Not sure whether to have NMum stay

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Hattie

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Not sure whether to have NMum stay
« on: June 16, 2021, 07:54:54 PM »
So after several months of restrictions, we are now allowed to move around and meet indoors in the UK. So my mum is agitating for a visit. I talked to my therapist about it and she thinks that I should say no, and stay low contact with my family. I'm not sure what to do. Part of me just wants to get the visit over with so that I can have "done my duty" for the next few months, but I am pretty much dreading it.

There is also the possibility of a weekend away with her and my brother's family. That feels more manageable. But my sister in law is dragging her feet about it, and it is a logistical nightmare to organise... so that is stressing me out too.

I tend to deal with my mum by using Grey Rock but I think I'm getting tired of it.
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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nanotech

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Re: Not sure whether to have NMum stay
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2021, 08:40:05 PM »
If you’re dreading it, why say yes? What would you be looking for or expecting from the visit? Have a really good think. I think your therapist is the one to listen to. You’re under no obligation to have her stay or go on holiday.
Families are supposed to be uplifting and supportive. It shouldn’t feel like a ‘have to’.

I used to ‘do my duty’ and attend family ‘parties’, but it got me nothing but more abuse, and my heart would ache afterwards. I always got really wound up about going beforehand too.
 Now that drama isn’t part of my life any more.  I don’t see my FOO except for low contact with Ndad (when my husband is always present so that Ndad behaves).
Grey rock is amazing, but it’s really hard to maintain 24/7. It needs to be operated from a well kept distance.  Take care whatever you decide- but I wouldn’t do either.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2021, 08:44:55 PM by nanotech »

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moglow

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Re: Not sure whether to have NMum stay
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2021, 08:54:36 PM »
Define "have her stay"? I'd need pre-defined limits/terms of said stay, boundaries and ground rules, contingency plan should someone severely overstep. To me it would be  more palatable to meet somewhere neutral for a visit - a few hours max - than dive off into a stay, particularly if she's known to trounce over your clearly stated wishes. I tend to look at this as going out with friends - I need an exit strategy! I want my own space and transportation so if all goes south I'm not left stranded or stuck with someone else and no way out short of mayhem. I for sure don't want to be trapped in a car with someone for hours, when I want nothing more than to get away from them!
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: Not sure whether to have NMum stay
« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2021, 09:43:37 PM »
There is also the possibility of a weekend away with her and my brother's family. That feels more manageable. But my sister in law is dragging her feet about it, and it is a logistical nightmare to organise... so that is stressing me out too.

If it were me, I'd go this route... and anytime mother brings up the idea of her visiting you, I'd say, "I really want to come up with a way to do that weekend away with all of us." And while you're at it, let your SIL drag her feet to her heart's content... she's dragging you along for the ride!  The longer she puts it off, the more time you have to yourself. :bigwink: I wouldn't feel any pressure to organize this little weekend, either. If your mother is so insistent on getting together, maybe she's the one that should sort it all out.

And I want to absolutely second what nanotech said... I used to do a lot of "getting it over with." But it wasn't really "over" because there was always a "next time." (And it seemed the more I agreed to these little events/visits, the more I was expected to CONTINUE to agree.)

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Hattie

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Re: Not sure whether to have NMum stay
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2021, 08:38:07 AM »
Thanks, guys!

I agree that day trips are way easier to handle than overnight visits. We did a couple of those during the past year and they were pretty much OK. Now that covid restrictions are ending though, there is a bit of pressure to have an overnight stay. Plus my mum helped buy my house so I feel sort of obliged to have her stay once in a while...

I agree also that boundaries are very important around start and end times for the trip. My mum often turns up several hours early with an extra change of clothes so that she can stay an extra day :doh:

It is also true that allowing visits does maintain an expectation that they will continue...

My mum is very much a covert narcissist who is good at creating the illusion of "niceness", so it is hard to kind of muster the oomph to change the parameters of the relationship. I am just fed up of having to repress all my resentment to her in order to maintain the facade of an amicable relationship. I guess ultimately I am pretty conflicted about it
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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Andeza

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Re: Not sure whether to have NMum stay
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2021, 01:26:16 PM »
With this much internal conflict and feelings of guilt or obligation, I wouldn't do it. I'd say now isn't a good time, there's a lot going on. And there is. You're dealing with your feelings of resentment, and you need time to heal without her popping in and torturing you some more. Visiting right now is just going to set you up for some sort of collapse. I can't say whether it would be anger, in that you totally lose your temper on her and vent.  Or a health collapse, where your body rebels and tells you off for subjecting it to further nonsense from her.

I feel like you need more time. 
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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Hattie

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Re: Not sure whether to have NMum stay
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2021, 01:59:40 PM »
Thanks Andeza, helpful to consider that the timing might just be off. My therapist said that people in early recovery often take a break from their families for a couple of years, and then might be able to re engage later when they have stronger boundaries and a more solid sense of self
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: Not sure whether to have NMum stay
« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2021, 05:27:56 PM »
My mum is very much a covert narcissist who is good at creating the illusion of "niceness", so it is hard to kind of muster the oomph to change the parameters of the relationship. I am just fed up of having to repress all my resentment to her in order to maintain the facade of an amicable relationship. I guess ultimately I am pretty conflicted about it

Sounds a lot like my PDmom. That facade of niceness is one of the reasons it took me so long to realize what was going on. I've really struggled with boundaries, but I'm finally getting to a place where I feel less and less guilty/conflicted.

We moved a long distance from our FOOs about 2 years ago, and when my husband and I were first talking about it, I was imagining having to host my parents in my house when they came to visit. PDmom LOVES having houseguests and pretty much insists anyone she even knows as an acquaintance stay at her house if they are in the area. I hate having people in my house, but knew it would be expected. Over the course of strengthening my boundaries (thanks in large part to this group), I realized that maybe I don't have to have them stay in my house...? This was an almost frighteningly rebellious thought for me, at first. But we don't have a room set up for guests, and H and I both work from home, so it would be very disruptive to us to have people here 24/7 even for a day or two. (Not to mention, I simply don't want them here the whole time!)

I let myself get used to that idea for some time. It took a while to get past the extreme guilt. But now I've gotten to the point that I don't think I'll have any qualms telling my mother she'll need to book a hotel room or AirBNB when they visit. It simply will not work for my family to have houseguests. End of story. I'm sure she'll be huffy and "offended" but that's her problem. I'm expressing a polite, simple, NORMAL boundary. Any negative reaction from her only further illustrates who she really is.

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Hattie

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Re: Not sure whether to have NMum stay
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2021, 04:51:30 PM »
So I decided against it for this weekend. I'm too tired to deal with it all. Maybe in a few weeks I will be up to dealing with her
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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moglow

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Re: Not sure whether to have NMum stay
« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2021, 05:29:41 PM »
I'd prob want a test drive or two (shorter visits/lunch) before I committed to a weekend. ;)
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!