Triggered by my aging father again.

Started by feenix, March 11, 2021, 04:38:14 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

feenix

I don't visit here often because I maintain LC with my aging parents. I've learned how to protect myself, now that I realize what they are.

But I'm not well, I have a chronic illness and have my good and bad days. I'm recovering from a toxic injury and have auto-immune issues. I can deal with my parents better when I'm feeling well, but I've been on the couch for 2 days, was starting to get a bit of energy back, until I got a phone call.

I had dragged myself over there 2 days ago, it seemed necessary, I wont go into details, but I couldn't get out of there fast enough, I wasn't feeling well as it was, and the toxic atmosphere was thick. Dad is the narc, mum is the co-dependent enabler.  They are like a symbiotic vampire team, not so overtly abusive these days, but very draining. It's always been all about him, no one else matters, nothing has changed. I grew up emotionally abused and neglected, I was an extension of him. There was no me, only his daughter.

Well anyway, I was asleep, got a phone call from him. Would I go over and fix his computer? I got a surge of anxiety, I need to do a few things for myself which I've been putting off because of not feeling well. I told him I wasn't feeling well, I had told him that 2 days ago, he didn't remember of course, I said I would probably be feeling better by the weekend and would go over then.

He completely disregarded what I had said about not feeling well and asked how my sister is, she suffers from migraines. I told him I didn't know. My guess is that he thought, well if I wont go over there right away, maybe she will. Or maybe it was just his automatic response of being more concerned about her than me, she is the golden child and I'm the scapegoat. She has always been more of a reliable supply for him than I ever was.

I felt a familiar sinking sensation at being disregarded, like my insides crumbled and collapsed.... I've been triggered by him my whole life. I wish I hadn't answered my phone, but they are old now and I feel like I have to because they both have serious health issues.

I have no emotional support from anyone, I'm divorced from my abusive ex-husband and live alone with my dog. My sister is also alone. We understand each other because of our shared history. Sometimes I think this is exactly what my father wanted, two children with no commitments to anyone but them so we will be here just for them. They both abandoned their parents and families and moved across the world, but here we are living close by, ready to do whatever they ask.

Anyway, thanks for reading. It's nice to have somewhere to express myself without being judged as a bad daughter.

SunnyMeadow

You don't sound like a bad daughter to me. You sound like a woman who has learned to protect herself. Sadly, we all get the challenges and emotions of dealing with these kind of parents.

I see a lot of similarities in your story and mine. I also have auto-immune issues (brought on extreme stress), aging parents with a toxic atmosphere in their house and LC with them.

My advice is to tell him you CAN'T fix his computer. You don't know how and don't even fix your own computer. If you've fixed it in the past, make something up. "The last computer I tried to fix completely died and now I'm terrified of breaking another one" :bigwink: I don't feel bad telling my uNPD mother lies/fibs/whatever you call it, to get out of visits or any other situation. I'm doing it to protect myself and my stress level. If I told the truth, all hell would break loose. My mom would go ballistic and it's not worth it to me. She doesn't get the honor of me telling her the truth. Sad but true.

I have my uNPD mother's texts set to silent tone. Maybe this would be helpful for you. I might see her text hours later and that's fine for me. When I hear my text tone I don't get triggered anymore that it might be from her. I used to have the phone ringer set that way too but changed it when a family member was in the hospital. She rarely calls me anyway, I must call her...the elder! Perhaps changing your phone so their calls and texts don't disturb you or better yet, block everything from them when you just can't deal with the possibility they may contact you. You have a sister who will get the call so it's not like both of you aren't available.

If there's a way to go v.v.LC with your parents, I'd start putting that into place. I'm sorry you're dealing with this feenix. ♥

Starboard Song

There are so many ways to protect yourself while not feeling like you've become hardened. The "little fibs" approach can be a great solution, avoiding direct conflict while protecting your space. You can even research options for professional services to fill in where you just can't.

Take care of yourself. You have the right to do that.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

nanotech

#3
Have you looked at any of the Family Systems Jerry Wise videos on YouTube?
He talks about how children of dysfunctional parents are taught to auto- accommodate - to overfunction within the family. You mentioned how your dad sees you, not as an individual but as an extension of him! 
That whole thing about the parents wanting us not to have much going on in our own lives but just be available whenever, to serve them? That really resonates with me.

I was doing this big time with my parents ( over functioning)and
I was also made to feel totally responsible for the happiness of my older sibling. It's a symptom of enmeshment.
Since I stepped back, older sis doesn't want a relationship with me. That hurt for a while. She wanted the dysfunctional relationship or no relationship at all.

It's that conditionality you're feeling. That sense you're having that if you don't oblige them they will drop you as a daughter. This is what they threaten.

In my case my sis has done it, she's dropped me as a sister and my younger sis has obligingly jumped into the role I used to play.

but my UNPDdad , after a couple of tantrums,  :roll: accepted and finally got used to having an individual for a daughter. He hasn't changed, but he minds my boundaries.
I was totally prepared to lose him too. That preparation made me brave enough to start being different with him- to set and to hold firm my boundaries.
It took about 6 months to a year. Now and then  he would/ will try again, but it's now a squeak rather than a roar.  I medium chill it and it's fine.
Use these -
' I don't want to '
'I can't '
'That's not possible for me right now'
' I no longer.....'
etc.
these became sentences I could say to him.
Plus medium chill. Plus not practising JADE.
JADE stands for
NEVER;
Justify
Argue
Defend or
Explain
anything.
Jerry Wise talks about never explaining or becoming defensive, that as soon as you do that you sound and feel less than them, to them and to yourself.
I used to explain myself over and over and it just gives them information to argue against.
JADE
MEDIUM CHILL
😊







samtosha

Yes to all of this! I relate so much to being "an extension" of a parent  and having both parents be just horrifically toxic. Sunny Meadow's and Nanotech's advice is great:  lie/fib, be unavailable, say you can't do it. It gets easier with practice.

feenix

Thank you for the replies, I'm not sure how to reply Individually but I appreciate all the support, understanding and suggestions. I will definitely check out that YouTube channel.

I'm generally much better prepared to handle him/them, but this time I think it was the combination of being caught off guard, with being sick and asleep at the same time. My old automatic programmed reaction kicked in, which doesn't often happen these days.

He has mellowed as he has aged and accepts boundaries, which I have put into place, so if I had said I wasn't able to look at his computer, he would have accepted it these days. I think he realizes that he doesn't have the power/control that he used to have and needs to employ different tactics to get his needs met. But I'm still wounded and react in the same old ways if I don't have my psychic bubble in place.  Childhood programming and emotional reactions run deep.

On a conscious level, I've emotionally detached from them. There never was any real love or affection between us, and I've let go of trying to get what I needed as a child. So now all I feel towards them is a combination of sadness, basic responsibility and residual cognitive dissonance.  The way things appear on the outside is very different from the actual reality.

I'm feeling a bit better today, and quite capable of checking out a computer. Yes, I often 'fix' their computers for them. The last time the problem was that a mouse needed to be plugged in. The previous time was that a power cord needed to be located and attached. They are both in their 90's, still driving, independent, attending their respective hobbies. My mum still goes to a gym twice a week, she drives there. Dad has his carpet bowls. His difficult personality got him alienated from the local club, so now he drives to a neighboring town where he goes several times a week.  But when it comes to technology, like their phones and computers, it needs to be basic, and neither of them are really capable of learning new things now.  The thing is, while they retain their independence, it means there is less responsibility for my sister and me. We both struggle with dealing with them.

It's a strange dynamic, they are admired and celebrated by their neighbors and people they associate with, but neither of them have what I would call close friends. They have each other, and together create a socially acceptable, respectable, image of wonderfulness. But behind closed doors, its quite a different story, they are toxic towards each other. As a child growing up, this created incredible instability and confusion for me. I didn't know who they really were. The constant personality switches made me doubt my own reality. They become products of their difficult environments and I became a product of them. The only difference is that I woke up and learned about the dysfunctional patterns, but they didn't.  It's frightening for a helpless child to be dependent on emotionally unstable, incapable parents, we have to do what we need to do to survive, and those learned patterns of survival become entrenched.

I'm naturally an honest person, so lying to get out of doing things is difficult, but I know it's necessary, in order to protect myself and their self images. Every time I do it, it feels uncomfortable though..... a little bit of my soul dies.

I'm sorry we are all going through these difficulties, and I'm grateful for this forum for support.

Cat of the Canals

I'm so sorry you're ill on top of all of this.

I used to jump up to answer my unPD mother's phone calls, otherwise she'd leave these nagging voicemail messages, always with a tone that made it clear she couldn't BELIEVE I hadn't answered the phone. I was like a puppet on a string. Once I realized that, I started setting some boundaries.

First, I set custom ringtones for my unPD mother and unPD mil. That way, when one of them calls, I know without even looking at the phone. I take a moment and decide whether I'm in a place where I feel I can deal with it at the moment. I am not usually in that place, honestly, so I let it go to voicemail. This eliminates that "caught off guard" feeling. It also forces them to leave a message telling you what they want/need. With the PDs in my life, they MUCH prefer to get us on the phone or in person before they ask for something. It's easier to push back when we say "no" that way. We always knew my MIL was going to demand a visit when she left a message that was simply, "Call me back." After all, if she needed something so very important, she'd let us know. My husband stopped accepting her calls at all and only responded via text, which again kept the pushback to a minimum.

The other thing I did was install a voicemail-to-text app. My mother loves leaving bossy VMs about how I BETTER call her back. This used to trigger me even further. Seeing the words isolated in text without her nagging tone of voice has helped so much.

Starboard Song

Quote from: Cat of the Canals on March 16, 2021, 10:42:15 AM
I set custom ringtones for my unPD mother and unPD mil. That way, when one of them calls, I know without even looking at the phone. I take a moment and decide whether I'm in a place where I feel I can deal with it at the moment. I am not usually in that place, honestly, so I let it go to voicemail. This eliminates that "caught off guard" feeling.

My husband stopped accepting her calls at all and only responded via text, which again kept the pushback to a minimum.

The other thing I did was install a voicemail-to-text app.... Seeing the words isolated in text without her nagging tone of voice has helped so much.

Execution Level: HERO
No fuss. No muss. No arguing. You are doing your boundaries.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

Cat of the Canals

Wow thanks, Starboard Song! Boundaries still feel like such a new thing for me, maybe because I've only recently learned to let go of the guilt. But now I feel like I just got an "A" on my Boundary Report Card!  ;D

Dandelion

#9
Surprise, I also have an immune illness.  I also used to get the constant computer and phone fixing requests. 

I am NC now.  But if I was LC now it would be a "no" from me for all these things.  Maybe I would now say "I'll take a look next time I'm over" (in a few months).  End of conversation.

Or you could use your illness as a reason.  It's not untrue either, even if you have good days.  Good days are meant to be enjoyed and tonstrengthen your health.

Also you could say "I'm not well enough to be doing this stuff".  If they "disagree"! with your reason, tough!  Just rinse and repeat.  Or you could suggest they find someone locally who can help them.  But leave them to find this (probably mythical but who knows) person.  Don't underestimate all the energy all this life administration stuff takes, and with PD parents it's even worse because of the negativity and so forth.

Everyone is different and everyones circumstances are different.  eg it was somewhat easier for me as I lived 3 hours away.  And we all have to find our own way to make the adjustments given differing circumstances.  Someone suggested the training we get from these parents to always put their needs or requests first.  These people have always put themselves first in every situation.  It's a lifetime habit.

I am putting myself first now in relation to NM.  I'm spending good days chilling and doing some nice stuff for myself, though admittedly it's easier as I'm NC right now, 6 months.  One thing about this period of space has been that I have had the distance to be able to see more clearly the FOG (fear, duty, obligation.).  In my case it was at a fairly low level but it was still exhausting.  Even if myself and NM went back to LC/VLC (and we may not, NC could be for good) that principle would not change now  that I have seen more clearly the situation. 

feenix

Quote from: Cat of the Canals on March 16, 2021, 10:42:15 AM
...so I let it go to voicemail. This eliminates that "caught off guard" feeling. It also forces them to leave a message telling you what they want/need. With the PDs in my life, they MUCH prefer to get us on the phone or in person before they ask for something. It's easier to push back when we say "no" that way....

Thanks for your comment, I'm just getting back here 3 months later and this part of your reply made me realize something about my father. He absolutely never gives any information in a message about what he wants. If he leaves a message, it will just be a request to call him back. I think your explanation about why they do this is accurate.

Leonor

#11
Hm. If someone is not capable of plugging in a mouse, maybe they don't need a computer!

If someone doesn't know how to use their phone, perhaps they don't have a phone!

Everything else is manipulative. Purchasing something you don't know how to use is manipulative: oh, poor me, I neeeeed a phone ...

So buy one.

But I don't know how it wooooorks ...

The kid at the store will help you.

Oh, but I'd rather you dooooo it ....

I'm not a phone expert.

But I'm worried about being taken advantage of .... All our information is on there .....

So maybe don't have a phone.

But I neeeeed one ....

Why?

What if I faaaaalll?

And so on. See where I'm going with this?