Please tell me if this is me! I'm losing my mind

Lilyloo · March 16, 2021, 06:53:26 AM

I'm not even sure where to put this. I think here is ok maybe?

I found out about narcissism years ago. when I was searching about self absorbed mothers. I find myself seeing it everywhere. I often feel I am losing it. Here is what is troubling me now. My two best friends for my whole life, one is my cousin, the other my school friend since seventh grade, are making me so sad. I realize people may be set in their ways. I just don't know for sure whats happening

They want to talk on the phone only. It has often been up to 4 hours with my cousin, 2 hours with my other friend. Often when I'd get off the phone I was so nervous and full of anxiety. I think just talking that long was hard for me. I did it because I love and respect them. My cousin has had a cellular phone for years. My friend, well... her kids just set her up with one. They wanted to text, send pictures, etc. I get a text from her, "hey guess who this is, friends for 100 years" So I finally figured it out. I told her I was happy we could text, but could chat on the phone occasionally. She refuses to text! What the heck! She refuses to use the phone her kids so graciously set up for her. She even texted me guess who this is???

My cousin just down right won't message on her phone, on FB NOTHING!

I picked up the phone call from my cousin back in December. I had heard nothing for 8 months. I had texted just a Hi hope you are well, nothing back. The topic was 'her' her problems. I patiently listened, comforted and got off the phone a mess. I was so saddened that 8 months went by and I had not heard from her. I feel like a doormat. I'm there for them, yet they cant take 1 minute to text a hello.

I swear I'm not picking up that phone. I voiced my thoughts to them. I am totally unheard. With my friend, the phone is very upsetting as she tells me about her sex life with her husband. She tells me how great care she takes of her mother knowing my relationship with my mom is horrible.. I would NEVER do those things to them...I'm sad, hurt, confused, Yet I feel crazy.

The one thing I am not is selfish. I give give give and ask very little in return.

I agreed to talk on the phone sometimes and text even if its a sentence. I just cant take this from people. I must be crazy! I know I am sad.................

bloomie · March 16, 2021, 09:50:55 AM

LindaLoo - at the very least these two friends are insensitive and not respectful of your time.

It is crazy making when we begin to realize how much angst we allow others to drag into our lives and how little reciprocity we have required in long standing friendships with patterns that were developed before we knew better. It is painful and disconcerting and it hurts.

If they don't respond to texts you could stop texting. 2-4 hours/phone call would simply be unworkable for me. I don't know how you did that! 😳

And I surely do not want to know about someone's sex life.

So, how would you set some boundaries and limits with these things for your own peace of mind? How do you step out of the role you have been in as benevolent always giving, always listening, always available friend to a more balanced and enjoyable relationship?

For what it's worth, I don't think there is anything wrong with your mind.

Starboard Song · March 16, 2021, 11:29:44 AM

QuoteI picked up the phone call from my cousin back in December. I had heard nothing for 8 months. I had texted just a Hi hope you are well, nothing back. The topic was 'her' her problems. I patiently listened, comforted and got off the phone a mess. I was so saddened that 8 months went by and I had not heard from her. I feel like a doormat. I'm there for them, yet they cant take 1 minute to text a hello.

I swear I'm not picking up that phone. I voiced my thoughts to them. I am totally unheard. With my friend, the phone is very upsetting as she tells me about her sex life with her husband. She tells me how great care she takes of her mother knowing my relationship with my mom is horrible.. I would NEVER do those things to them...I'm sad, hurt, confused, Yet I feel crazy. The one thing I am not is selfish. I give give give and ask very little in return.

I am a broken record around here, but BOUNDARIES.

You would prefer to text, and limited phone call duration. Others would prefer not to text, and like long talks. Nobody is being selfish by having those preferences. You like to reach out and make contact. And some others are failing to do so. There, too, it is highly likely that nobody is being selfish: they all just have different styles.

You have the right to decide right now to never be on the phone for more than, say, an hour. You have the right -- and I swear I know this is hard -- to tell someone "I am so sorry, but if you don't mind, I really would rather we left that a private topic between you and him. I am sure you understand." You have the right, early in a call when someone says "so what's going on?" to not say "nothing much," but to say how glad you are they asked because there are several things you'd like to share. And whenever anyone wants to go on and on beyond your endurance, or insists upon sex talk, or simply will not let you share, you have the right to end the call unilaterally by saying "hey, I'm so sorry, but someone's at the door and I'll need to let you go. Next time!"

The conversation topic where one person has a problem where the other has joy is a tough one. It is hard to work to a happy medium. But I figure I should be able to share my son's success with my best friend even though his son is deeply troubled. I make sure we each get time to share, and we don't put our sons back to back: we can talk about fishing in between.

They, sadly, will continue to not text if they don't want to text. And, while I am the maintainer of some of my long-time friendships, there are a couple others where it is the other guy who does all the work. I am sure along the way we all feel hurt or offended when things get too off-balance. But I encourage you to assume these folks mean no harm until they prove otherwise. In every friendship, one or the other is the one that reaches out far more often.

You are not crazy. You are not losing your mind.

You try very hard, it sounds like, to be a good friend, and to do what people seek of you. And they don't always return the favor. But I also don't hear any personality disorders here, or even very bad behavior. Being a human is hard work, and these remote relationships are evolutionarily brand new. Our friends are supposed to live around our campfire, and we often do badly at relationships with people we don't eat, work, or sleep with.

Take a deep breath and decide if you can invest another attempt in your friends. And please remember what you deserve: you deserve to invest in yourself with good strong boundaries. You can decide the things you will or will not do, or engage with, and you stick to it. You can continue being generous, while not overextending. I suspect you'll have very good success, and -- after a couple of awkward pauses, I hope -- your friends won't mind a bit.

So much good strength to you!

Lilyloo · March 16, 2021, 12:09:28 PM

I did set boundaries by telling them I would do 1 hour phone calls if they would text, even just twice a month. They refuse! That is my boundary and Im staying with it. I do think it is a type of didorder, a set in their ways disorder. Lol! Regardless of the reason, I feel I am not wrong. I was feeling crazy, but now Im going to be strong. Strong for me and my right to be worthy. I mean honestly. Who doesnt have 2 minutes to text if. I gave 40 years to the phone

Lilyloo · March 16, 2021, 12:18:50 PM

Bloomie and Starboard Song, Thank you both so much. I was having a crazy morning in my head. Talking truly helps. Bless you both. I am mostly hurt and I think they are being stubborn. My cousin I used to meet and sit and talk for 5 hours at the Mall. Yet a 2 minute text is to much for her. Nope Im not being used again. My whole life I've been weak and unable to set boundaries. Im 67 and have not that many years left. I guess I don't even need them and I have to look at things in a new light. I read both of your replies twice. Grateful for you both and your awesome help.

Starboard Song · March 16, 2021, 12:35:42 PM

You are clearly a kind and caring person trying hard to navigate tougher relationships. Give yourself those hugs!

Lilyloo · March 16, 2021, 04:39:46 PM

Starboard Song

Lilyloo · March 17, 2021, 11:30:31 AM

Yes they are being selfish. I thought about that and if I compromise yet they don't, that is certainly selfish. They don't care as much as I have. Things have broken me. The uncaring selfish mother, the pain of that will never leave me. Its pain I cant describe but all of you know how it feels. Now I have friends who ignore. Nope not acceptable.