AGAIN! Grrrr

[anotherroad]

What I am feeling is tired. I haven't been on this page in years... once upon a time it saved my life. I'm better, but not 'as pulled together' as I want to be. I am not sure partnering is for me. I just don't know how to "pick 'em".
I am in a 5 year relationship, he was separated from his wife 5 years before I met him. He had a live in girlfriend over that time- whom I was acquainted with- nice person. And we were introduced by a friend- good... right?
He was still married when we started dating, to avoid a parenting plan and she was not willing to participate in a mutually respectful process- I was told... She immediately began to stalk me, sent me letters, came to my place of work, publicly accused me of harming her in a support group for months- by stalking her and sending her letter- which I did not do. She has told everyone in her family, including her children and in-laws-  that I have harmed her. The first thing I did was block her (and any mutual friends) from all public accounts and phone. I have given her a wide berth. If she sees me- I don't necessarily see her- she calls my partner and says I am stalking her (hardware store- a concert- community events) They divorced after our first year- once his youngest turned 18.
In five years I have not met his children (2)- I did say 'Hello' to one of them, and if looks could kill I would be dead- I just excused myself and left. My partner- still maintains a relationship with his ex- of course, the excuse for the extent of their relationship is they have children. They share property, bank accounts, insurance accounts. I have an ex as well- and we share none of those things- except children. I am open to birthdays and holidays (maybe once a year- altho my kids alternate activities) and in times of trouble regarding our adult children when necessary for conversation and support of our children. In my mind- we are divorced. We have separate lives, phones, insurance (car & health). I don't have a key to my ex's home, I don't feed his cat when he is out of town, and he doesn't home repairs as needed...cause the kids will inherit the house some day. I don't expect my ex to come fix my plumbing or paint- I'm divorced. I understand that repairs are expensive, but his ex wife makes twice the amount of money I do- if I want things done I have to hire it out- because he does not do repairs at my home. They are undone. He did replace the hot water heater and the septic tank alarm 4.5 years ago... but pays no household bills. I pay rent, electric, phone, internet. I take care of the 'business' of my life, which he shares. He and his ex share life- with there kids, current politics, sometimes daily exchanges of local news and events, old pictures of family members (his, not hers) in remembrance in celebration, extended family birthdays and holidays, etc. I am excluded.
He also had a 9 month long internet relationship (2019-2020) with an old girlfriend- and invited her to visit. I exploded at him when she left my home and we went into COVID lock down two days later. I then read their correspondence. I'll just say OMG- I have confronted them both and they are both so glad to have had their time together and feel they did nothing wrong as no sex was involved.
We went to couples counseling for a few months, to try and save the relationship.... I am trying to forgive. But here's my take on it and why I can't shake it. When he said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.", I think- Bullshit. When you decided to participate in that relationship you at some point asked yourself if 'my partner' (me) would appreciate or approve and the answer was "no"- so the content and frequency of the correspondence was kept hidden from me. You decided to risk me and our relationship. You got to have your relationship, I am paying the price, and you didn't care. My attempts at forgiveness just are not 'sticking'.
That coupled with the regularity of his texts an contact with his ex-  I am feeling just plain done. My friend- his friends, told me initially- that "she was really crazy". Now I just think this whole thing is crazy. .... I see you have removed the "expletive emoji" from your sight... probably a good thing. Writing this is making me sick to my stomach.

[1footouttadefog]

No imogi required we still have the keyboard.

In solidarity
@#$#.     %? $#  and the everliving  #$? #$#, for #%&##s sake,   the nerve of #$? $=#@#


I am so sorry you have had a bad relationship.  I hope you find clarity in how to move forward.  Please take care of yourself.