She has lost the plot

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escapingman

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She has lost the plot
« on: September 18, 2021, 12:08:25 PM »
The further Out of the FOG I get, the more I can see her absolute craziness. I can predict her cycles almost down to detail, it's scary. I know what kind of stunts she is going to do before she even starts. Anyway, this time she has lost it completely, she does not do my MC very well. I sat back and watched her absolutely lose it with the kids, screaming, silent treat them, gaslight them, you name it..... all recorded.....  8-)  When she went physical and was starting to attack one of the children I had to step in to stop it, she then took the car keys and she has been gone since. I am due to go away tomorrow to see my parents I haven't seen since the pandemic, I knew she was going to do something like this to either try to put me in a mood or even stop the trip. If she stops it by not coming home before I will change the locks and she can stay away, if I get to go I will start the divorce process from there. My worry is what stunts she will put the kids through when I am away, but I honestly think physically they can handle her. If I stay here and cancel the trip with her in the house there will just be another cycle, and another one. Short term pain for everyone, buit long term gain.

I am so disgusted with her behaviour, but I am also so very proud of myself to have stayed calm through her entire sh*tshow.




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Associate of Daniel

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2021, 03:24:00 PM »
It's just passed 3am here so I'll be straight to the point.

It may not be legal for you to change the locks.

Can you and the children leave while she's gone?  What you describe doesn't sound safe for any of you.

We support you, whatever you decide.  Keep is posted when you're able.

AOD

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2021, 03:34:52 PM »
She is back now, back chatting me to the child she just a few hours ago battered emotionally. Now they are both turning on me and the other child.

My plan is pretty clearance, I leave tomorrow on my planned trip and then start the process next week when in a different country.

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DetachedAndEngaged

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2021, 06:51:23 AM »
Good for you, escapingman!

I'm sure it has been a long a difficult path of trying and failing to improve the situation.

So great to see you doing what is best for your kids and yourself.

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2021, 07:45:27 AM »
So after her screaming, back chatting and attempts tp put me down she offered me a lift to the airport. Ignored her offer and ordered an Uber, felt really good. She has lost whatever powers she had over me, I am just done with it.

I started listning to the book Stop caretaking the bpd/npd, already through 7 chapters but boy do I recognise almost every thing. The book is giving me even more insigth, more on me than her which is great.


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Boat Babe

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2021, 01:36:47 PM »
Once you see it, you can't unsee it.

Do the best thing for you and the kids.

Best of luck.
It gets better. It has to.

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DetachedAndEngaged

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2021, 11:00:27 AM »
That's great forward progress!  :thumbup:

Once you set limits and stop feeding the drama, you can expect her to ratchet up all her tactics, both the over-the-top freak outs as well as the hoovering and love-bombing.

Hang tough. Stay the course!

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2021, 12:02:06 PM »
I am back in my home country for the first time since rhe pandemic, got very emotional on the flight and almost started crying. If it wasn't for the kids I would put the return leg in the bin and never return.

Since I rejected the lift she hasn't contacted me, that was pretty expected and I enjoy the no contact from her. I have learnt she can't change and ut is very sad to see how she literally throw our life's and family away. I mean, how can she possible not see? But that's the trick, I now know she can't see it. And I can't accept it anymore so I have to do this. Its5not about her anymore, I feel sorry for her but I have to let go. I have to let go of the guilt that I can't save her.

Now I am off to meet a friend, I need some normal socialising.

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Boat Babe

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2021, 02:42:15 PM »
No, you cannot save her.

But you can save yourself, and the children.

It gets better. It has to.

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2021, 12:32:17 PM »
I have almost listen  to the entire book "stop caretaking..." now and it's very enlightening.  I had already started doing lots suggested without even knowing, but there are still lots to do. I have been away for almost a week know and she has tried a classic emotional stunt to drag me back, but I am not falling for it. I realised I have hardly given her any thoughts other than that she is back at home, no emotions other than a few spikes I have managed to control.

I have also realised that as I have moved away from the caretaking role, she has made GC her new caretaker. This is my challenge and this us the emotions I struggle with.

Just wanted to check in and say I am doing OK, but I am emotionally exhausted.

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square

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2021, 02:02:21 PM »
You’re very insightful. Keep up the good work.

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hhaw

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2021, 06:15:28 PM »
I'm not sure about filing a divorce outside the country.  I assume an attorney in your country will file existing paperwork for you and your stbx will be served with it while you're visiting your parents.

Stay strong.  I hope the sg stays strong too.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #12 on: September 28, 2021, 07:38:57 PM »
I am back home, a bit rested from a week away and a bit further Out of the FOG. After finishing listening to "Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" I started to listen to "Out of the FOG: Moving from confusion to clarity after narcissistic abuse" by Dana Morningstar. Wow what a book, it's so well written and so much is spot on. I think I am moving away from having the focus on her and instead have it on me.

I don't really have a short term plan for divorce. But. The more I can see, the less I am affected by her drama. Right now I feel strong, hope I can stay strong when her next drama unfolds. Long term I am getting out, I am sick of being a caretaker of a mentally ill person.

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hhaw

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #13 on: September 28, 2021, 09:32:21 PM »
Document.
Everything.
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #14 on: September 29, 2021, 06:47:12 AM »
It's amazing how much repair one week does, and also amazing how absolutely pure stupid the PD's can be. Had presents and all sorts with me back from my week, thought I buy some for her, not because of guilt or bribe or anything, just because it was some small things I know she likes. Told her some stories about my week away, behaved pretty normal. Didn't let my guard down and did not tell her the stories that had more facts in them and that I knew she would use against me later. This morning, after getting her little fix of narc supply yesterday, yes you guessed it right. She flew off the handle. Why? Because the coach had organised a match on saturday that she didn't expect, she hates the kids doing sport, they should spend the entire weekends with her and do whatever she tells them to do. Anyway, it escalated and she ended up in a squabble with GC, they started to argue about if they should leave the house at 5 or 10 past 8. They both started to shout and swear at each other. uNPDW started it all as she was already in a bad mood because of the football, but I just sat with my head in my hands listening to this as uNPDw was fighting as it was about life and death, and she behaved like a 2 year old. Then in the end she kicks off with me for not backing her.

She has seen some seminars from school where school has talked about issues and how to handle teens. Needless to say, this advice does not count for families with a PD. But she has told me in depth that all problems are caused by us not being united against he kids. Told her I agree with having a united stand but that does not say we are going to do it 100% her way.... guess what, she kicked off about that. I kept my cool and off she went swearing at me all the way out to the car where I could still hear her shouting about me.  On a side note to this, kids are begging me to keep my voice down when I am reprimanding them or just giving some advice, they do anything to stay out of her firing line. Yesterday, me and GC had a minor argument about something. uNPDw hears it and shouts to us what is going on, this is normally something that kicks everything off, but GC just shouted back nothing is going on. I was proud of her.

Anyway, my short term plan probably changed as I just can't live like this. Funny (not really), but I remember the days when she used the silent treatment heavily and I kept begging her to talk to me. Now when I don't engage she keeps coming back and pushing and pushing for me to engage.

 

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Simon

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #15 on: September 29, 2021, 12:13:08 PM »
Hi escapingman.

I have been following your troubles for some time now, and I may have even posted to you a couple of times, and I have to say I don't envy what you're going through.
It's clearly been a distressing time for you.

Please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way.

I almost posted yesterday when you posted about getting back from your trip, saying that you didn't have a short-term plan for divorce, even though you did have when you left for your trip.

Throughout the time of following your story, you oscillate between putting off thinking of a divorce when things are good (or at least not a nightmare), and stressing that you've had enough and it's time to go, when she kicks off again.
If you look back through your posts in this thread, and your others, you will see this pattern.
I'm not having a go. I think this is probably normal behaviour.
A divorce would mean great upheaval, and you have your kids' health to think about.
Not getting a divorce would mean having to let yourself get damaged further, and your kids too.

I am not advising you on whether you should get divorced or not.
That's not for me to say.
There are many other people here who have better advice on that subject than me.

I guess the only reason I'm posting this is to say that you need to take some time to seriously consider what you want to do, and when you make the decision, stick with it.
Your current oscillation between the two states of mind don't seem to be getting you anywhere.

But if you decide once and for all to get divorced, the short-term plan could be to get everything in place over the next few months, regardless of whether your PD wife senses it and manipulates you into thinking everything is fine (PDs are very good at that, but as soon as you're hooked again, they will revert to factory default settings).

If you decide you don't want to get a divorce, then the short-term plan should be to make sure that you are getting enough therapy to help you, and enough therapy for your kids so that they don't end up with a disorder of their own as adults.

But, as I said, the oscillation between wanting to leave and wanting to stay seems to be taking away any agency you have, and the status quo remains the same.
The only person who wins when nothing changes is your PD wife, because everything is already exactly as she wants it to be.
And I think it's perfectly normal for you to flip back and forth as you are depending on how things are.
We've all sworn never to eat Candy again or to floss twice as much because we are suffering from toothache.
But as soon as that toothache has gone, we forget just how painful it was, and here comes the Candy again!

Again, please take what I'm saying in the right way.
I've read your story for a long time now, and I really sympathise with what you and your kids are going through.
And I wouldn't presume to tell you which way you should choose.

I just wanted to make you aware that your wheels are spinning, and that you're stuck in the mud.
Maybe that's where you want to be.

I wish you luck mate, I really do.
Take care.
« Last Edit: September 29, 2021, 12:16:47 PM by Simon »

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hhaw

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #16 on: September 29, 2021, 01:21:55 PM »
A saying comes to mind here....

When the pain of staying out weighs the pain of leaving.....we leave.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #17 on: September 29, 2021, 01:34:43 PM »
Hi Simon, thank you for your reply.

I get what you are writing, but you are not completely correct. But before replying, I am not offended and I am not taking it the wrong way. Jeez I have been married to someone offending me daily for 15+ years....

My goal is clear, I am out, there is no future, I can't stand her, I feel ill when I look at her. However, I need to get this right and as long as I can manage with GR and MC and the rest of the toolbox there is no need to rush and get it wrong. There is one big question in all this that could help making this easier, that if I can wait that long, is that they will introduce no fault divorce here soon (however they have kept pushing this further and further into the future so not sure I can wait much longer). If I file for a no fault divorce there is nothing she can say or do to stop it, and I don't need to blame her which might make it slightly less toxic. But, I am not sure I can wait much longer. Today for example she has oscillated between painting me black and white several times (being white is actually making me feel worse than being painted black).

Listening to the book I mentioned in my earlier post, she is using every tactic to make this drama keep going. She talks about having another baby, moving house, moving country, extending the house, redecorating a room, buying a pet, booking next holiday, and so on and on. I have to deflect all of this as and it is taking a toll on me, but it has to be done.

Oh, and whilst writing this she is shouting in the kitchen and being nasty to SG. I can either stay out of it and let it calm down, or interfere and get another world war as GC quickly will join in and then it will be me against them all.

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escapingman

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #18 on: September 29, 2021, 01:36:21 PM »
A saying comes to mind here....

When the pain of staying out weighs the pain of leaving.....we leave.


I think I just about passed that now so don't think it will be long, just don't want to leave based on emotions only.

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Simon

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Re: She has lost the plot
« Reply #19 on: September 29, 2021, 01:50:11 PM »
Glad you weren't offended by it.
That wasn't my intention.
We can all see how difficult it is for you from your posts.

Seems like you have clarity of mind, and are just being very careful about you next step.
That's good to see.
As you say, you don't want to rush it, and I understand that it has to be done right, with surgical precision, so that it minimizes the pain for everyone.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.