When they claim not to know what they've done wrong

Started by blues_cruise, July 22, 2021, 05:39:59 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

p123

Quote from: blacksheep7 on August 17, 2021, 10:32:47 AM
Quote from: p123 on August 17, 2021, 08:58:43 AM

My wife double-barrelled her name when we got married. I just thought "so what up to her". My Dad basically tried to tell me it was disrespecting him. Eh?
I also had another one of his famous (and worrying) chats where he told me I needed to "sort my wife out and remind her whos boss". Scary eh?

:aaauuugh: He got stuck in the 50's

I am married for the second time.  The first, I took my ex h name because that's how it was forty years ago plus I have a name that I need to always spell, not English. Younger I was embaressed about it and today people tell me that it's quite original and like it.  Anyhow, the second time I just kept my maiden name finally accepting it, meaning I am accepting and liking myself, period.  Why not.   My dh does not feel disrespected at all.

Not wrong there! Hes firmly of the opinion that the man is the boss....
As you can imagine, my wife won't even speak to him.......

Exactly, I don't care what name my wife wants to use. So what? All I do is rib her a bit about trying to be posh!

p123

Quote from: TwentyTwenty on August 18, 2021, 06:14:54 PM
@P123, yes that is scary indeed.

They wanted me to change my name because they said I was a shame to the entire lineage of our last name, and didn't deserve to be called by that.

They wanted me to move away; they didn't want to even have the slight chance that we may cross paths. So I should move away to make sure they didn't have to endure even a single second of me if we both happen to be out and about.

OMG thats just awful.....


My New Life

One of the gifts of going NC, is not having to know what they "claim" to know or not know.  When I finally went NC, I cut off all avenues of communication (hence the term NC) and therefore, am not subjected to what my uNPDM has to say about it.  I have heard from a few sources that I have been labeled "mentally ill" and that I am "going to hell for the way (I have) abandoned (her)."  I guess these claims only act as reminders as to why I was driven to going NC in the first place.  NPD individuals do not have the capacity to internally process negative aspects of their lives or selves, so all blame must be assigned to others or the world does not make sense.  I understand this but also, I am grateful I'm no longer caught in the gravitational force of it. 

blues_cruise

Quote from: My New Life on August 25, 2021, 12:57:02 PM
One of the gifts of going NC, is not having to know what they "claim" to know or not know.  When I finally went NC, I cut off all avenues of communication (hence the term NC) and therefore, am not subjected to what my uNPDM has to say about it.  I have heard from a few sources that I have been labeled "mentally ill" and that I am "going to hell for the way (I have) abandoned (her)."  I guess these claims only act as reminders as to why I was driven to going NC in the first place.  NPD individuals do not have the capacity to internally process negative aspects of their lives or selves, so all blame must be assigned to others or the world does not make sense.  I understand this but also, I am grateful I'm no longer caught in the gravitational force of it.

Ah yes, I got labelled "mentally ill" too! To be honest I was/am mentally ill, but not for the reasons my father would claim. Without him in my life I've actually given myself a shot at working to emotionally re-regulate and address my deeply rooted toxic shame and social phobia. Couldn't do that when every phone call left me paralysed with anxiety and I was getting treated like crap, thus reinforcing the shame (and anger at myself for putting up with it). It's important to surround yourself with emotionally healthy, kind people in order to heal and he's certainly not one of them. It's only recently I've really grasped just how unwell and struggling I was for all those years and how his own unaddressed trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms are at the root of it.

I think you're exactly right, the claims you described do indicate why no contact was necessary. Emotionally immature parents just won't do the trauma work needed to improve their lives and when you realise how much of an impact their unhealthy coping mechanisms have had/continue to have on your own wellbeing it's very difficult to continue to tolerate it without a lot of emotional distress. I acknowledge that my father's actions are a result of his own trauma and I do feel sympathy towards him for how it's dominated his life and caused misery (definitely for those around him, but also for himself), however he has as much responsibility in the present day to check his own behaviour as much as anyone else does. I'm pretty sure at his core he knows this but can't bear to face his shame and projects his poor behaviour on to others. I'll never understand how intentionally hurting others makes anyone feel better though, it's bizarre.
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

MarlenaEve

They truly believe they've done nothing wrong. Have you read the posts on the isendai blog? It explains how the mind of a PD parent works.

It's unbelievable to read there.

PD people's brains are so damaged that they constantly need to justify even their most awful and hurtful behaviors. One of the parents on the site looks at abuse this way: 'I didn't tie her up every day, beat her and left her with no clothes and to starve, so she had a nice childhood. I don't see what's the problem.'

This thinking shows us how abusers think of abuse. They look at abuse as physical torture and extreme violence-that news you hear on TV where they talk about some psychopathic parent starving their children or torturing them physically. That's how they see abuse.

It is mind-bending. Yelling at someone, putting someone down, destroying their self-esteem, even small beatings are considered OK for them. Good lord.

So, it makes sense for them to wonder what they've done wrong. They didn't tie us up for days or starved us to death, so they're great, loving parents.

Here's the site:
http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

Hazy111

Marlena Eve, how apposite,  just had a conversation with a neighbor, whom i now try to steer clear of now his mask has slipped re his PD and bizarre beliefs.

I mentioned the sexual abuse scandal thats erupted in France regarding the Catholic Church (and i knew what was coming from previous conversations) . He replied "Well theres abuse and theres abuse. Its a big spectrum. Theres a big difference between fondling a kid and buggery"  (He seems to have unhealthy obsession with sodomy) .

I replied "Well maybe the victim doesnt see it that way" .  He just glared at me

Starboard Song

#46
Quote from: MarlenaEve on October 05, 2021, 01:32:07 PM
They truly believe they've done nothing wrong. Have you read the posts on the isendai blog? It explains how the mind of a PD parent works.

It's unbelievable to read there.

Folks will tell the precise reason they've been given, or will admit to hair-raising behavior, and then say "I never did learn what it was I did that was supposed to be so wrong."
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

Lillith65

Quote from: MarlenaEve on October 05, 2021, 01:32:07 PM
One of the parents on the site looks at abuse this way: 'I didn't tie her up every day, beat her and left her with no clothes and to starve, so she had a nice childhood. I don't see what's the problem.'

This thinking shows us how abusers think of abuse. They look at abuse as physical torture and extreme violence-that news you hear on TV where they talk about some psychopathic parent starving their children or torturing them physically. That's how they see abuse./

That is exactly how my mother thinks. She would cry and get upset about cases of child abuse in the newspapers while ignoring the way that I was treated. Including supporting and talking fondly about my ex husband (on whom she had a crush) who beat me and manipulated me into having sex with him when I was 17 and he was twice my age.  He would collect me late at night and drop me home in the morning, but that was OK because he had money and my mother had set us up.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

p123

Quote from: Lillith65 on October 20, 2021, 09:26:55 AM
Quote from: MarlenaEve on October 05, 2021, 01:32:07 PM
One of the parents on the site looks at abuse this way: 'I didn't tie her up every day, beat her and left her with no clothes and to starve, so she had a nice childhood. I don't see what's the problem.'

This thinking shows us how abusers think of abuse. They look at abuse as physical torture and extreme violence-that news you hear on TV where they talk about some psychopathic parent starving their children or torturing them physically. That's how they see abuse./

That is exactly how my mother thinks. She would cry and get upset about cases of child abuse in the newspapers while ignoring the way that I was treated. Including supporting and talking fondly about my ex husband (on whom she had a crush) who beat me and manipulated me into having sex with him when I was 17 and he was twice my age.  He would collect me late at night and drop me home in the morning, but that was OK because he had money and my mother had set us up.

Aw wow thats just so awful. So sorry you had to go through that

traumakorma

Don't be fooled. If they ever displayed control over when and where to abuse, they know. Abusive dad was Mr Equanimity in public but a nasty bully behind closed doors. He played the confused, innocent victim when I went NC. No, no, no, I'm traumatised but I"m not stupid, if he was that oblivious that his behaviour was abusive he'd have been like that in the corner shop, at the queue in the post office not just when we were alone.

wisingup

 :yeahthat:

It's part of why people outside the core family think you're exaggerating or even lying about the bad times - they've never seen behaviors like that from the person they think they know well.

I wonder how it might change things if PD parents knew that their children are going to remember these incidents & will revisit them through adult eyes.


traumakorma

Quote
I wonder how it might change things if PD parents knew that their children are going to remember these incidents & will revisit them through adult eyes.

I think you're doing what we all did and do, you're projecting your healthy patterns of logic onto a disordered mind. From what I've read there isn't a linear thread in the mind of a malignant narcissist (mn). Everything is now, no history or future which is why their behaviour seems so short sighted. They'll just do and say what makes them superior and you inferior in the moment.

My undx MN dad was abusive to me up until nc. The abuse changed but only because despite my horrific childhood I had managed to grow and mature and he had to be more subtle. I can see many instances where he tested boundaries as I grew to see what he could get me to tolerate and explain away. He couldn't behave the same as he did when I was a child (trash my room/throw me out) because I had people in my life who adored me and being an adult people were more likely to believe me. It must have been immensely frustrating for him. Diddums 😂😂

wisingup

QuoteEverything is now, no history or future which is why their behaviour seems so short sighted.

I think you're right traumakorma.  Which is why I have to accept that my ubpdm's current run of good behavior is likely to end with a bang, probably one aimed straight at me, since she's currently holding it together in the face of an enormous (the serious illness of my brother). 

I had to look up "Diddums" - got a new word to use now!