When am I going to learn?

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Bunnyme

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When am I going to learn?
« on: July 26, 2021, 01:27:19 PM »
I've told my attorney from the start that he wont settle.  A few months (and thousands of dollars) of back and forth, it looked like we had a settlement negotiated.  He even told me last week that I should have signed papers in a couple of days.  I actually let myself get hopeful, as I absolutely cannot afford a trial and will have to go pro se if it happens.  We sent over a couple of minor changes (basically just clarifications) and he was supposed to have a final meeting with his attorney Friday morning.  His attorney even said she had the notary ready to go. 

Well, radio silence since then.  His attorney isnt even responding when mine reached out for an update.

So, this negotiation process has cost close to 10k...and I finally told mine I would totally sign off on the draft they last sent, even without the clarifications, just to get it done. 

We have a deadline of Thursday before we get a trial date, and I think I'm totally screwed.  Why did I allow myself a slight bit of hope that he would be momentarily decent?  Why am I still hoping he will do something by Thursday?  The cost of a trial means nothing to him since he wont be paying any of his own legal bills, but I really don't think he wants a bunch if lies uncovered during discovery.

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oak_tree

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Re: When am I going to learn?
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2021, 10:53:43 PM »
Really sorry to hear about the radio silence, Bunnyme. I don't have any advice to offer, just know there are people thinking of you and wishing you well.

I hope that the fear of being exposed is enough to make him sign. Fingers crossed.

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Happytobefree

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Re: When am I going to learn?
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2021, 10:27:23 AM »
Oh, I am so sorry to hear this!  I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster you're feeling right now.

I have no advice, other than try and stay focused on the end goal.  (((hugs!)))

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hhaw

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Re: When am I going to learn?
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2021, 11:02:19 PM »
Pull your evidence together and organize it like you're preparing for trial.

It's more likely the PD settles IF you've prepared for trial, are ready for that trial and lean into the trial date. 

Make sure you can prove the embarrassing things the pd wants to hide.

Make sure the pd knows what's at stake.

Don't cancel any set court dates till you have a signed, stamped AND filed copy of that Agreement.

Make sure you have clean copies if documents for court.  Don't mark on originals.  If you use highlighter, use the bright yellow highlighter, bc it doesn't copy....much.

You'll need 3 copies of documents for trial....yours, opposing counsels and the courts copy.  CLEAN copies.  No marks, highlights....nothing or you won't be able to use them at trial.

Doing trial prep ahead will help you feel empowered, less at the mercy of your situation and more in control.

Trial prep is something you
Can
Do.

Worrying about a trial gains you nothing but spinning your wheels in fight or flight mode....and that means you have no access to logic, creativity, problem solving skills.....you NEED those things NOW, ime.

So breathe......10 x.  4 seconds in
Hold 4 seconds
Out 4 seconds.

This will calm down your hijacked biochemistry and restore access to your frontal lobe..... you're brain, ability to calm yourself and prove your case is very important, ime.

You are you're biggest asset.

Trial might be the quickest way out if divorce court, btw.  Don't fear it.  Organize your files instead.

It's likely the PD will push you all the way to your trial date, then settle, bc that seems to be something they do, ime.

Or, he might go to trial in which case you'll be prepared and he'll have zero evidence, a bunch of crazy accusations and likely show his true self at trial.

You'll keep every answer brief.....give only the burger....no bun, no condiments and no lettuce, pickles, tomatoes.

Short answers, even if it seems bad.....you can explain your answer later.  Just the burger, always.

This too shall pass.



hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Jsinjin

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Re: When am I going to learn?
« Reply #4 on: August 06, 2021, 02:33:01 AM »
Hhaw's advice is spot on.  100 percent good advice.   You can do this.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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Free2Bme

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Re: When am I going to learn?
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2021, 02:15:19 PM »
Hi Bunnyme,

I didn't handle my divorce well.  Fear paralysis was my enemy. 

If I could go back, I would do exactly as hhaw outlines.  She is 100% correct.

So sorry for all the stress you are under.  I can tell you that this will come to an end.  One day soon, you will be looking back on it and have your life back. 

Even with all my blunders and missed opportunities,  I survived and life is good now. 

Sending strength and hope to you.

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hhaw

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Re: When am I going to learn?
« Reply #6 on: August 07, 2021, 08:51:11 PM »
Breathe.

Feel out of control and at the mercy of.

Breathe some more.

Wrap your mind around what you CAN do.

Do it.

Feel better for a while.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Once you're in court, or have an Agreement set to sign..... you still have a ways to go, IME.

Don't let the PD fool you into believing this can end easily, quickly, bc he says he'll end it.  He likely won't. 

There's a trap they set over and over...... where they make us believe we can get this done and over and behind us.... we let down our guard.  We stop the all important Trial Prep which I always found was necessary to move things to the end, btw.

If you stop prepping, and the PD decides he really wants to go to Court after all..... it's a devastating emotional blow, unexpected financial blow and time suck away from your children...... panic and trial prep are not a good mix, IME, so keep up with it no matter what the PD says. He's a liar.  He's a trickster.  A minpulator.  He's not the boss'a'you!

One day, soon, you'll feel happy to feel the sun on your face again, I promise.

Remember one day you'll look back and regret the time you didn't spend being present with your children.

While you still have the time and presense of mind..... really look them in the eye every day and engage them..... just put everything else on the shelf and PLAY with them! Cook with them. Plan a meal together.  Make a fort.  Tell a story. Buy a book together and read it! 

THESE will be the things you never evere regret, I promise!

Hang in there. 
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Bunnyme

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Re: When am I going to learn?
« Reply #7 on: August 08, 2021, 05:04:50 PM »
Thanks.  I made another post.  Faced with going through discovery or signing, he signed.  However, he is basically acting like the agreement isnt there...not doing visitation, not paying support, etc..  I dont think he has any way to pay what he agreed to, nor did he ever have intentions to pay...but the fear of what would be uncovered in discovery was worse than the consequences of not complying.  At least, that's what my gut says.

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hhaw

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Re: When am I going to learn?
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2021, 05:19:14 PM »
My STBX ASPD h didn't have any intention of honoring our Agreement either. 


 I told my attorney he didn't, and of course...I was right.  Again.

Then the attorney filed contempt charges and everything escalated.  I guess you should be thinking ahead what happens if the PD refuses to comply with EVERYTHING in the Agreement. 

DO you want to file contempt charges?

What would that gain you?

What do you have to lose?

How ustable is he?

Do you have fear for yourself or your children?

Do you feel he'd do something dangerous or lethal? 

Do you feel you could simply use his failure to comply to get more of what you want regarding visitation schedule changes and seeing LESS of him in your life?

If he went away tomorrow, forever, could you pay your bills and raise your children?

I pray for the best possible outcome for you and your children.
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt