Parenting app stalemate

Started by Bunnyme, August 03, 2021, 10:10:11 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Bunnyme

Our (less than a week old) agreement states that we will make all communication about the kids via the parenting app.  He has decided now he doesnt want to use it.  Says he cant afford it and will just text me.  I want to follow what we are supposed to do, so I sent one email stating that we both agreed to use it less than a week ago and that I'm planning to make all communication there. 
We dont have a regular visitation schedule.  He wouldn't agree to one, but gets a certain number of hours per week that we need to schedule through the app.  So, I don't know where to go from here.  I told him I wont communicate via text.  He said he wont use the app.  In the meantime, that means no visits are being scheduled.  He made less than half of the visits prior to the agreement, so I look at this as more of a convenient excuse for him. 
He also missed his first child support payment.  I dont want him to get away with completely ignoring the agreement less than 4 days after it was signed, but his power move shouldn't mean the kids miss their visit.  So, should I text him to ask when he wants to see the kids?  Hold strong to the agreement and wait for him to schedule something there?    I hate to have to pay my attorney to handle this.  I was hoping to give it a little time and see if he complies before involving her, but I know it is probably inevitable.   

BeautifulCrazy

I would hang on in there.
You are complying.
He is not.
It isn't your job to wrangle or even facilitate his compliance.
It isn't your job to maintain HIS relationship with his children. If you are not blocking or interfering or sabotaging or alienating, you are doing all you are required to, simply by honoring the agreement.
When my ex pulled this same, I wrote up an e-mail to him, then called my lawyer's assistant and made an arrangement to CC her the e-mail exchange. It was a total bluff, as she was not going to get involved, but it worked.
I then had proof and a witness (if needed) to his non-compliance.
I blocked my ex by all other means, including phone and text (stated I was doing so in the e-mail) so he was limited to using the app. (That might not be an option for you, but for me, having as little contact as possible was the best thing to do.)
It sounds like your codependent parts want to do what is best, nicest, most compassionate....
And you should do that.
For you.
Let him live out the consequences of his own choices.

I suspect he is trying to hold on to having an effect on you. If you have no schedule, he has the ability to make demands and inconvenience you and get you to interact by being uncooperative.
If you were not emotionally involved, what would you advise a friend in your shoes to do?

You've got this, Bunnyme!! You've come so far already!!

athene1399

I agree with beautiful crazy. He is choosing not to follow the agreement and therefore choosing to not communicate in regards to visitation. If the app was something he could not afford, then he should have brought that up before the agreement was signed. If you are worried, you can shoot out a text or message stating that all communication will go through the app going forward per the agreement. That way he can't ever say he didn't know you were sticking to the agreement.

Poison Ivy

I agree with the posts above.

My children are adults and were already adults when their father and I got divorced. So we didn't have anything about the children in our divorce agreement. But my ex has longstanding difficulties with "normal" communication, and one of the hardest things I've dealt with before, during, and since the divorce is how much to get involved with him making (or not) plans to see our children. Hugely frustrating!

My experience during and soon after the divorce was that my ex wouldn't necessarily do something merely because the something was part of an official court document to which he had agreed. He wasn't being oppositional per se. Instead, it was almost as if our divorce agreement was irrelevant to him.

Penny Lane

Here is my two cents. The kids are better off seeing him less. It's sad, but true. He's not going to be a stable and consistent part of their lives, and that's really tough for kids. Meanwhile, you should not be putting MORE effort into his relationship with the kids than he is. Your job is to get out of the way, not alienate him from them, and be there to comfort them when he ultimately inevitably disappoints them.

So no I don't think you should lower your boundary re the parenting app to schedule time. The only time you should text him, IMO, is if YOU need him to know something. But if you're doing something for his benefit - scheduling his visitation or sending him an update - do it through the court-ordered app.

hhaw

Follow the Court Order.

To the T.

Hold the PD's feet to the fire while documenting his every failure to comply with the Order.

Document document document.

Do not let him drag you into failure to comply, bc of his failure to comply. The Court will assume you don't care and have allowed him to alter and fail to comply..... that you're fine with it.  IF you have to go back to court you want to follow everything in the ORDER and you want to be able to show the Court what your situation is.... document document document.

Help the kids understand all people can make sad and happy choices.  Sometimes Dad makes sad choices and it's not abot the children.... it's about Dad, but that's adult business.  Dad will be OK.  Mom will be OK.  The kids will be OK.... even if sometimes sad choices are made. 

It's still OK.

These can be teaching moments when the PD fails the children.  You can't cover for him enough to protect your children from his dysfunction, IME. 

The PD will do everything in his power to gain control of you again. THIS is just one tactic. It it works, he'll never ever ever stop throwing controlling curve balls at you.  He may never stop, but at least you aren't giving him something for his efforts. 

You're documenting his disordered behaviors. You'll be able to show anyone who wants to know what his actions have been. What your actions have been.

Do your best then go back to finding joy with your children.  Put the PD story on the shelf, bc you can't control him, no matter how badly he wants you to believe you can. 

You can't, so spend your time on things you CAN control is my advice.

It restores equilibrium.  It brings you back into the present.  It allows you to do what you can so you can get back to looking your children in the eye and being really present with THEM.  The PD wants you to keep your mind on HIM. He wants you to worry about what he's doing or not doing.  He wants you to focus on the impossible task of managing his behaviors and that's a losing battle.  It's time wasted. It's regret at not giving your children more joy, stability and happiness in the moment, which is all you really have, IME.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

cgr68311

very good advice @HHAW, I just rejoined the group and finding solace in some of these posts as the advice also fits my situation, thank you.

My two cents on the topic: parenting app does little to prevent or reduce behaviors, in my case is the opposite, I moved away from text because I was finding myself engaged all the time on tit for tat

Moving to parenting app hasn't really helped, NPDx continues to bombard me there with stuff, the only thing that helps is that any inappropriate posts I don't respond to, only respond to posts where she's respectful, factual and free of allegations/threats. but she doesn't seem to learn that, she continues and I find myself caught up on knee jerk reactions.

SeaBreeze

#7
QuoteHe said he wont use the app

My first thought -- your ex doesn't want to use the app because he doesn't want to be held accountable with a documented, neutral, 3rd party form of contact.

My 2nd thought is -- he doesn't want to meet his end of the parenting agreement in other respects, either.

Went through this with ex-uNPDh and my now adult DD. Current uNPDh and I bent over backwards for YEARS to accommodate ex, for DD's sake. And ex still dropped the ball, repeatedly, and broke her heart over and over. In retrospect I should have enforced more boundaries, and wish we'd had a 3rd party app back then to facilitate things.

Now that DD is well into adulthood (age 26) she has little to do with her bio father. They live in the same town, whereas I'm currently out of state, yet she talks to me more, text and calls frequently, recently drove hours to see me. (Not bragging; just observing with years of hindsight at hand.)

I made an effort not to alienate DD from ex; he alienated her all on his own. I'm sad for DD26 but not ex -- she now dismisses him the same way he did her.

My advice is stick to the court ordered agreement. Use the app. It's on your ex, not you, if he can't comply. It's on your ex, not you, to maintain *his* relationship with his child and honor *his* responsibility and obligations. You just keep doing what you do best and be a Mom to your baby. ♥️


hhaw

Ya. That's the thing about documenting the facts.

PDs don't want their actions documented in a way you can prove.  It never serves them well, IME.  They resist, but it's problematic when it's court ordered,bc...... the court can and does deliver consequences... eventually,IME. 

Stick to the court order.  Document like mad.  Organize your evidence and be ready to present it every single time the PD makes accusations about YOU alienating them while you've really been doing the best to follow the court order.

Sometimes the PDs will make accusations based on our NOT going out of our way to placate them...... accuse us of alienating whne we're simply holding their feet to the fire (court order.) 

Let them shout and rant and make accusations all they want. it's what they DO, IME.

YOU know what the facts are. You understand how to follow the rules, not be snarky or defensive or innapropriate so the Court, looking at everything, will SEE the PD's behavior and not get sidetracked by you losing your cool, temper, ability to appear level ALL THE TIME and child centered.

Always go back to short statements about the child when the PD tries to change the court order or ask you for something you don't have to give up.

Always come back to whats best for the child, keeping the routine as steady as possible, bc gthe kids do better when they know what to expect and have time to prepare ahead....... th kids do better when they aren't being told one thing then having it jerked out from under them over and over unexpectedly, etc. 

Show the court who you are.....
a stable, consistent, level headed parent who does what they can to facilitate the PD parent beign the best possible parent they can be, bc you love and care for your kids.... it's in their best interest.  End of story. THAT's the story.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt