Eating and manners

[Pepin]

How do the PDs in your life eat?  Is it common for them to chew loud, talk with their mouth open full of food before swallowing, slurp, burp, pick their teeth, ignore food on their face or shovel in their food like it is their last meal?  These are just some of what I have dealt with.  Are they unaware or is this done on purpose?  Is this some sort of attention seeking tactic they resort to?  Looking for a reaction - knowing it is annoying to others and hoping to stir up a reaction? 

[blacksheep7]

I'll speak for my NF.  It was annoying so I do understand you.
We used to call him «Fred Flinstone»   His roots are from the old countries in the Mediterranean. It's like «they» never evolved from the time they ate with their hands, only now they use utensils.
We never told him, partly because back then we were afraid of his reaction.
I don't think it is attention seeking, just a plain old habit.  Do not forget that Pds act as they wish with no self-awarness as to what might bother others.

[losingmyself]

H is pretty good with manners, however, he won't wash his hands before he eats, and he has a very dirty job. I used to be able to get him to wash, but that was a long time ago.
I'm talking about black-dirty hands. The amount of dirty that dirties everything he touches at the table, including his own food.
Seriously disgusting, and I've told him that. He doesn't care.......
But he watches people and criticizes them on their manners. And gets annoyed by them.

[Poison Ivy]

It seemed to me that everyone in my ex-husband's family ate very quickly and without talking. These aren't bad manners, just different than what I was used to. But I attributed some of this to the influence of my ex-husband's late father, who I think had a PD and who seemed to set the tone for many things in the family. I think my former FIL might have kept the so-called Depression mindset throughout his life; he seemed to always fear being without things -- food, money, care, attention. So the mealtime behavior might have arisen from him eating quickly and with little talking so that he could make sure to get as much food as he wanted.

[Empie2204]

My ex-PD literally lived the science of eating. Food and meals were the centers of his universe.
He called/calls himself a gourmet, all to cover up for his huge insecurity. He behaved as a sort of highest-court-food-judge: commenting groceries, cooking procedures, finished meals, and so on and so on. Did I write commenting? It was constant criticizing and diminishing.
When he happened to prepare a meal, it sometimes turned out good, sometimes a total failure. In the first case, he praised himself all the way up to heaven.
In the second, he put on an angry face to prevent everybody to say a thing about the quality of the meal. ("I feel bad, so don´t add up salt on my wound.")
Table manners: prolonged eating, burping during the meal and after.
(I know that burping in some cultures means a positive thing, but not in ours.)

[Pepin]

Do not forget that Pds act as they wish with no self-awarness as to what might bother others.

I think this is a big part.  Complete lack of awareness.  They truly operate inside their own "little" world. 

[Pepin]

It seemed to me that everyone in my ex-husband's family ate very quickly and without talking. These aren't bad manners, just different than what I was used to. But I attributed some of this to the influence of my ex-husband's late father, who I think had a PD and who seemed to set the tone for many things in the family. I think my former FIL might have kept the so-called Depression mindset throughout his life; he seemed to always fear being without things -- food, money, care, attention. So the mealtime behavior might have arisen from him eating quickly and with little talking so that he could make sure to get as much food as he wanted.

My husband eats quickly.  I think it has to do with the fact that he comes from a large family and they were poor.  I think it is also because taking ones time to eat was a luxury they didn't have.  My husband was heavily parentified and responsible for many things that his parents didn't want to do.  They could not have survived without him.  And eating and talking with their mouths full of food was multitasking.  But.  They aren't poor anymore - it's been decades and DPD MIL continues to eat and talk.  DH does this too to a degree and I think he has picked up on some of her bad habits...that he only does at home and not when we are out.  It is disgusting.     

[Pepin]

Food and meals were the centers of his universe.

(I know that burping in some cultures means a positive thing, but not in ours.)

This is definitely my DPD MIL.  Food is her life.  But only in a very narrow sense.  While she can make a wide variety of dishes, she only follows one cuisine.  That is all she knows because that is what she chose.  She is competitive when it comes to how much was paid for ingredients.  She only will pay the cheapest price for food, disregarding the grade of meats or how they were processed.  Yes, they *were* poor but have moved on from that and can buy better quality but she chooses not to. 

Her manners are often appalling at times.  Slurping, burping, hunching over to eat, mouth full of food while talking, using hands at times, picking teeth, smacking her teeth, failure to use a napkin...completely unaware of what she is doing - but at the same time she seems PROUD of what she does because she knows no one can say anything.  She doesn't hang out with anyone else outside of family so no one sees how she is; people would be appalled.

[Cat of the Canals]

How do the PDs in your life eat?  Is it common for them to chew loud, talk with their mouth open full of food before swallowing, slurp, burp, pick their teeth, ignore food on their face or shovel in their food like it is their last meal?

This immediately made me think of the scene in The Dark Crystal where all the skeksis are eating. Totally grossed me out as a child. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57vaKllPg7k

[Honey_B]

Yes, this is my PD mother. When she eats, she always stuffs her face with a HUGE mouthful that can hardly fit in her mouth and then she starts talking with all that food in her mouth  She will sit sometimes with no food in her mouth and say nothing, but the very moment her mouth is completely full, that's when she decides to launch into some long monologue  She will also burp or fart at the table because "this is her house" and she proclaims she "will do as she damn well pleases in her own house".

She doesn't like to eat out, probably because she knows she can't behave like that with people other than me. Which shows me that she knows exactly what she is doing, it's a demonstration of power and control.

[Pepin]

Yes, this is my PD mother. When she eats, she always stuffs her face with a HUGE mouthful that can hardly fit in her mouth and then she starts talking with all that food in her mouth  She will sit sometimes with no food in her mouth and say nothing, but the very moment her mouth is completely full, that's when she decides to launch into some long monologue  She will also burp or fart at the table because "this is her house" and she proclaims she "will do as she damn well pleases in her own house".

She doesn't like to eat out, probably because she knows she can't behave like that with people other than me. Which shows me that she knows exactly what she is doing, it's a demonstration of power and control.

I have often been witness to DPD MIL who will known to take a bite of food before answering a question or joining a conversation.  This makes no sense to me and it is gross.  You are right, they know exactly what they are doing.  It is all for a rise. 

[Cascade]

My husband has okay manners at the table, if I don't count him being on the phone for half the time. My PD husband also doesn't wash his hands very often. Sometimes he'll help me a bit and I cringe inside when I think of how dirty his hands are.

[1footouttadefog]

How do the PDs in your life eat?  Is it common for them to chew loud, talk with their mouth open full of food before swallowing, slurp, burp, pick their teeth, ignore food on their face or shovel in their food like it is their last meal?  These are just some of what I have dealt with.  Are they unaware or is this done on purpose?  Is this some sort of attention seeking tactic they resort to?  Looking for a reaction - knowing it is annoying to others and hoping to stir up a reaction?

You have been spying on us haven't you.  All that and more.  It's awful.  At least with the new arrangement he will not be in our kitchen much.

My pdhs mother also had poor dining manners.  Super bad. She was involved in all sorts of civic groups and clubs, and it must have been perplexing to those around her.

[11JB68]

VERY early in our marriage I truly thought we'd sit at the table to eat like a 'normal' couple. uPDh insisted on sitting in the tv room with the tv on and eat on tv trays. I begrudgingly agreed but stated 'when we have kids we will sit at the table as a family and he agreed. Then he never would agree to it when it was time. We still sit in tv room and eat off trays with tv on.
Once DS had a homework project where we had to eat as a family with no electronics - so we sat at the dining room table-no tv etc. This was not a challenge for myself or DS (despite uPDh's complaints that I look at my phone too much-I do not do so while eating) but uPDh was visibly annoyed/angry that we had to do this and meals were quick!!!
He usually sits there in his recliner in his underwear to eat dinner
He thinks nothing of burping/farting while eating
This is more an after dinner thing but we will be sitting watching tv and he is picking his nose (I have to look away)

[Boat Babe]

My French grandmother was a real stickler for good manners at the table. She said it was common courtesy to the other people you were eating with. To this day, I wipe my mouth before drinking from a glass so as not to leave a smear on the glass that others might find a bit yucky!!!!

Good manners are about good social relations and cohesion. Not a priority for many PDs. We know they don't give a @*#"%*+@ about other people so yeah, carry on chewing with your mouth open while scratching your armpit!

[Free2Bme]

This is an interesting thread.  My experience is very different from others here. 

My updxh (high on the covert/malignant/antisocial scale) was mannerly during meals at home or out.  Burping, chewing with mouth open and such didn't happen, he had what I would call better than average table manners. (This is consistent with his other personal habits.  He is very clean in his person, his home, his car, and fastidious about being tidy)

He had a deep disdain for anyone that would lick their fingers during a meal.  If he saw someone at the next table in a restaurant licking fingers he would be super disgusted.  I personally think it is bad manners too, but I would just ignore it.  It would make him mad though.

I observed updxh and x-MIL (highly PD) had an odd way of viewing food.  They never seemed to get excited about an especially delicious meal whether at home or eating out.  I love food and get excited anticipating going out to a favorite restaurant or smelling something delicious in the oven.  But with ex and in-laws there was an attitude of food is necessary and almost utilitarian.  Almost like they were not experiencing taste, flavor, or pleasure and eating was just a means to an end.  (I am not overly sophisticated or Epicurean, but I allow myself to enjoy food. )  This made holiday meals and restaurant meet-ups with them unpleasant in addition to the usual unpleasantness of being with PD folk. 

[Maz]

My covert Nfil does this! He eats like he's in a race and refuses to use his knife.

I genuinely think he does it to be annoying, it's like he can't be bothered to use both his knife wnd fork.

He eats as fast as he can, it's probably because he doesn't want to be at our house. Even when I've spent hours cooking a meal, paid for the ingredients, gone out to fetch the ingredients, and try really hard to make it nice.

Personally I think it's a massive f you and is deliberate.

[p123]

Jeez my elderly Dad is beyond. He seems to think because hes old he can say what he wants and do what he wants to be honest.

When Im at his place hes constantly breaking wind. He pees in a bottle (because he can't be bothered to walk to the bathroom). Not great.
He admitted the other day he showers once every 2 weeks. Ewww. Because "theres no need its only me".

His best every was when we went away one weekend. He peed in my car. (Long story he knew he had a problem but couldnt be bothered to sort it). So we had a 3 hour trip home. I said look lets buy some waterproof pants. He really didnt want to because he hates spending money. His attitude was "but its only you and me in the car so we'll manage". In other words, I'll pee and it'll stink but you don't mind putting up with it.....

[1footouttadefog]

There was an elderly narc in our church choir for a while.  He had some sort of bladder or ileum bag or such.  He did not seem to take car of it properly his clothing had alot of stains from  eating etc and he wore the same things alot.

He once asked for a ride to a community event with me.  I put absorbant covers on both his and my seats and covered then with cloths.  He moved his when getting in then after dropping him off my car smelled. It was wierd because I could see nothing but it reaked.

I had to shampoo the seat and surrounding carpet because I could not pin point the source.

Another time it was noticed that his choir robe was stained.  I took his and several others home and laundered them.  He noticed and asked.  Someone said I had taken some robes home to wash and iron them.  After church he came to me and said he did not know why I had washed his robe because he had not done anything wrong.  I passed it off to general maintenance.

He obviously knew he had an issue and felt it was okay to force it upon others.  He was a very strange person and was actually of another faith and only came be aise he consoldered our choir to be the only one in the area up to his standards.

I tell this story be aise I think that some narcs enjoy forcing their eating habits and body odors and such into other people.  It's pretty sick.

[Pepin]

I observed updxh and x-MIL (highly PD) had an odd way of viewing food.  They never seemed to get excited about an especially delicious meal whether at home or eating out.  I love food and get excited anticipating going out to a favorite restaurant or smelling something delicious in the oven.  But with ex and in-laws there was an attitude of food is necessary and almost utilitarian.  Almost like they were not experiencing taste, flavor, or pleasure and eating was just a means to an end.  (I am not overly sophisticated or Epicurean, but I allow myself to enjoy food. )  This made holiday meals and restaurant meet-ups with them unpleasant in addition to the usual unpleasantness of being with PD folk.

DPDmil does this as well.  It would not occur to her to tell me or anyone that she liked anything I prepared -- FIL was gracious and gave compliments. 

I tell this story be aise I think that some narcs enjoy forcing their eating habits and body odors and such into other people.  It's pretty sick.

Yup.  This is what I was thinking.  If we spoke up and said something, they would immediately call us out as the unstable one. 

Personally I think it's a massive f you and is deliberate.