Respect the No at Age 3

Started by JustKeepTrying, March 19, 2021, 11:36:35 PM

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JustKeepTrying

Below you will find a post about supporting children who say no and don't want to hugged or run away from older family members.  It is chilling and important.  It was posted to a social medial group I belong to.  Under that you will find my reply.  Take from it what you want.

Here is my Working on Us AHA moment.  I remember very clearly standing in the hallway at my small parochial school in a small Ohio town.  I was by the girls bathrooms waiting for parents inside.  It was Christmas open house and I was dressed in my Sunday best.  I was small, slender child with waist length white (blonde would be too dark) hair and bright green eyes.  And an older boy came up - he was good looking about high school age and his father was behind them.  I recognized them from my brother's Boy Scout troop.  They bent at their waist and told me I was very pretty.  They stood so close and there was something in their eyes that frightened me.  That gleam still haunts my nightmares.  I backed up to the wall and I could and still feel the cold brick against my back through my Christmas green velvet dress.  I couldn't go anywhere.  I began tear up and the father backed up but the boy didn't. He just told me to stop crying it would ruin my lovely face and make eyes red.  My mom appeared behind him and she looked so happy to see them.  I stood there crying silently while this boy crept closer and closer.  My mother just looked at me with those eyes that said don't make a scene while she happily chatted up the father. 

I know now that it was the beginning of my education that my body and my wishes were not my own.  The beginning of people pleasing.  My origin story if you will.  That moment and several like it draw a direct thread to my brothers physically beating me when I was teenager; college rape and eventually marrying my xOCPDh.  When my ex had an affair, my mother told it was because I didn't give him enough sex.  This was the year 2000. 

And again when my granddaughter was born, I saw the same thing happen to her and all I could hear in my head is my mother's voice, my mother-in-law's voice, "they don't mean anything."  "Why don't you hug me, I'm your (insert here)". "I won't hurt you/her" and on and on and on. and all the guilt, passive/aggressive statements that would be made forever making you the one to blame because your daughter/granddaughter didn't want to hug whoever.  I feel guilty for allowing it to happen and guilty for not stopping it and guilty for it happening to me.  All the catholic guilt.



"A grown man looms behind my three-year-old daughter. Occasionally he will poke or tickle her and she responds by shrinking. Smaller and smaller with each unwanted advance. I imagine her trying to become slight enough to slip out of her booster seat and slide under the table.
When my mother views this scene, she sees playful taunting. A grandfather engaging with his granddaughter.
"Mae." My tone cuts through the din of a familiar family gathering together. She does not look at me.
"Mae." I start again. "You can tell him no Mae. If this isn't okay you could say something like, Papa, please back up—I would like some space for my body."
As I say the words, my step-father, the bulldog, leans in a little closer, hovering just above her head. His tenebrous grin taunts me as my daughter accordions her 30-pound frame hoping to escape his tickles and hot breath.
I repeat myself with a little more force. She finally peeks up at me.
"Mama . . . can you say it?" Surprise. A three-year-old-girl doesn't feel comfortable defending herself against a grown man. A man that has stated he loves and cares for her over and over again, and yet, stands here showing zero concern for her wishes about her own body. I ready myself for battle.
"Papa! Please back up! Mae would like some space for her body." My voice is firm but cheerful. He does not move.
"Papa. I should not have to ask you twice. Please back up. Mae is uncomfortable."
"Oh, relax," he says, ruffling her wispy blonde hair. The patriarchy stands, patronizing me in my own damn kitchen. "We're just playin'." His southern drawl does not charm me.
"No. You were playing. She was not. She's made it clear that she would like some space, now please back up."
"I can play how I want with her." He says, straightening his posture. My chest tightens. The sun-bleached hairs on my arms stand at attention as this man, who has been my father figure for more than three decades, enters the battle ring.
"No. No, you cannot play however you want with her. It's not okay to 'have fun' with someone who does not want to play." He opens his mouth to respond but my rage is palpable through my measured response. I wonder if my daughter can feel it. I hope she can.
He retreats to the living room and my daughter stares up at me. Her eyes, a starburst of blue and hazel, shine with admiration for her mama. The dragon has been slayed (for now). My own mother is silent. She refuses to make eye contact with me.
This is the same woman who shut me down when I told her about a sexual assault I had recently come to acknowledge. This is the same woman who was abducted by a carful of strangers as she walked home one night. She fought and screamed until they kicked her out. Speeding away, they ran over her ankle and left her with a lifetime of physical and emotional pain. This is the same woman who said nothing, who could say nothing as her boss and his friends sexually harassed her for years. This is the same woman who married one of those friends.
When my mother views this scene, she sees her daughter overreacting. She sees me "making a big deal out of nothing." Her concerns lie more in maintaining the status quo and cradling my step-dad's toxic ego than in protecting the shrinking three-year-old in front of her.
When I view this scene, I am both bolstered and dismayed. My own strength and refusal to keep quiet is the result of hundreds, probably thousands of years of women being mistreated, and their protests ignored. It is the result of watching my own mother suffer quietly at the hands of too many men. It is the result of my own mistreatment and my solemn vow to be part of ending this cycle.
It would be so easy to see a little girl being taught that her wishes don't matter. That her body is not her own. That even people she loves will mistreat and ignore her. And that all of this is "okay" in the name of other people, men, having fun.
But. What I see instead is a little girl watching her mama. I see a little girl learning that her voice matters. That her wishes matter. I see a little girl learning that she is allowed and expected to say no. I see her learning that this is not okay.
I hope my mom is learning something, too.
November 21, 2018
Fighting the patriarchy one grandpa at a time."
By Lisa Norgren

My comment in reply -
I have a request for everyone who reads this. Yes it is important. Vital. Imperative. Necessary. But include some compassion and understanding for the grandmother. I am that grandmother. 55. Recently divorced. Abused as a child. Taunted like this girl and my mother hushed and shushed. Told it was ok - that what they were doing was ok while the fear froze me against the cold wall behind with no where to run. The creepiness that I can still feel decades ago when I was only seven. Then my college rape when my mother told me not to be a drama queen. And don't get me started on 30 years of marital abuse. Yet, when I saw it happen to my grand daughter, I didn't stop it. When I saw it happen to my daughter, I didn't stop it. I didn't know. I didn't put the pieces together. I was drowning myself. So have some compassion for women like myself who are trying, retraining their neurons to comprehend and connect those dots. We need help too. If I saw it happen now, after years of therapy, I would stop it. I would defend her or him. Yet, that first rush to hug - it's still there. Habit. Told by my daughter that it's not ok - I need to respect my grand daughters no. Thunderstruck I was. What, she could say no at the age of 2. No to a hug from a member of family. What? How do I handle the guilt trip from that family? How do I survive the taunts, nudges and years of passive/aggressive behavior that would come. I would divorce him is what I do. Please understand, untangling decades of knots takes time.

blunk

I am so sorry that you went through all of this. I also saw this post circulating on FB.

I don't necessarily recall having this kind of attention forced on me, but I do know that it was an expectation in my family. Everyone got a hug and a kiss when you arrived and when you left. I was a pretty easygoing kid, and normally just went along, but I do remember some of my cousins or my brother protesting. And, as I said, while there was no one defining incident, there were some times it just felt (for lack of a better word) "yucky".

I do not have children, but I do have countless cousins, nieces, and nephews. I am always mindful to ask, "do you want to give me a kiss?" or "is it ok if I give you a hug?". Several times I have had the parent try to coax them, saying something like "go ahead and give her a hug". I have always stopped and said, it's up to him/her, or only if they want to. And I don't play the guilt card, making them feel bad about their decision. Instead I suggest they show me their favorite toy, or tell me what they asked santa for. There are more ways to interact and connect with children than physically. It is so important that children realize they are entitled to their own personal space, just like any adult.


SparkStillLit

My pdM forced contact on me, my kids. She even SAID I was "hers" since she birthed me. I had no idea how effed up that statement was.
My DD even as a baby had strong ideas about contact and how she wanted to be held and such. I was FOREVER defending her against PDM. Of course, she had her own defense in the form of earth cracking decibel screams (as a baby). PDM would say something was wrong with her (scapegoating a baby!!! Eyeroll!!!!)
DD shared with me that they talked in group about how cats were good for teaching boundaries. If cats don't want to be touched, you will usually get the sharp end of murder mitts if you continue to bother them. They were mentioning how a lot of controlling/pd people tend not to like cats, because cats won't let you (for the most part) violate their boundaries and control them, particularly in aggressive ways.
We were amused and I said for all future people I allow in my circle, I was letting my personal cat pick. He only likes calm, stable, gentle people. He will not allow people with any kind of a hectic energy (for lack of a better description) to touch him. This includes DD and updh. Our other cat likes everyone, DD in particular, but he lets my cat go first and check it all out. Other cat ADORES DD and lets her carry him upside down like a baby and every manner of nonsense. Since she was on leave he thinks we have her stored in the guest bedroom. Sweet kitty.

Breakthrough

I have seen that post as well.  I have also gotten a few choice words from older ladies at my church for not passing my kids around to them (who I either don't know, or barely know) to cuddle when they were small babies.  Um, sorry, my kids like cuddling with me, and my younger daughter had colic and would have heartbreakingly screamed until I held her.  When I had to go back to work at 6 mo, we had to let my husband take over (he is a SAHD) and it was so awful to hear her screams, because I knew she would settle with me in a few seconds.  She did eventually learn to adore her dad, though she had a strong preference for me for so many months.  I would rush home and wash my hands and go to pick her up.  I think she was around 9 mo when I did this and she cuddled into my husband instead, he was so happy.  I have told my inlaws and my parents the kids will hug you if they choose.  My oldest is very affectionate (probably a mix of nature and having her innocence and body autonomy very carefully guarded by us).  My youngest is much more picky about whom she'll hug.  But my parents in their late 70s have learned to respect her wishes though it was hard for them.  I explained to my mom why it was so important to me (and she understood and agreed).  I think my parents were very protective of us, especially for that generation.  My inlaws were difficult about boundaries and didn't respect my parenting wishes at all for the first 20 mo I was a mother.  It ended in an incident where I put my foot down hard, we didn't see them again for 10 months.  mess with my baby, ok, you don't get access to your grandkids. I put up with her shenanigans when it was just the two of us, but when I started to realize how many boundaries that my inlaws were so disrespectful of, so much so they endangered my little daughter, I was so done with them.  Family doesn't mean you can overpower my kid when she crying no and then carry her down the street and get chased by aggressive dogs. I am the gatekeeper to your access to my kids, just try me, you will get shut down.  It was powerful realizing that.  That incident led to me finding this forum which has helped me though so much of navigating my NMIL.  It was a huge strain on my marriage and took years to navigate, but my husband gets now, leave and cleave, we are a unit, and your parents are your people, so you look after them and stop dumping them on me.  It was very hard to set boundaries because my husband was enmeshed, and a flying monkey, and just elected me to get used to his mom.  Um, no, she's not respecting boundaries, the only way to deal with a PD when they do that is cut them off. 

I am so sorry about your experiences.  Though it's not the same, we had a super creepy uncle that would hug us and pinch our cheeks, my younger sister would hide, his touch was creepy. I am determined my kids will never have those experiences if I have any say.  My girls are learning about boundaries and saying no. I want them to learn they are powerful and their voices matter.  I was raised to keep quiet and not make trouble.  My voice never mattered.  Especially as an Asian girl and the woman, and I experienced plenty of misogyny and racism growing up.  I was just expected to swallow it.  My girls will not be taught that same line.  They matter, they are important their voices are powerful and I will always amplify them.  I am still working on finding my own voice, but if anybody mess with my kids, I find it quick!