Nipping hording in the bud

[JustKeepTrying]

I am so sorry square and I hope you can find a way around this for all of you. 

[Boat Babe]

This is heartbreaking to read Square. I'm so sorry.

  As ever in these situations, my advice is to imagine your best friend/sister in this situation. How would you advise her? What would you say to her? How would you counter her "But ....." answers?

Also, get a piece of paper and write two timelines, starting from right now. One is a stay timeline, the other a leave timeline. Where will you and DD be in six months, one year, five years?

Sometimes, the only person you can save is yourself (and DD). 

[square]

Thank you, CotC, I started the video and it was sounding good. Had to do some other stuff but will get back to it.

Thank you, JKT.

Good thoughts, BB. I do have to come up with a plan. The first item to preparefor is a talk that is already scheduled for a few weeks from now. So I need to use this time to figure out things like what my red line is, what must happen, what will I do if it falls short a little or a lot.

Unfortunately it's very hard because I believe I'm looking at a neurological issue. And I honestly just don't want to leave him. I don't. I may need to but I don't want to. So I'm also considering options like leaving the home but not divorcing and framing it as something softer. Or, I dunno, just something.

However, I posted to kick myself in the backside because I am resolved to face this and not just passively let it all slide like I've been doing for six years. I am going to come up with a plan and set boundaries. The boundaries may not (but may) include divorce, but it will be something *I* actively choose and not just let happen to me.

Will post more prolly in a new thread when I'm ready. Will be in Chosen Relationships rather than Common Behaviors but I'll note that people who usually post in the FOO areas are very welcome to add their thoughts, cause I'll need 'em.

[JustKeepTrying]

I'm sure you are doing all of this already but like BB suggested - also move ahead on legal and financial fronts.  Consider consulting a lawyer to see you can stay in the marriage and protect your assets; if it is a mental issue can you do something with the inventory and not be financially accountable - return it/bankruptcy/etc.  There are legal remedies that you may be unaware of so you stay married and stay afloat.  You may need to look at a type of conservatorship or something?  Not sure I got that right.  A lawyer would know.   Also see if you can separate the business from the personal finances - until you talk to a few lawyers you won't know.  Separation may not protect your finances.  You are wise and savy enough to know what to do in terms of boundaries etc.  I know you got that.  I will keep sending you hope!

[notrightinthehead]

Square, I find this confusing. You are so scared of him that you dare not bring up that it bothers you when his boxes are cluttering the house. You think he has some brain damage and cannot understand the financial problems he has created. You are scared to mention that to him because you are scared that this realization will destroy him.  Sounds to me that you are  making a lot of sacrifices to protect someone you are mostly scared of.
Do you have a safe place where you can take a break from being scared? Do you have access to information on how to protect your and your daughter's assets? It might really be time to get some legal support.

[square]

Yes, I am making a lot of sacrifices and have gotten unrecognizably passive. In my old life I faced problems head on and made plans and dealt with things. Now I have allowed so much to just slide by and have gotten good at being an ostrich.

My safe place is my mom's and am going today (planned for months, not relatedto this problem).

On the surface it's been quite peaceful in this house this year. We have not had much conflict, and the few times he lashed out at me a bit he apologized.

However, I feel unable to take control of my own life. This is a Me problem and not a Him problem ultimately.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Just FYI - Check this out with an attorney, but it used to be that a legal separation would protect you financially without the necessity of a divorce.  I did this in my first marriage for a while and it really alleviated a lot of debt-related stress and anxiety for me.  It also made the divorce much easier when I finally decided that's what I wanted to do.