Healing from Contempt and Control

Started by Sapling, July 12, 2021, 10:44:04 PM

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Sapling

I'm VLC with my father who is in his 80s and that's just enough contact for me to handle. When I was growing up I used to joke that my father never hit me because he could control me with his contempt alone. (I realise how depressing it is that a young person can joke about something like this). I have lived away from my EI parents for 20 years now and have gone through a lot of therapy and a lot of hard times because they could not support me in any of the ways I really needed. I never went home because they were so controlling that I got out as soon as I possibly could and never looked back. You would think that 20 years later I would have accepted the reality but I am still healing and it is still painful to accept. I do have good feelings towards them too and that is hard.

Some days when I speak to my father we can have a good conversation (about general topics, what's happening in the world etc. never anything too personal), but then other days he is very reactive and I can feel the burn of his contempt again. It is as if nothing short of total obedience would be good enough to please him. I try not to take it personally because somehow I KNOW it is not really about me but, at the same time, I'm pretty sure this is why I am an overachiever who struggles with self-esteem issues. Sometimes I find it hard to believe anyone could love me, when my parents obviously can't.

I find it hard and sad that I cannot just have a normal conversation with him, or tell him anything I really feel, or speak freely about my life without fear of disapproval (as I imagine people with more emotionally mature parents can do). I also feel bad, at times, that I only give him the absolute minimal amount of information about my life so he has less material to attack me with. He is very much in the dark about who I am as a person or what is important to me. I cannot be vulnerable with him, ever. It is too painful to contemplate what my life could have been like if he could accept me how I am.  Sometimes I just don't know what to do with the sadness.

I wonder if anyone else on here can relate?

bloomie

Quote from: SaplingI wonder if anyone else on here can relate?
Simply... yes. Relate to every word and the emotional fallout and grief you describe you are experiencing.

I would add, that even when at my most subservient and obedient, compliant and caretaking, it was never, ever enough. I was never enough, truly seen, and worthy of knowing by my parents.

I accept that and now know I am enough, worthy of knowing and seeing, honoring and supporting, but the journey through the pervasive atmosphere of contempt and often shaming that was relationship with them for me, was a strenuous journey.

Much strength to you as you process the disappointment and inexplicable posture of contempt from your father. I am so sorry for the hurt and harm of this.
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

moglow

Hey Sapling - I'm feeling this today myself. You describe my mother in many ways. The blistering contempt left me never feeling I could measure up much less actually have any connection with her, and I honestly can't remember the last time we had a conversation that was neutral much less enjoyable. I guess that's good in the big picture, that I don't have or even understand that darkness that seems to be her life. I also don't share anything personal any more, too many times it became ammunition for random potshots or gossip later on.

I feel the sadness, both from and with you. Today's a tough day for me too, I woke up sinking and needing to find my way back to the surface. I don't have any wisdom to share, just wanted you to know you're not alone.
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"Expectations are disappointments under construction." ~Capn Spanky, The Nook circa 2005ish

Lisa

Sapling, I can understand how you feel.  Grief of loosing these relationships definitely ebbs and flows not matter how much time has passed.  I too have times where I feel sad that my parents are unable to support me and unable to know the real me, or to genuinely care about me, that is devastating coming from a parent!
I do find that focussing on other relationships where I feel seen, known, cared for helps.  I am trying to make more friends and have healthier relationships with other people in my world.

Cat of the Canals

Quote from: Sapling on July 12, 2021, 10:44:04 PM
I also feel bad, at times, that I only give him the absolute minimal amount of information about my life so he has less material to attack me with.

This is my relationship with with my PDmom. I share almost nothing with her. I used to feel very guilty over how closed off from her, but over time I've realized that it was a very practical defense mechanism. I wasn't doing it to punish her. It came about because I always knew deep down she is not a "safe" person to share intimate details of my life with. She never has been. I was protecting myself. Now that I can see WHY I've done this, I don't feel guilty about it anymore. I'm sad sometimes that this is the state of our relationship, but there isn't anything I can do about it.

My mother complains sometimes (not to me, but to my brother and dad) that she wishes we were closer. The thing is, she sees this as a one-way street. I am supposed to open up to her, but she is not required to do the same. She has NEVER opened up to me. Once I realized that she doesn't believe there should be any reciprocity in our closeness --  that I should be an open book to her but not the other way around -- that helped me see it more clearly too. Her desire is about gaining resources. It has nothing to do with truly knowing me or connecting on a deeper level. She isn't capable of that.

Hilltop

Quote from: Sapling on July 12, 2021, 10:44:04 PM
Sometimes I find it hard to believe anyone could love me, when my parents obviously can't.

I find it hard and sad that I cannot just have a normal conversation with him, or tell him anything I really feel, or speak freely about my life without fear of disapproval (as I imagine people with more emotionally mature parents can do). I also feel bad, at times, that I only give him the absolute minimal amount of information about my life so he has less material to attack me with.
I wonder if anyone else on here can relate?

Yes I can relate to this.  I have had some dark times feeling that I am unlovable because really if my parents don't seem to like me as a person why would anyone else like me.  I still struggle with this at times.

My parents don't want caretaking from me, don't call me for help, they just want information to gossip with and appear that their family unit is intact.  My parents also show huge amounts of contempt for me and openly mock me and this has been really hard for me to first acknowledge and then deal with.

I have also shut down with my parents, I don't share much with them, not done to punish them but more to protect myself.  If I have previously shared ambition they have mocked it.  I can really relate to what Cat of the Canals says and I find this interesting.  I am also expected to open up and share my life details with my parents including financial information however it is a one way street.  My mother doesn't share anything with me about herself and I know nothing of their finances.  She is never open with me.  I now understand that yes they don't want to connect on a deeper level, its just information to them, to be able to gossip and judge and mock.  They delight in anything negative that occurs to me and dismiss anything positive unless they can use that something positive to look good to other people.  I really see the truth in it now which is something I struggled with for years.

I felt sadness and grief when I really first admitted to myself that the relationship was unhealthy for me.  I felt unsure when I limited contact.  Now I feel absolutely sure that limiting contact is right for me and a healthy thing to do.  I still have days when I feel down about not having that family support but I understand now I will never get it from my parents.  Today I simply don't want to physically see my parents at all, I converse via text infrequently and that is it.  I don't feel bad about it at all anymore because I see more clearly that it was their behaviour driving the negativity between us all, if they can't see that or want to deny that, its their problem not mine.  They created this and now I have stepped back, I have put it fully onto them to fix it if they want.  So far they are doing what they have always done, ignore it, pretend everything is fine and to be honest I am thinking that's the way they will be until the end.  I see they are incapable of fixing it or having a deeper relationship so there is no point in me continuing to try. 

Its a long road and sharing it here helped me a lot.  I hope it helps you too.


Sapling

#6
Thank you all so much for your replies. You made me feel less alone but I am sorry you've felt the same way.

Bloomie, I totally agree that even if I were to be compliant it would not make any real difference. I can SO relate to: "the journey through the pervasive atmosphere of contempt and often shaming that was relationship with them for me, was a strenuous journey." I still find it really strenuous and sometimes I get tired of having to be on guard around them and upwards manage them.

moglow, I hope you are feeling a bit better today. Thank you for saying this: "I feel the sadness, both from and with you." Me too. Sending you a hug  :hug:

Lisa,  thank you for understanding. It is devastating when a parent is unable to really know us. This is what I find the hardest. I'm like- aren't you meant to want to know who your children are as people? I guess not.

Cat of the Canals and Hilltop, I too experience my parents as a one-way-street. But curiously, in my case, it's not that my parents won't share themselves with me. It's that they expect me to care about their feelings but they get uncomfortable if I ever share mine. They think they are allowed to emotionally dump their stuff on me. But I cannot be emotional. Like you, I don't withhold information with the intention of punishing them bit rather in the hopes that I can protect my own vulnerability (which they do not respect).

Thank you so much for sharing your stories too. I'm sorry you've had to go through the same

Wolf

I can totally relate, sounds a lot like my mom. My dad is also controlling to an extent but not like my mom. I also wish I could have a normal relationship with my parents, and share stuff with them but I can't. They'll always try to tell me what to do, and all I can do is just ignore it. I'm an adult and can do what I want, fuck their opinions, that's how I look at it.

Sapling

Quote from: Wolf on July 14, 2021, 02:15:58 PM
I can totally relate, sounds a lot like my mom. My dad is also controlling to an extent but not like my mom. I also wish I could have a normal relationship with my parents, and share stuff with them but I can't. They'll always try to tell me what to do, and all I can do is just ignore it. I'm an adult and can do what I want, fuck their opinions, that's how I look at it.

Hi Wolf, Thanks for your reply and apologies for the delayed response. I used to have that idgaf attitude towards my parents too, but the more emotional work I've done (talking things through with my T, reading about PDs and trauma, and growing through healthier relationships in my life) the more I've had to confront the fact that I cannot just turn off my feelings. For me, underneath that idgaf attitude was a hell of a lot of hurt and pain. Even though it can be uncomfortable, unpleasant and scary at times, it has actually helped to get in touch with that pain (with the help of supportive Ts and friends) and deal with it. I am still dealing with it, as you can see from my post, but I feel that I'm on the path to one day truly feeling free of their control. It is just a longer road than I thought it would be. I wish you well in your journey down that road to freedom too.

cfe123

I have nothing to offer really except to say I feel your pain. My BPD parent is also in his 80s and it is extremely hard to feel that I will never have a normal, unguarded relationship with him. I also cannot have much of a relationship with my mom, since he controls visits and has brainwashed her - she really couldn't live with him unless she accepted absolutely everything he does and says as right, that is how controlling he is.

I also relate to the overachiever thing. A lot of people would never guess that I have been through this childhood. But there are so many deep wounds, even when you have a successful life. And I also relate to realizing that the BPD parent is in pain and isn't all bad. I wish there were some way to love him while keeping myself safe, but there really isn't.

Lately I have been focusing a lot on trying to keep my thoughts away from the situation. I find that if I stop myself from replaying things over in my head or if I have some sort of mantra like "I don't have to feel guilty" it can help. But the pain will always be there, I think.