A pile of mess

Started by TinyFish, September 11, 2021, 04:38:18 AM

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TinyFish

Hi Everyone...
First of all i would like to apologize for my bad spelling English is not my first language... I am not diagnosed with any disorder and i haven't decided yet if i should seek a help to get diagnosed, thats why am here.
i read here to tell my story, dont know if anyone will be interested in reading it because its rather long, but opening up may feel like unloading baggage and may be beneficial for me so here it is:
It the age of 4 i have lost my mum to cancer, she was just little over 30 years old, i am a child out of marital relationship 3rd one and last one i have 2 half sisters. I was told later when teenager that my mum was diagnosed before she had me in fact she was advised by doctor to terminate her previous pregnancy as it would bring bigger risk of cancer. But she met new guy and she decided to have me. I dont know if the story is true is was told by my aunt who was my mum sister and she raised me...
My father was abusive forwards my mum, he was an alcohol addict and violent when drunk, my sister father also was an alcoholic but out of my mum life. My aunt used to say that my mum choosing my father as second partner was even worse choice than the first one.
I do not remember my life when my mum lived, some very foggy images that cant give me my own opinion of how was it really so i cant tell in my own words.
After my mum died my sister went straight into a care of my aunt, but i was my father only child and he was always putting me on pedestal over my sisters who were not his biological children, however i also dont remember that but i was told by my sisters. anyway after my mum died my father took me to raise me together with his mum and my grandmother who he moved out to after my mum death as my aunt lived in my sisters in our family home.
I stayed with my father for a year or little less i do not remember almost nothing just some random memories that dont matter, a table in grandma living room, his severe caught at night due to smoking while being asthmatic, him cutting his toenails while watching telly, being taken to his alcoholic friends for a party as a trophy or sleeping on park benches with him while he passed out drunk and didnt make it home for a night. I was always suspecting i may have sexually abused but i do not remember that just a feeling or a thought put somewhere in my head when i was very young by my aunt. after the year period of living with my dad and grandma my grabby decided this has to stop and went to court to give me away preferably back to my aunt as she feared i will be lost once she gone and she is not getting any younger.so the court removed me from my dad house and convinced my aunt to take me in, she was apprehensive but they convinced her. I was reunited with my sisters.
now my AUNT...
My aunt is a younger sister of my mum, they all come from very small village, 13 children in house, their mum also died of cancer after 30 and part of the under age children  was raised by granny,and when granny passed by my aunt as she was last to leave their family home.  They come from broken home the father had a real family in city and the 13 in village were out of years going on  affair.

she came to city to educate herself higher for career and she stayed overnight in our house when mum still lived because it was closer to school she was around 21 years old then , she seen how my sister father and my father abused her oldest sister, how she fought cancer and  when my mum was on death bed she asked her to take care of us and she agreed. she stayed with us when mum was in between hospice. and because she was not married and had no kids i think it was expected from her by family and society in 80 to take those poor girls so she did.
My aunt is very firm, strong headed, well organised, always perfect, fast, precise, disciplined,very religious, and head screw on well on her neck.
there the end.... :) :) :)
if only, thats just the beginning
My sisters were not so happy about my return at first, especially the middle one she had a resentment because my dad was nasty to her and her hatred was focused on me, we were never close and we are not even now. my older sister was kinder she was acting always more like a mum out of us 3 and i really love her.
growing up in our house with aunt was different than at my dad with granny.
First all contacts with dad family must have been cut out completely, because if i have any contact with the family members i may have contact with him and that was out of question. My aunt was saying that over the year spend with him a was spoiled and if there is anything to salvage out if this thats the only way and its still no guarantee but not likely anyway.
I remember once passing my dad on way home from shopping with my dad i was maybe 6 and here he goes opposite of the street totally wasted, swinging right left and center, trying not to fall down so drunk... i had so much hatred for him then already for many reasons. for choosing vodka over me, for sending me away to aunt, for not wanting me.
my aunt said to me "look here is goes you daddy,looser, look good cos you may end up like him." i didnt even want to look i was so resentful. Then when we got home i remember i always had to lock doors just right after entering them because we 4 females living without man and it may be dangerous i was told by aunt. I barely locked the doors and got beat up by aunt because i dare to look at him. I will never forget that i felt this was so unfair. But i have never looked into direction of my dad family member ever again not even granny who like sit in park 5 minutes walking from my home i never spoke word to them they were dead to me. I was to scared to risk it that will be beat up and feeling guilty and unappreciative for my ant great sacrifice.
Mine and my sister growing up were years of fear, trying pleasing my aunt in any way she dictated.
My and my sisters usual day for years and years looked like:
getting up for school. breakfast at 7 boiling hot porridge that i hated, this porridge had time frame to be eaten :o if not you were getting beat up with brush wooden pole in your head for not appreciating the fact that there is a food on the table and if not for her great sacrifice i would probably be under age prostitute with drag and alcohol addiction.
Get ready for school, clean clothing, modest, hair tied up, clean shoes and nails and dont look to much in mirror because you may see devil in Your reflection.
school was a rest time when you could unwind and relax and BE YOURSELF....
after school, limited time for walk back it was 30 minutes walk but we had 20 minutes to get home so we dont waste time talking to any friends because having friends will not do us good because we cant choose wise, if you 5 minutes late you risk potential beat Up on arrival, hours of "PREACHING", so we speed up to be ahead of time but that quickly teach us that being early is not good either because we would hear "were you even in school, or are you already skipping it, i will go to school and find out" so you end up waiting minute and two before entering the building to be just right on time. I even remember when being just right on time was not good either but now i know that the return was not good even if we would fly on golden stick she just didnt wanted us there.
After school dinner that was way to big portion and you couldn't fit in but you had to eat to last drop because of the reason at the breakfast, then house chores, then study and if you were not catching up quick with studies is because you slow like your father alcoholic and i remember the math was a difficulty at first so she tried help me but if i was not getting it the magic breakfast stick would appear to make sure you getting it quick or you have more bumps on your head that we would compare later and look in hair to see what color is today, we were comparing it like it was normal thing to do.
in the evening church everyday you like it or not you must go and thank god for your miracles rescuer and that he gave you this person who made this sacrifice to raise and saved you, and then pray to become better because we were a bad seed to start with so we have loads to pray for.
Then walk home. dinner, get ready for school, wash, pray on our knees than god for giving us this amazing day and maybe if she is in good mood a bit of telly but we were told which Chanel we can put on and whats the volume them told when turn off and sleep.
this was everyday routine, all was good until my sister became teenager and their hormones kicked in (boys, Wanted to have Friends, Socializing after school ) not allowed if you do it there will be punishment in beating, speeches that went for hours and days at time more betting just to remind you next day that she is not over it yet until u understood but my sisters were strong.
My oldest sister run out when she was 16 i was 11 then
I was thinking what is she doing we will all get beat up for her to have friends? to go party? to have boyfriend? she doesn't think of us, she only thinks of herself and so we got beat up for our sister, we grow resentment one over other over years, told on each other for a praise, for better treatment, for being favorite i was the worst.
I was selling their secrets as soon as i heard them my middle sister hated me there was a hate in her eyes but i hated her too.
My middle sister was real rebel i remember she stay home until 19, she had tattoos, she was doing everything that aunt was saying dont do, when she tried beat her up she was fighting her back, if she insulted her verbal she did the same the respect was gone. I was 16 ten still very child like i still played with barbies  8-) i was thinking wow she is nasty no wonder i dont like her (my own sister) but secretly i was jealous how brave she is.
she soon fell pregnant with her bf then and they had some housing problems so she asked aunt if she can stay home for while and she said NO once you leave this house the doors will never open to you. I was feeling bad for her but also i was like HAHHA there it is your price for misbehaving and not listening to aunt she was living in homeless shelter for while but then her bf and his mum quickly organised something for them self and they were fine.
I meet my first boyfriend when i was 21 I thought love is eternal ( one for whole life) thats it right? i met my knight in shinning Armour like Cinderella ( well i thought i do have 2 evil sisters and hellish stepmother)  ;D
I told my aunt i have bf,he came to visit her, she didn't like him i knew she wont.
So i run away from home like my sisters to live with my one and only boyfriend, after 3 months of knowing him
There my nightmare was over ..... am FREE
well not quite
and thats when i started discovering that maybe there is something wrong with me
I wanted to spend with my boyfriend all the time, i was bored but did nothing to change that i blame him that we dont do anything entertaining he tried best to his capability financial and emotional we was 23 dad alcoholic mu died when he was teenager, raised by sisters mainly, broken like me
we thought like cat and dog and he replaced me in under a year with other girl i had to move out with broken heart no money because i quit uni and the government wouldn't pay for my education anymore and homeless
I had 2 options come back home or sort it out
so i rented house with no electricity, no heating and no running water and i thought i will fix it.
I met a guy just month after very good guy the father of my son ( also father alcoholic) returned to school so my money came back, started my singing gigs for extra financial support , he was not working he opened his owned business before he met me and fall into debts big ones that his granny was struggling to pay off so i was his hiding place for the people that wanted the money back.
I got pregnant after 3 months, now am really ashamed of this and i will never admit to anyone but my ex first boyfriend new girlfriend also got pregnant in 3 months so i didnt wanted be worse off.
we moved to better house not great but better i could pay for easily then my aunt came into picture i was pregnant she was worried about me her attitude switch she was caring for me, she says she love me first time i heard that from her i was 23 and pregnant. she rented flat for us in the city and payed the first rent and bought us new bed.she visited few times when my son was new born maybe 2 times in his first year of living for hour or two. mainly to moan about my sisters and complain about their life choices and i nod for acceptance as usual i still do this.
My child father is a good man he has amazing ideas, he is ambitious, smart he tries businesses but he never seem to succeed, he change jobs often cannot stick to one topic and the responsibility for running house is on me while he lives in fantasy  land after 7 months the relationship fails he is my door mat, weak, unable to provide for family cries when fails my respect is gone i am merciless, scenario he lays flat on floor and i kick him. He runs away without word i report to police missing person, they look for him, and there he is , in another city starting over because this life with me and the 7 months old child is to much he lost his job the bills are pilling i need pay for my school. His granny steps in his usual rescue person she pays for my school and we move to her house and go to another city on train to collect him. I didn't wanted go, but i was scared i cant do it alone so i go and convince him to come back. we move to granny house and he lives to work at weekdays in other cities and weekend home, then he leave to work in Sweden for 3 months comes back for 2 weeks leaves for another 3. Meanwhile i finish my school and everything seems fine. Then he comes from Sweden after 3 months no money no language he was kicked out because he is unproductive and the job is not for him. he stays home for month and then his cousin convince him to join him in UK so he leaves but once he will settle me and our son will join.
So we do join after 9 months
our son is 3 years old now and he craves for a man in his life the daddy, everything seems good we both work in UK and upgrade house to higher standard twice its a comfy living, our son goes to nursery in age of 4 i quit the job to stay home because the nanny lives to far away to take our son to nursery and back and she has her own 4 kids, anyway half of my wages we payed to nanny, and daddy has new business opportunity that will bring 2 the income. after less than a year the business fails due to some illegal activities i never found out what.
I have to find job and rescue this again we are abroad there is no one to rescue us so i got to work and he stays home, i have no access to bank account because i dont want it and need it my english is not existing.
I do everything to hold the job, over a year my english is communicative and i gain more responsibilities at work more overtime and he is happy to stay at home dad.
But the financial trouble dont end, he is dong some investments on forex platform but it fails and we in debts again i take more overtime he get early phone upgrade again in debts.
and it this pint am 30 my son is 7 i am thinking what am i doing?
So i break up the relationship but tell him to stay in as long as he needs untill he gets job and can leave. no no am not angel i am thinking i will save on nanny he will be support for our still young son.
He gets a job and a new girlfriend after a month he moves out on Christmas eve after a huge argument, over a Christmas tree  :stars: i provoke it i was angry at him for moving on with his life so quick.
I told him few night earlier to bring this girlfriend i want to met her she will be close to my son i cam from ork and there she is sitting on daddy lap in my son room. i felt like i was slapped in the face, how dare he in front of our son in our house. he thought i was ridiculous i asked to bring her. so he just walked out on christmas eve to his new girlfriend and never came back.
I was no angel the first day i broke up with him i announced at work am now single and want to go out, i was out every Saturday clubbing with friend while he was sitting home with our son, i was intensively flirting over text messages with my manager who was married and we planned to hook up.
when he left i felt again like i need man for support so i got involved with my manger continued the affair for 4 years, he was never there when i needed him for obvious reasons this relationship broke me.
I never blamed anyone for this but me i resent myself for getting involved. I believe that i still  pay for ruining other woman life "KARMA" :-X. They got separated i was so happy very short soon he started vising me less and less i was having suspicions he met someone else there was arguments, no trust at all  and then he just stop coming back to me, no text no call no saying goodbye to my son or me. like stone under water  i sometimes check on him on facebook he had 2 girlfriends since me even been engaged once but it didn't lasted.

that was 4 year ago
since then i was in 3 relationships that were short but made damage and questioning myself wtf is wrong with me

I grown fond of Muslim man i do not have anything against the religion but all 3 of them that i dated were quite controlling
And i seem to like the control, power over me, i like it and hate it and wonder maybe i am looking for what am familiar with control i had from my aunt
I wonder am a narcissistic or they are, or are we both, i do feel sometimes like i am my aunt...
I have no clue who i am....
But i am a mess....
The relationship with my now 16 years old son is another story for another day.....

notrightinthehead

Gosh! You have had quite a rollercoaster of a life! Also, you don't seem to make the best choices when it comes to partners. Have you looked at Co-Dependency? You might want to consider taking a break from relationships for a while and dedicate some time to getting to know what you want for yourself and how you feel about things and what happens when you have time to reflect and do something good for yourself. Do you have a social network? Friends? Therapist? Counsellor? Support group?
Please check out the Personality disorders and the Toolbox tab for a start. We are all on different stages of our journey of healing. You have made the first step on your own journey out of a lifetime of abuse. See you around on the boards!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

xredshoesx

it is a lot to unpack.

i encourage you to peel back to the root- your childhood and the things that happened there.  many of us that grew up in chaotic and disordered families continue to seek out those same patterns in our adult relationships-  therapy and learning to reparent myself helped me to break my own cycle of bad decisions.  it may be worth it to talk to someone in a professional capacity to see if that is something they can help you do- retrain your trauma brain and heart to make better decisions and become less enmeshed with people who are keeping you with your head barely above water.  as a bonus learning to make better decisions and boundaries may help you with your relationship with your son as well.