introverts' need for time alone: is this a defence mechanism against enmeshment?

Started by pianissimo, February 28, 2021, 04:24:45 PM

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pianissimo

QuoteI just wish for you that you find peace in whichever way you decide to go and don't second guess it.  Either will have good sides and rough sides - just be kind to yourself. 

Thanks breathe, responses here reduced some of the stress I was feeling somehow.

QuoteI've learned, the hard way, not to make important "life" decisions if I'm not in a good place mentally.

Agreed. It seems like I'm better at tolerating isolation related stress than people related stress. This also feels like the stress I feel when I go to supermarket to buy something simple and I find myself having to choose between tens of options. The process itself is mentally tiresome for me.

pianissimo

I have decided to continue writing here because I'm starting to realize some kind of anxiety is manifesting itself around the idea of moving. To update, I have decided to move elsewhere in the city. The city is not big. It's actually such a sweet place. The other day, I went outside, took a walk, made a couple of phone calls to real estate agents, checked out places,  then, in the end, I picked an apartment that seemed nice. I actually felt good about it. I signed the contract today. But, now I feel terrified. When I went to the real estate agent to sign the contract, I met my landlady's relative who takes care of her business on her behalf here. At some point, he asked me if I would live alone, which made me very uncomfortable. Later, when I asked the real estate agent if they could recommend any moving company (local business is tightly knit around here),  he said the moving companies do not operate within the city. He referred to problems they had in the past about moving companies (didn't tell me what exactly those problems were as I was on my way out), but he would recommend someone (or some company?) he knows. So, these two moments stuck with me. I feel terrified about moving now. Thankfully, I have a friend here. I can ask her to be present during the moving, and I can have her around after I move in. So, I'm holding on to this idea to calm myself, but the fear prevails. There is also this general feeling that I do everything wrong. I think the idea that I do everything wrong and the fear of moving feed into each other. In times of moving, I feel so alone.  It feels like everybody sees that I'm alone and that scares me. I thought I shared these feelings here.

JustKeepTrying

pianissimo,

I don't now your background, your PD issues or where the anxiety and where nervousness stems from.  Not my business and I don't need to.  I hope you consider therapy and working through those feelings and issues with them.  Please post here as you need.  I find it helpful and resourceful.

What I wanted to share with you now more than anything else is this:  You are incredibly brave.  You listened to yourself; followed through on a plan and did it.  That takes incredible courage.  I am in awe of you!  You are inspiring me to face my own fears; to listen to myself and move courageously - I needed that today.

I wish you a smooth transition for this next chapter.  Thank you for posting.

pianissimo

Thanks for your replies JustKeepTrying, they help a lot.

Around September, I had an unexpected fall out with a friend in a way that made me aware of personality disorders. Since then, I have become more worrisome. I think that the incident triggered something in me. At the time, I tried online counseling, but what I needed was not there. While writing here, I tried the online counseling service again, but, again, it turned out what I need is not there. These services are not as accessible where I live. I will keep my eyes open for the opportunity to have therapy around here, though. So, this is where I am in terms of therapy.

Currently, I think that, at times like I wrote the previous post, I'm having anxiety attacks, and in those moment, it feels like I'm one misstep away from complete ruin (a term I'm borrowing from Jay Reid on YouTube).  I wasn't always like this, but, since I found out about personality disorders, old-me seems too impulsive. I believed that people are inherently good, that I could recognize and avoid people that have attitudes that contradict with mine. The unexpected fall-out with the friend challenged this paradigm because it came out of nowhere. When I searched for answers, I came across personality disorders, which explained a lot of things in my entire life I was aware of but couldn't make sense of. It also made me realize, all that time when I thought I could recognize and avoid "bad people", I was actually befriending them. Since then, my anxiety has diminished, but, there are still times when I lose it and question whether I'm making the right decision, whether I'm overlooking something. I'm hyper-vigilant, I guess. I have similar anxieties around going to the dentist, about choosing to the right one. All this is partially about the failure of institutions where I live. They are not set up to empower those who live alone. What helped me to get out of that agitated state was to talk to a friend who told me he has been through similar difficulties in the housing market, that no I'm not ripped off by the landlord or the real estate agency, that it's normal that I felt overwhelmed because the process is complicated.


tragedy or hope

P,
Maybe you are having normal reactions to big changes. Many of us face decisions where the outcome is really unknown. Many people are just fine until they have to get on an airplane... so we all have something it seems. The airplane thing is so socially acceptable that people make jokes about it. If we have other fears, probably as common but less likely to be spoken of, we feel unique.

This is kind of specific... but... it is okay to call the dentist, tell them you are apprehensive and just go visit... no work. It is worth it to pay for a brief meeting with the dr. to get used to the office and who you are dealing with. A visit is just a visit not a commitment. Do something small. Just a check or just xrays or whatever you are comfortable with.

The move, you are a woman alone,  people who do real estate etc... want to know who is living on their property. Pay to have the locks changed, keep the old so you can have them redone when you move. This to me is important. I once had a landlord who came into our home at will and denied it later. We were not there long so we did nothing. Do not tell them you are changing the locks, it is none of their business as long as the new does not disrupt the old. Pay to have someone come from another area if you feel there will be gossip or it will get back to people you would prefer not know.
Don't tell them you are changing the locks but that is YOUR property and even if you are renting, lawfully they cannot come in unless something is broken or you call for repair. You do have rights as a renter.
Ask an attorney if you are not sure. You could do this for your peace of mind. There is probably stuff on the internet for your state etc.
I hope you will do some of these things to allay your fears. Doing things alone is a big deal. I don't see your anxiety to be necessarily unusual. Maybe rename it as personal "growing pains" if you will.
You sound realistic. How wonderful for you. You did it! You took the step you wanted to take, now your adventure has begun!
Maybe you just need to know others are behind you in your decision.
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
~Maya Angelou

Believe it the first time, or you will spend the rest of your life in disbelief of what they can/will do; to you. T/H

Family systems are like spider webs. It takes years to get untangled from them.  T/H

pianissimo

QuotePay to have the locks changed

That sounds like a good idea. I was thinking of precautions such as supporting the door by a chair at night, but a lock change would be more effective.

I think part of the reason I'm worrying so much is that the way I want to go about renting an apartment is a bit different than what is expected of me. I have no patience to wait or negotiate if I find a place with a fair price. So, when it comes to these things, I have a let's-do-this-and-get-it-over-with attitude. But, this looks weak to people.  The right way to do is to look reluctant, wait, find problems with the apartment, wait more, but also be persistent to reduce the price...I don't want to the latter but I don't want to look weak either. So, I suppose I should learn to be more patient, and I should learn negotiating ways that feel more natural to me.

pianissimo

I am back to this thread, but, now, my head is a bit clearer. But, moving back to the small town is a big decision, so I needed a bit of strength before I proceed to take the next step. I was about to open a new thread to discuss how I still want to move to the small town everybody hates. Then, I thought I checked what I wrote originally. After all this time, I still feel the same. But, I think I am now able to discern patterns of stinky thinking. I realize I tend to view the idea of moving from  "all or nothing" perspective, and, I think this is why I felt like I would be self-isolating myself if I moved to that small town. But, this is not true. Most recently, what made me realize is that, there is a friend I have, whom I know will be OK with my decision to move. She will not view it as me abandoning her, or she will not make this decision about herself, we will make effort to be in touch even if we live away from each other. The reason when I first had this idea it felt like self-isolation is that, there is another group of friend who might reduce contact with me if I move back. It feels like it might end my friendship with them. So, it felt like I would end up completely alone if I moved to town. So, the decision to move was more about reconnecting to people, but it felt like leaving them because I'm afraid I will lose some people if I do that. Also, it will definitely be viewed a big deal at work.

The other thing is, well, I'm unhappy. I wasn't sure if moving back to town would make me happy. But, then, living in the city didn't make me happy either. So, I guess, I will be unhappy for a while. My circumstances are not great, but, I still have plans for the future.

In the end, my work load has increased too, so, now it makes sense for me to move back.

Also, I think that I will get rid of some of my furniture and will replace them with light portable ones. I like the idea of living wherever I want.

I am writing this here because I'm afraid of the reaction from a group of friends who encouraged me to move to the city. But, now, it feels like this friendship has elements of emotional abuse too. Throughout the year, we stayed in touch despite the pandemic, but, it started to feel like the friendship is not reciprocated. It feels like it remained superficial, which is fine. We have a whatsapp group and I'm thinking of sharing the news that I will move back to town first with them. But, then I fear like what if they start having more social events before I leave. But, then I notice this fear is motivated by the narcissistic abuse, I'm afraid to be hoovered. Then, I wonder whether it would be manipulative of them if they made effort to be more in touch with me right before I left the city. This thought feels paranoid, like, it's just them being in touch, but, then, I recognize the genuine efforts to be in touch. If they perceive my move as a reaction to reduced social contact and "make effort" to be more in touch with me, that would hurt me a lot, because, then I would know there is something wrong there. At this point, I'm a bit tired of seeing the same abusive dynamic in my relationships. I also hate the fact that I seem to fall for it so often. But, let's be hopeful. Perhaps, this is all in my head.

pianissimo

I feel like keeping track of what's going on, for my sanity.

So, I shared the news with two circles of friends. They didn't like the idea. In either case, they reacted to it as if it's a sad thing that I move back to town. Their reaction annoyed me though. One of them expressed her worry that the management would force her to move into town too in the end of the conversation, so I ended up wondering whether she was worried about me or herself during the conversation. The other one considered it a hasty decision, but, then I had been thinking about moving for a year now. I couldn't express my thoughts because they were so against the idea of living in that town. The other thing, they don't seem to be interested in knowing my perspective. I feel like they are worried for what this move means for them (because they fear they will be forced to move back too), but they express their worry as if it's for me.