Well, so, this is new

[SparkStillLit]

Updh has taken aside each member of the immediate family, apologised to them for the harm he has done them, and told them he is disordered and entering therapy.
He keeps doing it every time he displays crappy behavior.
He's had many discussions with me.
He has made T and MD appointments. He thinks he has BPD & depression and he told the professionals so.
I am cautiously optimistic. (Because that's my nature. The optimistic part. The caution because I've learned to be so.)
He knows that this will be long and maybe forever, and he knows that nobody trusts him right now, and he is thus far accepting every time we all "flinch back" expecting poor behavior, or getting poor behavior that he corrects and apologises for.
He's NEVER done this. The last time he worked on himself with fairly good results, it was just entirely because he couldn't stand himself anymore. He never noticed or acknowledged global family collateral damage.

[square]

I'm cautiously optimistic for you. I really hope this leads to some real, lasting improvement for both of you.

Are you one of the "immediate family" he has taken aside?

[IcedCoffee]

How did you react? What did you say to him when he told you? And most important of all, how did this happen?!

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi Spark, I'd be cautiously hopeful too. The key thing is that he has admitted to having bpd. That alone is massive. I've always felt that if only I could get my pdH to actually accept his diagnosis, things could possibly start to change.

I experienced something a little similar, when we had been married for about a year, pdH called a family meeting and apologised to everyone for his behaviour, and disclosed he was depressed. BUT the key difference is he did not disclose his diagnosis of bpd (another 4 years till I found that one out) and also he was not planning to see a T. His apology was merely a ploy to gain sympathy. In fact, a couple of days after his big apology/part-confession, he was angry that people were not giving him sympathy, and were not cutting him enough slack 'in light of his condition'. However, in your case the fact that he is admitting to having bpd AND seeking help sounds really hopeful.

I guess time will tell if he follows through with therapy- which will be tough, and a lifelong commitment. DBT is meant to be the best therapy for bpd. There are some great videos on YouTube by Med Circle- here is one but loads of others too that might help

https://youtu.be/kNi9bEeFOQU

[SparkStillLit]

I was scared, and yes, I am one of the people.
He was reading up trying to help YA and he thought to himself "that's not her, THAT'S ME" and he kept reading further and further. He has an appt with T who specializes in DBT and PDs. Or, well, who specializes in PDs. The bio read like she helps people with PDs.

I thought it was going to be a hoover/love bomb, and I fully expected the "excuse my bad behavior" or "you're not giving me any credit for". THUS FAR, that has not happened. He continues to take responsibility, and expect nothing back from anyone.
I mean, it's not like he magically quit being PD, and undesirable behavior leaks back, so I still apply the tools as necessary, but they work way better, are less necessary, my boundaries are for different things and some of them don't have to be slammed up over and over and OVER, which is exhausting. Cautious resting along with cautious optimism.

[SparkStillLit]

As for what I said, it's kind of been ongoing conversation. He writes things down to take to the therapist. Apologises for them. Gently touches me if I wish.
The very first conversation I said very little. I was terrified out of my socks. "What new devilry is this??!!"

[losingmyself]

Oh, Spark, this sounds hopeful. I understand your cautious feelings, though.
I'm hoping and praying that this is good for everyone in your family, and can give you some much deserved peace.
Best wishes
LM

[1footouttadefog]

Cautious optimism is called for.

So often pds use the therapy and learn g about themselves process as a means to gain narcissistic supply from others.

They might have an audience at work or elsewhere or even crave brownie points from the therapist.

[square]

I'm in a somewhat similar, though still a bit different, situation. I shouldn't still be hanging around this place, but... sigh. Here I am.

One thing you might be struggling with, I wonder, is how to react, specifically how to reward. Because if you overreward, this could just be a new expectation that you supply in exchange for his so-called improvement, which undermines everything.

OTOH, if he really is sincere and ready to put in the work, getting positive feedback really is a big thing. Hard for anyone to make big changes and feel like it's for nothing, and even harder for someone who has used the PD playbook for years/life.

Our SOs are different and the circumstances of their change was different. For me, after a couple months of continued MC on my part, I did both become more affectionate (initiating hugs and holding hands) which had been basically absent for years, but also allowing myself to occasionally express a few, selective frustrations more than I would have. In my case, I've been amazed to experience healthy conflict that didn't go out of bounds and were resolved.

These were both integral to starting to rebuild trust. (Just started.)

It's been 3 months now and my guard is still up. I don't know the limits or how far I can trust.

So again I do hope this is something that will improve for you in the long term. Keep your guard up, even if the future is bright, you can't suddenly drop your burdens now. Even if this is the real deal he won't be able to just pick it up for you. He may also slip and you may feel betrayed - like it was all a total lie. Well, I dunno, it may come to be that, but if he's really trying you'll have to be able to keep yourself together if he slips. MC all the way. If you let your guard down, only a little bit and only sometimes.

[Lauren17]

Spark, I hope that all is going well for you.
I've been trying to imagine my response if H came to this realization. I can't.
Hoping you have T or trusted friend to talk through your feelings and reactions here.

[SparkStillLit]

I do have T and friends too. It's very surreal and I'm still in "holding pattern". I'm just taking what is given with a grain of MC.
When...like...I don't know...6 mos have gone by? and we've not had fits and rages and other such fare as I'm used to, then I may consider new leaves are being overturned and act accordingly.
Don't get me wrong, I reward better behaviors, but I'm not into acting as if the PD is mysteriously gone, and all these YEARS of maltreatment can be erased as if they never happened, and I'm not wounded and scarred and have weird reactions from it.

[Boat Babe]

I'm glad you're not getting suckered by this. Like you said, if it's genuine then he can get on and do this and be a better person. You two, as a couple however ARE DONE.

[SonofThunder]

I do have T and friends too. It's very surreal and I'm still in "holding pattern". I'm just taking what is given with a grain of MC.
When...like...I don't know...6 mos have gone by? and we've not had fits and rages and other such fare as I'm used to, then I may consider new leaves are being overturned and act accordingly.
Don't get me wrong, I reward better behaviors, but I'm not into acting as if the PD is mysteriously gone, and all these YEARS of maltreatment can be erased as if they never happened, and I'm not wounded and scarred and have weird reactions from it.

Hello Spark,

I don't have any additional input other than what has already been stated, but am interested in this thread.  My PDw became aware of PD's just under 2 years ago, in having to deal with her PDsister when their father was dying and also in my PDfather's behaviors.  It was odd to hear very frustrated PD manipulation  discussions coming from my PDwife.....when she does the very same things to me, and doesn't even recognize it. 

I'm of the opinion that my PDwife would, at last resort, state the same things as your PDhusband, to gain sympathy from others, as a 'victim' of the disorder, and use the 'victim' facade to hide behind as she waited for a while for everyone to settle down and then begin manipulation of me in our inner-circle, in very covert methods, while everyone in more outer-circles continues to get the 'victim'.  My wife is very covert in many ways of her manipulation. 

SoT

[SparkStillLit]

SoT he is currently still seeing a T and *not* trying to be a victim. He has continued to notice on his own, ways he has damaged us, acknowledge them and apologize and try to make what reparations he can. He has been taking responsibility for his own behavior. If we say we are hurt, he backs up immediately and apologizes.
This is all brand new behavior. But see above. I remain wary, he knows it and accepts it as his due for the damage he's done. He knows trust won't be rebuilt quickly if ever, but he hopes.

[SparkStillLit]

He's also seen MD and gotten on meds fordepression. Something he was always violently opposed to (as well as seeing T).
Another thing he says is that he has not only maltreated me, but essentially emotionally "waterboarded" me, and he's trying to give me my life back that he took. We are not a "couple" right now, but starting over at "becoming friends".
These are the things he says. Oh and no s*x demands. He has work to do there in T. I AM SO RELIEVED!!!!!!! SO!!!!!! RELIEVED!!!!!!!! That right there is a huge load off.

[Lauren17]

Spark, this is an amazing story.
I wish you strength and courage for the best possible outcome.
You deserve it!

[Aeon]

It would wonderful if this works out for you Spark.

My unAvpdH has appeared to be conscious of his having a PD but goes no further and than short appearances of being 'nice'.
No real investment in change for him.
I count myself as one of those that wait with baited breath to see what happens.

[SonofThunder]

He's also seen MD and gotten on meds fordepression. Something he was always violently opposed to (as well as seeing T).
Another thing he says is that he has not only maltreated me, but essentially emotionally "waterboarded" me, and he's trying to give me my life back that he took. We are not a "couple" right now, but starting over at "becoming friends".
These are the things he says. Oh and no s*x demands. He has work to do there in T. I AM SO RELIEVED!!!!!!! SO!!!!!! RELIEVED!!!!!!!! That right there is a huge load off.

As yourself and others have stated, this is quite an amazing turn of events and hope for you, that it is not a facade and that it is lasting.   Thank you for sharing and enjoy.

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

Stay strong, hope for the best but do t fall back into a foggy bog.

[SparkStillLit]

There was a dust up last night and this morning. I'm not all surprised by setbacks and falling straight into PD behavior. I whipped out MC and broken record bland statements and things went about as well as to be expected.
There were some what I think were genuine apologies.
While I feel bad about this, I certainly do have all my boundaries firmly up.
I have discussed all this with T and we talked about some risks I could take that weren't too scary.
She also said that he does at this time appear to be genuine, but this is EXTREMELY RARE.
I don't want all of you following along to let this keep you in an ugly situation.
Please protect yourselves.