She has lost the plot

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hhaw

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #40 on: October 02, 2021, 12:58:19 PM »
If you do go back, take rational people/witnesses with you.
Please.
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #41 on: October 02, 2021, 01:00:23 PM »
I am not going back.

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pushit

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #42 on: October 03, 2021, 01:58:44 AM »
But she will suffer with me away, but what can I do?

One thing my lawyer told me right after I filed was that I needed to assert myself to my exPDw and tell her I expect time with the kids.  In his words: "you're not asking for time with them, you're telling her that you're their father and you expect time with them".  I strongly suggest you do the same.  Both of your daughters need you, especially right now.  You don't want them to think your leaving had anything to do with them.  When you're with them you won't be a perfect dad, it's okay to be a human going through a hard time.  Just be there for them, that's what counts.  Those first few weeks were rough for me, but that time with the kids was crucial in quickly repairing whatever damage may have occurred from me suddenly leaving the house.  Put it all in writing, make her tell you no in writing.  Don't answer her phone calls.  If she does tell you no, show that to the courts.

I don't know how things work where you are.....in divorce....with children.....and a PD.

You would benefit from knowing before you go, ime.

This right here.  Your leaving without filing anything may place you at a big disadvantage.  You need to get legal advice and take action ASAP in order to avoid accusations of "abandonment".  Could be abandoning the family impacting your parenting time, could be abandoning the home impacting how much you get in the divorce settlement (they may just give the house 100% to her).  At least that's how it works in my jurisdiction.  I ran a risk by leaving, but she got served the same day so we got past the abandonment arguments pretty quickly.  Bottom line, you need to get out in front of the legal side of things.

Be prepared for anything.  Crazy accusations, attempts at restraining orders, attempts to woo you back, parental alienation any way you can imagine it and also in ways that completely surprise you.  I saw all of that in the first few months.  Stay strong and determined.  You mentioned the fight fight fight feeling.  I had the same feeling and it's a good thing if it's channeled correctly.  If that fight feeling is directed in anger toward your wife, drop that and turn it into a determination of steel to fight for your kids and your freedom. 

You've got this.  I'll never forget how I felt the day I left.  Know that it gets so much better, but it's one day at a time.  Fight the fight you have in front of you right now, hold your head high, and show your daughters who your dad really is.  And remember you have a community of folks here that have been through it, if you don't know how to deal with something put it on the forum and let us throw some solutions at you.  This community was immensely helpful to me when I went through it. 

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #43 on: October 03, 2021, 05:03:42 AM »
Thanks for your input. I gave been thinking alot and might actually go back tomorrow and then contact a lawyer from home. If I can stay clear headed I might have a big advantage of being at home. As she is currently playing the game of trying to make me look the crazy one this might work. I need to work out a plan today though so I am not making any costly mistakes.

Thanks for all your help.

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pushit

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #44 on: October 03, 2021, 01:42:33 PM »
Be very careful if you decide to return home.  Don't get caught up in a conflict that could greatly affect you and the kids (eg, she calls the cops for a domestic violence situation).  If it's legal in your jurisdiction keep your phone in your pocket recording at all times, so you can provide immediate evidence you are not the aggressor.

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hhaw

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #45 on: October 03, 2021, 06:17:23 PM »
If you go back, your stbxpd will be likely do everything she can to BAIT YOU INTO behaving irrationally, screaming, raising your voice, lashing out with snark..... IN FRONT OF THE KIDS, particularly.  The kids are under her complete control right now, getting ONLY her skewed narrative and I'll guess that narrative includes your abuse, your lashing out frightening her, your threats, your anger and now your abandonment of them and her....... she's telling stories and the kids are prisoners with no choices right now.

The PD is controlling the narrative.  I'd think long and hard about how I'd play your next moves.  Sending a text to DOCUMENT your intentions, give your (very reasoned and reasonble) narrative so YOU can hold that up in Court against her verbal account of events. 

For instance: 
Dear, PD.  I'll be back (insert return time and date), as we agreed.  I'm ready to sit down and talk about the (insert the disussion you left over) in reasonable tones.   As I said, I will physically remove myself anytime you raise your voice or name call in front of the children, going forward.  There's no need to raise voices or name call.  I'd really like to work on ways to communicate calmly.

Love,
escapingman

At least it's documentation you can give the court to back up your narrative.

I hope you have plenty of recordings of the PD losing her mind, screaming and going nuts, bc a recording is better than your word...... even if you share it with attorneys and can't use it in court. At least it's a record she can't refute.... and everyone will know who's who in this.

Remember, once she realizes you're recording her she'll stop giving you open chances to record her going forward.

IF it's illegal to record in your area...... find out before letting opposing counsel know you've done it. You might ONLY share it with your attorney to SHOW what you're reality IS.  It certainly helped my case in some ways..... the few times I CO:ULD get my STBX ASPD h on tape..... it showed everyone he wasn't the calm, aw shucks loving Father and husband looking for the chance to BE those things.  Had I known what Court WAS and how it worked I would have pulled together EVIDENCE proactively so the PD couldn't drag things out for 2 years, creating chaos and confusion as he went...... it was devastating to my mental health.  I'm not sure my brain will ever return to my base line normal again.

Document.  Think ahead. I'm afraid you're now in a chess game and he with the best records has the best chance of winning and winning for you is a short divorce with fair custody and visitation terms.

The PD winning is a long, drawn out legal battle with you as likely as her to be unstable and unhinged.  The PDs tend to dramatically pose as victims while we're stoic and understated in our posturing.... which workds against our narrative, IME.

You bettr get used to telling your story.  There's lots of information already outlining how to tell your story and be taken seriously, not dismissed or punished.

Good luck





hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #46 on: October 04, 2021, 06:52:32 AM »
I am going back tonight, I have a plan. This will not be easy, but I have realised I can't keep running as I just play into her hands. It's out children, but she plays the victim card how she has to babysit her own children. She can't even drive them to training without causing a scene. Now, I am going home. Going to keep to myself and live my life on my own. The kids are welcome to join me, but I won't pressurise them as that is running the risk they (at least GC) will scream and run to uNPDw saying I am mean trying to get validated.

I will do my bits, take the kids to and from training and matches. But the rest, I will leave to her as she has pushed me out of everything else. I need to be at home having access to all paperwork, protect my stuff and protect my children for when her mask with them eventually slips.

Number 1 for this week, contact a family lawyer and hopefully get a meeting to discuss options. I won't put any other tasks in, this is the most important one and need to be done.

Thanks for all your help.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #47 on: October 04, 2021, 11:29:15 AM »
I have a few suggestions for paperwork and "stuff": ASAP, make copies of all paperwork and put the copies in a safe place to which your wife doesn't have access; find a place (storage locker, friend's home) to which you can move stuff that you're concerned about.

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #48 on: October 04, 2021, 07:20:38 PM »
Back home, blanked and ignorera by uNPDw  and GC. Very cautios behaviour from SG.  Can only imagine what kind of manipulations has been going on, that's why I needed to go back and fight from here. What soon to be X doesn't realise is that the more she turns the kids against me more determined I am to push ahead with this.

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square

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #49 on: October 04, 2021, 08:35:46 PM »
Wishing you luck and strength.

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #50 on: October 05, 2021, 07:12:08 AM »
This is just unbearable, wish it was possible to record silence. So this morning she has walked round the house, in and out where I am, behaving like I don't exist. Speaking to the kids before school as everything is normal. I am getting the looks from GC knowing if I say a word to her she will scream to get uNPDw on her side against me. Trying to work and have meetings and she is singing in the house, coming in to my office pretending to do some important job. The sooner I can get out for real the better, just need to collect copies of everything and call the lawyer. Only problem, she is ALWAYS in the house, she never leave (other than the 2 hours of gym class or the 5 minutes to the post office). But, today no gym for her so no chance getting anything done. Tomorrow she will be out, then I have 2 hours of trying to get what I need.

I am not sure why I even work, what is the point of sitting here earning the money for someone that ignores me? It will be interesting to see what she does when reality hits her and no one is giving her all that free money anymore. I am sure she will do her best to take me to the cleaners and play the victim card she deserves everything and me nothing. To be honest, she has already laid out that threat before, and the threat that she will make sure I never see the kids again - not because she want the kids but to punish me.

I really hate her, I really do.

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hhaw

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #51 on: October 05, 2021, 04:34:40 PM »
Well, your stbx w certainly has you triggered and operating from fear and hate.

This is a weak position to operate in, ime.

Please shift focus to your children.  If you slip, go back again and again without judging yourself...please

Don't allow the PD to keep your focus on foolish things.....what she'll do and take..... that's up to the Courts.  Not her.

The best way to impact the Courts is to document AND present a rational, consistent and child centered demeanor with plenty of evidence to back up your case.  I know you're working on that, but....

You do not want to be huffing around, crazy eyed barking about the crazy things the pd says and dies, ime.  Repeating what she says makes you look unstable, ime.

Go back to the mission, over and over.  Gather evidence.  Document everything going forward.  Be patient and consistent with the kids and your pdw.  Always. 

Think down the road....to court.  The court doesn't care about stupid threats and arguments......the court only cares about evidence. EVIDENCE.

Your wife will escalate her behavior once she knows you're filing, so maybe just ignore her and be as kind as you can.... she's mentally ill and the mother of your children. 

You're locked in a destructive power struggle with zero control.......so STOP thinking about it.  You can't change it YET.

Think about what you can control. 

1.  How you act, what you say, what you refuse to be baited into saying/doing, etc.  THIS is all you can control so keep your head where your feet are. 

2. Stay out if other people's heads (SOOOPHing.). Don't worry about what PD says.... she's got your nose on a pebble you can't control.  Get your nose off that pebble so you can see the entire field.  A good TI therapist could help you DO this
  It's important, ime. 

3.  Gathering evidence and making it secure.  Get your important documents and cherished possessions out if harm's way.  PDs know how to push buttons.  Be proactive.  Do what you can then learn to accept the way things are.  Release the outcome.  If the PD tears up cherished family photos.... it's bc you didn't secure them, not bc the PD surprised you.  KNOW she'll do her best to unhinge you then point at YOU as the crazy one.  This is what PDs DO.

Adjust your expectations and stop letting her upset you so much when she behaved abominably..... it's not personal.  It's what she'd do to anyone, bc she's broken.

You aren't, so find some way to shift off the dumb pebbles and onto the ones moving you through this process with with economy of motion.

No more talk about the PD not working and you quitting your job.  You're supposed to be the reasonable parent. 

Head in the game....focus on the kids.  Focus on the evidence.  Focus on finding a good Attorney who understands high conflict divorce with difficult people.

THESE things will likely bring serenity and fair outcome......

Letting the PD control your emotions will likely not.

Good luck



hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Poison Ivy

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #52 on: October 05, 2021, 04:54:44 PM »
 :yeahthat:

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hhaw

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #53 on: October 05, 2021, 04:56:18 PM »
P. S.

Vent all you want in the board, em.

It's other people you should limit what you talk about with.


Not us.  WE get it.

Once you identify other 3d people who get it, you can speak more frankly with them too.
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #54 on: October 05, 2021, 06:19:07 PM »
I get it, I just needed to vent abit. What is the hardest is to to ignore the children, but short term I have to as she is using them to bait me. I am calm now and I am not acting out of anger or emotions, I just need to get out so I can live my life in peace. Without that I can't save the children. They are short term better off being in her team as the alternative is a full scale war in the house.

Tomorrow I am planning to contact the lawyers I found. Its time to get this show started.

And, thanks for all advice! I really appreciate it.

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #55 on: October 07, 2021, 02:10:08 PM »
A bit disappointed here, had found a solicitor I contacted but never heard back from. It's such a big step to take but suppose I just need to get to contact another one. The process needs to start as she is turning the kids more and more against me. GC just tells me to go away as soon as I am near her, now she also told me that SG is not speaking to me either (didn't look like SG agreed but uNPDw stod in the kitchen with a big grin on her face. Honestly, people like her should be put in prison for what they do. Anyway, I am staying calm and just keeping to myself. But I just need the advice from a solicitor if I can move out without losing any claim on either the house or risking custody. Staying here any longer will kill me from inside.

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square

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #56 on: October 07, 2021, 02:45:49 PM »
It may feel like a big chunk to chew but please consider contacting multiple solicitors.

1) If one or two donít get back, you wonít have lost so much time.

2) You can choose the best fit.

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #57 on: October 07, 2021, 04:13:07 PM »
Square: I am aware of this, but it is incredible difficult to organise this with 1) stbxNPDw in the house almost 24/7 and 2) working all day so not time to get out to take calls. I am going to try to get a few emails out to a few more solicitors tomorrow. As things are unbearable at home I will probably invent a business trip next week and try to sort most from a hotel.

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square

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #58 on: October 07, 2021, 06:10:10 PM »
Yeah, believe me, I get it.

I still havenít scored a plumber yet.

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #59 on: October 08, 2021, 10:53:42 AM »
So I spoke to a solicitor I really liked, small firm with 2 senior and 1 junior solicitors working together and with experience of abuse. I got a face to face appointment next week. Wish me luck!