I really have to let go of any expectations when it comes to my mother.

Started by Boat Babe, May 18, 2021, 05:42:41 PM

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Boat Babe

Phone call with waify uBPDmum tonight. I tried to explore her thoughts on her own personal growth as she seemed in a good mood. She just about understood my question but was virtually incapable of giving me an answer. I don't know if she has any real understanding of the idea, or hasn't the vocabulary. She quickly changed the subject.

Then, she said something about my son, her grandson's health and I tried to connect with her emotionally over previous serious (leukaemia serious) illness and treatment and what I had gone through as my boy's mum.  She just could not engage. She deflected the conversation, dragged it back to herself somehow, brought up something tangential.  I now "observe not absorb" so even as I am saying all this emotional stuff I see that my mother is sliding all over the subject and cannot, some how, meet my need for comfort, support, positive feedback,  There's places she will not or cannot go.

When will I ever cease expecting more than she will not or cannot give?
It gets better. It has to.

Andeza

I watched a Youtube video, forgive me I forget which one because I watch too dang many some times, that dove a bit into the thought process of people with BPD. I think you are absolutely right. She can't. The speaker was explaining that BPD seems almost to separate the ability of the individual to turn over thoughts and make considerations from the ability to act on those things. So she hears what you're saying, but she's incapable of then acting on it appropriately. At least, without some heavy duty growth and therapy to help reunite those two functions. Therefore, she goes into the old rut of taking the conversation back to her.

Mine did that. A therapist asked me if it was possible to steer the conversation when I felt it sliding that way. I informed the therapist there was no slide, it was a clean pitch off the side of a cliff into PDland.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

notrightinthehead

....When will I ever cease expecting more than she will not or cannot give?.....

My answer to that is - probably never.  It is very reasonable to expect emotional closeness with ones mother.  That is the standard formula in our society.  We are probably hard wired to expect that.  So don't beat yourself up for having that expectation.

I suggest that next time you become aware of that expectation and the sadness that it has been denied to you,  you take this as a sign that some serious self mothering, self soothing, self love is necessary.  I physically put my arms around me, like in a hug,  I give myself nice supportive messages, I look in the mirror and tell myself 'I love you'. 

It's like when you realize that others have two arms and you only have one,  there is a void.  Every time you are confronted with this truth it hurts a bit. And you need to comfort yourself and give yourself courage to go on.

I can't hate my way into loving myself.

Spring Butterfly

"When will I ever cease expecting more than she will not or cannot give?"

When you're ready. One thing that helped me was realizing that being mentally or emotionally unable to give it's no different then a physical limitation. If someone was blind I would not demand they tell me what color was an object I'm holding. If someone was deaf I wouldn't speak to them louder in the hopes that they would hear me. If someone has a heart condition and chooses not to take medication or adjust their diet according to what their doctor recommends and suffered debilitating health consequences as a result I would be sad for them but it would be on them having made their decisions.

When I came to respect their humanity and honor their choice to stay stuck it was a turning point. When I realized it was not on me as their offspring to raise them it was another turning point. When I realized it was not my responsibility to fill the deep chasm in their soul that their own trauma had caused but it was on them to heal their own inner child it was a turning point. The fact that they chose to ignore their trauma and let their inner child continue to rage is their decision. It makes me sad but it's still their decision.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage — prep beforehand and make time after to heal
blog for healing

Sneezy

Quote from: Spring Butterfly on May 19, 2021, 05:50:12 AM
When I realized it was not on me as their offspring to raise them it was another turning point. When I realized it was not my responsibility to fill the deep chasm in their soul that their own trauma had caused but it was on them to heal their own inner child it was a turning point. The fact that they chose to ignore their trauma and let their inner child continue to rage is their decision. It makes me sad but it's still their decision.
This is so true it hurts.

I think many of us have been raised to be the fixers in our family.   We see someone, like our mother, who is in obvious pain, and we reflexively want to help.  But as you say, just as someone with a medical condition may choose not to take their medication and thus suffer the consequences, we need to realize that it is up to them to heal their own inner child.

In addition to feeling sad, it is also infuriating to feel like we are obligated to fix them.  Again, it's how we were raised, to care for and fix them.  But we can't fix them.  And it's not our job to fix them.

So, what do we do?  For me, I try to keep my boundaries firm and my medium chill on.  And there can be long stretches of time when things go well.  Sometimes I get lulled into thinking that my mom and I may have a somewhat normal relationship.  But somethings always ends up happening that reminds me that this will never be the case.

It's sad.  And my inner child mourns the mother I wish I'd had.  But it's life.  And so we go on and accept the things we can not change.

Cat of the Canals

Quote from: Sneezy on May 19, 2021, 09:46:14 AM
So, what do we do?  For me, I try to keep my boundaries firm and my medium chill on.  And there can be long stretches of time when things go well.  Sometimes I get lulled into thinking that my mom and I may have a somewhat normal relationship.  But somethings always ends up happening that reminds me that this will never be the case.

I get lulled the same way.

The lack of emotional closeness with my PD mother is especially strange because I get a clear sense that she WANTS more closeness with me but is unwilling/unable to give it back. So there's this constant implied demand that I open up to someone who has never opened up to me...

Boat Babe

The pathology of personality disorders really plays out in relationships, be they family, romantic or otherwise. At best they just can't do it and we are left wanting. At worst, they are abusive and we are left damaged.

Thanks everyone for input. I feel so heard here.  Wishing you all well today.❤️❤️❤️
It gets better. It has to.

Spring Butterfly

" It's sad.  And my inner child mourns the mother I wish I'd had.  But it's life.  And so we go on and accept the things we can not change."

Yes eventually we learn. Many here tend to go back and keep trying but eventually we realize. Recently I wrote a blog like some people are so damaged it's like a feral cat, we want to love them but eventually we get scratched enough and we finally learn this poor kitty is so damaged we can only love and wish it peace from a distance and let it live out it's life
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage — prep beforehand and make time after to heal
blog for healing

DM178

Wow, I am going to read the reply's in this strand over and over again...so many gems here....

During my morning meditation today, this was the lesson, and it blew me away because I know I am so far away from embracing it and making it part of my emotional response:

The lesson was called "The Feeling Blame Game"
1. The other person's feelings are not about me
2. The other person's feelings are about their needs
3.  My feelings are indicators that my needs are not being met in some way

This lesson has kept me thinking all day about how I respond to my own UPBDM and other family members...because I, like you, get sad and 'want something different from them. I started journaling about what I am needing, when I have this situation happen and it makes me sad..angry..etc

Where I fall short...is that I have not put a plan into place of doing something about the information I find out about myself in these situations....I think that would help me break this cycle.....because at that point..I am able to offer to myself what I am not getting from the other person...

It's tough stuff! So very abnormal...thanks for sharing your situation and for so many wonderful responses and support!
"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." – Viktor Frankl

moglow

Boat Babe, I've struggled with that too. I want to let go of my expectation rather than get upset  about it, but it's hard. Like others mentioned, we expect more because these are our parents. How can they NOT connect with us, their own children? How do they simply not have that gene, that connection, having raised us? But no - I'd reach out, try to connect and BLAM! abrupt change of direction into superficial, mundane bs, as if I weren't literally in the middle of voicing a sentence/question. That "clean pitch off the side of the cliff into PDland" is too familiar to me - couldn't have said it better.

I question myself in those moments, see myself as deficient. I know that's not entirely true but on another level ... I know something in me is lacking.

Y'all shared some good stuff here, things I badly needed to read and absorb too.
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"Expectations are disappointments under construction." ~Capn Spanky, The Nook circa 2005ish