New member and grateful

[seniharac]

Greetings, all! I'm a female in my mid-40's who has spent the majority of my adulthood questioning, healing, growing, endeavoring to better understand myself and my relationships. I know my father has a personality disorder, I'm just not sure which one. Possibly Avoidant PD with aspects of Paranoid PD. He certainly would not submit himself to examination, so it's unlikely I can do better than an amateur diagnosis. His sister was diagnosed secondhand by a counselor as a Sociopath, and I hands-down agree. This is relevant because I'm now the executor of my grandmother's estate, they are the heirs, and they don't speak to each other. And I have to deal with them and their business. In keeping with published advice on dealing with sociopaths, I have avoided communicating with her or giving her any information unless it's absolutely necessary, and so far, so good. My father, however, has cancer and I'm in the situation of wanting to spend what time he has left with him, in addition to fulfilling my fiduciary obligations and helping preserve the family estate (ranch land that's been in the family for 4 generations, cash assets, etc) for each of them. I am also, selfishly and rightfully so, trying to protect myself from inheriting a bigger mess later. I have done a pretty good job of navigating things so far, but it's beginning to take a toll. I find myself becoming more negative, depleted, and backsliding into more anger and feelings of victimhood to which my father is prone (apparently this is called "getting fleas" which I just learned today). It's difficult with my dad because he is also sweet, and he loves me as much as he's able to love. He adores me. But it seems like the more I help, the more he's resentful. I'm smart enough to know it's not personal, but it's still hurtful. And he's just plain toxic to be around, even when it's not directed at me. It's an almost constant barrage of negativity, rumination, verbal abuse of my stepmom, blaming and victimhood mentality. My role as executor is playing into my need/desire to fix/help, fueling my own tendency toward perfectionism to control ugly situations. I can feel myself becoming more rigid, which seems to be manifesting in physical pain. I have the belief that there are usually solutions available in these situations, that there are ways of being and communicating that can sooth and sometimes even transform the people in them. I do believe that's possible, but it may not be worth the cost to me in getting there. However, if there are ways for me to grow and learn, I want to find them.

I recently came across an article about a study that identifies a new stable personality construct called Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood (TIV), and it describes him with such precision that I kept wanting to insert his picture into the article! (I subsequently paid to download the study from the online journal ScienceDirect). TIV is defined as "an enduring feeling that the self is a victim across different kinds of interpersonal relationships," and is identified by a person's 1) need for recognition especially of their victimization, 2) moral elitism, 3) lack of empathy, and 4) rumination. It's the first time I've been able to tick off every single descriptor and say, "That's my father!" I realize TIV is not actually a recognized PD, but I'm curious if anyone here is familiar with it? If so, do you have thoughts on where it might fit within the PD's listed on this site?

I want to focus on best practices for maintaining my own mental health and well-being first and foremost, doing no harm, and creating the best possible outcome for all concerned whenever possible. I know there must be ways for interacting with him that protect me, and allow me to do what I need to do without causing harm to myself or to him. I do not need to have an ongoing relationship with my aunt. I only need to get through this estate business and I will have no problem with NC beyond that. Even with her, I endeavor to do no harm. Granted, I have no control over whether either of them feels like they've been harmed or not.

I realize this is a rather long and rambling introduction! Thanks in advance for taking time to read. I've read through the resources in the toolbox and will revisit it again. It would be nice to hear from anyone who sees something specific in this account that is a blindspot for me, or who has insight gained from their own experiences. I would likely benefit from a good therapist, but until I locate that person, I am grateful to have found this site!

[Janeite V]

Seniharac, glad to see you are being so proactive in protecting yourself while you manage the estate. It's great that you recognise that you cannot control whether or not your father or aunt feel harmed by you regardless of how carefully you tread.

This website focuses much more on PD traits as opposed to diagnoses. However, though I have never encountered the term 'TIV' I can see some similarities with covert narcissism, or deflated narcissism. Such narcissists take on a victim mentality because they feel like they have not gotten their dues in life. Given the narcissist's inflated sense of entitlement, it is very easy for them to feel this way.

Regardless of possible diagnosis or lack thereof, some people blame others in an attempt to explain away their turbulent, confusing emotional states, rather than facing with them head-on. When the other person corrects the behaviour that was allegedly causing their distress, they will simply find some other explanation outside of themselves, and it will go on and on no matter how hard others around them try.

You mentioned that you felt like there was often a solution that would transform the people within an interaction. Given that you are already somatizing this huge burden on your shoulders, it sounds like you might be at risk of "setting yourself on fire to keep another person warm" as is a popular phrase here!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You seem to have great insight and you have read the Toolbox. Are you implementing the strategies?
In addition, what helped me a great deal was my mantra - observe, don't absorb - emotionally distancing myself and just observing the drama of the other person,  like I would a soap opera. With interest but not something that touched my own life.
As you already notice a physical toll on you,  what can you do to alleviate that?  Sports? Physio?
I also found that having my say clearly made me feel better. It did not change the behaviour of the other.  Ultimately,  you are the judge of your actions.  You want to do what makes you think of yourself as a good person.

[Astral_Ninja]

Hello and welcome

[seniharac]

You mentioned that you felt like there was often a solution that would transform the people within an interaction. Given that you are already somatizing this huge burden on your shoulders, it sounds like you might be at risk of "setting yourself on fire to keep another person warm" as is a popular phrase here!

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, Janeite V. I very much appreciate your insight. Given that I was triggered at your suggestion that I'm "setting myself on fire to keep another person warm," it is apparently a truth I needed to hear. It fascinates me that I can know something at a logical, conscious level, and yet be so deeply programmed in a pattern of thought/behavior that it's virtually invisible to me. I know when I'm triggered like that, there must be a juicy nugget of self awareness waiting to pop open and a shift is about to happen. In the past couple weeks, the discomfort of holding these old blind-spot patterns of trying to fix what's not mine to fix, of trying to love someone into well-being, of trying to be good and perfect enough for my father to give me that validation and love he's not even able to give himself...has become far greater than I'm willing to endure any longer. Finding this site, other sites and resources, lots of journaling, tears, grief and anger, reaching out, and scheduling an appointment with a highly recommended therapist for later this week...and also receiving so much love for my birthday over the weekend from many, many beloved friends and family...well, I'm just ready to shed those old patterns and replace them with healthier ones. It feels like "enough is enough!" I'm in a sort of "slash and burn" mode. I'm feeling fed up, and I just need a little support and help focusing on the moment-to-moment, day-to-day discipline to make this shift. Making up my mind that I am no longer willing to "set myself on fire" as you say, to hold myself back or self-sabotage in order to keep from making my father or anyone else feel inferior (NOT my concern)...making up my mind has already begun to release a lot of the tension and pain that's been showing up in my body.

Welcome! You seem to have great insight and you have read the Toolbox. Are you implementing the strategies?
In addition, what helped me a great deal was my mantra - observe, don't absorb.
You want to do what makes you think of yourself as a good person.

Thank you, notrightinthehead, for your response as well! I loved everything you said. I have explored the Toolbox a bit more since I first posted and discovered that there is a great deal more information there than first glance. I did not realize there was a full page link for just about every term...tremendous amount of helpful information! I am still exploring and will be referencing some of this with the therapist I have my first appointment with this week. I also like your suggestion for mantra...I'm looking for a mantra that feels true enough that I'm not in resistance when I say it and is most beneficial to me at this point. "Observe, don't absorb," is very close to it. And I like your statement, "You want to do what makes you think of yourself as a good person." I spend FAR TOO MUCH time and energy thinking about how others will perceive me or how I might "make them feel." This simple sentence helps me a lot in shifting out of that in the moments I can catch myself.

I so appreciate the resources on this site, including this forum. Thank you all for reading and responding!

[Boat Babe]

Welcome to the forum Seniharac. From your posts, it's very clear that you are a super capable person (many of us are, developing this useful survival trait early on in childhood due to our disordered parent(s). It's great being the strong one, till it isn't. 

In addition to all the excellent advice above, please consider doubling your self care work as you navigate the complexities and the logistics of the inheritance. Be really really kind to yourself. I find the Mindful Selfcompassion work of Dr. Kristine Neff to be incredibly beneficial for balancing my inner feelings and self talk. Very gentle but very powerful.

I am at a stage of being comfortable in my skin as the French say (sounds better in French.)  but it has been the work of a lifetime (in fits and starts!). I score 4 on the Ace scale, have had some pretty doomed relationships (inc 2 abusive PDs and a heroin user), my only child had leukemia when he was 4 (he's 24 now ❤️) and my elderly mother is a Full Metal Waif (thank you WI). I am in a place that was unimaginable when I was a young adult. I feel very lucky that I found the resources, internal and external to cope and grow. Lucky that I wasn't so damaged that I couldn't see the need to do this work.  You too have everything you need to greatly improved your inner, and by extension, your outer life. Lots of people here doing the same thing. I find this forum astonishing. Best place on the internet!!!

My mantra is "Not my circus, not my monkey's." That also sounds better in French. Pas mon cirque, pas mes singes."

See you around.

[seniharac]

In addition to all the excellent advice above, please consider doubling your self care work as you navigate the complexities and the logistics of the inheritance. Be really really kind to yourself. I find the Mindful Selfcompassion work of Dr. Kristine Neff to be incredibly beneficial for balancing my inner feelings and self talk. Very gentle but very powerful.

I am at a stage of being comfortable in my skin as the French say (sounds better in French.)  but it has been the work of a lifetime (in fits and starts!). I score 4 on the Ace scale, have had some pretty doomed relationships (inc 2 abusive PDs and a heroin user), my only child had leukemia when he was 4 (he's 24 now ❤️) and my elderly mother is a Full Metal Waif (thank you WI). I am in a place that was unimaginable when I was a young adult. I feel very lucky that I found the resources, internal and external to cope and grow. Lucky that I wasn't so damaged that I couldn't see the need to do this work.  You too have everything you need to greatly improved your inner, and by extension, your outer life. Lots of people here doing the same thing. I find this forum astonishing. Best place on the internet!!!

My mantra is "Not my circus, not my monkey's." That also sounds better in French. Pas mon cirque, pas mes singes."

See you around.

Thank you, Boat Babe, for your thoughtful response. I honestly did not know what an ACE score was, so I educated myself. I took the quiz, and I would be a solid 3, possibly a 4 as my parents were pretty much separated my senior year and divorced not long after I graduated and left home. Thanks for that. I also confess, I have no idea what a "Full Metal Waif" is. I tried looking it up, but I didn't have much luck. Feeling a little out of the loop! I appreciate you sharing some of your journey, your mantra, and your words of encouragement. I'm at a point now that I recognize I have a great deal of support, and I have full confidence in my ability to work through whatever I find as the layers continue to peel away. I'm fortunate, and I'm grateful. I too am impressed with this forum and the resources on Out of the FOG. It's a brilliant format. Thank you again, and I wish you continued expansion.

[Boat Babe]

Full metal Waif was coined by a member (Woman interrupted) to describe the waify BPD person on steroids. Sadly WI died very recently and we all miss her. Check out her brilliant posts: wise, to the point and very, very funny.