What would you do?

Started by Adria, December 18, 2020, 01:03:22 PM

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Adria

I'm a little ashamed of myself because I feel like being really petty right now.

It is my Nmil's 90th birthday today.  Nsil sent me and dh a text with a picture of the birthday girl looking for a response.

For the first time, I don't want to respond.  I feel awful because that is not who I am on any level. I'm always the bigger person. However, SIL never has responded to my texts, phone calls, etc. even when it was important concerning MIL.  SIL and MIL send me ugly old lady birthday cards with snarky words in them on my birthday. This year, I decided I'm not opening a card from them. It will go directly to the trash.  We haven't communicated in over four years as I just grew tired of never being acknowledged as being a family member in dh's family. I have taught my kids to respect them as family. My kids send them birthday gifts and Christmas gifts.  They have not shown me the same respect at all in return. 

I have bent over backwards for MIL when she stays with us in the warm weather four a few weeks during the winter. She is nasty to me and tells me she is just using me.  She is too old and frail to come down and has been for the last four years, so I thought that was a good time to go NC, and I have dh's blessing because he has seen their treatment of me as well.

I understand it never hurts to send a happy birthday wish, but quite frankly. I just don't care.  They have used up every bit of grace I have had toward them, and I feel like I'm just over it.  Should I just get over myself and text a happy birthday, or just skip over it like . . . whatever? :unsure:
It goes against my grain to be that way, however I will be 59 years old in a couple months, and I just don't give a sh!t anymore. :roll:
For a flower to blossom, it must rise from the dirt.

Thru the Rain

You know for a fact you won't make SIL or MIL happy. So make yourself happy.

It's OK to acknowledge that they are not a productive or positive part of your life - or any part at all anymore - and to just drop the rope and not respond.

I understand the push/pull of staying true to yourself. Make a new "true" which is not rewarding years of bad behavior on MIL and SIL's part.

And just a point that occurs to me. SIL sends you a pic of her M, expecting a response from you. This feels like when a Mom asks a teenager to get on the phone to wish Grandma happy birthday. A little infantalizing. I may be reading too much into this, but if you want/don't want to wish MIL happy birthday, you hardly need another adult in the middle of that interaction to make sure you behave "properly".

Adria

Wow, Thru the Rain!

You nailed it!!!  You have freed me a bit more from myself today.  Hugs, Adria
For a flower to blossom, it must rise from the dirt.

SunnyMeadow

Quote from: Adria on December 18, 2020, 01:03:22 PM
I don't want to respond.
:yes:

QuoteSIL never has responded to my texts, phone calls, etc. even when it was important concerning MIL
:no:

QuoteSIL and MIL send me ugly old lady birthday cards
:o

QuoteThey have used up every bit of grace I have had toward them, and I feel like I'm just over it.
:applause:

QuoteShould I just get over myself and text a happy birthday, or just skip over it like . . . whatever? :unsure:
No way--don't get over yourself, skip it

QuoteI will be 59 years old in a couple months, and I just don't give a sh!t anymore. :roll: 
Good! I think you're in a good place! After all they've done to you, it's okay not to give a sh!t anymore. Too bad, so sad for them  :meh:

Adria

Thanks SunnyMeadow,

Your emojis made me laugh. It's been a heck of a week, and I think our home sale may be falling through. Then the text from SIL (one too many right now). I needed to laugh today. I appreciate the support.
For a flower to blossom, it must rise from the dirt.

Hilltop

Leave it for DH to respond if he wants.  He is after all her son.

You said your MIL has been nasty to you.  You say your SIL doesn't respond to you.  They aren't nice to you.  You don't need to be rude to them but you can and should disengage and remove yourself.

I would say do what you want to do.  If they were warm and loving you would not think twice about responding to them.  Why hurt yourself by responding to people who hurt you. 

As previously said nothing you do will make them happy, it won't make them treat you nicer, it won't do anything, so if you don't feel like it, don't do it. 

Phoenix Rising

You're not being petty at all, I can understand why you feel the way you do though. Earlier this year, MIL gave me a birthday gift after the nonsense she pulled around my birthday... I threw it in the trash. It might seem small but I felt better not keeping the gift. I deserved better treatment.

You have the right not to want to communicate with SIL and MIL if you don't want to. They have treated you badly so why stress over them? You know you are a kind, loving person.. not sending a text or calling about a birthday doesn't change that!

And here you are living despite it all..

Know this: the person who did this to you is broken. Not you... I will not watch you collapse

Adria

Hilltop,

QuoteThey aren't nice to you.  You don't need to be rude to them but you can and should disengage and remove yourself.

Thank you Hilltop.  I always feel that it doesn't matter if someone isn't nice, I should still do the right thing.  But, as you say, maybe the NEW right thing is to remove myself and disengage from this kind of nonsense.  I didn't do anything yesterday, and it made me uncomfortable all day, but today, I woke up and I feel glad that I didn't respond.  :yes:Thank you.
For a flower to blossom, it must rise from the dirt.

Adria

Phoenix,

QuoteYou know you are a kind, loving person.. not sending a text or calling about a birthday doesn't change that!

Wow! How profound! You are right. Thank you for your kind words and reminder.
For a flower to blossom, it must rise from the dirt.

Free2Bme

Hi Adria,

More important than what MIL or SIL think is how you think about yourself.  I am all about honoring our elders, modeling this for children, etc.  However, its a birthday wish, and it sounds like your relationship with in-laws is distant at best.  So, not giving this elderly MIL a personal happy birthday is not morally wrong, it's not like you are there hoping for a brick to fall on her head or something.  Its a neutral thing.

My thoughts are; give yourself permission to not participate in the birthday game, I would quietly disengage.  I like Hilltops suggestion to let DH field MIL birthday sentiments. Maybe H could send a bday card and sign for both of you just to check the box if that feels more comfortable.  I certainly wouldn't want someone to send me a birthday card if it was out of compulsion/obligation.  Whatever you decide, make sure it will sit well with you and that you'll have peace about it.


Adria

Free2Bme.

QuoteMy thoughts are; give yourself permission to not participate in the birthday game, I would quietly disengage.

Thank you Free2Bme.  That is what I did, very hard for me as it makes me feel bad. But, I think it was the right thing to do.  I think I need to change some old ways of being and start thinking more about myself instead of getting trampled and then pretending everything is okay. It has been nearly 30 years of their ill treatment towards me with them always being treated thoughtfully and kind in return.  I think approaching 60 makes you start thinking about where your energy is best spent, and I don't think it is best spent on them anymore. I guess I'm a pretty slow learner :doh:
For a flower to blossom, it must rise from the dirt.

SunnyMeadow

Adria, I'm close in age to you and this taking stock of the people in my life and what I need is the part of aging that I like!

I used to be so concerned that people liked me so I would bend over backwards to be all to all people in my life. That would mean I'd get lost in the crowd. I'd do so much for others that I would forget about myself. As I get older I see that this is the only life I get. Life is too short to waste on people who are toxic and only concerned about themselves. I haven't completely fully detached from my NPDmother but I'm so much better than I was. She sees it too and is slowly reaching out to others to get her supply.

I think it's good we're finally taking care of ourselves, dropping unhealthy relationships and nurturing the good relationships we have. Better late than never!

Adria

Thank you SunmyMeadow,

I totally agree with you.  I, probably like you, were trained as children that our needs, wishes, emotions didn't matter.  Our whole duty in life was to make our family look good at all cost, and the cost was usually our feelings and emotions.  Always keeping others going despite what it did to our health. 

After typing this post and reading everyone's replies, I have sat down and thought about all the sacrifice I've made over the years for people who didn't value me.  It's mind numbing because it has cost me a lot financially, emotionally and health wise.  Everyone else always comes first no matter what they do or how they act.  I think too, the other thing, is my boundaries are way to soft because of my upbringing, leaving me open for accepting much hurt in my life.

I'm glad you are getting a handle on your NPD mother, and that she is looking elsewhere for supply.  It must be a relief to you.  I think this is just the next step in our healing process as it seems to be like peeling an onion skin.  As each day goes by and I think about how I didn't participate in the in-laws birthday charades, I feel happier and like I've really accomplished something. Like you said, "Better late than never!" :blush:

For a flower to blossom, it must rise from the dirt.