introverts' need for time alone: is this a defence mechanism against enmeshment?

[pianissimo]

Something I have realized about myself recently is that I have this deep desire to self isolate. These days, it is to the point that I want to move away from the city (to a town which is known for being a horrible place but near work). I have been trying to understand where this desire to move comes from, whether it is a reaction to what is going on in my life.  When I think about it, I realize that I want to move away to assert my individuality. I started to have this feeling that people assume I want what they want. I think that, in the past, I tried to communicate my point of view in matters discussed in different circles of friends but I was left with the feeling that I was not understood or my thoughts were not welcome. I realize that part of the reason I want to move away from the city is that there are things I want to do in my own way, and I need space to do those things. I think that it bothers me that I feel like my opinions are not heard or they are considered as evidence that I intend to break ranks. I am also tired of trying to explain and justify my perspective, when it does not have any negative consequences to anyone. I am also tired of pretending to go along with others' opinion about things. Also, I think that I'm not sure if what I want to do will turn out OK, and I feel like it will be harder to deal with fear and doubt that stems from forging my own path when I'm around these people.
I realize that this is part of the reason I live away from parents too.

Despite all this, I am not sure if it is a good idea because I feel like I keep doing this with people. It also feels impulsive. Also, there is a bit of resentment in this desire to move away. Don't get me wrong, I would be located nearer work and it would make sense in that regard, and I actually lived in the place I intend to move for three years without problems, but, the idea of moving back there doesn't feel nice. There is a bit of defeat and despair. I don't know, is there another way to hold on to yourself? I suppose I could reduce contact with friends... But, for some reason, this doesn't feel like a solution. It feels like if I move away, this will assert something about me that I have been unable to communicate so far. What will it communicate? Perhaps the fact that I don't hate work as much as they do, that I like silly work activities we carry out, that I value what we do despite its insignificance and low standards... I used to tell them I liked our job and where I work but they either think I am joking, or they start teasing me, or they become visibly annoyed. The reason I hesitate so much is because it feels like I will feel lonely if I move, and nobody will support me if I living there difficult (which is the case). If I am honest, at this point, the future seems a bit bleak no matter where I live.  In the end, I don't know if this desire to move is based on valid reasons that will help me realize who I am or if it is whimsical and I'm just fulling myself to thinking it will make me feel better. I have had this desire to move for a couple of months by now. I haven't taken action because I'm worried it stems from an emotional need that might be addressed in a healthier way.

I wondered what folks here would think about all these. Writing alone helps. Thanks for reading.

[Andeza]

To address the question in the title, in short, for me, no. I have a battery. It keeps me running smoothly and able to function in a relatively low stress manner in my day-to-day activities. This battery only recharges when I am alone or with very specific (three people) individuals in my life. Around everybody else, even family, it runs down. As it nears depletion, my stress levels spike and my ability to function suffers. Writing on forums, thankfully, has no bearing on my battery.

Your friends sound like "display shoe" people. I used to work in a shoe store and the rule was that we would display women's shoes size 7, or men's shoes size 10. Every day, multiple times a day, I would watch people come it, pick up the display, and without checking the size try to shove it on their foot. They assumed the display was their size. They forgot for a moment that feet and shoes come in many different sizes and assumptions are not always accurate. Therefore, "display shoe" is a term I now use for people that think everybody agrees with their opinion, or the world revolves around them, or that everything will always work out to their favor, etc. Self-centered in short.

So what you are describing sounds like you have "display shoe" friends that are self-centered and do not respect differing opinions (to the point of forgetting that people even HAVE differing opinions), and also that you may be forcing yourself to interact with them more than your internal battery can properly handle. I will add, the less I enjoy someone's company, the more draining they are for my battery.

Moving will not necessarily fix or worsen your problem. I feel that if you want to move because you find an ideal property that supports your dreams, or you're sick of the city and need some fresh air, that's one thing. Moving to more forcefully prove that you are your own person with your own opinions and beliefs that differ from these people in your life... seems... I don't know. It doesn't feel quite right to me I guess. I suppose I see no reason you can't individuate right where you are. But then, I'm not privy to your entire situation, and I suppose that for you as an individual, this may very well be a part of your healing journey. I will add, if they simply refuse to believe that you are different and feel differently than they do, they'll likely dismiss your move as well and continue to be display shoe people. Ultimately you cannot change them, and they may never alter their interactions with you. You can only change yourself and how you react to them.

[Jolie40]

pianissimo

reread your January 8 post
there you state reasons for wanting to move including financial

perhaps using a pro/con list will help you decide if moving makes sense or not

[pianissimo]

Thank you Andeza and Jolie40, for quick responses.

Andeza, you are right, but, additionally, there is a bit of toxicity going on in our environment, so everything is a bit mixed up. This toxicity is driving people to take sides, and when you fall into one of the sides, people on that side assume you think the same way as they do about everything. So, when I sense this is happening, I feel like discerning myself from any sides, because I feel under pressure to not voice my opinion for the fear it will undermine colleagues who are already in unfair situations or to not take assignments I want to take because it goes against their values. For example, the other day there was a crisis in the department because of a simple task. Two of my friends were given the task but refused to do it because they said the task was too complicated and it wasn't in their job description. The head of the department became stressed and couldn't manage it, and he lashed out a bit. This irritated me tremendously because, I found my friends' behavior manipulative. They are aware that the head of the department can't cope with pressure. And, I think that, they could carry out the task easily. I stay out of it but I find myself disagreeing with whatever going on in the department more and more. There was a work meeting the day before this incident, and there was this voluntary teaching assignment that was suggested by the head of the school. I was quite keen but I didn't go for it at the time because I didn't feel safe to express myself. I was able to figure out what I want only after I came home and relaxed on my own. Also, I have some kind of tension with one of my friends, I'm trying to stay away from her while maintaining a work relationship, and I felt like they were manipulating me into conversations as if I am five years old. Again, I noticed one of my friend's passive aggressive reaction to another, that disturbed me to my core. So, as I see examples of these kinds of conflicts and reactions, I feel like I'm becoming a part of the toxicity. The reason I don't protest any of these more openly is that these people are treated unfairly by the department themselves, so they are not the worst in this situation. I think, these kinds of things have built up over time and they are pushing me to town near work now. When I first took the job, I had moved near work for the same reason, but some people who came later seemed nice and detached from all the drama going on at work, so I moved to city to spend more time with them.

Jolie40, thanks for reminding me that post. I actually made a pro/con list at some point, but it didn't help. I'm now considering seeking professional help around this topic. I have a feeling that I should stick to the city and people here, and perhaps find ways to be around them without being affected by them so much. The thing is, I'm very unhappy these days (I should remind myself that), so, this makes it hard to protect myself emotionally when I'm around them. But, people are the cause of my unhappiness. I really liked these people before moving to the city, and, now I feel very sad that things didn't work out at my end. It's like I crave for friendship despite I have friends. I guess even if I stay in the city, I should reduce contact with them, but this is such a depressing thought. But, at some point, I might feel better and I might see things differently.

Thanks again for the replies.

[JustKeepTrying]

To address the title, look at the concept of introverts from the Myers-briggs view - introvert is where you get your energy.  I get my energy from being alone - almost exclusively.  Now, I can be alone in a crowd and feel energized.  But with a group in a crowd - I exhaust quickly.  Keep that in mind.

As for your "friends" at work - note the air quotes.  In my experience with the work place (30 years and a degree in organizational management) there are work friends that are really more like acquaintances.  These are friends that a situational.  True friends that you don't feel exhausted with are few.  I have a few real friends and many I speak with a few times a year and it is like time hasn't passed.  Keep that in mind as you invest your time and emotion with someone.  Are they someone you eat lunch with and have a laugh or someone you call when times are hard and need a shoulder? 

As for the move, do what ever works for you.  We all have different reasons for moving and you can do what wish.  If you can afford it, and will find a greater peace of mind - move.  I am planning on doing something rather outlandish (moving to full time rving) in a few months and most people will look at me like I've lost my mind.  But I can afford it and it serves my interests - I will find peace on the road and in the camp and that is what I am searching for now. 

Take a moment.  Listen to your inner voice and allow it to guide you.  You are stronger than you think!

[pianissimo]

Thanks JustKeepTrying, I will take time to think. It feels like I will stay where I am, I might move back in the future though. Friends at work behave a little confusingly here. I think that I should look out for myself more effectively for a while. If all this becomes too much, I can always move back. I asked about whether time alone is a defence mechanism against enmeshment because I feel like part of the reason I become tired among friend groups is that especially dominant people impose their preferences and values to the group and that's what exhausts and drains me of my energy. When I'm one on one, I let the other person know where I differ but when everybody in the group is accommodating the dominant person, I find doing that difficult. I feel like this dynamic is the reason for feeling exhausted among groups, I feel like I'm forced to feel whatever the group feels, and more of than not, I prefer feeling what I feel.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Pianissimo thank you for writing this post. I really relate a lot to what you're going through right now.

Honestly it kind of sounds like a fresh start with different people or shaking things up would be more your speed, rather than moving as being more so the focus of what you need to do. What option would help give you some more space and boundaries with these people? Could you stick in the city and branch out to different people? Or would you find more different people and more space at the same time moving closer to work.

I relate extremely to what you describe as the "groupthink" type pressure. Anytime I've been in friends groups I feel the pressure you describe, or I'm deliberately not pulled along into friend groups because I seem to have very independent thoughts and opinions (and there's some shame put on that). I would rather be more in touch with myself, than just go along with things to have company, period....I feel even lonelier and drained when I do that.

I agree with Andeza, I think that moving in order to communicate something is the wrong answer. You should just communicate if so, if you want them to know something. If you move and they don't notice or change like you expected I think that could bring some misery. Like you say the source of your unhappiness seems to be them, so maybe you just need more space.

Introverts like us need connection too, but it needs to be valuable and not draining. Sounds like this current group is extremely draining. If there was some way to open the door to link with more valuable connections without having to sacrifice the other connections you already have. No need to burn bridges....I'm sort of caught up in the same type of conundrum myself; I crave connection and people but once I have it, I feel drained and like something is still missing, and I suddenly don't know what to do with certain friendships in my life anymore. But at the same time....I'm terrified of being alone!

[pianissimo]

Thanks DistanceNotDefense, it's comforting to know there are others going through something similar and feeling similar things. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking, and also, I got in touch with a counselor to explore why I have this strong desire to move, why it feels so important. Like everybody points out here, it's just moving, it's not the beginning or end of the world, but it feels like that to me.

I think that one reason moving feels like such a big deal is because, beneath all this desire is the hopelessness that I will always feel lonely. It's very hard to accept this. It feels like a fate I should find a way to avoid at all cost, like, something I should not accept. The reason for this hopelessness is that, at this point, I have mingled with a range of people, and they all turned out a bit questionable. Some of them have straight out abusive tendencies, others have their own problems. At this point, I feel like, realistically, I should not expect anything different. Not in this place. This thought makes me very sad, and, I feel like, moving to town will just seal the deal, that I will be alone forever. It feels a bit like jumping from a cliff. It's actually silly to think this way because it's not like I will never see anybody again, and my relationship with people might actually improve if I put some distance between me and them.

Just to clarify, when I said I wanted to move away to assert my individuality, I meant that I would be able to voice my opinions more comfortably if I lived away from people. In the city, I end up having to carpool to work with some of them and I feel like being around them leaves me in a confused state. I feel like if I move to town, I can mind my own business easier. In the city, if I fall out with anybody, I still have to carpool with them.

So a big problem I have is I lack a basic support structure. I'm trying to not get my parents involved in my life, so I do my best to not tell them any problems I have. Up until couple of months ago, I had a milder approach to my parents, but I found out about personality disorders, which affirmed my reluctance to be in touch with them. So, I feel exposed since then. The reason I found out about personality disorders is that I had some kind of a minor incident with a friend I initially liked a lot. All this shook my world and left me in a state of mind that I can't tell right from wrong. So, in general, I don't feel safe.

In this state of mind, I find looking for a new place in the city too hard. But, if I wanted to move back to town I could call my previous landlord, or I could call some people from school. Even if I found a place through the internet, things would be OK because I would turn out to be an acquaintance of the potential landlord because everybody knows everybody in town. Also, the school I work in is relatively a big institution that takes social space in town, so, it makes me feel like I have some kind of organic connection to town as the school staff. All this makes the idea of moving to town a safe option for me. I suppose I could get in touch with some people to find a place in the city safely too, but I lost trust in people here.

I think that perhaps I find my connection to the school meaningful. In the beginning, I was kind of pressured to be located near school, in town. Everybody else was scandalized (rightfully) that the management was preventing the staff from living where they want to live. But, I was secretly relieved that I got to live in town. Plus, because the management required us to live in town, they also helped me to find a place. I like to add that I'm considered to be this weird loner around here. Normally, regardless of your age, if you are single, your parents come to help you with things like moving. Mine didn't (health issues), and I didn't want them to, so I was so relieved that the school had sorted my accommodation problem and that it forced me to live in town, because I never wanted to live in city. But, again, from the start, I always felt like I want what I want because there is something wrong with me.

One thing I feel at the moment is the regret that I abandoned myself. I mean, how did this happen? I thought I knew what I was doing, a year ago, I thought that I really wanted to move to the city. Was moving to the city me leaving my actual identity to be with people? The thing that made me want to move actually was that I was getting this yearning to be with somebody, the yearning was too painful, so I decided to follow that yearning, and it turned out to be a false feeling. This is a big part of the reason I doubt myself now, because, now I'm yearning for the town. How do I know if this is not a false feeling?

P.S.After writing this post, I realized that I'm ashamed of my own preferences a lot. Half the time, I'm not aware the shame is motivating how I behave. It turns out that I'm actually ashamed of wanting to live in town, I feel like this is an indication that there is something wrong with me, and even as I write this, I can't say otherwise. The town is not such a great place. The city is truly nice. People come to the city for holidays. I feel ashamed that I don't want to buy a car like everybody else and commute to work from the city. I feel like a failure for not feeling like I have what it takes to do this. I feel like whatever I want to do just shows that there is something wrong with me. There is always this deep desire to be normal or seem normal, whatever that is.

[athene1399]

Pianissimo,

You mentioned earlier that you feel like you don't have friendships despite having friends. I wonder if your friends do not meet your needs. Also, you mentioned having to carpool with them. Is that one of your main reason for moving? To get out of the carpool and get some space from them?

I also am introverted and need to be alone to recharge. I also don't surround myself with people. I used to get burned out at my last job because coworkers were always complaining. It wore me out. I am wondering if something similar is happening in your case.

There were times in the past when I wanted to drop everything and move. But then I realized what I wanted to run from was myself and moving couldn't fix that. But lots of people move because they do need a change of scenery and there is nothing wrong with that. What would change for you if you moved?

[tragedy or hope]

P,
You sound very self aware and awake. You know yourself and what you need. People who cannot accept you for who you are and what you think probably are not at the level of awareness you need to have a real relationship. Finding a friend who you can relate to is worth 20 acquaintances. Groups who think alike can easily become bullies.

It is the same with unhealthy families. The person who steps out of the family system to iive independently is usually the one who is assumed as the problem. People who live a group think life are very boring and usually clan-ish.

Do you need that? Are you getting anything positive out of it? Change is okay. You can try something new and if it does not work out, you can change your mind again. It is your life. Personal safety is an issue if the town is not safe.

Maybe start by spending less time with those who don't hear. you. At first they may pester you but over time, they will not notice you are gone from their grip. Go in and out of the group at will for awhile and see how you feel.

I have very few real friends. I did make a move. It is the same here as anywhere else. People will irk me in the same way and there are those who have disappointed me. I have learned, this is who I am, and this is the way people are.

But it is you who are the priority. You sound ready to move on, perhaps you have outgrown the people who used to be companions.
There are ways to connect via groups on the internet, or religious or hobby groups or whatever.  Look for new opportunities and enjoy your own life.

The friend group you are in seems to want to keep you in bondage . No one needs that.

[pianissimo]

athene1399, yes, getting out of carpool is one of the reasons. About friends meeting needs: I just lost trust in them, in their intentions. I find their way of communication indirect and confusing. Some of the things said do not match what is done. One thing that wears me down is that, when I mention a problem of mine, instead of getting a bit of emotional support, it feels like they are feasting on it. My problems seem to comfort them sometimes.  And, it is people whom I trust do that. People who seem nice do that. What would moving change? At this point, I'm friends with people at a very superficial level. So, I moved near work, I could go to the office daily, and that would meet my need to see and be around people. Plus, I would not have to talk to anybody. If I had to talk to anybody, it would be about work.

tragedy or hope, the problem with people, I think, perhaps I have to reset the dynamic in friendships. As a response to athene1399 too, moving to town could change that dynamic. I somehow ended up in friendship dynamics in which I'm put in a position to prove my worth in some way. It's possible this is how I positioned myself in the beginning, and it feels like, I'm stuck in this dynamic.

But, after writing the last post, I realized that I have this deep need to build a basic support structure that will replace family. Moving might not achieve that, but, wherever I am, I should think ways to come up with something that will function like that. So, I think this is the answer I was looking for in the beginning. The deep desire to move comes from the need to have a support system. In my desire to move, I had linked the idea of the workplace to that support structure, because that is how it worked a year ago. It might not work that way now though, because of the pandemic. But, I think keeping that in mind might help me sort certain things out in my life.

[DistanceNotDefense]

tragedy or hope, the problem with people, I think, perhaps I have to reset the dynamic in friendships.

But, after writing the last post, I realized that I have this deep need to build a basic support structure that will replace family.

Pianissimo, these two things you wrote about really jumped out at me - I'm in the midst of this sort of reckoning/taking stock of friendships right now, too, hitting a "reset" button.

After going NC with my FOO I ended up falling rapidly into friendships that were actually all too similar to the dysfunction! I wanted to replace my support system as quickly as possible. Sadly, I gravitate to what feels familiar/comfortable and that tends to be trauma-bonding and co-dependence in order to feel closeness.

I wonder sometimes if the best we can do for ourselves is hit that reset button (like you said) stop looking for the family in others, and figure out how find it in ourselves instead (maybe work on Internal Family Systems?); it sounds lonely, but I am honestly starting to feel like I might draw in healthier people faster, who I can slowly get to know and vet for whether our friendship would be balanced, and who are at the get-go more likely to be supportive if at the very least they see that I love myself. I find that I'm often soothing a desperate child within me who is frightened of being alone forever.

[pianissimo]

I find that I'm often soothing a desperate child within me who is frightened of being alone forever.

That's a feeling common to all of us, I think. I have this feeling of rootlessness, like there is no ground beneath my feet.

I think that you are right that we need to feel connected to something. Having friends or being part of a family is one way of doing this. The other way is doing work that help people. In the beginning of the thread, I mentioned a voluntary teaching opportunity that I wanted to do. Now, I'm thinking perhaps I should start from there. Perhaps doing that kind of work would make me feel more connected. Perhaps moving is irrelevant and I just need to feel connected. The thing with toxic environments is that, people frown upon or belittle these kinds of things, they make you feel bad for wanting to do these kinds of things, like "Of course, you want to teach, what else do you have?". Definitely, not them, so what else is there to do but hold on to the kinds of activities you like doing?

[breathe]

pianissimo -

I have often felt the need to move in my life and have done so more frequently than others I know.  People always treat me like I'm a little nuts for needing the change.

As I've aged, I realize that I tend to want to move or seek to move when I feel myself care-taking others.  I haven't been healthy at setting boundaries and I tend to be extremely empathetic, struggling to find my own feelings in the midst of everyone else's feelings.  When I start to slide into that space of not knowing my own wants, needs, dreams because I am putting so many others first, I start looking to move - more to find my quiet space of taking care of me again.

It's taken a lot of time to understand that, but it's real and valid.  I have stayed put now for 9 years and have been in a stable 2 year relationship where he is actually really good at hearing me and helping me put myself at the top of my to-do list even when I start sliding into old care-taking habits. 

Being an introvert means replenishing your spirit with some alone time, so it is normal.  Questioning your reasoning for needing it is healthy.  I believe you're stronger than you realize by seeing your true nature (introvert) and questioning your motives for some things (enmeshment).  Stay true to you - the rest will pan out.

[JustKeepTrying]

p,

I think teaching is beautiful and if you feel called or drawn to it - then do it.

I love all of the self discovery you have unveiled here.  I am in awe of your journey.  Inspiring!

[pianissimo]

I have often felt the need to move in my life and have done so more frequently than others I know.  People always treat me like I'm a little nuts for needing the change.

Hi breathe, I have heard that people who suffer from childhood trauma are always on the run. I think that in my mind too there is always somewhere else to be. Part of the reason I'm questioning my desire to move is this. I feel like I'm running away from people. But, the desire is quite real, and it becomes very strong sometimes. It actually feels like "love at first sight" and this is why I feel like taking a step back from it.

JustKeepTrying, taking on that job definitely made me feel better. I think that I should hold on to my job. We have got lots of problems in the school, it's actually a higher education institution that fails at what it does at every level. But, now, I'm thinking that I actually want to be in this institution even if it was the worst one. That would require me to teach subjects I don't know well, so I would have to study some topics, and there would not be any pay off, but, now, I'm thinking that perhaps I should do that.

While thinking about all these, I also realize some of the things I did wrong with people here. People say codependent people don't know who they are. I thought I knew it, but, now, I realize that I don't. When I think about who I am, I look at myself in terms of where I come from, instead of where I am. I think, this is part of the problem here too, people want to find out more about me by asking me questions about where I come from, things about past. What did I do, where have I been, what have I been thinking about certain topics. Now, I realize that, these don't define me actually. This is also not how I relate to people. Getting to know somebody is not learning about their past. The way I do is to pay attention to their reactions, to how they handle things. Are they a tea or a coffee person? Do they put sugar in their tea? What do they eat? What do they talk about? Why are they talking about that? Why is it important for them? These kinds of things. But, I think that people here are not doing that. So, I'm left feeling unseen. They are more interested in finding out about where I come from, which leaves me feel misunderstood. Also, things about where I come from are a lot more personal than things about what makes me who I am now. So, I end up feeling exhausted. I will think more about this later. I was not completely aware of this aspect.

[JustKeepTrying]

p,

the feeling of wanting to move as a result of childhood trauma - I can wholly empathize.  in fact, my shadow is jumping up and down with their hand raised yelling me too!  In fact, I have a plan for that in a few months.  purchased a small rv and I plan to camp my way across the USA for the next few years.  my kids will be grown and out and I have no family here - just my ex.  no need to stay and I hate the weather.  the idea of living close to nature feels like tug I can't shake

I am also leaving a life of teaching. I know from experience that in this field, it is so hard to see if you made a difference. once, I received a note from a child I had twenty years ago - who said that I made the most difference in her life.  all I did was listen when she had trouble with an assignment.  Here was a 16 year old who had never felt listened to by an adult.  I also thoroughly disliked the teachers I worked with - they made life very difficult.  judgey and cruel. I spent more time in my classroom or elsewhere and only attended meetings when needed.  hardest part of the job I found was the administration, working with others part.  The teaching itself was wonderful.  I taught ages 12 - 18 across several schools.

again, your exploring of self is wonderful.  your posts are also pushing me a little bit and I am grateful for it.  Thank you

[pianissimo]

again, your exploring of self is wonderful.  your posts are also pushing me a little bit and I am grateful for it.  Thank you

The feeling is mutual. I didn't think there would be others with the same "urges". I didn't know one could have an urge to move. As I understand, you will be travelling, which sounds so cool to me. This is something I did before the pandemic, but, from summer to summer. I like spending a couple of months here and there. When I look back, I can see that it actually worked so well for me. 

I could say the same thing about teaching. I teach ages 18-21. It's actually a university. But, like I said, where I am, institutions are not working well, so it's not how you would expect. I end up teaching basic summation sometimes. But, I don't mind that, because it's not entirely their fault, and I feel happy with the thought that at least they learn something useful here. I actually organized a lot of my materials so that students would pick up basic skills they didn't get to learn in basic education. Like you, I don't like the meetings, I don't like anything about administration. But I like the work itself when I get to do it my way, and I find it easier to do that here.

Thanks everyone for replies, they made me feel understood and less lonely. 

[breathe]

I completely understand as I suffered childhood trauma and this provides insight into why I run.  I want for you the same thing that I want for myself.....slow down and do a pro/con list showing why you want a change.  The desire to run, and the attempt to slow yourself down, are two competing forces in your brain.  Neither should win out in and of itself - it may be completely reasonable to go or completely reasonable to stay, but putting too much emotional weight in either camp without figuring out the true pros and cons may not be helping you reach the right conclusion.  Running isn't always a bad thing.  Staying isn't always taking the 'safe' path. 

I just wish for you that you find peace in whichever way you decide to go and don't second guess it.  Either will have good sides and rough sides - just be kind to yourself. 

[Boat Babe]

Heya. I've learned, the hard way, not to make important "life" decisions if I'm not in a good place mentally. Sometimes it's unavoidable, but if I can put off an important decision till I am "myself" , then I will.  Sometimes though, the urge to do something is overwhelming and the decision makes itself. My concern with your dilemma is that your reasons for moving aren't the usual ones and you sound less than enthusiastic about the place you would move to.

I travelled a lot in my youth and came to understand that wherever I am, I always have to live with myself. A valuable insight.

Is there something less expensive and disruptive that you can do to improve your life without moving?