Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships?

[Wolf]

This is not meant to insult or offend anyone, I am just genuinely trying to understand why people put up with abuse for so long, in this case, with regard to BPD. For instance, my dad has dealt with BPD behavior from my mom throughout their entire marriage. He said the reasons that he stayed with her throughout my childhood were because he didn't want her to get full custody of me as a child, and also religious reasons. I appreciate the former reason but not the latter. Anyway, I'm in my mid 20s now and they still haven't divorced. He continues to take constant verbal abuse from her that he tells me makes him want to cry. I've also seen her kick/knee him in the balls as well. And this is after he literally does 6-8 hours of chores for her every day that she refuses to do. I don't get it. She's not even physically attractive at all and they have no intimacy whatsoever. He complains about how he hates his situation all the time, never imagined this would happen to him, and how things have to change but (apparently) he's afraid to do anything to change it. I just don't get it. There's nothing in that relationship worth preserving. Why would someone waste their life like that? I feel sorry for him but at the same time have lost a lot of respect for him, because it seems like he is weak and emasculated and has no courage.

[Adria]

Hi Wolf,

I was in an abusive relationship for ten years and there were many reasons I stayed.

1. I had little babies and I was exhausted.
2. I knew he manipulated my family, so I would have no support from them.
3. I was so beaten down, I had no physical or emotional strength anymore. My doctor literally told me I was dying.
4. Too run into the ground to be able to hold a job.
5. Afraid he would come after me if I left.
6. Afraid he would take my children from me and harm them.
7. Said for better or for worse.

Once you are to a point where your health is ruined, you are at a very serious disadvantage.  And the abusers know that, so they try to destroy you emotionally, your health and finances and any supporting relationships.  That leaves you in a very weak and vulnerable position. Especially when you have little children to worry about. I had nowhere to go and no one to ask for help.  He completely isolated me from my family and friends.

I finally realized if I didn't do something I would not be here anymore, and took a leap of faith with God. I lost everything and everyone, but I did make it out with my children. If you haven't lived it, you can't understand it. It sounds like it would be so simple, but it is not.  I'm so sorry for your dad. He has been programmed to accept the abuse and probably by now knows no other way. 

[moglow]

I just want to say this - there are many kinds of courage. As I've been reminded recently by longtime friends: every one of us has their own timelines. There really are no preset limits other than those we make in our own minds.

At the base of it all, who are any of us to judge another's choices or how they find their own limits, if any? Most of us are doing the best we can with what we have. Simply put, when we know better we do better. I would think at the very least compassion is called for.

[Wolf]

Hi Wolf,

I was in an abusive relationship for ten years and there were many reasons I stayed.

1. I had little babies and I was exhausted.
2. I knew he manipulated my family, so I would have no support from them.
3. I was so beaten down, I had no physical or emotional strength anymore. My doctor literally told me I was dying.
4. Too run into the ground to be able to hold a job.
5. Afraid he would come after me if I left.
6. Afraid he would take my children from me and harm them.
7. Said for better or for worse.

Once you are to a point where your health is ruined, you are at a very serious disadvantage.  And the abusers know that, so they try to destroy you emotionally, your health and finances and any supporting relationships.  That leaves you in a very weak and vulnerable position. Especially when you have little children to worry about. I had nowhere to go and no one to ask for help.  He completely isolated me from my family and friends.

I finally realized if I didn't do something I would not be here anymore, and took a leap of faith with God. I lost everything and everyone, but I did make it out with my children. If you haven't lived it, you can't understand it. It sounds like it would be so simple, but it is not.  I'm so sorry for your dad. He has been programmed to accept the abuse and probably by now knows no other way.

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through but am very glad you made it out OK. Just reading what you read makes me angry at your abuser.

I've lived through abuse to an extent as well, but likely not to the extent you have, so in that way I guess it's hard to relate.

[Wolf]

I just want to say this - there are many kinds of courage. As I've been reminded recently by longtime friends: every one of us has their own timelines. There really are no preset limits other than those we make in our own minds.


At the base of it all, who are any of us to judge another's choices or how they find their own limits, if any? Most of us are doing the best we can with what we have. Simply put, when we know better we do better. I would think at the very least compassion is called for.

I certainly have compassion. But I'm trying to understand the behavior. I don't understand what the benefit is to staying in the relationship. And this could be a fault of my own. I have become an almost coldly rational person (perhaps as a result of dealing with BPD behavior for so long). As a result, there are many things that I don't understand. For one thing, I don't understand marriage. Why would someone sign a legally binding contract to another person, when there is no guarantee that that person will not turn on them one day? And why would someone follow a religion that controls their life and tells them that taking abuse is good ("turn the other cheek" etc.) l'm not judging it. I legitimately cannot understand it.

[Hepatica]

Hi Wolf,

I empathize so much with you. My mother has severely abused my father for years. She is so overt. She screams, she demeans him. He does nothing and most recently sent us a picture of their wedding anniversary which sickened me. He was so proud of it.

I asked him more than once over the years why he let her treat him that way and why he stayed with her and he does not answer. They are now in their 80's.

He could have left easily. He made the $$ so he wasn't dependent on her financially. He had no religious reasons. He was the more outgoing person and more involved in the community. I have no idea why he has stayed and he's vehement about his happy marriage.

It really hurts to see that he never sought help. That is just one reason I have gone NC with my parents, among many.

I do understand that with abuse, it can be something akin to an addiction. It is what they call "trauma bonding" and it seems to me that my parents are trauma bonded to each other. Neither have ever sought help.

I couldn't stand to see it anymore. I had to go NC because of the way they treat each other and then finally how my father began to treat me when I began to back away. He did not like that at all. He wanted me to step in to my mother's caregiver.

[Wolf]

Hi Wolf,

I empathize so much with you. My mother has severely abused my father for years. She is so overt. She screams, she demeans him. He does nothing and most recently sent us a picture of their wedding anniversary which sickened me. He was so proud of it.

I asked him more than once over the years why he let her treat him that way and why he stayed with her and he does not answer. They are now in their 80's.

He could have left easily. He made the $$ so he wasn't dependent on her financially. He had no religious reasons. He was the more outgoing person and more involved in the community. I have no idea why he has stayed and he's vehement about his happy marriage.

It really hurts to see that he never sought help. That is just one reason I have gone NC with my parents, among many.

I don understand that with abuse, it can be something akin to an addiction. It is what they call "trauma bonding" and it seems to me that my parents are trauma bonded to each other. Neither have ever sought help.

I couldn't stand to see it anymore. I had to go NC because of the way they treat each other and then finally how my father began to treat me when I began to back away. He did not like that at all. He wanted me to step in to my mother's caregiver.

Trauma bonding could be it. Perhaps the abuse becomes some sort of twisted sexual fetish for the victim. I'm not trying to be crude in saying this, but I feel like in the cases where there is every opportunity to leave and no actual coercion involved, it's the only reasonable explanation.

[Hepatica]

Yes, it might take on a sexual element. From my understanding there is an abuse cycle of which many of us are familiar with coming from disordered families, where there is the abuse and make up cycle. And somewhere in that cycle is the addiction. And the brain literally gets wired for the ups and downs of it. There is a withdrawal process that happens and they both get addicted to it. If one of them doesn't seek help, or get knocked out of somehow, it continues.

Also, in my father's case, he exhibits very covert NPD traits and I think the "mask" of the perfect family and his belief that he doesn't get bothered by anything because he is somehow superhuman, has kept him there. But he had no interest in protecting his children from it. My sister and my experience did not matter at all to him.

[Wolf]

Yes, it might take on a sexual element. From my understanding there is an abuse cycle of which many of us are familiar with coming from disordered families, where there is the abuse and make up cycle. And somewhere in that cycle is the addiction. And the brain literally gets wired for the ups and downs of it. There is a withdrawal process that happens and they both get addicted to it. If one of them doesn't seek help, or get knocked out of somehow, it continues.

Also, in my father's case, he exhibits very covert NPD traits and I think the "mask" of the perfect family and his belief that he doesn't get bothered by anything because he is somehow superhuman, has kept him there. But he had no interest in protecting his children from it. My sister and my experience did not matter at all to him.

I think some people can also get addicted to arguments and the adrenaline rush that goes along with it. For instance I (and I now realize this was unhealthy and unkind) used to go on the internet and argue with people about sensitive topics like religion and insult and belittle their faith. I now realize that was probably just me trying to get my fix of anger and insults and I stopped doing it though I still enjoy intelligent and calm debates.

[11JB68]

The reason we're here: Fear Obligation Guilt.
Some combination of one or two or all three of those on various levels.
Also, lots of other stuff.
When things are good or ok, you think... Well maybe this is there real them... This is ok/not so bad... Others have it much worse etc

[daughter]

Sometimes because of inertia.

Or fear of unknown, unwillingness to test one self by ending familiar life-patterns.

Or martyr-like subservience, dysfunctional, but which provides self-worth to covert npd personality.

Often, fear of triggering abuser's extreme rage and likely vengeance and punishment.

[xredshoesx]

i can tell you that as an adult child  who was stuck in the middle of a contentious divorce the fear of it getting worse if the non-PD/uPD leaves is a thing.
 
my uPD mother spent YEARS planning/extracting her revenge on my father.  it culminated with her burning down his home which caused the death of my half sibling, and because she was a planner, she was never formally charged *AND* got her share of the insurance $$  (the house was part of the unsettled portion of their original divorce degree...) and led to the state FINALLY removing me from her custody because murder...but when the investigation was closed i eventually got sent back with her.....

leaving/ staying is not a black and white issue.  the one thing i thought i learned from my parents was to not get mixed up in a romantic entanglement with someone who may be PD......but it happened anyways because as strong as i was for going through all the above, i still wasn't healthy enough to recognize and act accordingly- and spent 6 years of my life in an abusive relationship.  it's good to question and to try to understand, but also make sure in your journey you can learn from the failure of your parents relationship and the sharings of others in places like here so you don't get caught in that same no win outcome.

[Boat Babe]

 

[Sneezy]

Sometimes financial reasons have a lot to do with it.  My Dad stayed with my Mom until all of us kids were out of the house.  Even though she lied and cheated on him and was verbally abusive.  He knew that if he left we would go from barely scraping by to being poor.  And he wouldn't do that to his children.  The minute the last kid went to college, he told my mother to file for divorce (yeah, that was a thing back then - a true gentleman never filed for divorce, he allowed his wife to save face and do the filing, as if she were the wronged party).  I can understand that staying in an abusive relationship might be better than, for example, living on the street. 

[Maxtrem]

Don't be too hard on your father. A few years ago, in my country, a businesswoman wrote a book about the history of her abusive relationship with her ex-husband. He really put her through hell, he beat her almost daily, she was raped, a lot of manipulation and psychological abuse. On top of that, this man is ugly and he's an alcoholic drug addict who never worked. Many people have asked themselves this question after reading his book. Why did such an intelligent, beautiful and rich woman stay married to such a man for many years. A psychiatrist answered the question, because abusers succeed in dehumanizing their victims. Once the abuse has set in, the victim is already a shadow of her former self.   

And the only reason she left her ex-husband is that the last time he beat her, he almost killed her, and police officers passing by heard screams and saved her.

[Hepatica]

It's true what you're saying Maxtrem. The abuser can whittle down the person's sense of self, quickly or over time.

I was saved by a police officer woman when I was in my early 20's by her very short warning to me. The abuser I was with had broken into my house and I had to call the police. She arrived and I could tell she was so angry at the guy. They took him away and then she looked at me and she said: Do you know how many women I see destroyed by guys like this? Don't ever let him near you again.

I listened to her. Luckily I had mostly extracted myself from the relationship by that point, but had made the mistake of talking to him the day before he broke in. I immediately got a restraining order and heeded her words.

I have friends though, one amazing friend who stayed with her abuser. She is a shell of her former self. She could leave at any time, but his manipulation, his push, pull, his "I'll be better", the ups and the downs. She's stayed. She was the most popular girl in highschool and she's entirely broken now. I still wonder why she doesn't leave. She has a full time job and could leave, but she doesn't. It's like she's in a mind trap.

There is a fantastic website resource for people stuck in relationships that are toxic. Sandra L. Brown is an expert on what happens to the brain in abusive relationships.

https://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/

[Spring Butterfly]

This might help

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=14130.0

[Blueberry Pancakes]

This is an interesting question with some great replies posted here. I ponder that question about my sister's marriage. I also  wondered about myself when I had a boyfriend whose parents were in an abusive relationship and I never understood why such a lovely woman stayed.  I could see my boyfriend start to act like his dad, and I did eventually break it off.  At the time, his mother was a model of what I never wanted to become and I was running away from that. I still think I could have easily married him, and am still so happy I got out when I did.   
             
I wondered what is the difference between me and my sister? Why did I cut bait after two years while my sister has stayed married to a man for 25 years who is routinely condescending, restricts access to bank accounts, slaps her around during arguments and points guns at her. Even with guns literally being pointed at my sister she says she does not see it as abusive.

Sometimes I think it is the family we grew up in and how boundaries were modeled. My Nmom henpecked my EnDad to the point he does not put on a pair of socks without asking her if it matches. He would sometimes comment that he was "a saint for putting up with her" as though it was a good thing or he was being strong for tolerating it.         
       

[IRedW77]

Wow, Wolf some of the attitudes you’ve developed are shockingly similar to mine. Or at least I think they might be.

Up front, I think your BPD mom likely damaged you worse than you may realize. If you’re not in therapy I’d recommend it. I wish someone had pushed me towards therapy in my mid 20’s.

“I don't understand what the benefit is to staying in the relationship.“

It’s the devil you know versus the devil you don’t. Can you imagine how scary everything would be if you suddenly gave up the life you’d led for longer than you Wolf have been alive? Dating, housing, not to mention your mom’s revenge.

Also, how much damage did your mom do to you in 18 odd years and how did that change you? He’s been taking damage for much longer.

“I feel like in the cases where there is every opportunity to leave and no actual coercion involved, it's the only reasonable explanation.”

I don’t know if you’re suggesting your dad experiences no coercion or not. In case you are: BPD’s are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to keep their parter around. I guarantee he’s experienced coercion at any whiff of him leaving.

You said your dad stayed to keep your mom from getting full custody of you. I doubt that your life or a lot of his life would  have been any better if he’d left.

My dad did divorce my BPD mom when I was 5.  When she saw the end of their marriage looming she made a suicide attempt. I got to witness it at 4 years old. This is apparently a common behavior for BPD’s in this situation. Anything to get them back—it’s not an attempt meant to succeed.

I got the trauma of that and other experiences and of the divorce itself.

My mom got primary custody of me. I got to take care of my mom alone 5 days a week instead of him. Dad tried and tried to get me out, but no matter what he could demonstrate about her in court the judge said “a child belongs with his mother.” So he got to watch powerlessly from the sidelines.

Also, my dad was out, but he wasn’t really out. He still had to deal with my mom all the time for 13 more years because of me. She’d use me as leverage and to get back at him. She’d use anything and everything to hurt him. She got him arrested when he couldn’t pay enough child support and at 6 or so I got to watch that too. He still did everything for me and she did nothing, so he wasn’t better off.

My BPD mom did a lot of damage to me and I was all alone for most of it with no one there to protect me.

You know your story, so you can compare. Bad is bad, and degree doesn’t matter, but the grass is not any greener over here.

“I have become an almost coldly rational person (perhaps as a result of dealing with BPD behavior for so long).”



“For one thing, I don't understand marriage. Why would someone sign a legally binding contract to another person, when there is no guarantee that that person will not turn on them one day?”

As a child of divorce and everything else I really had to wrestle with the concept of marriage.

I think that committed is committed, married or not. Why would anyone ever trust anyone not to turn on them enough to even be in the relationship in the first place?

The marriage does make the practicalities messier if someone wants to leave, but leaving is still really messy.

I got married when I decided I was ready to have kids. That’s how I justified it. It only makes sense if you’re planning to have kids or if there’s some other legal reason. I decided it’s just easier in some ways, and shared kids are more of a bond than marriage will ever be.

“And why would someone follow a religion that controls their life and tells them that taking abuse is good ("turn the other cheek" etc.) l'm not judging it. I legitimately cannot understand it.”

I don’t understand it either. I’d actually love to have a longer talk about this specifically.

Please don’t anyone get mad with my view of religion. I’m only speaking for myself and my feelings. I’m not trying to offend anyone with my strong views.

This is an offensive trigger warning:

I have huge angry issues with religion (and I wasn’t raised with it). I consider raising your kids in a religion to be a form of child abuse. You’re controlling an important part of your child’s reality from birth.

If I’d had the internet you did I’d have probably done exactly what you did. I don’t think it’s necessarily an anger fix, or not one in the way you described.

I think religion represents my BPDm in some way for me. In religion someone messes with your reality from birth, which is exactly what a BPD does. You cannot shake a BPD’s irrational faith in things no matter how much reason you throw at them. I think religious faith is just like BPD faith. You can’t understand how they can believe so strongly in something that’s so obviously untrue to you.

If you brought someone in and showed them your BPDm’s beliefs and the evidence against them they’d side with you. Religion is almost worse because the majority of the world doesn’t side with you, AND you’re required to respect that.

I see someone religious and I just want to fix them. I can’t fix them anymore than my BPDm. It’s so frustrating!

I don’t get constant literal reminders of BPDm everywhere I go, but religion is a pervasive and omnipresent unconscious reminder and it makes me angry that I have to deal with it and respect it.

I realize that’s not a remotely typical viewpoint, and again I apologize if anyone is offended.

[Kiki81]

The scenario of abusive person--->victim relationships is relevant if you are one of those two people. You are the authority on you, and self-awareness and self-control are what good therapy help one to achieve.