Some rules to keep trauma bond at bay

Started by MarlenaEve, March 02, 2021, 09:37:30 AM

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MarlenaEve

Hi guys.

I've developed some really good rules that I believe, if followed can keep trauma bond feelings at bay. It took me exposure to narc parents to realise how powerful is this trauma bond and how it's almost impossible to overcome it if you are not conscious of it and make an effort to recognise your unhealthy behaviors daily.

I hope this helps someone, it helps me a lot. (it applies to Contact, Low Contact and No Contact as well)

1. I shall not hold my family to healthy family standards.
I see them daily as they truly are: unhealthy, unloving and unable to change. They are also unsafe for me to be around them and I accept that.

2. I shall accept the fact that Narcissistic parents CAN HAVE short, long or indefinite periods of being kind, nice, peaceful and well. However, these behaviours won't make them LESS narcissistic, LESS abusive, LESS unloving and unwell. I shall not let my narcissistic parents' inconsistent behaviour trick me into having a relationship with them or break my boundaries (low contact or no contact).

3. I shall not expect any changes from my narcissistic parents and I accept that thinking of them changing and becoming loving is part of my trauma bond feelings.
I will do my best to get love, support and validation from myself and/or from healthy, loving and compassionate people.
Also, instead of spending my precious time trying to make FOO change, I can shift my attention inwards and focus on improving the quality of my life.

4. I shall accept the fact that my FOO never loved me or cared for me. I accept the fact that I never had a loving mother and if these feelings are too hard to cope with, I can ask someone's help with my grieving process.

5. I shall not try to get love, validation and acceptance from my narcissistic parents.
Instead, I can make my own family and have healthy and loving relationships with them.

6. I shall accept the fact that my FOO is part of my past and I am strong enough to let them go. However, going back and revisiting the past does not have to hurt me if it won't involve contact with my narcissistic parents. I decide how much my past influences my present, however, I shall be more focused on creating a loving life for myself. My new life takes emotional effort, time, grieving, inner work and commitment for it to function well, so I decide to give all my attention to this new life of mine.

You can add your own rules/commandments if you want. (add some rules related to your situation)

Hope this helps.
xoxo

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

Hilltop

This is a great list and I am working toward many of the goals you have set out.

DistanceNotDefense

This is fantastic. I'm copying this for myself....thank you!!!!

nanotech

This is a great list and it's so helpful for me to read this! I'm going to bookmark this page if that's ok.

It took me so long to understand that I wouldn't ever be able to change them.

Boat Babe

It gets better. It has to.

DistanceNotDefense

I just thought of this addition (if this is OK!):

# (wherever it fits best): I shall accept that I don't owe or am not obligated to give love or validation to narcissistic parents/FOO if they cannot show it themselves, freely give it, if it is conditional, or if it requires periods of abuse from them to be received. I shall understand that PD personalities may use non-PDs they are close to for carrying the emotional burdens that they are not aware of or ready to examine in themselves. I have already carried these burdens long enough, since childhood, to help my PD loved one emotionally survive and thrive thus far as an act of (albeit coerced) unconditional love. I am ready to accept that I am no longer indebted or obligated to carry these burdens or display or express unconditional love/validation any further, especially when it is not returned. I accept that I was never obligated to do so in the first place when it was unreciprocated.

MarlenaEve

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

MarlenaEve

Quote from: nanotech on March 02, 2021, 11:08:35 AM
This is a great list and it's so helpful for me to read this! I'm going to bookmark this page if that's ok.

It took me so long to understand that I wouldn't ever be able to change them.

Yes, do whatever you want with them. They're written for everyone here.
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

MarlenaEve

Quote from: DistanceNotDefense on March 02, 2021, 07:15:34 PM
I just thought of this addition (if this is OK!):

# (wherever it fits best): I shall accept that I don't owe or am not obligated to give love or validation to narcissistic parents/FOO if they cannot show it themselves, freely give it, if it is conditional, or if it requires periods of abuse from them to be received. I shall understand that PD personalities may use non-PDs they are close to for carrying the emotional burdens that they are not aware of or ready to examine in themselves. I have already carried these burdens long enough, since childhood, to help my PD loved one emotionally survive and thrive thus far as an act of (albeit coerced) unconditional love. I am ready to accept that I am no longer indebted or obligated to carry these burdens or display or express unconditional love/validation any further, especially when it is not returned. I accept that I was never obligated to do so in the first place when it was unreciprocated.

That is great. I'm gonna add this to my list. Need to remember that we should not give unconditional love to people who treat us badly.
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

SunnyMeadow

I've read this 3 times so it sinks in. Thanks for your post MarlenaEve!

completelyperdue

This was awesome, and something that I am going to copy down on a piece of paper to look at when I need that reminder. Definitely needed at my time of life right now.

I hope that someone makes a sticky out of this post.

Thank you so much for sharing!
Tis better to be alone than in bad company - George Washington
My story: http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=32804.0
Reminders of why I left: http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=34092.0

FindingHappinessAgain

Thank you for this, it really hit home!

I've been thinking about breaking NC with my BM but know that it won't do any good because she can't/won't change and I will end up getting hurt again. This list really helped me center myself again!

Boat Babe

Quote from: FindingHappinessAgain on March 03, 2021, 02:40:07 PM
Thank you for this, it really hit home!

I've been thinking about breaking NC with my BM but know that it won't do any good because she can't/won't change and I will end up getting hurt again. This list really helped me center myself again!

Thereby dodging a bullet.

Radical acceptance of the fact that they will not change is very liberating. It speeds the healing process and protects us from any further abuse. And it's ok and normal to feel sad about this. And to hold the sadness with loving self compassion.

Hugs to everyone.
It gets better. It has to.

DistanceNotDefense

I also hope someone makes this a sticky. I've been returning to this off and on over the last few days and it has an extremely sobering effect, it's one of the most effective things I've looked at that have snapped me Out of the FOG. It's like someone claps their hands and wakes me up and a ton of guilt and shame go away. I feel resolute and clear.

Thank you again Marlena!

My New Life

Quote from: DistanceNotDefense on March 02, 2021, 07:15:34 PM
I just thought of this addition (if this is OK!):

I shall understand that PD personalities may use non-PDs they are close to for carrying the emotional burdens that they are not aware of or ready to examine in themselves. I have already carried these burdens long enough, since childhood, to help my PD loved one emotionally survive and thrive thus far as an act of (albeit coerced) unconditional love. I am ready to accept that I am no longer indebted or obligated to carry these burdens or display or express unconditional love/validation any further, especially when it is not returned. I accept that I was never obligated to do so in the first place when it was unreciprocated.

After my last round therapy, my therapist asked what I would communicate to my younger self, if I could?   The words came from some deep space inside myself, that were very similar to yours.  "I am sorry I carried her burden for so long.  I did not realize, it was never mine to carry."

Hilltop

Quote from: My New Life on March 06, 2021, 04:16:26 PM
Quote from: DistanceNotDefense on March 02, 2021, 07:15:34 PM
I just thought of this addition (if this is OK!):

I shall understand that PD personalities may use non-PDs they are close to for carrying the emotional burdens that they are not aware of or ready to examine in themselves. I have already carried these burdens long enough, since childhood, to help my PD loved one emotionally survive and thrive thus far as an act of (albeit coerced) unconditional love. I am ready to accept that I am no longer indebted or obligated to carry these burdens or display or express unconditional love/validation any further, especially when it is not returned. I accept that I was never obligated to do so in the first place when it was unreciprocated.

After my last round therapy, my therapist asked what I would communicate to my younger self, if I could?   The words came from some deep space inside myself, that were very similar to yours.  "I am sorry I carried her burden for so long.  I did not realize, it was never mine to carry."

Love this one, to really understand its not ours to carry is deeply healing.  Thank you.

Boat Babe

I second that. I read that and felt relief. Thanks.
It gets better. It has to.

zak

Thankyou for this post. I feel like I can breath out and relax. Even though I've been NC for over 5 years with uNPDM I can still find myself going down the rabbit hole of what if's and regret. Never enough to make me want to break NC but rather a feeling of grief and loss that washes over me periodically. I really needed to read this today :-)

Sheppane

Awesome!
Especially the point about not mistaking the periods where they are nice or kind for a sense that it's all OK again. My inner child takes these moments and embellished them which really invalidates the toxic stuff.
Great list  :)