Threatening wellness checks

[Sidney37]

So I'm not responding to emails, but they are going to a folder that I occasionally check when I'm feeling up to it.  The latest is the threat to call the police for a wellness check.   How has this gone for others?  What do I say to the police?  This will certainly upset my kids.  Will the police believe me?  Do I call preemptively to stop the visit?   Any personal experience with this?

I know this is standard narcissist behavior, but my head is spinning!

[Andeza]

Personally, if someone was threatening me with that, I'd print out the email, go down the police station, and make them aware that I had mentally ill individuals pitching a fit that may at some point bug the police for a welfare check. They have to record all that kind of stuff, so you could get it on record first. If they ever do actually follow through on the threat, it just makes them look bad and you look better.

I would preempt any and every government agency they might reach out to, but that's just me. When it comes to pwPDs, I'd much rather rip the rug out from under them than sweep anything under it.

[square]

Imho you can contact the police (non emergency line) and give them a heads up. They have no interest in being sent to harrass you on behalf of your family. You can offer to provide a copy of the threat if they like but most likely they'll just take a note of it. Just explain that you neither want to waste their time nor endure the stress of a manipulative wellness check.

I am just shaking my head, though, at this. They'll send the poliiiiiiice after you. Because you won't comply.

There is no chance they are WORRIED on your behalf despite what they'll tell everyone. I mean, where is the connection between "is not complying or replying" and "laying on the kitchen floor after a stroke"?

[Starboard Song]

This may not go anywhere: it may be an idle threat. If you are notified that Family Services wants to visit, I'd encourage you to see a lawyer. Depending on your jurisdiction, your lawyer may have special advice. It could range from not letting anyone in without a warrant to being an open book. This is a legal question that you shouldn't trust us on this forum to answer for your specific situation.

Unannounced visits shouldn't happen. It is a very personal question how to respond to one. We lawyered up in advance, just in case.

To prepare yourself for anything, take a hard look at your own home: Are there two stable parents? Do any kids have special needs? Is anyone unemployed? Is there any criminal background in your home? Do the kids have any documented behavior problems at school? Are they getting bad grades? Is your home in any way in bad physical repair? Is the yard poorly kempt?

If there are any YES answers in there, prepare to explain them in a calm and self-possessed manner. And then take a deep breath. Family Services people get calls all the time from hostiles, just trying to cause trouble. As a homeschooling family, we were called out for having children outside playing during the day. Family Services folks by and large don't want trouble and aren't itching to get into people's lives. Most likely, they'll see your kids are thriving and that will be that. Good luck to you!

[square]

Was the threat a wellness check or report of child abuse to DCF (or equivilent?

A wellness check is harassment and you should not have to deal with it, but there's nothing more than a knock at your door that you answer.

A report to DCF is definitely on another scale.

[Cat of the Canals]

Ugh. I'm sorry you're being threatened with this. More manipulation. More abuse.

I agree that it can't hurt to call the non-emergency line and ask to speak to someone about this. It probably happens more than we even realize.

[TwentyTwenty]

I agree with the folks here, and when I was in the same position I had cease and desist orders sent to all of my FOO.

Best decision that I have ever made.

[Hilltop]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say not to call the non-emergency line.  The reason I say this is that perhaps they won't call for a welfare check to start with and second if the police receive that call they are going to have to come and do a welfare check.  A report from you before hand won't mean much, if they receive a call I'm pretty sure they will have to send someone out to check on you.

I would honestly wait and see what happens and if police do turn up just say you are fine and not in contact with your FOO.  You really don't need to go into much more than that.  They will understand what you are saying.

I would work on blocking those emails and getting to a place where you don't need to read them.  You are not really NC if you are still reading their written word, they still have the power to effect you and get to you emotionally.  I would be looking at whether that is worth it.

[Boat Babe]

I would log the threat with my solicitor (lawyer) and then not worry about it. You have nothing to fear from a welfare visit, so let it happen. They will see you are parenting well and leave you alone after that. Then that's one less weapon he can use against you.

[Sidney37]

Thanks everyone.  The threat was for a wellness check.  I did end up calling the non emergency line before I saw all the responses. 

He was very kind and said that it might go nowhere.  It seemed that they do have to come every time she calls.  If I don't want that  to happen, I have to file harassment charges or for a restraining order.  He was understanding and said that everyone has to consider if that's the right thing in their particular situation and it's often a hard decision. 

He did clarify that if I do ever want to file, I have to notify her first in some clear way to stop contacting me. We've often talked here about how NC doesn't have to be forever.  It's a decision that you can change.  In this case, since it's a legal issue, she has to be clearly told that I don't want contact.  Up to this point, she got a list of boundaries and what it would take for me to resume contact.  Very different than telling her not to contact me ever again.   If she contacts me after that, it's harassment and they will explain to her that there are consequences for that and for calling about wellness checks. 

I did have to warm my teenagers that grandma is threatening to call the police because I won't respond to her unkind emails and mean memes.  Teens understand cyber bullying.  They were clearly less than impressed that their grandmother was essentially cyber bullying me and threatening to call the police to check to see if I was dead since I wasn't responding to her bullying.  Definite eye opening situation for them!

[TwentyTwenty]

A cease and desist order does exactly that, states that you do not wish to have any further contact from them again - and legal action will be taken if it continues.

You may write it yourself or have a lawyer send it. I chose to have a lawyer write and send mine to have more impact.

Any form of contact or causal contact (well checks) is illegal and considered staling or cyber-stalking after that.

If you'd like an example, I can give you a copy of mine.

[Danden]

It seems to me that, if someone calls the police for a wellness check, the police would want to know something about the circumstances.  If the person says "I was supposed to meet her today and she didn't show up"  or "she hasn't answered the phone in three days" or whatever they say, they will say something.  Then if the police come to your house you would tell them something that contradicts that.  Then the police come to know the person was lying/exaggerating/manipulating the situation.  So it may happen once, and you emerge unscathed, because everything is fine at your house.  But it is unlikely to happen a second time. 

[M0009803]

I have been following your story for a while and the trend seems to point to escalation on her end of things.  Involving the police is no trivial matter (most abusers only really seem to go external like this when you refuse to be baited.  They change tactics which can make them more dangerous)

I would also go the legal route at this point in time.

Its not so much the wellness check that would bother me per se, its that if you don't bite she is likely to escalate and possibly call DSS on you eventually.  If you send her the C&D letter you would have pretty good ammunition against her if that eventuality were to occurr.   I would also contact my solicitor and start logging these intrusions into your life.  Always good to have this kind of evidence if need be

[Sidney37]

Well it seems to have escalated.   I'm now getting texts from neighbors that my dad is calling them because my phone is "disconnected ".  I blocked them through my service provider.  I got a text from a young neighbor that my dad is calling her. The consequences of NC and hoping against hope the verbal abuse will stop,   There is always a consequence.

[Sidney37]

And more frustrating than anything, I have no clue how to respond to the neighbors. 

When my parents were blocked through the phone, they went to voice mail.  I got all of the voicemail messages.  I switched to blocking through the service provider a few days ago and now they get a message that they are blocked.  They know they are blocked. It's funny, they haven't tried once to call, message or email my husband.  He never bothered to block them.   

The amount of dysfunction and insanity that goes with calling a neighbor who is a recent college graduate who used to be my high school aged babysitter.... It's stunning and leaves me wondering what next?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh, that's so sick. Well the neighbors know your phone isn't disconnected if they are texting you...    Your dad is clearly mentally ill and it's too bad your young neighbor got that call. But it's absolutely no reflection on you.

[SunnyMeadow]

The amount of dysfunction and insanity that goes with calling a neighbor who is a recent college graduate who used to be my high school aged babysitter.... It's stunning and leaves me wondering what next?

So much dysfunction! My uNPDmother has done similar, she gets very distantly connected people involved in her drama. It definitely shows the level of dysfunction going on.

My mother posted on social media to a friend of a family member asking if they knew why this person isn't contacting them...publicly for all to see!!  A few months before, this family member told her flat out that her mean and evil ways would not be tolerated anymore but still my mother forgets, ignores? I got a sick to my stomach feeling when I heard about her SM nonsense. I deactivated my account because of this stuff.

This ridiculousness seems par for the course with these people. 

[moglow]

Sid, my guess with this latest twist is they think to embarrass you with the neighbors. Where the first part of the plan was that no one outside the family should know of the ridiculous intrusions and abuse, you pushed back and they see that didn't work.
The fact that they can't see and respect boundaries - whether spoken or not - speaks volumes, and not about you or others they contact about you. It speaks to THEIR dysfunction and lack of respect for others. And now trying to walk all over you via others?? No.

You may have to get firm with the people who come to you, tell them they can tell your parents whatever they wish - their circus, their monkeys. You're not responsible for your parents and vice versa, and you don't have to offer explanation at all. I wouldnt beyond "my parents are well aware of why I'm not calling and know my phone isn't disconnected. It's not your problem and they have no business dragging you into it. Feel free to tell them that and handle it in whatever way you're comfortable."
Put responsibility for the bad behavior firmly where it belongs, and let it go. Remind her that she can block them as well if she wants - she can politely ask that they not involve her or just as politely block them!

Side story: several years back i blocked mother because of her sniping and rude texts. She'd pick a fight then not respond to anything I said. Molotov cocktails via text then she'd basically drop it until the next time. And she'd whine that I didn't call or contact her - why would i??

Anyhoo, one day I got a text from strange number, identified herself as mother's neighbor (pretty sure I've never met the woman), asking me to call my mother "on her cell phone." I call mother's house asking if everything is okay, I got a strange text, etc. Shortly after I got another text from that number, again asking me to call mother cell. Um what?? I had called mother, left her a message, wth is going on - sent neighbor that response via text.

Not five minutes later mother called snarling I ASKED you to call my CELL PHONE, not the house!! I asked if she's okay, is something wrong... She was LIT because I didn't do as she demanded, had no interest in talking to me. We're literally on the phone after her demanding I call, and no conversation took place. I think she thought by going through third party she could somehow guilt trip me, to what purpose?? Proving a point in her own mind? When truth be told she wasn't interested in talking to me at all.

Dig in your heels and do what's best for yourself and your family. You can worry yourself sick over their crappy behavior or y'all can live your lives without apology. You were pretty specific about what would have to change if I recall correctly, and they've chosen instead to steam roll and throw innocent bysitters into the mix. NO. Not acceptable, and no indication anything had changed there. YOU have changed/are changing and God bless you for it! Grab your peace and joy and laughter with both hands and share them with people who want it as much as you do!!

[Sidney37]

Thanks everyone.  I definitely need this support today.   I've received more texts from people questioning why they were getting calls from my dad yesterday that my phone was disconnected.  He even contacted a relative of DH who has Alzheimer's.  Nothing like causing distress to an Alzheimer's patient who doesn't fully understand what is going on.   

In addition, emails are being sent by PD parents to my husband's work address since they finally must have realized that they are blocked on mine.  They are definitely getting bolder and more desperate.

My answer to people that I don't know we'll so far has been that my phone isn't disconnected and they must be confused.  I'm sorry they contacted them.  To my various in-laws, it's been that I'm not responding to their mean messages.  They are welcome to tell them whatever they want including to stop calling them as well. 

I'm trying not to dwell on it.  It's not easy.   I'm conflicted as to whether to have my husband respond especially to say to stop contacting his relatives and stop contacting us or if that just reinforces their bad behavior. 

[moglow]

Sidney, unless it comes from the people being contacted by them, it really won't amount to much. They know they're getting your attention AND have no intention of changing the relationship anyway, sounds to me like another control mechanism. You're still not responsible for your parents' choices and have no obligation to try and explain.

I get it, we feel we should etc because that's who we are. Just looks more like the goal is to prod you via unaware flying monkeys. Still - not.your.stuff.