The enabler, the one “watching” it happen

[Justme729]

I've been doing some emdr therapy.  It's ok.  But something ive realized is then and now my dad is always there acting as a buffer defending her.   She is the only one he's ever dated or shared any intimate relationship with as far as I know.  My mom has used and abused him for years.   He never protected me and even today, the are divorced longer than married/together, he still picks her time and time again.   I try hard to relate to my dad, to have a relationship with him.   It's so hard because the only time I talk to him is when BPD mom hasn't gotten her fix from me.   I've seen a side of him without my mom around. He's amazing.  But I didn't realize I harbor resentment towards him for not protecting me and my siblings.   

It impacts my own marriage a lot.  I have a more dominant personality, more outspoken.  He is quiet.  I'm always wondering if hubby agrees with me or just going along because he doesn't want to upset me.   He says he isn't holding back his opinion.  The therapist said I should trust that, she made me think if examples to prove or disprove that believe.   I disproved it....we have definitely had our share of disagreements.   However, I think he knows I process things aloud.  So he might not comment right away with a strong opinion.

How do you deal with the enabler?   Or the bystander or watched it all happen and did nothing?

[Cat of the Canals]

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I've always felt that I'm a lot more like my dad, and I tend to make excuses for him because of that. But if I'm honest, he has MAJOR fleas at best. At worst, he might have OCPD. And even though he ends up the victim of more of my mother's rages than either me or my brother, he didn't really protect us from the rest of the abuse. In fact, there was a long stretch of my childhood where I feel like he just kind of checked out.

It's hard enough to come to terms with the fact that one parent failed you... having the realization that the other also did in many ways REALLY sucks.

[D.]

I hear you JustMe.  That was very much my experience.  One PD parent abused directly, the other was the victim and did nothing while the uPD abused.  In my case the genders were swapped, but I don't think it really matters.  There is an abuser and an enabler.  I understand now that the enabler could not protect and also chose her husband over protecting her children.  It was a choice...For a long time I was more angry with her.  Recently I realized the severity of the abuse of uPDF.  That helped me have more compassion.  But the whole situation is just so sad and dysfunctional.  Yes, enabling mom can be so sweet and fun and wonderful.  Someone here mentioned the grief of losing a parent to mental health...that's how I feel w/my enabling parent...I lost her too, just in a different way...

[Duck]

I have been dealing with a lot of anger toward my enabling mom lately. She always picks my OCPD dad's side.

The anger is hard to deal with. It was much, much easier pitying her as a fellow victim. But lately, I keep thinking about our age difference. She wasn't like a 19 year old when I was born. She was approaching 30 and had already been married six years. In other words, she was a grown person and had plenty of time to know how difficult my dad was. I am in my mid-40's now. I think about how arrogant she was telling my sister and me how to live. She was one of those people who insisted we would understand her perspective and grown up wisdom when we reached her age. I'm sorry. I understand it way less now.

[WinterStar]

I highly recommend Patrick Teahan's video on "the other parent." He talks about how the toxic family system tends to revolve around a more obviously toxic parent, and the less overtly toxic parent models how to navigate that. The other parent isn't really there for the kids, fails to protect them and often ends up leaning on them for support. The video perfectly captures my mom and is incredibly cathartic and validating for me.

https://youtu.be/_PcVXDJQ9Wc

[D.]

Great video.  Explains a lot.  Thank you Winter Star.

[Hepatica]

My parents were like two young siblings in the backseat of a car, where the more sneaky sibling pokes the other one and pokes and pokes and the other sibling has a meltdown, and the one who was sneaky looks up like, Wow! didn't do anything.. crazy! Meanwhile that one had orchestrated it all.

That's my uNPD father. He is cunning and quiet in how he pokes my uNPD mother and when she blows up, he sits there with this face of astonishment. He knew she was not in control of her temper and he used it to make himself look so stable and easygoing.

I have a hard time with both of them, but I have always felt less angry at my mother, because I saw how my father pushed her to the edge and got to tell us that she was crazy. He needed to have a bad guy so he could pretend he was the good guy. Meanwhile he was doing all sorts of sneaky things behind the scenes and as long as he didn't get caught doing them, he figured he was of higher moral standard or something.

[Call Me Cordelia]

WinterStar, that video describe my mother too. 100% on numbers 1-10. I could have easily come up with examples for all of them. 

I've also seen that personality described as an "inverted narcissist."

[DM178]

I also just watched the video - thank you so much for sharing this and also for all who shared their thoughts and perspective in this strand.

It made me ponder even more...that one parent probably not only enables the other..but actually empowers them in so many ways...and would it all have been different if the enabling parent would have stood up to the BPD parent...enforced boundaries...made them accountable for their awful behaviour..

Then I realized..no BPD would ever have allowed that to happen! Very sad, and very enlightening. Thank you all again for sharing. 

[pianissimo]

Thank you all for this thread.

Since I found out about personality disorders, this has been something on my mind too. In the dynamic of my FOO, I think the enabler has been sometimes my mother and sometimes my father. When one of them fails, the other takes advantage of that failure to "look good". For example, in my teens, my father was the one with explosive anger and my mother was the victim, but now, my mother is the one with explosive anger and my father is the victim.

[carrots]

Thank you for posting WinterStar. That video explains a lot.