The grief and pain of the Mother wound

[Lilyloo]

Hi Everyone!  I haven't been here in awhile.  I have posted about my Mother many times.  The wound I feel, the void, the pain has reared it's ugly head again.   I knew from age 10 she was very mentally ill.  My dad died at age 44.  I believe now she drove him to an early death. I almost feel I'm living in his body and can sense the pain emotionally she inflicted on him.

She is 84 now and homeless. She sold her home to her grandson 2 years ago.  She was in line for a nice apartment in town close to stores, post office, etc.. That was the deal, she stays in her home until the apartment came thru.  It did come thru, tho it didn't go well. She got called in by the landlord. Its a complex for  the elderly, with 5 small apartments side by side.  My mother trashed one of the tenants, not directly, but by going into town and telling people how bad this person was.  Whoever she told reported it to the landlord. So by running her mouth as she has done her entire life she lost the apartment.

This left her grandson who just got married wanting the house he had bought from her.  He has every right, she messed up. She is moving in with my golden child brother. That relationship is so messed up. He is alone, an alcoholic, who has had two strokes in three months.  Yet he still drinks.  There were four of us. My oldest brother died 3 years ago.  I'm the only daughter. I made it clear years ago to my brothers, she could not come to live with us.   My husband has witnessed her rages and I'd never do that to him.

Stepdad who has dementia went to live with his son and his wife, Wow did the trouble start. Immediately my mother was telling people they were not taking care of him. This is so not true.  My step brother has had many rounds with my mother over the years. They hired a helper as they both work part time. They ask for step dads veterans check to pay the helper. It's hard on them money wise.  Mother sent them a letter demanding where every penny went.  Its been nasty.

She has bashed each of us in some way or other for years.  The boys take her crap. I don't but emotionally it has broken my spirit.  I tell her I'll be off email for lets say a month. This is often when she has sent a book length email on her pitiful life.  My life means nothing. We have been thru court recently to help our daughter gain custody of her 4 and 2 year olds. Very stressful stuff!  My mother knows  about this yet when I told her a few details, very few!, she did not even acknowledge it. She went into a rant on her poor old self. Also on poor old golden child. How they need each other. LOL! They sure do as they are like each other in every way.  I felt like the air had been kicked out of me. She pretends to care by asking like shes concerned,  only to gain my attention, then kicks me in gut by ignoring.

I'm sorry this is long. I have such a wound that I do not know how to heal. She says love you but I feel none. Its a dark deep wound. She is a raging pity party. I've tried for so long to heal.  My brothers know what she is but still have some connection, tho it may be sick in ways, and they dont get my pain. One says "take it with a grain of salt"  What!!!  I guess daughters hurt more. I feel this thru my body, with neck pain, headaches, just overall feelings of weakness. I know 100% this is how my dad felt.  I have blocked her because she does not respect my boundaries. I tell her I'm taking a break. She sends email saying "I know you said you weren't on email, but are you here??  OMG!!  If I say I'm taking time away she goes "Ok, well I didn't want to talk anyway"  after bombarding me with  non stop about her. Gaslighting, manipulation,  triangulation, no empathy.....all of it is there plain as day. I know it, I'm educated about it, but the pain remains

I'm just venting. I must or I will lose it. I know this is familiar here.  I know your mothers are the same. I feel guilt because I have no feelings for her. I want her to leave me alone. How can one feel anything when one is just used

I Thank You for listening to this long rant.  I don't know any other way than to talk about it

[SunnyMeadow]

I understand LindaLoo. I have many wounds too. Their actions go against what the word Mother stands for.

I also get the Me, Me, ME!! emails. Talk about instant anxiety when I see the long letters of doom from her. Vent away! I feel we all learn from each other and venting is so important to healing. Getting it out and getting validation is what makes this site so important to me.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you so very much Sunny Meadow. 

[Hepatica]

Hi LindaLoo,

Thank you for sharing. I know how much pain you must be in. I have two elderly parents and a big feeling of loss around them.

I know what you mean about the physical aspect of the grief as well. My neck and back and headaches get so bad when I re-visit trauma or even when things happen in the general world lately. This week has been really hard. Lots of physical aches.

I relate to your sadness around your mother. When my mother went into hospital a few years ago, a nurse took me aside and said that something was wrong with her behaviour. My mother was continually creating havoc. She was unable to manage her feelings and screamed and yelled and swore and cried and could not self-soothe. It was terrible and everytime I went in to visit her I left exhausted and afraid.

I could not take it with a "grain of salt" and that is when my sister and I really parted ways. She gaslit my feelings the entire time my mother was in hospital. She said it didn't bother her. Meanwhile she sent other people to visit my mom, complaining of her migraines. She tried to schedule me to visit when she wouldn't visit due to her health problems. She tried to tell me my feelings of sadness and fear around my mother were weaknesses in me and that if I'd just forgive my mother I'd be strong like her. It was the ultimate betrayal. I cannot talk to my sister now. She tried so hard to manipulate me and disregard the shaking up of the old trauma i was experiencing.

Please be kind to yourself. The mother wound is vast. The only way I've found to feel better is to re-mother myself emotionally and talk about these things here on this forum. I should say therapy has helped to model to me self-compassion. But the truth is, i don't think i've even come close to filling the void of what I lost due to my mother's disordered behaviour as I was growing up. It will be a life long thing for me.

I'm sorry that you've lost as well. I have no feelings of wanting to help my mother anymore. I just stand back at a distance now and occasionally feel despair when I think of her. Much of the time I feel nothing. At least that is better than despair. Somewhere along the way much feeling got stuffed somewhere for survival sake. That is so hard and I understand. Sending you a big  from another one in the motherless club that no one wants to be in. It's so so hard but I hope my words let you know, it's not your fault and you are not alone. Also, that what your brother says is wrong. You cannot take this kind of wound with a grain of salt, when trauma is involved.

[Lilyloo]

Hepatica,  Thank you so much!  I feel your pain.  I often just shake my head at it all, and can't process the things that go on.  Your sister sounds like my siblings.  I'm sorry she hurt you.  Why do they not feel the wound also. My brothers both use alcohol to hide the pain. At least that's my opinion.   We shouldn't ever have to feel exhausted and afraid after a visit. This is toxic stuff. I am afraid and often feel panicky around her. Isn't it sad that a mother can cause us to feel afraid😨  I am in survival mode now.   We all are.  Thank you again. You truly helped me so much.   

[Duck]

I think sometimes siblings feel the pain but react to it in different ways. Sometimes, they are in denial. They could also have their own mental issues. Both your brothers and Hepatica's sister sound like they haven't processed very much. It is likely your brothers are hiding from pain in their alcoholism.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you Duck. You are exactly right! 

[Lilyloo]

I'm sorry my post was long. I truly just needed feedback and maybe i was looking for someone, anyone to care. I thank those who helped me. Im so sad with my mother issue 

[Jolie40]

I'm sorry my post was long.

write as much as you want!

so sorry you're having to deal with so much...
be good to yourself, LindaLoo

[Lilyloo]

Jolie40. Thank you so very much.  HUGS

[moglow]

Note to LindaLoo:  Stop apologizing. We get it and you don't owe anyone apologies for how you feel or what needs to get out so you can put it down.

I also have a deep visceral response to contact with mommie dearest. It varies, but almost invariably there will be a violent gut response at some point in time, something I rarely experience otherwise. And the headaches, Lord have mercy, the headaches. Been there, sister. I'm much better at shutting off and away from her but it took a long time and a lot of practice to get here. And I still allow it sometimes.

Be clear on this for yourself - NO ONE can make you feel inferior without your consent [Eleanor Roosevelt]. And honestly, no one is harder on us than we are, and that's something we have to keep working on. Fear Obligation and Guilt make up the FOG we live in. It takes a long time and a lot of work to undo them. I occasionally feel guilty now, but I can usually quickly remind myself of the realities. Plus I have a few close trusted people who help turn me around. Once I started talking about it, I found out more saw and heard things than I realized - I really wasnt alone in it anymore. The obligation is a bugger for me, has always been. Sometimes I can conquer it, other times not so much.

Hang in there - and post as much as you need.  We got you.

[Lilyloo]

moglow,  Thank you!  I know I apologize too much. I hate it. I really appreciate what you say. I've done it all my life I think to just keep peace.  I thought I was Out of the FOG. It seems I'm not and far from it,

I had a couple friends I could go to., but not now.  One has moved away and has her own problems, so I don't bother her.  The other, well....it's hard to even make this seem sensible, but anytime I talked about the mean things my mother does and says, my friend  acted uncomfortable and immediately started to tell me how she had visited her mother each Sunday, takes her her favorite foods, etc. It only made me feel more guilt and I did not understand why she did that.

I don't have anyone now, my family just say "don't let her get to you"  or "have nothing to do with her"  They don't understand. My brother who died was the one who understood.

I'm sorry you suffer the headaches  It's stress of the worst kind that cause them.  I so appreciate your reply

[SunnyMeadow]

LindaLoo,

I don't have anyone (besides my husband) that I can talk to about this stuff either. That's why I'm here all the time!  My husband understands that my uNPD mother is a mean and terrible woman, always has been. I'm not sure that he fully understands it being a personality disorder. I get it because it seems so odd that someone doesn't follow the normal way of having relationships. Heck, it took me to be in my late 40's before I truly saw that she is disordered.

The part about your friend, how invalidating!! I can't imagine doing that to a friend. Sadly it sounds like she has her own issues.

I come here to read experiences and how people are handling them so I can use the ideas to deal with my own life. So please don't apologize for a long post, content is needed most of the time so I can can get the full story. Post all you want. I have the same deep dark wound as you. Like you, I'm dealing with this day by day. I appreciate reading your posts.

[moglow]

Hey - I just wanted to add something for you. I stopped repeating the I love yous to mother years ago. I don't know if she noticed or maybe she did, but she's stopped saying it as well. I'm not altogether sure mother has any clue what love is, and honestly sometimes I wonder same about myself. But I do know that what I feel for her isn't love. I feel the same compassion I feel for any tormented soul on the planet. I don't wish her ill [I think she's brought quite enough of that on herself and others over the years]. But neither do I have any desire to try and fill that void that surely resides in her. Mother's got a great big aching black hole of need that I just cannot find my way around. I practice avoidance, try to find compassion for her and myself, and keep on truckin'.

In my mind the pain you speak of is very much a grieving process - grieving for what I/we never really had, grieving for that little girl inside who wanted mother's love and care so much. And yes, I grieve that she's thrown away so much through her treatment of others. When mother is gone, I don't know that I will grieve *for her*. I'm realizing that not only do I not really know her, I'm not sure she has a clue herself.

[Lilyloo]

SunnyMeadow, I posted a reply to you but I don't see it here.  Here I go again. I wanted to say that I am so glad your husband understands. That is so important to feel someone does. Mine is like yours, he sees how mean my mother is, he's witnessed her angry outbursts, but like yours I do not think he understands about the disorder. He's not one to read and research like I do. Plus he had a sweet mother. Thank you for saying my post was ok, not to long. I even tried to delete it.  This forum is amazing. I so appreciate you I am so sorry you deal with this too.

[Lilyloo]

moglow, It sure is a deep dark aching hole of need inside our mothers. I'm not sure they have a clue either.  I guess there's a reason. Mine never talked about it. She just expects others to fill it.  I'm exhausted from trying. I'm 67 now, shes 84.  I'm no longer young and I just couldn't take the stress. I think we are trying to find ourselves now. It is grief. I wanted to have a good relationship. So many of us here feel that grief. Avoidance is what I'm doing too. She hates it. I got a lashing yesterday because I don't want any stuff shes clearing out of her house. Shamed me because some is my late grandmas. It was a mean message. I have grandmas table and dishes. Just because I said I had no room she ripped into me. Yes I cried. I haven't learned how not to. You understand the pain. I'm sure every person here knows the pain......but, life goes on, we deserve some joy. Thank you again and 

[moglow]

Sharing a flash of funny:  Years ago for reasons I'm still not clear, mother was moving into a trailer on brother #2 property [she moved back into her house within a year]. Part of this move entailed removing furniture she would have no room for - one was a pretty little lift-top desk I'd always hoped to have one day. We were forbidden to use this desk growing up, told that we might damage it in some way.

Anyhoo, she offered the desk to me and I happily accepted [found a large spot of water damage on the top - so much for US messing it up!] My brother brought it to me and we actually had a good laugh over the damage, that was easily repaired. I of course immediately put the desk to use, it's become my mini-home office and I use it daily. She actually asked for it back when she moved. NOPE! I didn't even respond to that one.

But my little funny? I refer to it as the fuck you desk. As in fuck you, it's MY desk and I'll use it all I want to!!! [she HATES it when I use that word, which makes it that much better for me]. Petty mo, yes, but it helps me get through. 

[blacksheep7]

Sharing a flash of funny:  Years ago for reasons I'm still not clear, mother was moving into a trailer on brother #2 property [she moved back into her house within a year]. Part of this move entailed removing furniture she would have no room for - one was a pretty little lift-top desk I'd always hoped to have one day. We were forbidden to use this desk growing up, told that we might damage it in some way.

Anyhoo, she offered the desk to me and I happily accepted [found a large spot of water damage on the top - so much for US messing it up!] My brother brought it to me and we actually had a good laugh over the damage, that was easily repaired. I of course immediately put the desk to use, it's become my mini-home office and I use it daily. She actually asked for it back when she moved. NOPE! I didn't even respond to that one.

But my little funny? I refer to it as the fuck you desk. As in fuck you, it's MY desk and I'll use it all I want to!!! [she HATES it when I use that word, which makes it that much better for me]. Petty mo, yes, but it helps me get through. 

[SunnyMeadow]

But my little funny? I refer to it as the fuck you desk. As in fuck you, it's MY desk and I'll use it all I want to!!! [she HATES it when I use that word, which makes it that much better for me]. Petty mo, yes, but it helps me get through. 

Oh, that's good mo! 

[Lilyloo]

☺funny one moglow