How could it get worse?

Started by Aeon, May 01, 2021, 03:28:10 PM

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Aeon

Okey-dokey, so uAvPDH has a super meltdown with banging and yelling and telling me he wants a divorce and long story short agrees to go back to therapy. He was trying to work on things on his own but that doesn't pan out when he decides to "lose it". He's been to many therapists in the past 10 years and mostly spent the time complaining about me, of course. I put my little foot down and told him on the last one that I should be let into therapy on a few occasions to make sure it wasn't just an ongoing "woe is me" session. He said that wouldn't work because the therapist wasn't okay with it. So, the therapist was to blame and it became the usual "I am the victim" time.
Do any of you think that this could be done -having me in the the sessions to some extent or should I just let him do whatever and get used to the idea of "no change for the PD"?

I am trying very hard to not keep grasping at the idea that he would ever really want to get better. It seems that they have control over themselves and just find that manipulation is more fun, why else wouldn't anyone want to get better?

bloomie

Aeon - It seems like you may need to have a therapist you see together if you are going to try and work toward certain goals together in a way that respects both of your points of view.

From where I sit, a therapist your H is seeing privately is going to be most dedicated to your H's healing and needs and may find it difficult to juggle intervention and treatment plans if you are stepping in/out to clarify things and get a look at what is going on - unless that is part of the plan. I hope that makes sense.

The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

Aeon

If I'm hearing you right, you don't think that seeing a therapist with him is okay?
I have no idea how he's been seeing private therapists for years and yet no improvement can be detected,.

I suppose if he doesn't want to get better than it doesn't matter if I'm there or not.

Thanks for the help, Bloomie. I've been trying way too hard to try to change the pointless future.

ArmadilloKate

This sounds really really painful, Aeon. You've been so patient, and are not seeing any change after 10 yrs of him being in therapy. Of course you are fed up and doubting if he is really working on getting better!

I think what Bloomie was suggesting is that you get a separate couple's therapist to see you and your partner together rather than inserting yourself into his private therapy sessions, and that sounds like a good idea to me.

((((hugs)))) it sounds very trying and painful

bloomie

Quote from: Aeon on May 01, 2021, 08:18:37 PM
If I'm hearing you right, you don't think that seeing a therapist with him is okay?
I have no idea how he's been seeing private therapists for years and yet no improvement can be detected,.

I suppose if he doesn't want to get better than it doesn't matter if I'm there or not.

Thanks for the help, Bloomie. I've been trying way too hard to try to change the pointless future.


Aeon - I apologize for not being clear. I was thinking that therapy initiated together (couples therapy type thing) would allow you access to what is going on in sessions AND allow a therapist to advocate equally for you and for your H in working through issues.

Whatever you decide, I support you! Only you know what is best for you! Sounds like things have been really hard for a very long time! :hug:

The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

Aeon

Sorry for the late reply (I didn't see it in mail). Thanks for clarifying but I think now it is a bit of a moot point. We've had many (Ooo, mebbe 20 or so) therapist sessions, some him alone, some separate and many together and none have worked out well. Mostly the marriage counseling is all about communication and he can fake that for a few weeks and make idiots (me and the therapist) think it is all better. I appreciate you clearing it up, though.
The problem of accepting that nothing is going to change no matter what I do is where I'm at now. I don't know how a lot of you guys do this, honestly.
Like Armadillo say, it is very trying and painful and I despise the concept of having a roommate for a husband. He's an avoidant, not diagnosed but by his own admission.

I am likely to not be able to leave unAvpdH due to my age and all of the weird measures that need to be done for a PD pseudu-marriage to survive make me feel like it's just a rerun of my chidlhood.
I appreciate the support more than you can know and I'll work harder on doing what I need to -- Thanks  :hug: