The BUS STOP analogy that helps you deal with trauma (it helped me)

Started by MarlenaEve, February 17, 2021, 12:56:12 PM

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MarlenaEve

Hi guys.

I just wanted to share something really helpful that made me reframe the entire experience with my PD parents. I am a spiritual person so I agree with the idea that we chose our parents and all the experiences we have here on earth. This feels much better than the belief that something really terrible has been done to us and we are forever victims.

Of course, take this with a grain of salt. If this doesn't make you feel good, don't listen to it. Do what's best for you-forgive your PD parents or don't forgive them. The important thing is to do what feels good and OK to you as you are now.
I'd also encourage you to listen to this if you're close to NC or have already gone NC with your FOO.

The Youtube video is called 'How the bus stop reframes your position in life.' by Dr. Sue Morter
xoxo
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

BettyGray


Hilltop

Thanks, I did check this out and like the re-phrasing of not why is this happening to me but what can I get out of this, what can I learn from this, I like the "why is this happening for me".

I say that because it seems like the issues with both my FOO and inlaws, the lessons I am suppose to be learning are the same.  Re-phrasing it means I get something out of it rather than it simply happening to me.

Kitbit

Just adding my thoughts. I watched the video and wanted to add a comment about the spiritual perspective. I have found that saying we choose everything on our earthly journey can be damaging. Another way to look at it is that we choose to come here, and if there is abuse that comes with the deal there is a conversation about it ahead of time so that there is awareness about what is being agreed to. I saw this on a medium's page and it made sense to me. I worry sometimes about layering guilt onto people who have already suffered so much: guilt that we chose this abuse suffering whether that be because of karma or a growing experience. Just another way to frame it. I feel like I came here for certain reasons which have nothing to do with the abuse. The abuse can either overwhelm me or I can learn more to escape and avoid it. It was part of the deal but I sometimes wonder if I was a bit foolhardy accepting this bargain! 😉

Hepatica

I think the theory that we choose everything before we arrive here on earth is risky and dangerous and manipulative and really big opening for self-blame.

It can also keep the same people in power who are not worthy of powerful positions, if one imagines everything is pre-chosen.

I choose to allow myself to accept I cannot know the reasons for anything until at some point it is revealed to me, most likely after death.

In the meantime I accept that some bad things happened to me and I work hard to make sure I don't load that pain onto other people, including myself.

And there are times, in my choosing where I have taken a very hard road, by choosing to hold an abuser accountable, as I am doing now, by going NC with my parents who chose to use this life to hurt me on purpose, or inadvertently, without realizing it. I hold them accountable for their actions in the re-action of choosing not to have a relationship with them. That is a fair natural consequence for a childhood of mistreatment from them that unfortunately continued into my later years.

Life just isn't always easy for everyone and if I can salvage joy and contentment and give love to others, even after these challenges, then I will have lived a good life.

If this belief system you share has helped you in some way though, I respect your choices.

For me, it doesn't sit right.
"There is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there's
still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where
there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

Hilltop

Hepatica I agree with what you have written.  I ignored the second half of the video as it wasn't my thing however I didn't mind the beginning.

I can see how depending on what you are going through it may be a little harsh to think "why is this happening for me".  Some of the things I've read here, the answer is that it shouldn't be happening at all, there doesn't seem to be anything to gain from it except a whole heap of hurt,  so it's definitely not for everyone.

I'm at a point of thinking "how can I learn to handle this" when my FOO are being passive aggressive or insulting and if I do find a way to lessen the impact of that type of behaviour I'll be able to use those skills elsewhere in my life as well say with co-workers I may come across.  So that's the part I got out of the video.


BrightMoon

"I think the theory that we choose everything before we arrive here on earth is risky and dangerous and manipulative and really big opening for self-blame."

Couldnt agree more. I find this pretty disgusting and its fine to say 'its not for everyone' when suggesting things but some stuff is downright offensive.

moglow

Quote from: HepaticaI think the theory that we choose everything before we arrive here on earth is risky and dangerous and manipulative and really big opening for self-blame.

It can also keep the same people in power who are not worthy of powerful positions, if one imagines everything is pre-chosen.

I choose to allow myself to accept I cannot know the reasons for anything until at some point it is revealed to me, most likely after death.

In the meantime I accept that some bad things happened to me and I work hard to make sure I don't load that pain onto other people, including myself.

And there are times, in my choosing where I have taken a very hard road, by choosing to hold an abuser accountable, as I am doing now, by going NC with my parents who chose to use this life to hurt me on purpose, or inadvertently, without realizing it. I hold them accountable for their actions in the re-action of choosing not to have a relationship with them. That is a fair natural consequence for a childhood of mistreatment from them that unfortunately continued into my later years.

Life just isn't always easy for everyone and if I can salvage joy and contentment and give love to others, even after these challenges, then I will have lived a good life.

If this belief system you share has helped you in some way though, I respect your choices.

For me, it doesn't sit right.

Thank you for that breakdown, Hepatica. I get you.

I personally don't subscribe to the belief that anyone is a "forever victim." Honestly I could see mommie dearest espousing that belief - she's said too many times how this that and the other thing "happened to her" or she professed to being attacked when someone simply stated a differing viewpoint. Um what?? You had no choices? You couldn't stop, step away, take a good deep breath and rethink things once that fresh oxygen hit your overwrought brain?? Other people must be in lock step with you or they're a villain? No ma'am.

Yes, some unimaginable and deeply hurtful things have happened to many/most of us, but did we choose that? I don't believe that, while I do believe some much needed life lessons came with that abuse - lessons that some [hello mother!] seem to have bypassed. I can see being a victim in that I've been through some godawful things completely beyond my control, BUT I also didn't choose to shut it off when I should have. But that was an intentional choice on my part, me thinking I could somehow persevere and make it right even if only in some small corner of mother's mind. That doesn't make me a victim per se, but another human being exercising free choice - and I admittedly made bad ones.
Just my $.04 for today.  :bigwink:
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"Expectations are disappointments under construction." ~Capn Spanky, The Nook circa 2005ish

MarlenaEve

Quote from: Kitbit on February 23, 2021, 03:19:34 PM
Just adding my thoughts. I watched the video and wanted to add a comment about the spiritual perspective. I have found that saying we choose everything on our earthly journey can be damaging. Another way to look at it is that we choose to come here, and if there is abuse that comes with the deal there is a conversation about it ahead of time so that there is awareness about what is being agreed to. I saw this on a medium's page and it made sense to me. I worry sometimes about layering guilt onto people who have already suffered so much: guilt that we chose this abuse suffering whether that be because of karma or a growing experience. Just another way to frame it. I feel like I came here for certain reasons which have nothing to do with the abuse. The abuse can either overwhelm me or I can learn more to escape and avoid it. It was part of the deal but I sometimes wonder if I was a bit foolhardy accepting this bargain! 😉

There is a huge potential for being blamed for the abuse by the spiritual community-I have had a hard time with this mostly because I am a leader of a spiritual group and, have involved in other spiritual groups that unfortunately use blame techniques to take responsibility off the abuser. I have voiced this concern many times but many people in these groups are brainwashed by the theories, concepts in there and u can't make them accept your opinion as well.

However, when it comes to my abuse, I do not for not even one second blame myself for going through it but in the same time I try to stay away from throwing blame onto my abusers (they're guilty sure but then I get into victimhood state and I feel so incapacitated).

I agree with the choosing our experiences before earth kind of theory because, what I've learned is that life is not serious because nothing really exists in the sense we think about (we are the main creator and the people we mostly interact with are our inner reflections that we choose to play with in this life).

I do not take things so seriously because, if I did, I'd be suicidal. However, I do accept the present as it is and the lack of family-so the feelings do come up (I'm not without feelings, this is a real experience and it needs to be processed).

About karma-I don't believe in it. If there was karma, that would imply we'd all be bad in a way or another (we screwed up so we need to pay for our sins in this life). That is bullshit because Universe has unconditional love for all, no matter what we do (even for criminals). But there are consequences to our behaviors (you get what u put out). Karma is a heavy subject and I think it's all about blaming the person in a way or another (if you weren't that bad in the past life you wouldn't suffer now so much). Bullshit, there's no such thing. It's all a play and the reason we choose to have 'heavy' experiences (eg abuse) it's because we knew prior to life that those experiences would help us in a way (create some kind of community or business or knowledge in the world that would help others).

My two cents.
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

MarlenaEve

Quote from: Hepatica on February 23, 2021, 06:57:51 PM
I think the theory that we choose everything before we arrive here on earth is risky and dangerous and manipulative and really big opening for self-blame.

It can also keep the same people in power who are not worthy of powerful positions, if one imagines everything is pre-chosen.

I choose to allow myself to accept I cannot know the reasons for anything until at some point it is revealed to me, most likely after death.

In the meantime I accept that some bad things happened to me and I work hard to make sure I don't load that pain onto other people, including myself.

And there are times, in my choosing where I have taken a very hard road, by choosing to hold an abuser accountable, as I am doing now, by going NC with my parents who chose to use this life to hurt me on purpose, or inadvertently, without realizing it. I hold them accountable for their actions in the re-action of choosing not to have a relationship with them. That is a fair natural consequence for a childhood of mistreatment from them that unfortunately continued into my later years.

Life just isn't always easy for everyone and if I can salvage joy and contentment and give love to others, even after these challenges, then I will have lived a good life.

If this belief system you share has helped you in some way though, I respect your choices.

For me, it doesn't sit right.

You can choose to hold your parents accountable for their actions AND not be a victim and believe that you are in control of what happens. Correct?
I don't wanna stay at a level of blame and guilt (of course I slip from time to time) because, blaming leads to victimisation.
Do I think that my FOO is wrong and I deserved better? Yes. And do I choose boundaries and self-love? Yes.

It's not either that or, it's this AND that. There are no victims, only players and stories.

My two cents.
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl