Tired of the silent treatment

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Pepin

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Tired of the silent treatment
« on: April 19, 2021, 12:39:31 AM »
One of my siblings has been dishing out the silent treatment.  This isnít the first time.  And now there is definitely a pattern.  I am a bit heartbroken over this actually.  It has been difficult for me to be quiet and I keep trying to initiate conversation.  The most recent replies have been short and offer no reciprocity. 
I am thinking that I might need a break from this sibling but not sure how to do this.  We donít live near each other and texting has been the only means.  Should I block them or just give up conversing? 

I am tired of not being able to have an opinion about something.  I am tired of being told that what I think is wrong.  I am tired of hearing that what I do is not right in their eyes.  I have never treated any of my siblings with disrespect and I have never given them the silent treatment - yet this has been done to me over many years.

We were raised in dysfunction and it has affected us all differently - but again, I have never acted from a place of selfishness or manipulation. 

I really thought that after everything we have been through to date, that we were done with these bad behaviors.
NPD F (overt/covert) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Pepin

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Re: Tired of the silent treatment
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2021, 08:58:25 PM »
I think I am just going to give myself some space.  No more texting for a while unless they initiate.
NPD F (overt/covert) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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bets

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Re: Tired of the silent treatment
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2021, 01:05:09 AM »
Hi, Pepin. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

All three of my siblings give me the "silent treatment." Basically, they only email me once a year, on my birthday, and then only in the briefest possible way. I have no idea why. I was the scapegoat with my parents, and I guess somehow it got passed down. The fact that you actually texted with your sibling is amazing to me! No way would mine ever get that close to me.

Like you, I have reached out over and over, just to be rejected. In my case, I felt a great sense of responsibility, as I was the oldest.  95% of the time, I was incredibly kind and nice and loving to my siblings. The remaining 5% I have apologized for, felt incredibly guilty about, and tried to make amends.

I don't know about you, but until recently, cutting ties seemed completely impossible to me. But I did it recently and I feel fragile but safe. Maybe you'd feel good, too, if you gave yourself some space. Since you suggested it in your post, I wonder if that means it's what you'd like.

In my case I switched from a "What did I do wrong?" mentality to a "How is this affecting me" mentality. I also let go of my belief that my siblings would commit s*cide and I would be responsible. 

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Poppy

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Re: Tired of the silent treatment
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2021, 12:29:11 PM »
I have a similar experience with my sibling.
Years of me trying to keep some semblance of a relationship going. Invitations to dinner, BBQs, suggestions for meet ups, coffee, asking how are yous etc etc with very little reciprocation on her part and met with brief responses, ducking invites, cancelling last minute...

So cruel and nasty. Especially since
when we'd actually meet (always with friends we have in common there as well or at family functions) she would then be the beacon of joy and smiles and fake interest.

Maddening to say the least. And I kept at it. Until I didn't and didn't invite her to my birthday. She found out, called me and literally demanded I "explain myself!"

She didn't like my answer that I wanted to celebrate with friends and not family this year. Granted, this was the first time ever so understandably surprising for her. And if I could have that conversation again, I would be honest and say I wanted to celebrate with the people in my life actually seem to like to spend time with me. And who initiate contact with me as well. 

But what I never expected was that she was angry, dare I even say hurt...?! Anyway she said she needed a break from contact (like we had any, really) and I haven't spoken to her since. Almost 1,5 years. Just like that. Years of rejection, negativity, snide comments, fake smiles in public and baiting me, accusing me of hideous things I never did and the 1 time SHE felt rejected... Gone!
Now she can claim it's something I did maybe? Who knows. It feels like she was waiting for it maybe.

But you know what? It is a blessing. My life is so much more peaceful. More so than I even realized it could be. Her constant rejection, silent treatment and stonewalling had more of an impact than I had realized. And now that I'm free of all that it is so blissful!

I did get text messages on the kids' birthdays and a few other occasions. factual ones, like she's ticking a box. So no one can say she went NC with me or something? Or to keep me on the hook possibly? I don't know and I don't care. I've responded briefly but I don't consider these texts a break of her distance she wanted from me. That would require a face to face chat at least.
But I doubt I even want that now.

Of course it's also sad. Devastating really. That this is the cards I've been dealt in he sibling department. I wish things were different and I miss my nieces and nephew terribly. But I choose to invite people in my life now who bring me joy. Not those who leave me feeling bad.

So I say, hold off on contacting them for a while. No need for telling them anything, just focus on you for a bit and put those relationships on pause, emotionally. See what that brings you! Hit pause on the chasing of something you know will make you feel hurt.

You may upset the apple cart like I did, and you may (also) find a new kind of freedom and courage and strength and happiness.

I'd love to hear how you get on!

 :bighug:
It's never too late to be who you might have been (George Eliot)

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Starboard Song

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Re: Tired of the silent treatment
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2021, 12:35:50 PM »
I am sorry you are going through this.

Take this time to heal a little.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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nanotech

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Re: Tired of the silent treatment
« Reply #5 on: Yesterday at 03:40:00 PM »
I have a similar experience with my sibling.
Years of me trying to keep some semblance of a relationship going. Invitations to dinner, BBQs, suggestions for meet ups, coffee, asking how are yous etc etc with very little reciprocation on her part and met with brief responses, ducking invites, cancelling last minute...

So cruel and nasty. Especially since
when we'd actually meet (always with friends we have in common there as well or at family functions) she would then be the beacon of joy and smiles and fake interest.

Maddening to say the least. And I kept at it. Until I didn't and didn't invite her to my birthday. She found out, called me and literally demanded I "explain myself!"

She didn't like my answer that I wanted to celebrate with friends and not family this year. Granted, this was the first time ever so understandably surprising for her. And if I could have that conversation again, I would be honest and say I wanted to celebrate with the people in my life actually seem to like to spend time with me. And who initiate contact with me as well. 

But what I never expected was that she was angry, dare I even say hurt...?! Anyway she said she needed a break from contact (like we had any, really) and I haven't spoken to her since. Almost 1,5 years. Just like that. Years of rejection, negativity, snide comments, fake smiles in public and baiting me, accusing me of hideous things I never did and the 1 time SHE felt rejected... Gone!
Now she can claim it's something I did maybe? Who knows. It feels like she was waiting for it maybe.

But you know what? It is a blessing. My life is so much more peaceful. More so than I even realized it could be. Her constant rejection, silent treatment and stonewalling had more of an impact than I had realized. And now that I'm free of all that it is so blissful!

I did get text messages on the kids' birthdays and a few other occasions. factual ones, like she's ticking a box. So no one can say she went NC with me or something? Or to keep me on the hook possibly? I don't know and I don't care. I've responded briefly but I don't consider these texts a break of her distance she wanted from me. That would require a face to face chat at least.
But I doubt I even want that now.

Of course it's also sad. Devastating really. That this is the cards I've been dealt in he sibling department. I wish things were different and I miss my nieces and nephew terribly. But I choose to invite people in my life now who bring me joy. Not those who leave me feeling bad.

So I say, hold off on contacting them for a while. No need for telling them anything, just focus on you for a bit and put those relationships on pause, emotionally. See what that brings you! Hit pause on the chasing of something you know will make you feel hurt.

You may upset the apple cart like I did, and you may (also) find a new kind of freedom and courage and strength and happiness.

I'd love to hear how you get on!

 :bighug:
Poppyís experiences are virtually the same as mine- itís uncanny really how similar they are.

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Pepin

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Re: Tired of the silent treatment
« Reply #6 on: Yesterday at 08:38:30 PM »
But you know what? It is a blessing. My life is so much more peaceful. More so than I even realized it could be. Her constant rejection, silent treatment and stonewalling had more of an impact than I had realized. And now that I'm free of all that it is so blissful!


Of course it's also sad. Devastating really. That this is the cards I've been dealt in he sibling department. I wish things were different and I miss my nieces and nephew terribly. But I choose to invite people in my life now who bring me joy. Not those who leave me feeling bad.

Yup.  This is where I am at.  Every now and then I ask myself: what if we didn't see each other anymore, would I be sad?  Honestly, yeah, I am sad for the cards we were dealt, too -- but I can't just keep hanging on to someone that is unable to walk with me in life.  It has been such a one directional relationship in a sense.  And I just can't be a doormat to this sibling anymore to wipe their beliefs all over me and demand that I agree.  My friends and I don't always agree but we don't pin each other down and insist on changing whatever it is in question.  We do what works for us.
NPD F (overt/covert) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.