Life's work

Started by PAY, May 11, 2021, 07:26:07 AM

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PAY

I am reflecting on my STBXuNPDH and my mom and my life.  I started to realize my mom was likely uBPD in early 2000.  I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  It was all there.  Helped me understand.  I lived many states away so was able to minimize my contact.  Still ~ I might have a good visit and have expectations and the next visit would be crazy and I'd be in tears.
Fast forward, I married someone much like my mother (no surprise).  I have recently separated and am in the process of divorcing someone I feel is NP.  Like my mother, he has anger issues.  I am afraid of anger.  I become "small" and try to get out of the way and not do or say anything to rock the boat.

Yesterday, in mediation, my H accused me of being dishonest in the last year-saying that he didn't realize what was going on-that he lacked clarity and NOW wants to enter into couples counseling (we saw 2 different therapists and a mediator last year, all at $$).  I woke up this am obsessing about my role and my need to be more honest in relationships.  Was I withholding?  Yes.  I was.  I was afraid of his reaction.  And however, as mentioned, we saw 2 different therapists together (fired by one).  He came on zoom and raged at every session with the 2nd.  When I was honest, clear and direct about how I was feeling, he likely couldn't hear it because he was so consumed with his own emotions.
So after wrestling with feeling guilty this morning about "my part", I also then realized I had accepted unacceptable behavior for far too long.
However, I've been primed or programmed to be afraid of angry or loud people.  And at the same time, I seem to tolerate such behavior as "normal" because that's what I grew up with.
I am in my mid-60's now.  I have been in therapy and Al-anon recovery for many many years.  I didn't get married until I was in my 40's and then married for over 20 years.  How in the heck do I change this programming and stop attracting or being attracted to BP people?  How do I learn to walk away/stand up for myself/not be afraid of how the other person is going to respond?
I'd love to hear what you are doing with this regard.

Boat Babe

It takes time and it is worth the effort!

I am about your age and not good with conflict, have deep seated codependency issues around romantic relationships, which I am still grappling with and am Uber sensitive to rejection. I am also pretty kick arse these days and am proud of who I have become. Seems you can be both!

If you can afford it, get yourself a good therapist. Nothing like it. Take up mindfulness meditation. I went on a course at my local Buddhist centre, which was brilliant and not religious in any sense.  Read some good books on the subject. I have just finished "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" and it's a cracker of a book.  There are some good recommendations on the relevant part of the forum. Lots of stuff online too.

People here offer wonderful advice and share their stories with honesty and compassion. I love this forum.

See you on the boards.
It gets better. It has to.

notrightinthehead

The way I handle it,  I stay away from romantic relationships. I am not looking for one to replace my H.  I do not trust my gut, I believe it will lead me straight back to an abuser.  I am looking for friendships,  people to spend time with that show me respect and that  I like. Really like, not put up with or tolerate.
Like you I am scared of anger. That is how I survived my childhood. Now I remove myself from angry people. They can have a temper tantrum as much as they want, I am just not there to witness it.
Good luck to you!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

tragedy or hope

I am with you PAY,
I don't speak up for fear of anger. It is about rejection for me. When I was growing up, anger was used to stop me from feeling. "Go to your room if you are going to cry, I don't want to see it..."
Now on the other hand, sometimes I am very confrontational, but it is not about my feelings, it is about behaviors. Speaking of feelings is not safe for me, I get anger, rejection and denial that I could possibly feel any way except joy.

I have learned, this will not change entirely. I have to find people who will care for my feelings. Usually it is not my spouse although he swears he cares... until it gets real. He denies ever hurting me or justifies himself and never "means to" which is a lie. He can be pretty brutal emotionally.

I dont know that I have given myself up, but I quit caring so much. This person could have had a much richer life with lots more caring and love from me, but he does not deserve it. If I give all of me away... he walks all over me. I have reconciled myself to a certain kind of relationship. it is not a fairytale, but... I have many good things in my life once I realized he is capable of little.

I don't know what you are looking for but over the years I have realized that the romance is a small part of the whole picture. IMO women are programmed to think that we need more from a man than he is capable of giving and spend a lot of life rejecting some good moments.

It is not wrong to have any feelings, wants or desires. We get what God allows, we learn, we grow...

If I got what I wanted all the time I would eat ice cream and pizza till I popped without gaining an ounce. An unwise choice of course. I believe we are here to learn about who we are as others respond and interact with us. You are not bad, wrong or too sensitive. You are who you are supposed to be, IMO it's just that what we think we need we don't always get. That could be a good thing in the long run.  :unsure:


"When people show you who they are, believe them."
~Maya Angelou

Believe it the first time, or you will spend the rest of your life in disbelief of what they can/will do; to you. T/H

Family systems are like spider webs. It takes years to get untangled from them.  T/H

1footouttadefog

As far as avoiding PDs, and not attracting them I use time.

I ha e found that just keeping things slow filters out of Lot of potentially bad interactions.

I also now understand that my attraction, if it feels like the old way of feeling when in the fog, is a red flag moment.

When I feel that same pull that would hBe sent me quickly into a new friendship or such, I see it as a time to hit the breaks and let some time pass and not to jump right in.

A lot of pds like to quickly enmesh themselves with their new supply.  This time filter helps.