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« on: June 06, 2021, 12:38:34 PM »
I'm really fortunate.  I moved out March 1, so I've been out 3 months.  I had only my 2nd bout with loneliness the other night.  (Fear of loneliness definitely kept me in the marriage longer than I might have stayed otherwise).  How do you deal with/manage loneliness?
I don't have children or grandchildren.  I don't have family here in this area.  I DO have a lot of friends ~ but you know, not everyone is around/free/available at a drop of a hat when I need company-lol.
I did get motivated during this bout and sign up for a class I was only thinking about before. 
I think I just need to keep reminding myself that it will pass-cos it does-it just doesn't feel like it in the moment.
I have another post/question to ask and will do so separately.

I look forward to hear how you problem-solve this singles dilemma.



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Re: Loneliness
« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2021, 02:40:21 PM »

I used to get lonely frequently and still do occasionally but it is getting better over time.

I make, and I realize it sounds trite, gratitude lists and post them around the house.  Or little sticky notes in bright colors to catch my attention.  I journal daily - just a complete brain dump - every night so that I can go to bed with a clear mind.

I also listen to books on tape and binge tv shows that my ex would've scoffed at.  And I have been known to put up my middle finger to his imaginary figure. 

The pandemic makes it hard to see friends now but prior I knew there would be nights I would be lonelier - like weekend nights or lazy Sunday afternoons - so I would arrange an outing or dinner out.  Some preplanning helped.



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Re: Loneliness
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2021, 03:27:37 PM »

I have 2 pre-teen children, but will admit that even when they are present, which is most of the time, I still sometimes miss the company of another adult. I had this feeling for about the last 10 years of my marriage, too, though. That part is actually better than before, having the crazy-making gone. 

In the year after uPDxh moved out, I was totally alone EOW, in COVID/self-induced isolation.  I spent that time doing many of the things mentioned above.  I journaled, found new podcasts, guided meditations, tv shows, etc. I also spent as much time as possible outdoors, hiking, biking, and working in my yard.  One thing specifically about my journalingÖI worked on how I ended up where I was, then chose to willingly and lovingly release any feelings that werenít to my highest good, such as guilt, resentment, etc.  I then focused on action steps for where I wanted my life to head next.

Please be gentle with yourself! Best wishes!
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, Iíll rise.
óMaya Angelou



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Re: Loneliness
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2021, 11:41:28 PM »
Organize meetups in an area of your interest.  For me it s soccer. I am running a team in a league, practices. Dog meetups, etc, Anything



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Re: Loneliness
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2021, 03:58:42 AM »
it is a challenge, agreed

however the loneliness in a relationship is worse than the loneliness outside of one

it just means it is a signal that you need to find something to do to meet your own needs rather than somebody elses for a change- and usually we dont know how to do that

i dont really notice so much now- 5 years later- but it prob only took a year or so

i kept a countdown to celebrate how long i was out

also i tried to find things i liked to do

otherwise the weird thing is get up walk around the block a bit and tire yourself and then you will find the feeling vanishes a bit

you need recovery time

keep on going it gets easier!



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Re: Loneliness
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2021, 05:59:11 AM »
Loneliness comes on occasionally but truthfully Iíve always loved having my own time by myself. Maybe coming from a large family where you couldnít be alone or feel lonely if you tried. When I do I reach out to my siblings who have been my rock, especially through my divorce. I have been fortunate that way and my sisters all live within an hour of me. But they all have their own lives so when loneliness comes I also Work on my art, do yoga and meditation as it all help as well.
But my new thing will be getting a dog now that Iím settled into my new home. Iíve always had a pet, which my ex and kids ended up with our dog. They force you to get out for walks and itís a great way to meet other people at maybe a dog park.


Boat Babe

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Re: Loneliness
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2021, 03:45:32 PM »
Dogs are bloody brilliant 🐕🐕🐕
It gets better. It has to.


Associate of Daniel

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Re: Loneliness
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2021, 08:00:05 PM »
Nearly 9 years since uNPD exH left... I still get lonely.  But I was lonlier in the marriage than I ever have been since.

I need more time alone than the average person, I think. Partly due to my job (I'm surrounded by noisy, chaotic children all day), and partly due to the head noise of the pds.  I'm also an introvert.

The times I feel lonely are generally only after a hard day.  I just need to be able to walk into someone's arms. Maybe he could have cooked dinner for me by then.

The rest of the time I'm generally ok.

It gets easier with time.  A dog would be nice though!




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Re: Loneliness
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2021, 12:36:08 PM »
Loneliness is hard.  I've been out a year and a half and still get lonely.  I miss companionship.  I want to watch something on tv (that isnt on NickJr) with someone and talk about it.  The times it hits me hardest are when I am struggling with both kids and the realities if single parenting, and also when I see something, like a meme or an article that I know he'd really like, but I am modified no contact, so I dont get to share it.

All of that said, it isnt that I really miss HIM.  I definitely dont miss the way I was treated, walking on eggshells, etc..  I miss the idea of what I thought we had/would have had.  I miss having a partner...though, I never really did. 

It is totally normal to feel lonely.  Just dont confuse loneliness with truly wanting a relationship with your ex.