A tiny step that feels like a giant one

[DaisyGirl77]

Without disclosing many details...

I know a different language.  It's one many who don't know it call beautiful & they get lost in it when they hear it being used.  I love it as well as it's sometimes the best way for me to express myself since English can't do it the way I sometimes need it to.  The problem is the culture it's attached to.  It's very petty, very middle school-ish where the "in" is who you know & who you're related to, & it's very much like the game six degrees of separation, where six or less people literally know who my family is & form judgments on me based on their knowledge of my family.  Otherwise it's very exclusive.  The people who are most active in it are the ones who are most attached to this language--as in, they feel like this is such a major part of their identity that to lose this part is akin to carving out half their heart & throwing it away.  Let's call this language & its culture Elvish.

I was part of the Elvish culture, briefly.  Mostly because my family was in it.  But I was very aloof when there were large gatherings of Elvish, primarily out of self protection.  I wasn't really part of it, or accepted by the people within it.  I kept more to the outskirts.  After I left the school I attended that spoke Elvish exclusively, this was the death knell for any access for me within Elvish culture.  I didn't feel much of a loss, although there was a little bit of hurt because they'd allowed me in while I was attending this school, & now that I wasn't...  I wasn't?  It was very confusing to Child Me, but in a very short period of time, I got over it.  As a whole, I am indifferent toward the Elvish culture, but deeply dislike the behavior that the majority exhibit.

My family are still very active within Elvish culture.  They're widely known, gossiped about, rumors are created about them & anyone attached to them, etc.  (Like I said, they're extremely immature people.)  I have not gone to any event in well over a decade because of a combination of reasons: the aforementioned self-preservation (I don't want to be part of this toxic culture), & primarily self-protection (my abusers are part of it).  I currently only speak Elvish with two family members.  The others have chosen to put it by the wayside.  I speak English 95% of the time, to give you guys an idea of how little I speak Elvish offline.  As a result, I'm no longer as familiar with the new Elvish slang & the latest vocabulary.  My Elvish is similar to Boomer v. Gen Z.  It's a noticeable gap.

About a week ago, an opportunity fell into my lap.  It's attached to a local theater group who wants to combine non-Elvish speakers with Elvish speakers to make one cohesive & fresh take on a play, & they need someone who knows Elvish (& its culture) well to teach the non-Elvish speakers the lines they need to know & bridge the gap between these two groups so they gel.

I sat on it for a week.  I talked about it to a couple family members & shared this opportunity with them so they could then share it with their friends to apply for it if they so chose.  The family members urged me to apply as it sounded like a great fit for me, even though I no longer use it daily.

But I waited, & waited some more, until I finally composed the email & submitted it.

I nearly had a panic attack at the thought of taking this opportunity & having to be back within Elvish culture again, when I don't really want to be.  I'm happy being away from it, & I also hold minor fear toward the "what if" someone from the Elvish culture recognizes me while I'm out & about & tells someone who tells someone else, etc. that I'm now in City & this reaches my abusers' ears?

(Un?)fortunately for me, I received a reply to my introductive email & am in the process of arranging a meeting with the director of this play to discuss their vision.

So this is my giant step.  I am really, really scared, you guys.  I'm also kind of interested in this opportunity, but mostly worried & fearful that I might encounter someone from Elvish culture & my hard-earned peaceful life will be broken.

Anyone been in this situation, or a similar one?  How'd you get over this fear/hurdle?

[Sapling]

Hi DaisyGirl77,

Your story really resonates with me. I was also brought up in an immature culture where our 'Elvish' was considered a central part of our identity. When I was younger, because I associated this language with the emotional abuse I experienced as a child, I stopped speaking it with my parents and uncles and aunts and only spoke to my grandfather in this language as he seemed to be less invested in controlling me and more interested in just playing with me and getting to know me. When he died I was still a teenager and it wasn't until years later that I began speaking it again after visiting the country where this language originated. I had a similar experience to you in that my Elvish was outdated. I had been speaking to my grandfather (!) and was not across the slang and could not talk Elvish the way people my age did. It made me feel like an outsider to my own culture. For me, that brought up a huge amount of grief. I was also angry because I felt that my parents and elders had effectively deprived me of this culture by dispensing it with abuse.

Refusing to speak Elvish was my way of putting up a boundary with my parents and others in our community who encouraged an excessive amount of control and what I would call emotional blackmail (but what they would call "guidance"). It was necessary for me to do this to live independently and authentically and mitigate some of the damage they had already done by trying to manipulate me into being who they wanted me to be. I still feel that grief.

I applaud you for your brave step forward. Its great that you still speak Elvish with two family members and it is great that you have the courage to seek out opportunities to use Elvish in situations that could be safer and more creative and inclusive than your family/community environment. I think you're very brave and I think even if this doesn't go perfectly you will learn a great deal from taking this step. It might even lead you to seek out other opportunities.

What has helped me over the years is forgiving myself and granting myself lots of understanding for the self-preserving decisions my younger self had to make; then building on my not-so-great Elvish in a safe way by watching movies and listening to podcasts or radio shows in Elvish, and reaching out to safe people I can practice with. It was terrifying for me, at first, to interact with small safe groups of Elvish speakers who were seeking the same type of connection I was- a connection with the language & culture without the dysfunction. But I tried to remember that going out of my comfort zone will bring healthier connections.

FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing in pursuing something you are curious about and interested in. You are also right to describe your peaceful life as "hard earned". Just remember that all that work counts for something and even if someone you don't want to be in contact with catches wind of what you are doing, you have the tools and support now to deal with it. You also have support here if things go pear shaped. Remember that you are courageous and that Elvish belongs to you as much as to anyone else. You got this.

[D.]

That is a great step DaisyGirl.  I see why this likely feels both a bit unsettling, but also encouraging.  An opportunity to be a healthy you free of abuse in the "Elvish" language reality.  I feel like I had a similar experience, yet different.  All of my abuse occurred in English.  So one reason I learned and preferred to speak "Elvish" was to get away from the emotional abuse...

[1footouttadefog]

Not being an Elf, I don't pretend to understand entirely.

However, I see something in both stories that stands out to me.

In both, you seem to want to disassociate yourself with the Elvish culture then are surprised it's language has morphed and that you are ironically not fully Elvish.

Part of me was cheering when reading this until I realized you are not comforted by this.

One thought comes to mind, regardless of what type of Elves you are discussing, they are not all the same.  It seems one would seek other like minded elves or partial elves to interface with and exercise the innner Elf and its need to preserve and use the Elvish language.

I guess I am saying that even if you know or was abused by the community, they are not all abusers.  Additionally there are other villages of Elves.

You also be get to decide how Elvish you want to be and what parts of the Elvish culture are to be retained.

I know Germans who speak no German yet cook and celebrate Germain style.  Yet other Germans speak fluent and never indulge in the old food and holiday  trappings.

Both are legitimate in their embrassing what they value of the minority culture while doing the same in the majority culture.

Some subcultures have a religion, or a sect of a greater religion as part of them.  This of course adds another layer of comexity as well as another realm of potetial abuse or reactivity if community members leave or change religions or sects.

Find your tribe, find your chosen family and manage all abusive relationships into safe ones even if that means cutting contact.

It sounds like the play advisor position could potentially allow you to network and find other folks on the perimeters/overlaps of the subculture.

Stay strong, stay you.  I hope you make safe relationships with other Elves.

[DaisyGirl77]

Thanks, all.  Your words have helped.  I met with the director to discuss her vision & plan for this play & I really hope I get it.  Even if I don't, I plan on going when it's being performed.  I'll find out if I have the position by the end of the month.

1 foot:  Lol.  You're right.  I have very complicated/mixed feelings with this language.  I love it on its own, but hate everything else that comes with it.  TBH, I had closed the door on doing anything like this a long, long time ago & had made peace with that time in my life.  (I've been NC with my abusers for nearly a decade.  My problem is that they're extremely active within Elvish culture & that's what has me most conflicted.)