since May 2017.   I made my peace with that.  Her vileness has been layed down serveral times to me so going to her would mean that she won. I won't ever let her have the last word like she always wanted.   I respect myself now. 

[Miss Kay]

I went through years of sadness and grieving for a mother I needed and wanted and yet what I got was an abusive evil woman.  I tried everything until one day I realized it was never going to change and I needed to save myself.  After all, it was doing her no good for me to continue to enable her.  By then, I was done crying, wishing, hoping, or even wanting.  I just wanted to get away and find happiness and peace.  My NC lasted 9 years before she died.  I knew she was dying and still had no desire to see her again.  I knew if I did it would be horrible.  She always had to get the last word and had to get revenge so going NC was of course all about her (in her mind) instead of about saving myself from more pain and destruction.  I did go to the funeral because I really wanted to know how I would feel.  I felt nothing but a sense of freedom and relief.  I didn't want her to suffer or have any hate toward her.  I simply wanted to finally be free from her stalking and, drama, and lies about me.  Of course she did get the last word in the end.  She had my brother mail me a hateful letter telling me I would get nothing.  I never asked for anything nor did I expect it.  It did bring me down of course until I realized she did me a favor.  If she had sent a sweet letter of regret, love, and apology I would have forever wonder if I should have given her one last chance.  Instead, I knew without a doubt I made the right choice and I prevented her from attacking me in person one last time.  You do what you feel you need but if your mom is anything like mine, my guess is her death will be a turning point in your life.  One where you walk away from fear and dread.     

[Call Me Cordelia]

Miss Kay, thanks for sharing that. Do you mind if I ask about the other relationships that you shared with your mother? Did your appearance at the funeral impact those relationships positively or negatively? Had you maintained those other relationships despite NC with your M?

I'm curious because for myself, I had to cut off everyone else who was toxic and not-so-toxic but still part of the dysfunction: siblings, aunts, uncles, etc. such that I have no family members in my life outside of my husband and children. I don't think I'm alone in that. My parents are only in their early 60s, and their parents were all long-lived so I'm thinking that by the time they die it will likely be too late for restoring any of those relationships. But I'm only 3 years NC, not 9. I'm sad for the loss of those relationships but the more distance I get the more I realize how they too were stressful and lopsided.

[Miss Kay]

There were six of us, two were golden children and could do no wrong, two were sort of neutral and tried to stay out of the drama, and then my little brother and I were the ones she hated and saw to it that the two golden siblings hated and punished us as well.  Many of my nieces and nephews had felt her wrath so in the end, the family was split right down the middle.  We literally sat on opposite sides of the room.  Their side was all crying and carrying on while our side was just watching in silence.  Afterward we went back to the hotel and had a party for my birthday and didn't even bother speaking of the funeral.  My two favorite brothers are gone now but I'm very close with their children and I feel blessed to have them.  The remaining siblings leave me alone and I leave them alone.  Works for all of us.  As for aunts and uncles, they are all gone but I sure wish I would have asked them about her before they all died.  I just suffered in silence thinking there was nothing I could do and no one would believe me.  I wonder now if they knew more than they let on.