New to OOTF and glad to be here

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DoingMyBest

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New to OOTF and glad to be here
« on: May 06, 2021, 02:32:00 PM »
Hello,
I am a single Mom with an adult daughter that has been diagnosed with Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder  within the last month.

This is all new to me as is the realization that my daughter needs help and may not ever be the same as she was before this started again.  It has been very hard as you all know already in some ways, and it was so nice to find this website with all of the resources and information.  Very  helpful!

My daughter is currently hospitalized for the second time.  She was discharged from the first stay on 4/26.  This time she is mad at me and does not call me or want me to visit.  This is very hurtful as we always had a very open, great relationship.  But if this is what is needed to help her be independent and live her own life and be her own person then it is worth it!

She has started medication but it is a low dosage so not really helping yet.  She has told me that when she gets out of the hospital she will be going back to college which is about a 3 hour drive away and can no longer be around me or live with me.  Seems she is blaming me for all of this.  Her Dad was emotionally and verbally abusive to both of us and she blames me for not leaving him sooner than I did.  We left when she was a freshman in high school.

I blame myself and buy into her verbal abuse of me.  She manipulates me and I have a very hard time setting and enforcing rules and setting boundaries.  I am so stressed by her behavior even though she is not here since yesterday it has taken me a day to get to the point where I am finally letting go of some of that stress slowly but surely.  In some ways her behavior towards me feels like I am back living with my abusive ex-husband.  I know I am going to have to get tough with her and it is not going to be easy.  I hope she stays in the hospital for a few days so I can unwind and find myself again after all we have been through.

She has not told her Dad anything about any of this so I am on my own but always have been even when we were married.

I feel this is a safe place to say all of this hopefully without judgement and if that turns out to be true that will be nice.

Thankful to be here...

DoingMyBest

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xredshoesx

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Re: New to OOTF and glad to be here
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2021, 07:47:49 PM »
welcome to the group and i am glad you found us despite the circumstances that brought you here.

it must be so difficult to watch your daughter struggle but at the same time it would be understandable if you are feeling some relief for finally having some answers as to why she is the way she is, and hopefully the meds can help her as she learns to cope with the new normal of knowing about her diagnosis.  i think it's so important for you to take some time to make sure you are being gentle with yourself and getting the self care you need to heal as well.  i know it hasn't been an easy road for you to get to this place based on what has been shared, and i want you to keep telling yourself there is nothing you could or couldn't do, did or didn't do that made your daughter the way she is.  we can't controll someone's PD, we can't cure someone's PD and we didn't cause it either.

genetics? who knows if she is like her dad or not- it's not for us to say-  both my biological mother and her mother are most likely PD- i always am concerned I could have been that way too, but i also had to make conscious choices from my early adult years to get the help and support i need to not react to thing like them and even now, 25+ years of no contact later, i call my therapist the minute after i hear my mother coming out of my mouth, so some of what your daughter is doing and experiencing can be within her locus of control if she is willing to try and do the work. 

i know the other parents here can benefit from your wisdom and experiences that you've learned along the way-  and we are listening when you are ready to share more.

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IcedCoffee

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Re: New to OOTF and glad to be here
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2021, 11:26:19 PM »
Welcome. As xredshoesx says, it's great that there's a diagnosis. That means you can get some professional help, and I believe that makes all the difference. So the prognosis is probably better than you imagine right now.

Meanwhile, read everything you can about the subject. I'm married to an uBPDw so my perspective is different. But I've found the books to be almost life-changing in giving an understanding of how a pwBPD thinks, and how to interact with them.