Well. It’s fall.

[square]

I don't know if H has bipolar or something on top of everything else, but things take a dark turn in the fall and winter.

He just goes into a very very dark place. The universe is out to get him. He interprets the most innocent interactions in the most negative light possible. Every bad thing is magnified beyond belief. Good things are totally ignored, or treated as evidence his life is cursed because they will be taken away, or whatever foolishness.

The entitlement really gets under my skin but I just have to let itgo. I'm just really allergic to entitlement, it bothers me more than most I think.

So here goes the annual rollercoaster into the deepest part of hell. Summer feels bad but hoo boy, here comes fall and winter. Makes summer feel decent.

Spring, I look forward to the temporary relief of darkness but it comes with its own stresses. Because he gets manic-psychotic. I feel I have to be even more vigilent even though the anger and rage abates. He can do very crazy things in this state.

I've been thinking a lot about how to seperate but I just can't see any way out. Was fantasizing a bit about one idea, teen DD's friend has a borderline queen or narc mother and he wants to move out into his own apartment the second he is 18, which is next year. I was wishing we could be roommates. But that is ridiculous. If I suggested it like "wouldn't it be great if" he would love the idea but there are just too many issues not least of which, it's super weird.

I just can't see my way out. I just wish he would go away. Just tell me he found a girlfriend who is 100000% better than me, pack up, and move in with her and enjoy a beautiful life together.

I, the eternal optimist, cannot come up with one single possible happy ending that isn't ridiculous on its face.

[Lauren17]

Hi Square,
I'm sorry to hear you've got some tough month coming up.
Just wanted to chime in and say I've wished for my uNPDh to find a girlfriend, too. You're not alone in that one.

[1footouttadefog]

I  reading that two of you would be okay of your h found a new partner and left.

Not piling on here, I have many times thought it would be the easiest way forward, would have welcomed it.

Just tossing out some random thoughts.

If you would relieved of your h left to another woman there's not alot of connection left.

If him leaving would be doable, financially etc then what is keeping you.

I wondered if I was sort of thinking mine would not be okay alone with iht me but if H has a different caretaker it would be okay.

If this is part of it, is it not proxy caretaking?

Or is it about them being the quitter and not us.  Is it about wanting to be the one who was left and not the other way around.

Looking back I see that my pdh left the marriage decades ago.  He never physically left, but left the marriage.  He stayed for the parenting.

I allowed it.

I wanted too long then kids came
Then I have stayed to raise them etc.  Now that they are in college PDH is becoming dementia and cannot actually be alone.

We all have tough questions with no easy answers.

[square]

Good thoughts, thanks

In my fantasy, H leaves me the house.

There's 7 more years of mortgage payments. I could swing 1.5 of those years. 5.5 years, I dunno, but it somehow seems more finite.

If I leave, I'd have to rent. Would not qualify for a mortgage and couldn't swing 30 years of payments even if I magically could. Have to rent, which is both more expensive and a forever problem. Thinking rent would be maybe $1000-1100 for a cheap places. Out of $1390 leaving $290-390 for food, lights, transportation, etc. Heat alone would eat that up in winter. I can't figure out how that works, and it's a forever problem, likely to only get worse over time in fact.

I dunno if the "other woman" fantasy is a caretaker thing. I think mostly the fantasy is that he will let me go without trying to destroy me, not commit suicide, basically just stops being in my life. I have a similar fantasy that he decides to be a monk and dedicate his life to prayer. Either way it's him moving on.

I do admit I am not free of the caretaker issue. Earlier this year H had a major (non health) problem and I jumped all in to emotionally support him and hold his hand. Fortunately I did learn from it and next time he's in crisis he is getting medium chill. Which will be scary because he will expect me to totally prop him up like always and I'll just be there saying, gee, sounds hard, good luck with that. And he will turn totally on me, all his stress will have a single target, and who knows how far he'll go?

[blacksheep7]

Having this fantasy of him leaving will not give you peace of mind and happiness. I'm sorry to say.

It is your life and if you stay just because of finances or whatever the case........life is too short to endure this  especially  that your only option to be happy is that he should be out of your life.

Because of our troubled childhood we often learn and accept to settle.  This is what I read in your post.

You are paying the price of a home and unhappiness. Do you really want that?  Is that house more important than your well being.
 
I've been through that, moved from a house to rental and got away from being a victim and the narc.

[square]

Yeah, the fact that this is it, my only life, does cross my mind a lot. I can't make the pueces fit together, though.

I may have given the impression that I want the status of my home and don't want to sink to a lowly rental. But what I meant is that I literally can't figure out how I can eat.

I admit I am more terrified of being a blind homeless lady than staying in this hell.

[blacksheep7]

Having this fantasy of him leaving will not give you peace of mind and happiness. I'm sorry to say.

It is your life and if you stay just because of finances or whatever the case........life is too short to endure this  especially  that your only option to be happy is that he should be out of your life.

Because of our troubled childhood we often learn and accept to settle.  This is what I read in your post.

You are paying the price of a home and unhappiness. Do you really want that?  Is that house more important than your well being.
 
I've been through that, moved from a house to rental and got away from being a victim and the narc.

[Gettintired76]

I agree with everything said, my ex was the same way, come fall everything went to hell, this time (not the first time) she did leave me, however she kept the house and moved another man in acouple hours after I was gone (of which I really wouldnt care other then the fact she moved a complete stranger in with our 3 children. But all and all I agree with what was said by 1foot. And black sheep too. Hang in there square.

[square]

Thanks for your thoyghts, I really appreciate it.

Been feeling much better for a few hours sice figuring out a solution to something I wasn't dealing well with.

Anyway, it's interesting to hear you had a seasonal compinent with your wife. I wonder how common that is, and whether it's a bipolar thing.

I'm sorry she moved another man in, and so quickly. So disordered.

I would be beside myself regarding exposing children to such disorder - plus the good chance the new supply could be toxic or even dangerous.

[Andeza]

Seasonal, or light related... I wonder. Square, is there any chance you'd get one of those sun emulating lights and stick it somewhere he spends some time? Without telling him about it perhaps, because otherwise he'll probably just not go near it.

They are designed specifically for seasonal affective disorder (SAD of all the acronyms...), but might work here as well. Not medical advice of course, just pondering it.

[Gettintired76]

Yeah square ty you, it stuns. E how when they do drop you suddenly there doing everything "right"  as in what they should of done while together to make it work. And this may seem selfish but how fair is that she (the one that cause all the drama and the break up) succeeds in everything has everything coming up roses and I'm left high and dry, and have already been told by her she intends to screw me in court..

[square]

Andeza, I've thought about the lamp, and as you've mentioned it, I'll take a closer look at it. He might not be interested but he won't reject it - he would definitely be open to the idea that he might have SAD.

Gettintired, I hear you. It really isn't fair. I can get hung up on fair even though I know life ain't fair - but when the balance is so far out of whack, it just viscerally hurts. I sometimes have nasty thoughts like hoping my H might some day have to beg someone for something as basic as food, so he knows what it's like. And I really don't even think that way, revenge doesn't really interest me. But when someone who promised to love and cherish you treats you the worst you've ever even imagined being treated, it can mess with your head.

We just have to kind of hold those thoughts back - our effort in this matters, even if the thoughts pop up and have to get whacked back down again.

[Gettintired76]

You are absolutely right of course, and right about trying to avoid the "revenge" feelings, honestly I think thats exactly what they want.

[square]

I had a new fantasy, only I was dumb enough to take it seriously for a couple of hours.

I was thinking, what if I tell him I just need my own place, I'm moving out but not divorcing unless he wants to. We can still get together etc. I mean, he sleeps all day so not sure when I'd see him, but it could be just as much as now if he wants.

Hahaha, you can just tell a borderline you're moving out and they are just a little upset but come around after your reasoned arguments lolololol.

I can see that my main stress at the idea of leaving is his anger. I do have a strong secondary stress in finances as well.

Note that my fantasy isn't about ME not wanting to leave HIM. In my fantasy, I don't really care what relationship he decides to have with me as long as it's not "hellbent on destruction." So if he drifts away, cool. If he shows up once a week and at least leaves when he flips out, fine. (I only see him twice a week as it is now).

I did a little research on rental prices. Unfortunately my idea of $1000-$1100 seems a bit outdated. I did find ONE listing at $1100, but everything else was minimum $1600.

There is an apatment complex in town that is like the unicorn of apartment complexes. It's for low income, you have to qualify. I think $1000/month gets you a 2 bedroom. And - it's GREAT. Like, brick walls, hardwood floors, stainless appliances, huuuuge windows, open layout, close to everything. Obviously, such a place hasa loooooing waiting list and no availability.

Maybe I'll get on the list and see. I do feel like I have a lot of luck, marriage aside. Maybe it'll come up in a year or so, who knows.

I still don't know how I'd get by on $390 a month but I think heat is included in the rent. If not, then there's no way whatsoever, but I might be willing to eat rice and beans and wear the same underwear for the rest of my life.

[Gettintired76]

I tried to leave my now exubpdgf , I ended up being hell captive her apartment by her and her sister for four hours be cussed at, screamed at, threatened in every way until I tried to jump from the third story balcony to the breezeway below. Leaving her was never an option I had, however she could grow tired of me and leave at will.

[square]

Andeza... I ordered a light therapy lamp today 

Maybe it could help with his sleep issues and his moods (SAD/bipolar).

I told him I ordered him "something" but didn't tell him what yet - it was over text and I need to explain it. He will tense up and I'll have to ease him into the idea. I'm quite surprised he expressed no curiousity, just made a joke and changed the subject.

Wish me luck. Will probably explain it Sunday and then his first day using would be Tuesday, if all goes well.

If it works, I have to be vigilent for mania, apparently.

One concern I have is he has no sense of quantity or restraint. He won't know how much time he's using it. So I may have to outfit a timer on the device, not merely to ring but to shut it off. But we'll see if he finds any benefit first.

Fingers crossed I sell this to him right.

[Andeza]

Fingers crossed for sure! Hey home depot sells a plug timer for about 10 dollars. I always used them for my fish tank lights. They're super simple if you don't mind the clicking sound they make, but they're analog, no programming to be done, no bells or whistles. If it helps even a little, it'll be better than nothing, and I think your odds of getting him out into the sun for the recommended amount of time instead is most likely slim.

[square]

Yeah he's not going out in the sun. In fact, the setup I'm going to do allows him to stay in bed for the light therapy. Whatever makes it most likely to do.

Will get a plug timer. Prolly get two; have other uses for those beside. (Wish I had one for fish tank... but my little guy is gone now He taught me that fish are as curious, playful, and cute as anything else. RIP my fish).

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Hi square,

I'm so sorry for your situation.

Being in the situation you describe (him finding someone else), it has its good and bad points. Even if you think you have no feelings left, it will break you, because the trauma bond is so strong.

I've certainly been in your place in feeling there is no way out. There always IS a way out, sometimes it isn't a great way out. Sometimes it's a terrible way out and it's sucks, but we weigh it against whether or not we can tolerate anymore, whether our souls/sanity can take anymore. I just reached a breaking point where mine couldn't personally.

I wish I could offer some advice on how to deal with and handle PD's during this time. Mine got so much worse in Winter/Spring. Especially Spring because it's a time of "new beginnings", so the best time for him to come up with some stupid idea to execute which usually left us financially strained and ended up with him finding yet another woman to cheat on me with. 🙄

You are so strong! We are all here for you. ❤️

[square]

No, you're right. I haven't been there.

Things are a bit better for now.