return of the traumatized

[blossom]

hi everyone,

  Im coming back after another abusive r/s with another pd beloved.  the last one (bpd, ppd, gad, all diagnosed but i didnt know til later) was very psychologically damaging not so much physical.  this most recent one(upd or more likely edd) was the cheat, lie, violence repeated cycle.   i left him with the help of a friend two years ago. he was devastated and turned into a needy child for the old woman he lives with (for free).. they have some kind of co dependent thing going on, ive never been welcome and theyve been the meanest people... anyway last year his mom was diagnosed with cancer and a botched surgery (hes' getting millions, at least 2-5)..  he used to talk about if he had money he would use things once and throw them away... ding ding ding...

anyway, he did seem to really get his ass kicked by my leaving and did make some deep changes in himself. (i still dont trust him though).  so i was there for him while his mom was sick, he was across the country to be with her many months over the last year and we would talk on the phone and share intimacy while he was here.  we stayed close but he didn't spend the night with me and my son (senior in hs now).  i felt that after his mom passed it would be the parting of ways for us.. that i would take some space and get to my own healing thats been on hold while i walked with him through his deeply intense time of fear and loss.   
its been about a month since she passed.  and while he has gained a bunch of weight and isnt feeling super sexy hes not hunting app girls... but hes a great great musician and can play every style and is cute and super funny and people love his idgaf charm...
what he hasnt changed is gaf about me, my feelings specifically.  hes super generous with gifts and expressions of adoration and physical intimacy.. but doesnt acknowledge our 5 year r/s publically and puts other people/womens feelings before me... never mine... its seems its fine if i want to continue in this way of being there for him, not wanting more, not wanting his emotional presence or needing anything from him.  it leaves me feeling numb to all the abuse and heartache, the cheating....one of the top cheaters/liars for sure..
and he said he doesnt hit women anymore... and he didn't before me..   the violence had become so dangerous.. i do think he broke this piece in himself, for now at least, and wont be like that in his future r/s's.   

but where im at now is getting the reflections of being unwanted, unwelcome, unlovable... not just in my r/s w' him but in so many angles of my life.. its basically the role ive had to play to be there for him is one of cognitive dissonance and its made my cptsd exacerbate and maybe go deeper...  i started getting sick when i found out he was cheating but it took me 2 years to definitively catch him.   ( there's an amazing story of how i was able to break up with him two years ago... with prayers, direct cosmic communication, signs and miracles.. another time)
my body is showing signs of intensive disease and i know i need to ground into my healing and create good routines for myself and DS.  pd asks all the time to spend the night but i told him after months of therapy... and after my DS is done with high school... its my last year with him as a kid really... I messed up the last decade of DS childhood with these two abusive toxic detrimental degrading r/s's and i owe it to him to be home as much as possible, cook good food (which i lost how to when in those r/s's.) and show DS my commitment.... hes so angry now after all that neglect that happened as a result of all this trauma... it so sucks.

coming back to have a safe space to reflect, witness each other and heal.
the community here is really amazing. 
all the best to all of you...

[Penny Lane]

Welcome and I'm sorry you've been through that. I hope you find what you're looking for here. We're here for support and commiseration.