Divorce is in the future....and so is living in the same house

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PlantFlowersNotWeeds

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Although our divorce process hasn't started, I found a lawyer and am anxious to get this going.
We have to live in the same house until it is sold - we are in separate rooms now. I've tried multiple times to talk to him about this.
My BPD husband, will absolutely not talk to me about selling the house - UGH. It's his way to control the situation.
He's been complaining about being sick and trying to get me to react - nope, no comments.  He went from "you may have to take me to the  ER", to just watching TV and eating.  MMMmmm....guess you are not that sick?  Or you are, but want me to feel bad for you?  Don't know, Don't care.

I am trying to figure out how to live like this and not make it easy for him.
I came Out of the FOG early June, when I think about leaving my home, I shed tears about my kitchen, I haven't cried about my husband in a long time....that feels good.
I just don't know how to live with him, but not be a free maid, shopper, etc...

Glad I found this site and my therapist  :D

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Divorce is in the future....and so is living in the same house
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2021, 02:32:57 AM »
Welcome! Have you checked out the TOOLBOX tab? You might find some useful strategies there. I would also like to recommend a book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Fjelstad.
See you around on the boards!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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PlantFlowersNotWeeds

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Re: Divorce is in the future....and so is living in the same house
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2021, 10:39:28 PM »
Thank you for the book suggestion - I was able to get it for free from my library - as an audio book.
I'm 40 min in - WOW.  Was the book written about me?  The description of how someone can be "caring" and then move to a "caretaker" is me.  And, how this caretaker role has gotten bigger and bigger over the years.  WOW
Fabulous and perfect timing for me.   

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stcroix1979

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Re: Divorce is in the future....and so is living in the same house
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2021, 12:15:26 PM »
I found it strangely comforting to be out of tears for my ex too. I shed a lot of them, and he always considered that a nuisance. Whatever reason I had for crying was because of my own actions, and that they were basically inexplicable and pitiful. At least that was my experience. I am happy to be around people at the moment who seek to comfort rather than disparage. I hope you are doing well and in a safe space.

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Findingme1991

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Re: Divorce is in the future....and so is living in the same house
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2021, 02:05:01 PM »
Hi! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a similar situation. My ex refused to sell the home. It was bought with my inheritance money from my dads death and his dying wish that I buy a home so I had some seriously sentimental attachments to it. We agreed on divorce in November and I lived there with him until March. I couldn't take it anymore. We slept separately but he wanted to be gone seeing the woman he was having an affair with all the time. He'd come home but there was no schedule, no communication so I could make sure someone was there for the kids or anything. Finally I told him if we were going to divorce and expected our children to switch weeks at the house then the least we could do was alternate days for them. So on Mon, Tues he stayed with the kids and I stayed with my grandmother. On Wed, Thur I stayed with the kids and he stayed elsewhere (I'm assuming with his girlfriend). I told him I didn't care where he stayed or went but unless we both agreed he wasn't to return to the house for anything. We both stayed there on weekends and just played everything by ear based on what we were doing. It worked wonderfully. He got to fulfill his needs with his girlfriend and I had at least two days of peace without him in the house. Finally in March I couldn't take it anymore. He would try to flirt, or try to seduce me. I met with my lawyer who wrote up an agreement. In my state we have to be separated for so long before we can divorce. She wrote it out that I would agree to move out (I'm currently renting) and he could live in the house permitting he pays the payments. If he's anymore than 10- days late even once he forfeits ownership of the home and I can either buy his half out or force the sale. When the divorce becomes final he has 90 days to refinance the home out of my name and purchase my half. If he does not, then I can again, take ownership and buy it from him or force the sale. We are about 4 months out from being able to file the final divorce papers. It's worked well so far. Best of luck. Keep setting boundaries and keep your chin up!