does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?

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Jolie40

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does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« on: April 12, 2021, 05:42:16 AM »
if you grew up feeling unloved by PD parent-

when a bad day comes, do you ever suddenly feel like maybe "you really are unloveable?"
be good to yourself

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GettingOOTF

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2021, 08:42:33 AM »
Yes all the time. Iím currently reading Do The Work by Dr Nicole LePera. She writes a lot on how how we were raised by our parents influences how we think about ourselves in terms of whether we are lovable etc. It has been very helpful for me to read. I am slowly seeing that these thoughts are not true and Iíve been working on changing them.

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ArmadilloKate

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2021, 12:06:54 PM »
The wounds are still there and yes get reactivated on bad days to the point where those things feel very true. My particular inner dialogue is a little different than yours but yes I experience the same and when I do it is very intense. Hugs! You are very loveable and I know you know that.

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bostonbound

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2021, 08:29:11 PM »
all. the. time

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2021, 08:58:16 PM »
Yeah I had a bit of that today. I have been feeling tired and I wasnít particularly outgoing with some neighbors. They were deep in their own conversation and more or less left me out. This no big deal thing had me feeling all like I was back in middle school with no friends.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2021, 04:17:26 AM »
unloveable and worthless. Always lurking in the shadows, ready to jump when I feel low.
Another feeling that needs to be suffered through. Now I use Tara Brach's suggestion and greet that feeling with "You too" and focus on my breathing.  Fortunately feelings come and go, even such unpleasant ones.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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BritBritBrit1

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2021, 11:23:27 AM »
Yes, sometimes a voice deep inside me whispers, "If you were worthy, your father would love you unconditionally."  I feel such grief and hopelessness in that moment, but it passes quickly.  I have to remind that voice that I'm not the problem here and that my father is the one who feels unlovable.  It's hard to undo 46 years of thinking, but I'm working on it slowly.

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Leonor

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2021, 11:37:10 AM »
Yes, and here's a nice way to respond when you hear that mean voice in your head:

I love you.



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MarlenaEve

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2021, 11:55:08 AM »
I used to feel that way. However, I have gone through many self-love sessions and learned that if my family couldn't love me that is not a reflection of my ability to be loved, appreciated, and cared for.
I realized that my FOO is so so so different from me (like the day and night), so, I don't take anything they do or say personally. It's ALWAYS about them and their level of self-worth (which is inexistent btw). I can only feel sorry for them nowadays (sometimes I don't have the patience to feel sorry but most days I do. )

I strongly agree with the last comment and advice: to repeat i love you back to that negative, self-critical voice. It works.

You are loved. Whether you know it or not.

 :bighug:
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

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Lisa

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2021, 02:04:46 PM »
Yes. it can at times be a real struggle.
"I'm not good enough" "no-one cares about me" "I don't matter" "I'm invisible" that come with deep feelings of lonlieness and disconnect from others.  It takes a lot of mental work, compassion and sometimes that doesn't work and I am stuck believing those things to be true until it somehow passes.

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Jolie40

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2021, 03:47:54 AM »
thanks to everyone who replied
and  :bighug: back to you!

be good to yourself

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2021, 02:23:29 PM »
You are loved very dearly and please know you can one day feel that from within yourself and love yourself in addition to the many people who do love you
∑ Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
∑ Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
∑ It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

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Dandelion

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2021, 11:40:52 AM »
Not exactly.  I do mostly experience the world as uncaring and ďunlovingĒ though.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2021, 11:42:42 AM by Dandelion »

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sandpiper

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2021, 01:25:26 AM »
When I started T, several decades ago, the therapist asked me why I was there and how she could help me. I burst into tears and when I was finally able to consider what I wanted, I told her that I wanted them to fix me so that I would be someone that my family would love.
The shocked expression on her face will live in my memory forever as 'OMG what the hell kind of people has this poor girl been dealing with, to deliver her into a puddle of tears on my office floor?'
It still comes in waves in rotten moments.
But the expression on that counsellor's face is the best remedy I have to fight it.
I hope you'll imagine it & use my memory every time that rises up.
Abuse is abuse is abuse and the shame for that belongs with others, not with you.  :bighug:

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daughter

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2021, 07:19:14 PM »
My enNF had repeatedly told me, in matter-of-fact tone: "your mother doesn't like you, that's your problem", as if perfectly natural situation entirely removed from his own role as parent. He also told me, after NBM's most severe Big Bad Behavior episodes, when she cruelly and forcefully mistreated me, a dutiful docile SG daughter: "you're not part of our family; we don't care if we ever see you again.  Note, EnNF would say this, and still expect me to dutifully attend to their demands and expectations, as if I wasn't even allowed to have any feelings at all!

I'm NC, of course, but far too late to not have these terrible emotions imprinted upon me.   The obvious harm our parents are willing to inflict is inexcusable. 

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Amadahy

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #15 on: May 06, 2021, 07:46:45 AM »
In a weird way, I think my eating issues (binge eating) stem from self-loathing from Nmom"s abuse.  So frustrating and harmful. 😔
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Boat Babe

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #16 on: May 06, 2021, 08:14:13 AM »
I don't feel unlovable but do feel bad that no-one ever wanted to marry me. I've got great friends and a good relationship with my adult son but no-one has ever fully committed to me and that hurts.
It gets better. It has to.

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Jolie40

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #17 on: May 06, 2021, 06:40:45 PM »
sorry BoatBabe that your wish to marry went unfulfilled

agree daughter & Amadahy- the harm is inexcusable

sandpiper- families should offer unconditional love & it's so wrong when they don't
« Last Edit: May 06, 2021, 06:48:31 PM by Jolie40 »
be good to yourself

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SparkStillLit

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #18 on: May 07, 2021, 01:02:04 PM »
BoatBabe: you dodged a bullet. 😁😁😁

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Boat Babe

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Re: does it ever hit you that you're unloveable?
« Reply #19 on: May 07, 2021, 04:04:58 PM »
BoatBabe: you dodged a bullet. 😁😁😁


Hahahahaha 😜
It gets better. It has to.